I Shouldn't.....

I shouldn't miss you.....

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't think about you as often as I do.....

I shouldn't.....

I shouldn't wonder what you're doing because you're not wondering about me.....

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't care about you this much.......

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't still have these moments of weakness.......

I shouldn't......

I shouldn't have hope........

I shouldn't.......


But I do......

Learning to let go....

I don't know about anyone else...but I am terrible at letting go.  I am and most certainly have gotten better at it since I was in college....but to explain what I mean:

-I need to learn to let go of feeling like I disappoint people.  In reality, people are not as upset as we all think they are.  Sure, we might break plans with them and then disappear for a bit because we are busy, but our real friends won't care about the gaps between talking or seeing one another.  And if they do, it probably comes from a place of love and concern rather than anger and resentment.

-I need to learn to let go of the fact that I do not have control over most things in my life.  I may try on a daily basis to have control but the truth is, something could throw a wrench into my life at any moment - or someone else's life that is close to me - and it could disrupt everything.  I have to learn to just give things up to the universe.  Things WILL work out the way they are supposed to.

-I need to learn to let go of the fact that I am still single at 31.  I put up really good fronts about how I feel about it and the fact of the matter is, I am less okay with it than I let others know.  But I've been told I can't do the looking, it just has to happen.  I need to learn to not worry about this so much.  What's so wrong with spending my life without a partner?  Nothing at all.  But the real question is - do I want to spend my life without a partner/husband/spouse?  Not at all.

-I need to learn more patience with myself.  I'm getting much better at delegating work and not trying to do everything myself - but I have little to no patience for myself.  Why do I do that?  I have plenty of patience for everyone else and my friends?  Why do I feel like I shouldn't have the same amount of patience with myself?  I have high expectations for myself, yes.  But sometimes it's okay to not meet them.  Why do I tell myself otherwise?

-I need to turn these "needs" into "will". 

I will let go of feeling like I disappoint people.
I will learn to let go of the fact that I have no control over things.
I will learn to let go of the fact that I am still single at 31.
I will learn to have more patience with myself. 

I will.

The Year is Drawing to a Close

As promised, I am updating and taking a look back on my 2012 Resolutions with the intent of putting forth 2013 Resolutions.  

My 2012 Resolutions were:
1.  Finish my 30 in 30 - yeah, that didn't happen.  It was a pretty ambitious list anyway.
2.  Get a Real Teaching Job - I am currently subbing for a variety of school districts.  Here's hoping that turns into something.... I am, however, working as an adjunct professor for the local community college, so that's technically a real teaching job, right?
3.  Continue to practice patience and compassion - since injuring my foot in September, taking up Yoga was probably the BEST thing I've done all year.  When I couldn't use running to cope with my sadness from the breakup, Yoga became my retreat.  I am SO grateful to have it in my life.
4.  Visit my friends more - sadly, I didn't do this at all.  Financially I was not able to make it to Allan's Wedding in July nor have I been able to go down to Florida at all.  I still have yet to visit Reagan in Jersey....I am a terrible friend.
5.  Bridge the gaps in friendships that seem to have become larger than I would've liked - I am not entirely sure how I've done with this but I think I've definitely done better.  I reached back out to my friend Jen from Albright and Brian from CMU, as well as keep in touch with my CMU friends a bit more.  I am scheduled to hang out with a friend from La Salle during the Holidays....so....I think this is a checked off thing :-)

What I'd really like for 2013 is for everything I've been working so hard for in the last 2-3 years to finally come to fruition.  Whether you believe in astrology or not, the stars keep saying that things are nearly aligned for me....I can kind of feel it too.  Whatever that means....whether it means to obtain a job or to find the love of my life.....who knows.  What I do know is that I am optimistic for 2013.  There are an insane amount of things that I will be preoccupied with starting in January.  My weekly schedule will leave little room for extracurriculars....which in some ways is good.  My weekends, however, will be freer - so I have that going for me!

2013 Resolutions:
1.  Practice Yoga 1-4 times a week.
2.  Continue to see my therapist.
3.  Join a Crossfit Gym.
4.  Get a Real Teaching Job at a local High School
5.  Learn to say 'no' and not feel bad about it.
6.  Volunteer.

I'd add more but I think any more than 5 or 6 goals in a year is tough for me since I have a lot on my plate right now.  I'll check back in a year with the outcome :-)

Hiatus

From here...from life....from everything....

I'd like one....can that be arranged???  No?  It was worth a shot.

Lately, things have been insanely busy and to sum it up - exhausting.

I am definitely experiencing a bit of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It happens.  It hasn't been all that Sunny In Philadelphia....but I am well in general.  I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks on account of money being a bit tight and I haven't bought all of my Christmas presents yet.  Check it people - it's only 11 days away.....yeah. 

Also, I'm no longer going down to Orlando.  I was supposed to fly out tomorrow morning and stay until Tuesday morning.  I still have the ticket and can use it at a later date, which I will, but I couldn't fathom going down there and spending money when I know I need it elsewhere (ie. presents, rent, bills).  My friends understood.  I think this time of year is pretty busy for everyone so it was nice that they were totally cool about it.

Things are going well in other realms.  I got offered a subbing gig for Haverford School District with some potential of it turning into more.  We'll see.  I am really hoping that 2013 brings some good job news...any job news at all really.  I am starting to get burned out with these 6 jobs I have.  I wish I could stop doing just one of them....but I need them all :-/  If I did, the first would probably be not working at Baldwin - even though I love it.  I would probably still teach lessons, if I was allowed, but the extra coaching is just too much.  And as much as I like swimming, the weekend meets are killing any semblance of me having a social life.  I agreed to one this Sunday simply because I figured if I'm not going to Florida, I might as well make some money.  I am also able to go to the Spin Workshop at the gym I work at (originally I was the ONLY instructor that couldn't go....so there's that).

I am slowly working my mileage back up.  I have hesitated to write about my running because I jumped the gun the last time.  I got too excited that I was running without pain that it actually backfired.  I am hoping to run tonight after our meet and call it an early evening.  I have been really tired this week....gotta be the weather?  Oh, and I'm exhausted. Ha. :-)

In the next few days I'm going to attempt to look back on my resolutions from this year and what I am hopeful to accomplish for 2013.  I'm not sure how close I came to achieving them this year but I guess some of my goals are more long term....which is fine. 

Confession:  I have not written one paragraph, sentence, phrase or letter in my novel since the last day of November.  I just haven't had the time and if/when I have, I haven't really had an desire.  I would like to finish it.  I should have some free time the last week of the month since I won't be subbing and I'll just have practice in the mornings. 

How's everyone else's holiday season going?

Stuck

I have writers block.

I was doing so well with my novel and I am currently at 38800 words.  I still have quite a bit left to write but I just can not find the words.  Maybe if I write here it'll help. 

I'm structuring the novel by months.  I am up to March of 2012.  I have to get to September of 2012.  So, 7 more months to write.  The challenge for NaNoWriMo is to get to 50K words.  I know I'll go over that.  That's fine.  I just want to finish it.  I knew, once I started getting busy, I might not finish it in a month.  I WILL finish it though.  I am going to give myself til the end of the year to accomplish it.  With doctors appointments and working and coaching, I just don't have the kind of free time I did at the beginning of the month.  It did help that we had off a few days for that hurricane......but I digress...

It hasn't been edited.  I suppose I'll leave January for that.  I've had quite a few people request to read it.  I have no problem with that at all - as long as they are all aware that it's not finished and hasn't been edited.  I started to reread some of it and realized I really do need to edit it...ha.  I've also been really eager to start writing short stories.  Maybe that'll be on my New Year's Resolution list.

Speaking of New Year's - who else can not believe it's December 1 tomorrow?  This girl, right here.  Where did 2012 go?  It's amazing how much can change over the course of a year.  I have to admit, I am slightly sad that I'll be spending this holiday alone.  And with the extra stress of money woes, awesomesauce is written in the cards. 

On the plus side, swim team is kicking butt and I am super pumped.  We have our first meet next Friday.  We also have a lot of amazing things to look forward to in the new year.  I've officially declined coaching lacrosse in the spring but there are so many great things on the horizon starting in January! 

If nothing changes (and I say that because my Montco teaching schedule might alter), my weeks will look like this:
Monday/Wednesday/Friday - Subbing
Monday/Wednesday Evenings - teaching at Montco
Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday Mornings - Teach Spinning
Tuesday Thursdays 10am-2pm - Work at Cabrini
Tuesday Evenings - Class at Cabrini
Thursday Evenings/Saturday Mornings - Coach at Baldwin**
Saturdays - Teach Lessons
Friday and Saturday evenings FREE
Sundays - Coach Meets*** (TBD)

Whew - did you get all that?

I just have to make sure I don't get sick.  Gotta take good care of myself.

Oh, when do I have free time?  Ha - good question.  I'm sure it'll happen.  I am looking forward to being busy though.  It's really what keeps me going. 

Gobble Gobble Goo and Gobble Gobble Gickle

I wish turkey only cost a nickel.....


Adam Sandler, Ladies and Gentlemen :-) 

So, a lot of people have been doing this "30 days of Thankful" Challenge.  I think it's commendable - I, have not done anything of the sorts.  Although, I suppose you can reference all of my quotes I put up which are essentially ways of showing gratitude to my friends and family each day.

Growing up, my family found ourselves at my grandparents house in Narberth every Thanksgiving.  My grandmom would cook her amazing green bean almondine and her carrots lyonnaise (basically butter, carrots and onions - it was seriously awesome) as well as her amazing mashed potatoes (doesn't everyone's grandmom make the best potatoes?).  The turkey would be cooking and the rest of the fixings would be prepared by either my mom or my Aunt Barbara.  The rest of us would be either watching football or bored out of our minds (read: me).  I didn't really start paying attention to sports until I was in high school/college.

What I remember about our family thanksgivings was that grandmom would cook and we would all eat the food in less than 15 minutes.  When you have a family (on your mother's side) with 8 children and then they invite their families/significant others - the food goes pretty quickly.  I remember one year when the Eagles were playing on Thanksgiving - 10 minutes tops - my grandmom was pissed!  Ha. 

Many of my acquaintances and some of my friends often ask me now, "What do you eat on Thanksgiving if you're a vegetarian?  How can you not eat Turkey?"  Truthfully, as I've told many people - I don't miss meat, at all.  Nowadays, we go over to my Mom's brother's house and my Aunt Patti makes me extra veggies as well as this amazing butternut squash soup that I typically fill up on because I love it so much.  Besides, Thanksgiving was never about food for me - it was always about being with family - at least it has become that in the last few years. 

As my family get's bigger and the cousins start growing up, we all spread out and aren't around as much.  It's nice to spend time with family that are actually here. 

Today, I will go over to my Aunt Patti and Uncle Matt's and see my cousin Nick, Uncle Ward, Aunt Barbara, Uncle Pete, my Aunt Patti's family and my Mom and Bruce will be there too.  It'll be a nice day. And what of my grandparents?  They no longer live at their original residence - a story I will share with you all at some point.  They will be at their retirement/nursing home facility today.  I will probably go visit them tomorrow.  But today, I will be thankful for the family I am surrounded with and those that are not blood related but I still consider family.

Happy Thanksgiving EVERYONE!

Turning over a new leaf...but just one..I don't want to do the whole yard

So....I'm pretty sure I re-injured my foot.  It was feeling GREAT yesterday and I went on a run.  I think my adrenaline was going way too quickly because I was holding 8:30/mi averages and around mile 3 my foot hurt.  BADLY.

I wanted to do yoga this morning but I am pretty sure it was just as well that I didn't.  I'll teach spin tonight because my shoes prevent me from moving my foot too much but I am annoyed to say the least.

Instead - I am only going to view it as a minor setback.  They happen.  I'm not going to get bummed the way I did the first time it happened.  Plus, I have so much to look forward to!

SWIM SEASON STARTS IN FOUR DAYS!!! OMGIAMPUMPED!

Can you tell I'm excited?

Also, I am finally making my way back down to O-town for a weekend in December.  The last 7 weeks of 2012 are jam packed - just the way I like it! 

Can anyone else believe that we are almost finished with 2012?  Where did the year go?  It's so true, the old adage 'a lot can change in a years time' or even 'time passes quicker as you get older'.  I don't know if it's going quicker but I'm definitely busier which makes time go quickly.

Additionally...part of the new leaf I am turning over is approaching things with a 'carpe diem' attitude.  No, I am not dying....I just realized that I held on to the sadness of Pete and I breaking up for too long and life is what it is.  If things happen with him, they do.  If not, they don't.  The circumstances in which I find my life in are not necessarily conducive to a relationship right now anyway.  I am just going to enjoy all of the experiences life sends my way.

Clearly the universe is telling me to slow back down (with the foot and all).  Fine.  One thing at a time.  It's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way indeed.

One of the next posts I put up will include a look back on 2012 and what I am hoping to accomplish in 2013.   

So many things....

It's amazing what a little 'time' can do for you and your mood.....

Some things in no particular order:
1.  I started running again!!!  yay!  In fact, shortly after I finish this post I am heading out the door for possibly a 5 mile run!  I ran 4 on Monday and it was practically pain free.  Here's hoping I can do it again :-)  Feels so great!  Plus, I am enjoying it more.  I no longer run just to run.  It's an adventure!  I guess you realize after you can't do something for awhile to really appreciate it when it comes back....you know? (how many times that can be applied to everything else!)

2.  I'm subbing more!  WOOT!  Which inevitably leaves me with a busier schedule but I've now added Lower Merion to that list which is fantastic since it's literally around the corner from me and I wanted to be there anyway.  I'm actually subbing at BCMS this afternoon and LMHS tomorrow all day.  Thursdays are killer days for me....but I digress....

3.  My schedule is now as follows:
Mondays - (sub possibly)/teach lessons at 3:30 and 4:00/ teach spin 6:30-7:30
Tuesdays - (sub possibly)/teach lessons at 3:30 and 4:00/coach or data entry at Baldwin (possibly)
Wednesdays - (sub possibly)/coach at Baldwin 4:30-8
Thursdays - (sub possibly)/teach at Montco 3:55-5:45
Fridays - (sub possibly)/teach spin 5:30-6:30
Saturdays - Teach Spin 7:15-8:15/Coach at Baldwin 8:30-11:30/Teach Lessons at 11:30,12,12:30,1, 1:30
Sundays - Possibly coach a meet or a day off

Did you catch all that?  That's my hustle....

4.  I made a......mistake?...decision?....a decision.  We'll go with a decision....this weekend.  It was entirely selfish...and honestly....I am pretty okay with it.  The only thing now is what I do with that decision.  Cryptic, I know.  But....for now, I'm going to focus on everything I just wrote about in #3.....and we'll go from there.

5.  SWIM SEASON STARTS SOON!!!!!!  YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!  I am so pumped!  November 16th!  The team is looking good! :-)  Truthfully, once the season starts, things will somewhat slow down a bit and get into a more regular schedule - sub during the day, coach in the afternoon, teach spin....and that's it.  Baldwin will be on hold until the Spring....with the exception of coaching the meets on the weekends.

6.  Personal relationships....friends or otherwise: Friends are staying the way they are- and by that I mean they are getting my full attention.  Beyond/otherwise: on hold indefinitely.  I realized this weekend with the 'decision' I made that I am not interested in dating anyone right now.  It's just TOO MUCH.  I realized that when I am dating someone I tend to put their needs in front of my own and I really am digging my refocus on myself and the things I really want out of life....so....until I can find that balance....this is my life.  AND I'M SUPER PUMPED ABOUT IT!  :-) (and no, I'm not waiting for him....my decision is entirely for me.....)

7.  Finally...a big one...part of the refocus on me....I've decided to take on the NaNoWriMo challenge and write a novel in the Month of November.  www.nanowrimo.org is where you can find the information about the challenge.  My sister told me about it awhile ago and I really feel like I have something to write about.  It's something I've wanted to do for a LONG time.  What am I writing about?  You'll have to wait and see :-)  It'll essentially be quasi autobiographical because they say it's easier to write about what you 'know' and I seemingly know the most about my own experiences and life than other things (I like to think so, at least)......so.....I'm currently brainstorming and planning out what I want to write and the order in which I want to write it....but I'm going to do it.  Basically in the free time that I'd be watching TV, I'll be writing :-).

That is all!  I'm off to run! Toodles my friends!

It's only temporary....

It starts with a simple thought: I am going to run today.

The thought becomes a morning routine: Wake up, have some coffee, eat some breakfast (preferably two English Muffins with peanut butter and jelly on them), put on running gear, make sure the iPod is charged, and get moving.

As I head down the three flights of stairs to the outside world, I get myself pumped with the music I've already started playing on my iPod.  It's always easier to start running if the music is already going - I've told myself this, for whatever reason, for as long as I've been running.

'As long as I've been running' - that phrase....it implies I've been doing it my whole life.  While in some way, shape or form I technically have been running in some way - I didn't take up the actual sport of running until I was living in Orlando.  It was 2007.  I remember because my first road race was in the Spring of 2008.

When I started, it was miserable.  I hated it.  Every minute of it.  It was annoying and hard and not fun.  Not fun at all.  But, I told myself - 21 days.  21 days is how long it takes to make something a habit.  Even though I wasn't running every day - I forced myself to run (off and on) for just over 21 days to see if it would really stick.  Despite still not really liking it - everything hurt - even my eyes - I stuck with it. 

My first race was a 10K.  Nope, I never do anything on a smaller scale.  And some might not think 6.2 miles is a lot - heck even I don't think. now, that it's that far - and I didn't think it was that much then either.....but it's where I wanted to start.  I was running the race with a friend.  My only goal was to beat her.  Ha!  How's that for motivation? :-)  After that, I signed up for a 15K and eventually my first Half Marathon.

At some point I'll get into my whole running history....but the real reason I bring it up is because it has been 26 days since I last ran.  26 days ago, I was mid-run and felt a complete burning and tearing sensation in my left foot.  After a few doctors visits and finally a visit to a foot specialist, I was told I had torn a tendon.  Yikes.  For the last 26 days I have been doing everything I possibly can to let it heal and get it back to where I can run again.  Those of you who know me know that running is my EVERYTHING.  It helped me cope with the anxiety and frustration of the breakup.  It's my me time.  It's basically become my Zen time.

Since then, I have been teaching spin, doing my own spin workouts, and taking a LOT of YOGA.  Yoga has really helped me cope and since the last two weeks of September were kind of where I felt like I hit rock bottom for the year.  But....things are getting better.

I am finally walking with minimal to no pain in my left foot.  I haven't attempted to run yet but have used the elliptical at the gym.  In fact, I am on my way to do so now.  I have another and hopefully final foot doctor appointment today (lord knows those aren't cheap) to get fitted for custom orthotics (yay! more money!)....but I suppose these are a necessary evil when it comes to getting back to running. 

Of course, I have been reading 'Born to Run' and just read a few chapters where it discusses not running with shoes and how that's actually better for you than with shoes....of course, I can't even imagine NOT using shoes at this point.  Maybe it'll be something I can build up to....

Regardless, the fact that I haven't been able to run in the last month has been so incredibly difficult for me - the patience that I was needing to learn/find has definitely been something I have somewhat attained.  I can't say it's been without a lot of tears and anger but I can definitely say that I have found a way to survive and exist without running.

Of course...I know it's only temporary :-).....

The Happiness Project

So, a few weeks ago I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  The chapters are divided into Months.  I'm halfway through June which means I'm about halfway through the book.  It's been a really interesting read so far.  The book is basically about her journey to find MORE and GENUINE happiness that she felt she was missing in her life.  Basically, she's already happy she just wants to be happier.  

She addresses the fact that there are so many people out there that complain to her that she shouldn't be harping on the fact that she is already happy and wants to be happier when there are other people out there who are not as well off as she is......I could instantly relate to this concept.  So many times I feel as though people think I am being dramatic or whining when I talk about how I feel or what's going on in my life.

 Sure, I know things could be a lot worse.  Yes, I technically have a pretty good life.  But the thing is, I too want to be happier.  

 I am happy.  I really am.  No, things don't always go my way and some of the events that have happened in my life in the last four months weren't exactly what I would call awesomesauce but for the most part, I am grateful for the people who surround me in my life and what I have at my disposal.  I definitely am aware that life could be way worse and I do not take what I have for granted in any way.

 All that being said, I've decided I'm going to attempt to make the last quarter of 2012 the best part and end on a high note.  2011 ended on a high note, why can't I go for the repeat?  Especially since one of my best friends getting married kick started the awesomeness that is the final portion of 2012!  YAY! :-)

There is a whole section on Rubin's website about how you can start your own happiness project.  She's very goal oriented (like me), so it should be no problem for me to set some goals and achieve them.  Although I don't look for the "gold stars" she talks about wanting to receive, I know the rewards will come in time.  The first part says to 'Identify your aims' - Ask yourself these questions:

▪ What makes you feel good? What gives you joy, energy, fun?
I feel good when I exercise, eat right, don't over indulge (redundant?), help others, accomplish my "to-do" list (more-so cross things off because I just love making lists and crossing things off! really, I do).  I find joy when I am with my friends and family.  I find joy when I am traveling.  I have energy after I workout and eat well.  I have fun when I learn something new.  I also, believe it or not, have a blast when I coach/teach.

▪ What makes you feel bad? What brings you anger, guilt, boredom, dread?
I always feel bad when I eat things that are not good for me and I haven't worked out.  I feel bad when I have to cancel on friends because I stupidly spread myself too thin.  I also feel bad when I let others down.  I feel bad when I look for approval from someone (in particular) and don't get it.  I am angry with people who make me feel "less than".  I get bored doing nothing.  I dread not having things to do on a daily basis - which is why I fill up my days with a lot of random things.

▪ What makes you feel right? What values do you want your life to reflect?
I feel right when I have set goals and accomplished them.  Nothing makes me feel worse than knowing I have told someone I'd do something and then don't follow through. 
The values I want my life to reflect are integrity, honesty, love, caring, kindness and compassion/understanding.

▪ How can you build an atmosphere of growth—where you learn, explore, build, teach, help?
Try new things and surround myself with positive people.  Spend less time with those that belittle my ambitions or make me feel as though I can not do something.  Work hard to spend more time with the friends who truly love me and show more thoughtfulness when it comes to everything.


The next step is creating my own personal commandments.  In some way, shape, or form I have done this over the years - just writing down things "I will do" or things "I won't do".....those things are coming.....until next time...

Dreams....

"....that's where I have to go, to see your beautiful face...."~Gavin DeGraw

But really, I had a dream wake me up this morning....and it was a panic attack kind of dream.

What I remember about it is intertwined with something that COULD totally take place in real life.  There are moments when I really believe our dreams are premonitions...otherwise, why would we have deja vu?  That feeling like what you're experiencing has happened before....you know?

So anyway, back to my dream.....

In real life - one of my best childhood friends, Randy, got engaged back in May...and he and his fiancé have begun planning their wedding for next Fall.  That's awesome.  I truly am happy for him and her.  She's great and she'll fit right into Aster Lane....

In my dream - we were having a neighborhood BBQ and everyone was gathered around the table talking about the wedding and Meredith (Randy's fiancé) was talking about how she had 8 girls in her wedding party...and I could see Randy sitting across the table from her kind of making a face.  Now, you don't know Randy - but what you need to know is that he's a pretty fiscally practical person so he's not really one to want to spend a ton of money on one day - even if it is a wedding.  He originally wanted to elope in Vegas.  Of course, Meredith originally agreed to that and now, the wedding is one big extravaganza.  But again, I digress.....I could see him wincing each time she talked more and more about her wedding party....and as I saw his face wince more and more...I began to internalize it all....thinking about everyone else in my life who was married or just got married or got engaged or who has a significant other.....

That is when the panic attack kicked in.  It wasn't just a dream....my body had a physical reaction to it.  It woke me up.....that sadness of feeling as though I'm being left behind was there......

And then, I realized - that is not my life.  My life is busy.  My life is happy.  My life is full of fun and friendly people.  Things are finally starting to fall in to place for me....slightly....and I'm trying my best to go with it. 

I've put everything else on hold.....well....not everything else....relationships with men beyond friendship.  It's just not important to me right now....and to be honest....I really should figure out more of what I want in life than what I can give to someone else.  I know what I can give.  I know what those guys are missing out on.....so it's not my problem if they walk/walked away.....it's theirs. 

Figuring "it" out

The "it" I'm trying to figure out....seems to be changing a lot these days.  Of course Constant Change IS the name of my blog....so....I guess it's par for the course.

Speaking of Golf terminology - did anyone catch the incredible collapse of the American Ryder Cup Team?  Yikes.  Talk about horrific.  I guess you can never count out those Euros!

But I digress......right now, I have many MANY options on my plate.  Maybe if I write it all down it'll help.

Scenario #1:
So while I've currently finished with my teaching certification, I do still have three more classes to finish in order to attain my Masters of Education from Cabrini.  There is an option for me to go back to work there as a Graduate Assistant in the Spring in which I could work there and take those last there classes for free (each semester I can take one class and the college will pay for it).  That would be a good option since right now, finding a teaching job looks relatively bleak.  It's not to say I am giving up - but rather - finishing what I started.

If I decide to do this - I can continue working as an adjunct college professor (there is actually another school I am going to apply to for a full time position) - and seek out other alternatives to the ultimate goal - the Doctorate.  (yep, I am a nerd through and through!)  Temple has one of the best programs I've seen and it's the one I've been looking at for awhile.  You see, although I'd love to teach high school - I knew a long time ago I truly wanted to be a college professor.  For a lot of reasons that will be left to another post.

Scenario #2:
I apply for college coaching jobs and move again.  I don't particularly want to do this - but I really do love to coach and it's the one thing that truly brings me unsurpassed happiness every day.  Of course, it could be different on a collegiate level - but I truly love to coach.

Scenario #3:
In which I continue with the 5 jobs I have (read: spin instructor, swim coach, lesson instructor, substitute teacher, adjunct faculty at a community college) and keep pushing to try and get a real teaching job.  Honestly, with the way the economy is going, I don't know how well that will work in my favor.  My friend Bethany has been subbing ever since she got out of college - in 2008 - and she's certified in Math!....so for those of you that keep saying they need Math and Science teachers - yes they do but probably not that badly if she can't even get a job.  You know?  But again, I digress. 


There are a few other options but #1 and #3 are basically my choices.  Of course - something else could come out of it.  Honestly - I'd really love to write.  I've always loved to write and I think I'd do a really good job.  The tricky part for me is staying focused.  I have some pretty good ORIGINAL ideas that have definitely not been tackled yet.  Maybe I'll give the November writing project a try - where you're supposed to write 60K words in the month - it's equivalent to a novel supposedly.

Anyway - for the time being - I am going to tackle one thing at a time and see where it takes me.  That's all I can do, right?  I need to figure it out.

I feel....

My friend Heather - with whom I've become extremely close with in the last year - is a Special Education Teacher at LM.  She's fabulous, funny, beautiful and above all SMART.  She recently decided to go after a dream of hers - writing a book that represents or shows what an Autistic/Asperger student/person might experience when they encounter other people.  The book is called "I Feel".

First of all, it's a great book.  The concept is wonderful.  It's incredibly difficult for many Autistic students to relate how they feel about things - asperger students, not as much since the majority of people who have this tend to blurt things out bluntly without concern for any kind of personal reaction to what they see as factual.  If you need a basis for what an asperger person is like - watch Parenthood on NBC, the boy Max is the best example.  But I digress.....

Like I said, the book is awesome.  But it got me thinking....how difficult is it for just regular people to emote?  I know MANY people who have no semblance of Autism and still can not, for the life of them, express their emotions.  I write this on the cusp of my own personal experience of an OVERFLOW of emotions - more like an overwhelming state of emotions. 

I often forget that many people can not express their emotions as easily as I seem to.  If you know me - and most people who read this blog typically know me well since a lot of people don't read it - you know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  It's a trait I am some times embarrassed by and other times very proud of.  I've often been told and relayed to others, how you feel is never wrong.  It's your OWN emotions so anyone that tells you it's not okay to feel a certain way is usually saying so because they don't understand how you're feeling. 

Lately, I feel sad.  I've withdrawn a little from the world at large because no one wants to hear that I'm sad.  I've struggled with telling people because many know me as a happy-go-lucky person who always has a smile on her face (no joke, I once received an award in high school where the teacher who gave it to me told the audience that I always had a smile on my face).  And while this is relatively true to the outside world - since there are a lot of recurring frustrations in my life - I can't seem to shake this sadness. 

Filling my time up with stuff to do is generally the best way to not think about it - but then I get home at night and it all comes flowing back in.  I've even started doing yoga - which REALLY does help and I love it - but after class it all comes back to me and I am back to where I started from.

Now look, I'm not writing all this to get any kind of "oh, poor katie" reaction.  I'm writing it because I can finally put it into words how I'm feeling.  I know things could be a lot worse - they can always be worse.  And I'm not saying my issues are the be-all, end-all of life.  I am, for the most part, an optimist and a realist.  Things will get better.  They have to, right?  I have a lot of fun things planned for the next however many weekends - and I have great friends who support me and check-in on me every day.  What I'd really like is to finally find a job and for my foot to heal.  I think once those two things - or even if just my foot would heal - happen, I'll be a different person.

If anything I am definitely learning patience.  I suppose for that I should feel thankful that it's just tendinitis.  I should feel grateful to God for giving me an opportunity to teach at Montco.  I AM grateful for that above all.  I love to teach!  I just wish it was on a larger scale.....I suppose, all in good time.  (I'm getting off topic)

I feel.......a little better getting this out......

How're you feeling?

The United States of Katie

state

 [steyt]: noun, adjective, verb, stat·ed, stat·ing.

noun 1. the condition of a person or thing, as with respect to circumstances or attributes


For the record - we all know that this blog is evident of the various states I find myself in from time to time.  Currently, however, I find that I am an amalgam of said states at this very moment.  The most prominent?  Anxiety. 

While each emotional state I currently embody is not necessarily divvied into small neat little pieces or can even be given a certain percentage, I can safely say today is one of those days where EVERYTHING has decided to sweep in and leave me with a completely unexplainable emotional state.

Where to begin.....

If you've been following my blog you know that a lot of changes have been happening in my life.....boyfriend/loss of boyfriend/job searching/frustration from lack of job finding/money anxiety/emotional anxiety about money/family worries etc.  The list could go on and on.  

Similarly - If you follow me on facebook, you know that I post positive quotes every day.  So when I tell people about said anxieties from the previous paragraph, I get a lot of "but that doesn't sound like you, you're always so positive!".  Well, sure - but it's facebook.  Not everyone needs to know the concerns I have in my life.  And yes - I am aware that I am VERY guilty of airing my dirty laundry in my facebook statuses in the past (even one quite recently)...and I get plenty of judgement for it from a variety of people....but I digress.  The reason I put those quotes up is actually to try and help me - more than it helps others - although I've been told by many of my friends that they appreciate the positive quotes.  That's great.  But really, I do it for me.  It's hard to stay positive sometimes.  Which I know many people find weird to hear from me since I tend to give off a very positive vibe...but the frustration mounts when other things in my life aren't going the way I want them to.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it - I go after what I want in life.  For the most part, I tend to get it because I work hard for it and I rarely give up.  I've had to learn that sometimes I can not always get what I want but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop working for it or try to figure out a way to be happy with what I CAN have.  All that being said - lately - I have had to step back and realize that this might be a moment where despite the hard work I'm putting in to getting what I truly want out of life, sometimes there is nothing I can do but just BE.  

So where am I going with this?  The United States of Katie......

Currently I am in a state of happiness, sadness, chaos, calm, control, confusion, comfort, and worry.  Like our very own geographical union of 50, there are plenty more emotional states I am currently feeling and experiencing.  I don't know that any of them are conscious or that I'm completely aware of everything just yet but what I hope for is to find a state where I am OKAY.  

I am not all that religious by any stretch of the imagination - but I do pray and I am spiritual - one of my favorite portions of the bible is from Matthew 6:25-34  and although it generally helps to remind me of the more important things in life....I have found myself being drawn more to this particular phrase/poem/mantra:

From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir
I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it – I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.

 

A JOKE

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow..."

"Interrupting cow......" "MOOOOOO"



Ok, okay...so it's better to tell that joke in person.  But it's undoubtedly my favorite joke.  It's my 'go-to' joke.  Don't judge me.

Lately, I've felt like the above joke.  When you first start to hear the joke, you think it's going to be like any other knock knock joke you've heard before.....and then as you get farther into the joke it's abruptly different than what it appears to be on the surface......just like me.

I went out with some friends last night....and I do have to stop for a moment and explain how unbelievably grateful I am to have such amazing friends.  Especially ones that have been putting up with me for this long with the whole ex-boyfriend situation.  I don't know what I've done to deserve such awesome people in my life but I am very humbled by their timing and kind words they always have for me.  It really does make a girl/woman feel special......but I digress.....

Despite not having his phone number in my phone, I managed to text my ex-boyfriend.  Why?  I don't even know.  I didn't have anything to say to him....and when he responded (of which I was surprised) I simply wanted to know where he was.  I did proceed to ask him where he was - for whatever reason.  I didn't want to see him (although thinking about it now, I probably unconsciously wanted to).  He did text me back...and I should've let it be....but I'm an idiot.  Or at least, that's how I started to feel.

Here is this guy who broke up with me....basically acts like it's no big deal that we were ever together....doesn't really seem to care about me at all...and somehow, I am still pining away for him.  WHAT THE EF IS WRONG WITH ME!?  WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?  He doesn't care...and if he does, he certainly is showing it in a weird way.  And honestly, I'm letting it happen.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I think I deserve this kind of treatment?  If it were any of my other friends I'd tell them they need to purge their system of this guy.  They need to get him out of their life.  They'll be better off without him.

I need to just purge him from my life so as not to be the JOKE anymore. 

Why Can't I Get Angry?

I have issues.....understatement of the year. 

Okay, okay - we all have issues.  Some are more deeply routed and most times people aren't fully aware of where they stem from.  I've been seeing a therapist for the last 2 months now, and it has helped me tremendously.  When I was in treatment for my eating disorder I had a therapist then too - she was awesome.  I will always recommend seeing a therapist to someone because even though we all have friends we can turn to for support and advice, there is something about hearing it from someone who doesn't know EVERY single thing about you and can usually help clear things up in a way that your friends and even yourself never thought of before....But I digress...

A few weeks ago my therapist asked me "I'm concerned that you're sad and not mad.  This sadness seems to be making you depressed and you really should be mad with him -- not as sad anymore.  Why do you feel like you shouldn't get angry?"

So I thought about it for a moment and the first thing that popped into my head was because of my childhood.  When you're 9/10 and all you hear are your parents fighting and being mad at each other all of the time - it typically becomes something you want to avoid having in your life.  Not to mention how damaging holding on to anger and resentment can be toward someone.....anger is an emotion that I feel stresses me out.  Which is completely clear based on the anxiety attack I had on Saturday night and the one I woke up to this morning. 

There are a lot of things in my life I'm anxious about: finding a job, money, family, ex-boyfriends who are idiots...etc. 

So as I sit here typing this - I go back to this question - "Why Can't I Get Angry?"  or even - why can't I STAY angry?  What am I so afraid of?  That the other person will get angry that I'm angry?  Truth is, I'm a big softie...and I will always let someone else win an argument so I don't have to argue....and I will always let the other person be right, even if they're not.  Anger is an emotion I don't really like...which isn't healthy because it IS healthy to get angry from time to time.  It's natural,....

I've always been one of those people who's "gone with the flow" and usually don't let things bother me....which may be why I can't seem to STAY angry?  But I think I need to get angry...and I need to stay angry...and I need to make a decision because I'm not helping myself right now.  I need to do things for me...and focus on me...and enough with the "it's all on his terms" deal. 

In the last few weeks - I've been an idiot.  I can not keep doing the things I've been doing.  It's time to refocus and recenter.....I need to get angry.  I need to take action.

 Any suggestions?

My So Called Life

"There’s so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever, who know you in this way that other people can’t, because they’ve seen you change…they’ve let you change."~My So Called Life


Anyone remember that show???  IT was on MTV back in the day - "which was a Wednesday, I don't know if you know that...".....any catch that reference too?  Probably not.....I'm feeling pretty random today.

I meant to write this post yesterday because I got back from a quick jaunt to visit my friend(s) Nick, Joey, and Sam in AC.  They're friends of mine from Orlando but were in AC for a work trip.  Went to AC for the night and ended up having an evening of random fun with Nick.  Joey and Sam were so tired they just passed out early - so - it was just me and Nick :-) 

I've known Nick for about 6 years now....and it's funny how it feels like he and I have known each other for SO much longer.  The purpose of the quote is simply that - he and I know each other in this way that just kind of clicks. 

We caught up on each others' lives and what's going on and what's been going on.  I haven't seen him in about 2 years so it was great to have some time to chat.  We both help put things into perspective for each other and the one thing I really think I took away from the evening/visit is that sometimes you need to see an old friend in order to realize exactly what your priorities and what your standards are.....

What I mean by this is...we both discussed relationships we're either in (him) or recently got out of (me)....and he had mentioned seeing an old mutual friend who showed him what he used to really want in a relationship/woman.  To which I quickly replied that it's okay if your priorities or standards change over time because people change...we evolve.  It's only natural.  When I was telling him how my most current ex is unlike any other guy I've ever dated, he said, "See, now what made you choose him if he's so different?  Does that mean your standards have changed?  What made you pick him?" 

So I thought about that for a few seconds and replied...."Despite the fact that he was unlike any guy I've ever dated...the biggest difference between him and the others is the feeling I got/get when I'm with him.  There is only one person in my life who listens so intently or actually genuinely gives me advice that may or may not help me...and that person is my father.  Although I've found friends to be comforting and supportive - and yes, some of my guy friends....his particular guy always listened, calmed me down, let me freak out, didn't/doesn't judge me, and supports me.  He champions me and motivates me when I am down on myself.  The only other person who's ever done that was my dad because he's the only person I've ever let see me be so vulnerable...."

Nick thought about that for a second and basically said...."it's really interesting that you said it was more about emotion and comfort than appearances...."  I said...well...looks fade over time...it's what's behind them that truly matter. 

I'm getting off on a tangent that needs to be reeled in.....

Basically the point of the post is to say, it's important to have those conversations with people who know you in a way that's different than everyone else.  Nick and I have a special bond and I'm so lucky to have him as a friend.  Just like so many of my friends that I don't see often, when I am with them, it's as if no time has passed at all and we're completely comfortable with each other.  I wonder if that's just me? Or if it's because I've had a ton of luck with finding the right friends.....

Either way....I hope everyone has friends like this...that have seen you change...and let you change...and are still there for you at all times....

Why Do I Care? and Why I Do Care....

WHY DO I CARE?
It's often happened in my life that I end up getting the short end of the stick.  Now, stick with me here for a moment - this is not a "woe is me" kind of diatribe.  In fact - it's really not meant to sound like anything but an observation from the last 20+ years of my life.... And this is certainly not any kind of "give me a pat on the back because I'm awesome" statement either.....

So often in our lives, we find ourselves doing things for others that we know ahead of time will reap no kind of reward other than doing that particular thing out of kindness.  In the last few months, I've not only re-adopted this philosophy - kindness above all without any expectation of it in return - but I've also realized that in some cases, you just kind of have to let it be too. 

I'm not about to sit here and mention specific examples in my life where I've gone above and beyond to help someone else and gotten nothing in return - ever....but what I want to really ask myself sometimes is "Why do I care THIS MUCH to help someone or be there for someone that really isn't there for me?"  Do I already know that I don't/won't need their help back?  Do they know it?  Do they think I am the stronger of the two people in the situation or just in general?

I am a relatively strong-willed person.  If I see something I want I'm most likely going to go after it until I get it.  This can be a good and bad thing.  The good is that most people see me as a Type A person who acts on her intentions and about 98% of the time follows through.  The bad thing is that I feel personally responsible when I realize that I am only human and can only do so much - so I feel as though I'm letting people down.  In other words - I have a hard time saying "no".  Don't we all?  Okay, maybe not all of us.....teach me how!!  But I digress....

Why do I care about things SO much?  My dad tells me it's because "that's just the kind of person you are Katie.  You care about some people more than they deserve and you don't always get back what you put out.  You've always been like that.  It's not a bad thing."  Indeed.  It's not a bad thing to care.  But how can I force myself to stop being to giving sometimes?  or the question really is - SHOULD I force myself to stop caring so much? 

WHY I DO CARE.....
I care because I know that regardless of whether or not someone or anyone gives back any kind of giving or caring in the way I do, I feel better knowing I'm helping someone.  I just really like to help people.

I care because it's such a great feeling.  I don't know if it's as popular as it was when I was younger but the idea of 'practice random acts of kindness every day' still holds true for me.  I really do enjoy it. 

Of course, there are downfalls to the concept of caring TOO much - gut-wrenching anxiety, worry, etc.  These are still things I have to work on letting go.  There is nothing I can do about others' reactions or how other people handle their lives....all I can do is what I can with what I have in my time.  And I choose to spend it caring about people....

How do you choose to spend your time?

7-24-09

It was around 8:30AM.  My sister was watching TV and my mother was in the kitchen doing her crossword puzzle.  I was just finishing up my coffee and getting ready to head to the gym to.

Corrine (Glenn's girlfriend at the time), knocked on our front door and stood in our living room.  Her face was as serious as I've ever seen someones face.  She had only this to say, "Rachel and Troy are dead."

At first, as most people would, we said, "WHAT".  You never think that you'll ever hear those words about a 30 year old woman and her 3 year old child....and yet....it was all true.  Ever since then, the pain has lessened but my memory of that day is still very clear.  I won't get into all the details about their passing and how it happened but let's just say there are many MANY posts and conversations that I could have with all of you about everything and it would still hurt the same.

Rachel was one of my best friends growing up.  As with many of the kids I grew up with on Aster Lane - most, if not all, of my childhood memories include her in some way.  Whether it was when she and I would play school together or when she was teaching me how to roller-skate (remember those?) or when she would make silly dances with me and when it was my birthday and all my friends paired off to make up a dance routine and she stepped in to make it seem like it didn't matter because I had an older friend doing mine with me....she was always one of the kindest people I knew.  There are an incredible amount of similarities between her and I.....and maybe, even beyond our childhood, it's why I still feel so connected to her.

Troy was such an amazing child.  He was born about 4 months premature and was in the hospital for a good six months beyond his birth - being born just over 1lb.  He, from the beginning, was one of the strongest kids I knew.  He was a survivor and a joy!  Every day when Rachel would come to the circle, he would make a bee-line to my mom's house to play with us....well, mainly my mother.  He would come over and knock on the door - even if his Gammy told him we weren't home.  Often times you'd find him falling asleep while watching Wall-E in our living room.  I remember babysitting for him when he was just a few months old.  Such a joy! :-)  One of the best smiles I've ever seen.....but I digress.  Sadly, he was caught in the middle of the situation but he is with is mother, which is where he should be.....but that doesn't mean I don't miss him and her every day.

So where am I going with this??  Well, since their passing, we started a non-profit foundation in their honor.  The money we raise goes to local organizations that help to support women and children who are the victims of domestic abuse.  When we started we weren't sure what to use as our foundation logo.  We (myself, Rachel's parents and brother) decided on a butterfly.  Since then, I wanted to get a tattoo in commemoration of them.  I knew it had to be the butterfly.

Yesterday, that decision finally came to fruition.....the end result:

They were already with me all the time, but now, I have a constant reminder.  I can look down and know that no matter what I'm going through - Rachel and Troy are there to help me get through it.  It also reminds me that things are not nearly as bad as they could be - in any situation.

I miss them dearly.  Every day.  RIP Rach.  RIP Troy.

1, 2, 3....Breathe.....

1,2,3....Breathe......

Bilateral breathing.  It's one of the fundamental breathing patterns we teach to swimmers.  Three strokes, one breadth....three more strokes, another breadth.....It's so one arm doesn't get more dominant over the other when building upper body strength in the pool.  It's also a way to keep things changing...moving...going...

In the last few months, I've found myself doing a lot of bilateral breathing....and not just in the pool.  Sadly, I did not swim as much as I probably should have or wanted to this Summer.  Yes, I realize the summer isn't over yet but the main issue with me right now is that I feel like I want to swim some laps...and then...I get in.  All motivation is lost after I dive in and do a 100 (4 laps).  In case you're wondering - a normal warm up for (ex-distance swimmer that I am) is about 500 yards.  If I'm feeling pretty good, it's 1000 (40 laps).  I'm not sure if the lack of motivation is because I am so bummed about other things going on in my life or if it's because I've really taken to running - as mentioned in the previous post (i.e. upping my mileage).  But I digress.....the bilateral breathing I'm doing mainly consists of doing something or feeling one way for a few days and then I take a breadth...the end result is switching it up again and after a few days I take another breadth.  I feel like I haven't had any consistency in my life lately.....

So now you're reading this and probably thinking...but isn't your blog about things constantly changing?  Aren't you trying to write about how to embrace change...accept it...grow with it/from it...move forward knowing that nothing is set in stone?  One of my favorite quotes is, "The best way to make God laugh is to make plans".  Well..I don't have any plans anymore and yet somehow I feel as though he's still laughing.....  Trust me.  I'm not depressed.....although much of what I write here might make it seem like it.  I'm just kind of bummed.  Sad even.  I still have great days and sometimes weeks....but I wonder when I'll ever really accept things the way that they are. 

Awhile back I had told myself that I was perfectly content with being a single woman in her 30s.  Despite the fact that a good portion of my friends are either involved with someone, engaged, married, or have kids....I accepted the fact that this was my life.  Things might not stay this way forever but that I need to be happy with how things are right now.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  We go through events and experiences for exactly that...the experience and the learning process.  I'm working really hard to get back to that point...where I am completely okay with being by myself...but as I said before...it's lonely being single sometimes.

Don't get me wrong - I have plenty of wonderful friends and family who are supportive...but....I'd like to be able to share my experiences with someone else too.  What makes me so G.D. special that I'm single?

And I know I know..."the grass is always greener"....I'm not looking for a complete life change.  I'm looking for some clarity.  So for example...if this is how my life is supposed to be right now....why? 

Also....

"Person of the Year"?  Really.....

I can tell you they didn't get my vote for that one.....

(fb - his profile picture) that is all.....

Accepting change....

More like I'm embracing it at this point. 

It's now almost been 2 months since the unthinkable happened.  So what am I doing?  I'm still going.  Like I was 2 months ago, I am still moving forward.  I don't know that my heart has entirely moved on or even how long it will take because I felt something so profound for him that I didn't think I could feel for anyone again.  That being said...If he can live without me, I sure as hell can live without him too, right?

I find myself enjoying love stories again and really being okay listening to most music that deals with love and longing.  A few I still can't listen to:  Dave Matthews, Crash and Lover Lay Down.  Also, all Incubus songs - because it is his favorite band.  Ironically, I was heading out for a date last night and I heard an Incubus song on the radio.  I immediately changed the station and put him out of my mind.  That's the thing - when I'm going out with other people (at least now - not at first) - I'm not thinking about him.  It's only when I'm by myself and my mind wanders.  I guess that's inevitable.  My therapist tells me it's okay to be sad about it but to make sure that I'm being open to others advances.  Surprisingly (at least, to me), there have been quite a few.  Some haven't worked out - some are still in limbo - and some are brand new.

My foray back into single-hood is just as weird as when I had a boyfriend for the first time in however long.  I wasn't totally sure if I was doing it correctly.  In retrospect, I realize there are some things I probably jumped the gun on.....so....maybe the fact that I'm being a little bit more standoffish and tentative when I go out with these guys is not so surprising at all.  Nothing has been, in any way, serious.  I find myself really enjoying the evenings and conversation with these guys but then the date comes to an end and I'm just like - I don't want to kiss him - I don't even want to hug him.  And yet, he's a perfectly nice person and good looking to boot.  There was one guy that I was really 'in' to but he's so busy and "lost" (his own words) that he can not focus on anything right now.  HOW DO I FIND THESE GUYS?!  One of the guys I went out with last week wanted me to spend the night - after a two hour, and very first, conversation.  UM - I DON'T THINK SO BUB.  I suppose I should take it as a compliment but I'm realizing more and more that maybe I need to just take this time to focus on me for awhile. 

I do have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) night.  That is actually something I'm looking forward to.  The guy is older than I am - a first for me.  Usually I end up going out with guys my own age or younger because they all think I'm younger.  We both agree that we're interested in getting to know one another and nothing serious.  I think it'll be fun. 

My biggest worry right now, however, is just as I mentioned before - should I even be dating?  I think the reason I'm going out with these guys is because I'd rather be out than sit at home by myself.  With the exception of a few friends, most of mine are either engaged, married, or in serious relationships...so their desire to hang out with a single person is generally limited.  It's lonely being single sometimes.  The coupley things you were able to do with other friends when you were in a relationship are now gone and the invites are few and far between.  It's entirely okay.  I get it.  I've been there and done that too. 

In relation to the idea just mentioned- as I was chatting with two of my single girl friends the other day we all agreed that when we are in a relationship, the independent person we worked so hard to become and enjoy in our free time kind of disappears because we're SO happy being with the other person in the relationship that we kind of lose sight of what we want and what our goals were.  I've definitely been guilty of doing this when I was involved with Derek.  And it wasn't anything he did - I was entirely the one that changed my focus.  Maybe that's why I was so quick to apply for grad school after he and I broke up......  Since I'm much older now, I do tend to take a different approach with guys.  I refuse to change the things I am doing with my life or how I do things for myself.  I think I did a pretty good job at staying true to who I was/am when I was with Pete.  Life was assuredly hectic when I was with him - Student Teaching, Coaching, Teaching Spin, homework, etc.  And yet, I still managed to find time to spend with him because I WANTED to.....so it wasn't a compromise in anyway - it's what I wanted.  The old Katie would have just dropped teaching spin all together or cut back on her coaching hours.....I won't do that any more.

So besides attempting to date, what have I been doing?  I've been running a lot.  I've upped my mileage from 20-25 miles a week to 30-35 miles a week.  Honestly - I love it so much.  I don't know why.  My body can just accept it.  Before I used to have a hard time running more than one day in a row - now I'm running 5-6 days in a row.  I don't know why but I'm not going to question it.  I'm still teaching spin classes.  I have a few swim lessons to still teach in August.  I'm looking for a teaching job.  I decided to hold off on the moving because I don't know where I'll be in a month but what I realized is that I really do like my apartment and the location that I live.  I think the initial desire to move came because so much of what I see every day (in my apartment) still reminds me of him...and I really want to not think like that.....But....I am a big girl and I can do this.  Like I said, if he can live without me, I can certainly live without him.

And so I leave it here - I'm embracing each day as though something amazing will happen because it certainly could!  I'm really believing this quote: “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” Eckhart Tolle
And I'm really trying to stay positive.  It'll happen, right?

The Space Between

I've been listening to a lot of Dave lately....and 'The Space Between' - although not all the lyrics apply - they resonate with me and my current situation.  Let's just say - without going into too much detail because those of you that read this really already know what's happened - I'm sad.

The sadness has created a sense of hollowness.

Am I still going?  Yes.  I have things in my life I MUST do...and despite me not really being present in which I'm simply going through the motions....I'm still getting up every day.  I am taking something to help me sleep at night, otherwise this girl wouldn't be getting any sleep.  I still feel like a zombie most days.  And although there is a plan in place - I can't help but feel anxious about it.

What else is going on......

-Summer swim practices started last week.  So that's something to do every afternoon. 
-I've started teaching private swim lessons so I'm making some extra money. 
-I canceled my Praxis tests that I was supposed to take tomorrow.  I'm simply not ready and would rather wait for a time when I am so that I'm not just taking a test and failing so as to just end up taking it again. 
-I'm applying for jobs like crazy.  I can only hope that I get SOMETHING.  Otherwise I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with subbing for awhile....
-I've started to look at places to live in Conshohocken.  It's very premature because I don't know if I'll have a job or not but if I get the job I think I'll get, it would be a good middle ground especially since I plan to continue coaching at LM in the winter and possibly the spring (which is all dependent on the current situation).
-It's June - how did that happen?  Didn't we just celebrate the new year?
-I've taken a break from running races.  I just don't have the same desire to do them.  The motivation to run is still there - but the entry fees for the races are really expensive so I have to start picking and choosing and if I'm going to run them, I want to do different races instead of the ones I've been doing.  I'm thinking of doing an inaugural half marathon up in Perk Valley and then definitely the Baltimore half marathon.  My friend Pat from Grad school lives down there and he said I could stay at his place if/when it comes time....so that'll be nice.  I won't have to shell out for a hotel.
 -I've been teaching a lot of spinning lately - which is good - money - bad because it takes away from the days I can run - although since everything has happened I've been exercising a little bit more than usual.....it keeps my mind calm instead of wandering about the "what if's"...which then becomes a downward spiral.

So...all in all...I'm still here...still going....still moving forward.  Just incredibly sad.  I miss him.  

It's been awhile.....

Ain't that the truth!...and although it's cliché...it's VERY true.  The last post I wrote on here was before the new year!  Crazy!

Since then - so much has happened and while I'm not going to do all the updating - just so y'all that even might possibly read this know - I'm doin' pretty well.  The job hunt begins.....and so I guess that's my newest adventure.....

As for everything else...a friend of mine emailed me these lists and another friend posted on my facebook page awhile back....I just reviewed it again since that first fb post and realized how far I've come with my own personal reflection and struggles.

The original article is actually from a Huffpo article that was taken from a book.  

How do you other ladies fair????....I can honestly say I can check them all off.....

By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

What's on your personal list of things to have and know -- and possibly do -- before turning 30?