The sadness has created a sense of hollowness.
Am I still going? Yes. I have things in my life I MUST do...and despite me not really being present in which I'm simply going through the motions....I'm still getting up every day. I am taking something to help me sleep at night, otherwise this girl wouldn't be getting any sleep. I still feel like a zombie most days. And although there is a plan in place - I can't help but feel anxious about it.
What else is going on......
-Summer swim practices started last week. So that's something to do every afternoon.
-I've started teaching private swim lessons so I'm making some extra money.
-I canceled my Praxis tests that I was supposed to take tomorrow. I'm simply not ready and would rather wait for a time when I am so that I'm not just taking a test and failing so as to just end up taking it again.
-I'm applying for jobs like crazy. I can only hope that I get SOMETHING. Otherwise I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with subbing for awhile....
-I've started to look at places to live in Conshohocken. It's very premature because I don't know if I'll have a job or not but if I get the job I think I'll get, it would be a good middle ground especially since I plan to continue coaching at LM in the winter and possibly the spring (which is all dependent on the current situation).
-It's June - how did that happen? Didn't we just celebrate the new year?
-I've taken a break from running races. I just don't have the same desire to do them. The motivation to run is still there - but the entry fees for the races are really expensive so I have to start picking and choosing and if I'm going to run them, I want to do different races instead of the ones I've been doing. I'm thinking of doing an inaugural half marathon up in Perk Valley and then definitely the Baltimore half marathon. My friend Pat from Grad school lives down there and he said I could stay at his place if/when it comes time....so that'll be nice. I won't have to shell out for a hotel.
-I've been teaching a lot of spinning lately - which is good - money - bad because it takes away from the days I can run - although since everything has happened I've been exercising a little bit more than usual.....it keeps my mind calm instead of wandering about the "what if's"...which then becomes a downward spiral.
So...all in all...I'm still here...still going....still moving forward. Just incredibly sad. I miss him.
