Called - What I ate today - and why I STILL want to eat.
Breakfast:
Coffee (100)
Oatmeal - same as yesterday (240 - 2)
Lunch:
Salad
Peach
Yogurt (60)
Apple
Carrots
Snack:
Protein Bar (190 - 6)
Yogurt (60)
I still want to eat because clearly I am nuts. Ok maybe not - but still - I must go to the gym tonight. I can see my muscles going to mush - and that is not smile times.
Thursdays are usually my days where I lift and then do spin class. Lately I am not motivated to do anything. Anything at all. Bleh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to come into work - I don't want to do anything but sleep and watch tv. And when I am home - I WANT to workout - but when I'm at work - it's like - well that was my daily activity - I don't want to do anything else. Bleh.
I do not like feeling like this!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Another Horoscope...Another Dream.....Sheesh!
So yesterday when I read my horoscope - I really didn't believe it:
Your Horoscope for JANUARY 30, 2008
If you haven't been remembering your dreams for the past few weeks, Katie, tonight you should recall a flood of them - too many, perhaps, to hang on to. Write down as many as you can, because they're trying to tell you something about yourself. Later, when you're in a more objective mood, go over your accounts of them and see what the symbols are telling you. You might be amazed at what you learn.
And now? I guess you could say, I'm a believer. Oh yeah. ESPECIALLY after the doozy of a dream I had last night:
So basically from what I remember of yet ANOTHER vivid dream. I was leaving work and instead of driving I decided to walk - I guess my car was there but I wanted to take a walk before I left?? Anyway so I'm walking down the street and there are all these people around walking as well - and who do I bump into? Derek. Only, he's not walking normally. He's got these cane like walking sticks on his arms - almost like he's "working out" - kind of like what you'd use when you were hiking or something. Anyway - I see him but he doesn't see me - and I am walking behind him. I think to myself, do I not say anything? Do I say something? Eventually he turns around and sees me. I say - "oh hey! I didn't even know that was you (lying of course)" and he was like "hi how are you?"
I don't remember the rest of that part of the conversation or much else of what we say but I soon realize I am walking alongside him and he is walking to his "house"? We get to this wooded area (I'm guessing I dreamed this since the last time I saw him he looked like a mountain man - haha) and he takes those cane thingys off his arm. I asked him how long he had been walking - he said - oh only a few minutes. Weird. Anyway - to get up to his house (which by the way is up in the air - like the ones you find down the shore - only it's built out of trees - again - mountain man theme) - you have to climb steps that are built out of - trees (you know what I mean? cabin like) So we get inside and it's a small house - resembles what I figure would be a small cabin - up in the air - but somehow it's a very familiar place - still can't figure out where I know that place from. Anyway - he's sweating so he decided to change - I wait in his "main room" and just kind of look around (youowuld think I could describe more of the room for you because I seriously had plenty of time to do that).
Next thing I know - He pops back out into the main room and his beard is gone - he's clean shaven - he's dressed the way he used to dress (athletic but comfy) - and he comes and gives me a huge hug. I push him away and have a confused look on my face. I don't really remember what we start talking about - but I think it's along the lines of - "you missed me, didn't you?" - I say that to him. The next thing I remember is he had his arms around me - like holding me but from behind - and then his mom appears - but it's not his mom - but it is. And she has a confused look on her face, kind of like, oh my gosh what are you doing here katie.
And before I know it - he's kissing me on my neck. I feel a sense of uncomfortableness because his mom is still there and I am not sure I should be there. So I say, "I should go." He turns me around - gives me a hug - and I leave.
Now - I realize that's not that big of a deal - but really? These dreams and horoscopes really are coinciding too often.
More thoughts later. I have a meeting.
Your Horoscope for JANUARY 30, 2008
If you haven't been remembering your dreams for the past few weeks, Katie, tonight you should recall a flood of them - too many, perhaps, to hang on to. Write down as many as you can, because they're trying to tell you something about yourself. Later, when you're in a more objective mood, go over your accounts of them and see what the symbols are telling you. You might be amazed at what you learn.
And now? I guess you could say, I'm a believer. Oh yeah. ESPECIALLY after the doozy of a dream I had last night:
So basically from what I remember of yet ANOTHER vivid dream. I was leaving work and instead of driving I decided to walk - I guess my car was there but I wanted to take a walk before I left?? Anyway so I'm walking down the street and there are all these people around walking as well - and who do I bump into? Derek. Only, he's not walking normally. He's got these cane like walking sticks on his arms - almost like he's "working out" - kind of like what you'd use when you were hiking or something. Anyway - I see him but he doesn't see me - and I am walking behind him. I think to myself, do I not say anything? Do I say something? Eventually he turns around and sees me. I say - "oh hey! I didn't even know that was you (lying of course)" and he was like "hi how are you?"
I don't remember the rest of that part of the conversation or much else of what we say but I soon realize I am walking alongside him and he is walking to his "house"? We get to this wooded area (I'm guessing I dreamed this since the last time I saw him he looked like a mountain man - haha) and he takes those cane thingys off his arm. I asked him how long he had been walking - he said - oh only a few minutes. Weird. Anyway - to get up to his house (which by the way is up in the air - like the ones you find down the shore - only it's built out of trees - again - mountain man theme) - you have to climb steps that are built out of - trees (you know what I mean? cabin like) So we get inside and it's a small house - resembles what I figure would be a small cabin - up in the air - but somehow it's a very familiar place - still can't figure out where I know that place from. Anyway - he's sweating so he decided to change - I wait in his "main room" and just kind of look around (youowuld think I could describe more of the room for you because I seriously had plenty of time to do that).
Next thing I know - He pops back out into the main room and his beard is gone - he's clean shaven - he's dressed the way he used to dress (athletic but comfy) - and he comes and gives me a huge hug. I push him away and have a confused look on my face. I don't really remember what we start talking about - but I think it's along the lines of - "you missed me, didn't you?" - I say that to him. The next thing I remember is he had his arms around me - like holding me but from behind - and then his mom appears - but it's not his mom - but it is. And she has a confused look on her face, kind of like, oh my gosh what are you doing here katie.
And before I know it - he's kissing me on my neck. I feel a sense of uncomfortableness because his mom is still there and I am not sure I should be there. So I say, "I should go." He turns me around - gives me a hug - and I leave.
Now - I realize that's not that big of a deal - but really? These dreams and horoscopes really are coinciding too often.
More thoughts later. I have a meeting.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Again - gotta love The Fray. They know what they're talking about - in fact - that whole album is awesome - GET IT! It's almost as great as Coldplay XY - but not exactly.
Did you know - in the 1600s, the spleen was said to be the source of emotion and passion? Yeah - neither did I. Interesting stuff you learn when you watch the travel channel - well, ok, Anthony Bourdain. I love that show.
ANYWAY - today - I just kind of feel like I am going through the motions of life. Ever have those days? Where you're there but you're not? I am putting up the best facade right now. No one has any idea what I'm feeling on the inside and no one really has any clue that I really just don't want to be here today. In fact, I was really moments from not coming in today - I don't want to come in tomorrow either - but I know if I don't, everything I have to do will just be waiting for me on Friday. Maybe I'll come in tomorrow - finish everything - then take off on Friday. After all, I am working all weekend and if I don't take off Friday - I won't have a day off - unless I just work the rest of the week and take off on Monday - but that's usually the best day to get stuff finished so probably Friday.
Have you ever had those days or times when you think - does it even matter if I am here? Would people miss me if I was gone? Will I ever find someone that completes my life?
It's a contemplative day - if you can't tell.
I keep seeing all these eHarmony, match, chemistry commercials. Grrrr. It's aggravating. I think they work for some people - and honestly - I've used one of them - but do I really want to meet my future husband that way? Shouldn't I just leave it up to fate or destiny. That being said - do I really believe in either of them? Some people say you create your own destiny and others say you can only do so much and then the rest is left up to fate. I flip flop on this issue because sometimes I believe the former is true and some times I believe the ladder is true. Right now - I am being defeatist and letting myself believe that there is only so much I can do but the rest is left up to fate.
Very defeatist day too - actually pretty defeatist month - and my year hasn't exactly started that great either. I was hoping that 2008 would be a "banner" year - as they say - but I am learning - that really - it's the luck of the draw, a crap shoot if you will.
I was listening to an old song (and by old I mean from 1999) this morning when I was doing some work - remember that Graduation Speech that was turned into a song, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen"? Yeah - that was the "song" I listened to. The lyrics always get me - and kind of put me in a daze - especially this one part:
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
and
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
and
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Just gets me every time.
Did you know - in the 1600s, the spleen was said to be the source of emotion and passion? Yeah - neither did I. Interesting stuff you learn when you watch the travel channel - well, ok, Anthony Bourdain. I love that show.
ANYWAY - today - I just kind of feel like I am going through the motions of life. Ever have those days? Where you're there but you're not? I am putting up the best facade right now. No one has any idea what I'm feeling on the inside and no one really has any clue that I really just don't want to be here today. In fact, I was really moments from not coming in today - I don't want to come in tomorrow either - but I know if I don't, everything I have to do will just be waiting for me on Friday. Maybe I'll come in tomorrow - finish everything - then take off on Friday. After all, I am working all weekend and if I don't take off Friday - I won't have a day off - unless I just work the rest of the week and take off on Monday - but that's usually the best day to get stuff finished so probably Friday.
Have you ever had those days or times when you think - does it even matter if I am here? Would people miss me if I was gone? Will I ever find someone that completes my life?
It's a contemplative day - if you can't tell.
I keep seeing all these eHarmony, match, chemistry commercials. Grrrr. It's aggravating. I think they work for some people - and honestly - I've used one of them - but do I really want to meet my future husband that way? Shouldn't I just leave it up to fate or destiny. That being said - do I really believe in either of them? Some people say you create your own destiny and others say you can only do so much and then the rest is left up to fate. I flip flop on this issue because sometimes I believe the former is true and some times I believe the ladder is true. Right now - I am being defeatist and letting myself believe that there is only so much I can do but the rest is left up to fate.
Very defeatist day too - actually pretty defeatist month - and my year hasn't exactly started that great either. I was hoping that 2008 would be a "banner" year - as they say - but I am learning - that really - it's the luck of the draw, a crap shoot if you will.
I was listening to an old song (and by old I mean from 1999) this morning when I was doing some work - remember that Graduation Speech that was turned into a song, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen"? Yeah - that was the "song" I listened to. The lyrics always get me - and kind of put me in a daze - especially this one part:
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
and
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
and
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Just gets me every time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
omg so full
I haven't even had THAT much to eat today - it just feels like it. Lets see:
Two packets of Low Sugar Oatmeal (120 - 2)
Nuts (who knows)
Salad
Grapes/Strawberries
Medium Sized apple
Strawberry Fruit Leather
Animal Crackers (240 - 4)
Mocha/Coffee (who knows)
Coffee (100)
So really - not that much - but it feels like a lot - I dont know why - and I feel like I need to go workout for like a million hours. Its tuesday so the plan was to lift for 30 mins - abs for 15 - then spin class for an hour - then home. We'll see if I end up doing it - but I do the same thing on Thursdays too - so - who knows - I just feel guilty for not exercising last Friday - even though this is a new week.
I've gone Saturday, Sunday, Monday - I could take off today - then continue Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - I just hate the feeling of missing a day and then feeling gross the next day - maybe if I don't eat too much tonight.
Gah! I'll probably end up going to the gym anyway - because what do I really have to do after work anyway - I am so boring - I could always go get my hair done. hmmmm - which is a great way to not eat and to keep myself busy. But then I'll feel guilty. Blah!
Two packets of Low Sugar Oatmeal (120 - 2)
Nuts (who knows)
Salad
Grapes/Strawberries
Medium Sized apple
Strawberry Fruit Leather
Animal Crackers (240 - 4)
Mocha/Coffee (who knows)
Coffee (100)
So really - not that much - but it feels like a lot - I dont know why - and I feel like I need to go workout for like a million hours. Its tuesday so the plan was to lift for 30 mins - abs for 15 - then spin class for an hour - then home. We'll see if I end up doing it - but I do the same thing on Thursdays too - so - who knows - I just feel guilty for not exercising last Friday - even though this is a new week.
I've gone Saturday, Sunday, Monday - I could take off today - then continue Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - I just hate the feeling of missing a day and then feeling gross the next day - maybe if I don't eat too much tonight.
Gah! I'll probably end up going to the gym anyway - because what do I really have to do after work anyway - I am so boring - I could always go get my hair done. hmmmm - which is a great way to not eat and to keep myself busy. But then I'll feel guilty. Blah!
There are certain people....
You just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder
Could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
~The Fray
Isn't this just the story of my life......only for some reason, I've been waiting - what is my problem?
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder
Could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
~The Fray
Isn't this just the story of my life......only for some reason, I've been waiting - what is my problem?
I've got another confession to make.....
I'm your fool. Everyone's got their chains to break. Holdin' you.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess
~Foo Fighters
A little Foo to get the day started. I love that song. And not just because I love the Foo - but because it is a song that always reminds me that even though at one point in my life, there was someone who did do that to me - I refuse to let it happen again.
However - I can't help but think how much former boyfriends - and one in particular - has made it so difficult for me to move on. Fortunately, I am at a place in my life that I am happy again - and am ready, I think, to be serious with someone again. Wish I knew who that would be. Wish it would be the one that I want it to be with. Unfortunately, he isn't sure that it's what he wants. Not that I know that for sure - especially with the way he reacts to seeing me. But - he hasn't told me otherwise and therefore I don't have a lot to go on except the times we spend together - which haven't been that often.
I do still have problems with things. For example, I still hold back. Nearly all the time. It's because of Derek that I do. I used to volunteer information to people without them asking. In the last few years, I stopped doing that. Not because I don't want people to know me - but mainly because I used to tell people things that they either didn't need to know or things that didn't matter to them. I know I have moments where I am sitting and listening to certain people (those that aren't close friends) and wondering why they are telling me certain intricate details of their life. It's one thing if you're a close friend of mine - then I am genuinely interested, but it's another if you're just an acquaintance. However, I do realize that some people don't really have anyone they can talk to and so I'm really ok with being that person that they either use as a sounding board or just someone to listen. We all need someone to listen to us. But I digress......
Back to my main point. I hold back. I will not tell people things about my life unless they ask. I figure, if they don't ask, they don't really want to know - and I realized in the last few years - people rarely ask me about me - unless it's my parents, sister, and that handful of friends I have that I know are genuinely interested in my life. I want to be more open with people - I do - and with my close friends, the ones I know I can trust, I am. I'm pretty sure the biggest reason as to why I am afraid to open up to someone, well - a guy that I'm interested in - is because the last time I did that, he was my best friend. And when I lost him - it devastated my whole world. He was my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my life. And when I lost that - I felt like I lost everything.
Nearly five years later, I know more about who I am and what I want and what I don't want.
What I want for me:
To not lose myself - who I am and what it means to be an independent person.
To have them compliment me - and not let myself take on the life and the person that they are.
To be secure enough to know that I deserve to be treated right and not let the person I am with make me feel like my feelings don't matter.
To be confident and happy and not let my self worth bet determined by whether they call me or contact me
To trust them.
What I don't want:
Someone who doesn't know how they feel about me
Someone who is independent but can be with me
Someone who is confident and happy with who they are
Someone who knows I am trustworthy, patient, and kind and care about them just as much as I care about me.
Someone who talks to me - communicates with me - tells me how they are/what they're feeling and what they need and is receptive to the same with me.
Comfort and care - love and honesty.
I realize it's kind of a tall order but I know I deserve those things because those are the things that I would give them - and they wouldn't even have to ask.
I also know that the next guy I am that open with - well, he'll be someone I see as very special. There is someone I want to be that open with - but I'm pretty sure he's not ready for that and like I said - I don't think he wants that.
Right now - I find myself holding back in a lot of arenas, and I find myself holding back with the guy previously mentioned. But then, it could just be because he's holding back too - or at least - it feels that way. But then, I really wouldn't know - we haven't talked about it.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess
~Foo Fighters
A little Foo to get the day started. I love that song. And not just because I love the Foo - but because it is a song that always reminds me that even though at one point in my life, there was someone who did do that to me - I refuse to let it happen again.
However - I can't help but think how much former boyfriends - and one in particular - has made it so difficult for me to move on. Fortunately, I am at a place in my life that I am happy again - and am ready, I think, to be serious with someone again. Wish I knew who that would be. Wish it would be the one that I want it to be with. Unfortunately, he isn't sure that it's what he wants. Not that I know that for sure - especially with the way he reacts to seeing me. But - he hasn't told me otherwise and therefore I don't have a lot to go on except the times we spend together - which haven't been that often.
I do still have problems with things. For example, I still hold back. Nearly all the time. It's because of Derek that I do. I used to volunteer information to people without them asking. In the last few years, I stopped doing that. Not because I don't want people to know me - but mainly because I used to tell people things that they either didn't need to know or things that didn't matter to them. I know I have moments where I am sitting and listening to certain people (those that aren't close friends) and wondering why they are telling me certain intricate details of their life. It's one thing if you're a close friend of mine - then I am genuinely interested, but it's another if you're just an acquaintance. However, I do realize that some people don't really have anyone they can talk to and so I'm really ok with being that person that they either use as a sounding board or just someone to listen. We all need someone to listen to us. But I digress......
Back to my main point. I hold back. I will not tell people things about my life unless they ask. I figure, if they don't ask, they don't really want to know - and I realized in the last few years - people rarely ask me about me - unless it's my parents, sister, and that handful of friends I have that I know are genuinely interested in my life. I want to be more open with people - I do - and with my close friends, the ones I know I can trust, I am. I'm pretty sure the biggest reason as to why I am afraid to open up to someone, well - a guy that I'm interested in - is because the last time I did that, he was my best friend. And when I lost him - it devastated my whole world. He was my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my life. And when I lost that - I felt like I lost everything.
Nearly five years later, I know more about who I am and what I want and what I don't want.
What I want for me:
To not lose myself - who I am and what it means to be an independent person.
To have them compliment me - and not let myself take on the life and the person that they are.
To be secure enough to know that I deserve to be treated right and not let the person I am with make me feel like my feelings don't matter.
To be confident and happy and not let my self worth bet determined by whether they call me or contact me
To trust them.
What I don't want:
Someone who doesn't know how they feel about me
Someone who is independent but can be with me
Someone who is confident and happy with who they are
Someone who knows I am trustworthy, patient, and kind and care about them just as much as I care about me.
Someone who talks to me - communicates with me - tells me how they are/what they're feeling and what they need and is receptive to the same with me.
Comfort and care - love and honesty.
I realize it's kind of a tall order but I know I deserve those things because those are the things that I would give them - and they wouldn't even have to ask.
I also know that the next guy I am that open with - well, he'll be someone I see as very special. There is someone I want to be that open with - but I'm pretty sure he's not ready for that and like I said - I don't think he wants that.
Right now - I find myself holding back in a lot of arenas, and I find myself holding back with the guy previously mentioned. But then, it could just be because he's holding back too - or at least - it feels that way. But then, I really wouldn't know - we haven't talked about it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I can't believe he said that!
All in all - decent weekend. Stayed in on Friday - watched Hairspray and remembered why I love that movie so much! Saturday I really didn't do much - went to the gym did a good workout - and Saturday night hung out with Brian (former trainer and soon to be again) and Trish. Dadders was there too. Went up to Jax for a bit and then headed over to a house party for a co-worker who is leaving town in a week for a different job. She will be missed I'm sure.
The interesting part of my night happened at Jax. I guess when you give Brian a lot to drink he says things you don't really think he ever really thought of before. Like for example....up until last night...I didn't think Brian was ever interested in me as more than a friend....until he said, "If you were a little kinkier in bed we could date and things would be great katie."
I couldn't believe it - it was unexpected and although I felt it was out of the blue - I find it flattering - albeit a little confusing but nonetheless - it became an awkward moment and it's fine now - no harm no foul. I just sat back and said inside my head, "I can't believe he said that!"
After our galavanting at Jax, we went to the house party, like I said, and sure enough - was definitely NOT warned at a certain someone would be there. You would think that when you're called by someone who is there that they would mention it to me - ESPECIALLY since he was the one that told her to tell me to come over. I KNOW - RIGHT?! How do you accidentally forget to tell someone that HE is there when HE was the one that told you in the first place. Exactly. I don't know either.
Nonetheless - everything was okay - he and I chatted for a little bit and he asked me what I was doing today - I told him - left it wide open for him to ask me to do something with him today - NOPE. Whatever. I really need to get over him and this situation! It is frustrating me to no end - as per previous entries - I am having dreams about my frustration and I am not too happy about that. It has been a long time since I've allowed a guy to affect my dreams the way he has. AND WE AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER nor were we! GRRRRRRRRRRR >:-{
whatevs - i am drowning - i have to find a way back up to the surface
The interesting part of my night happened at Jax. I guess when you give Brian a lot to drink he says things you don't really think he ever really thought of before. Like for example....up until last night...I didn't think Brian was ever interested in me as more than a friend....until he said, "If you were a little kinkier in bed we could date and things would be great katie."
I couldn't believe it - it was unexpected and although I felt it was out of the blue - I find it flattering - albeit a little confusing but nonetheless - it became an awkward moment and it's fine now - no harm no foul. I just sat back and said inside my head, "I can't believe he said that!"
After our galavanting at Jax, we went to the house party, like I said, and sure enough - was definitely NOT warned at a certain someone would be there. You would think that when you're called by someone who is there that they would mention it to me - ESPECIALLY since he was the one that told her to tell me to come over. I KNOW - RIGHT?! How do you accidentally forget to tell someone that HE is there when HE was the one that told you in the first place. Exactly. I don't know either.
Nonetheless - everything was okay - he and I chatted for a little bit and he asked me what I was doing today - I told him - left it wide open for him to ask me to do something with him today - NOPE. Whatever. I really need to get over him and this situation! It is frustrating me to no end - as per previous entries - I am having dreams about my frustration and I am not too happy about that. It has been a long time since I've allowed a guy to affect my dreams the way he has. AND WE AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER nor were we! GRRRRRRRRRRR >:-{
whatevs - i am drowning - i have to find a way back up to the surface
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Deja Vu all over again....
So, I had another vivid dream - this time - about things that have been on my mind for awhile now.....only, it seems to be REALLY bothering me - atleast that's what the dream interpretation says. And my horoscope today - sheesh - said this:
Dreams continue to be a big part of your life today, Katie. It is likely that you have been having some unusual ones lately, and you can't help but wonder about their significance. Why not go to the library and check out a book or two? You may be fascinated by what you discover. And remember: dream interpretation is an art, not a science. Do your research to get a general idea about the meanings of things rather than trying to do a direct interpretation. If you're really curious, seek out an expert.
So here's my dream:
I was at work - it was a relatively normal day wearing one of my typical outfits (btw, this was in color). Where I sit is in an office away from a lot of other main areas of the building - and for some reason - I walked back to my desk to find a bunch of Starbucks coffee cups sitting around with people's names on them - mine was sitting at my desk with my name and a heart underneath it. Then I see my desk facing in a different direction but also seeing a bunch of people sitting there looking at something on the internet. A guy I used to date (and also work with) was sitting in my seat. He currently works and did work at Starbucks (second job) which is where I assumed all the coffee came from - and the heart - well - he obviously wrote that on mine. So he next thing I know is this guy's best friend (who doesn't work with us) walks in and says, "Just friends huh?" - and the guy goes, "No, what - why do you think that?" The next thing I know - this other guy, who I had been seeing up until recently (who does work with us), comes up from behind me as I start to say "Well that's what his myspace says". Then he responds with "so YOURE the person who looked - I was wondering who checked out my page!" And I said, "only once...." but before I could finish my explanation - the "new" guy had his arm around me and was pulling me out of the office saying "Yeah, just once - now she has to go".
So we walk out of the office and I think it's rather unusual because A) we're at work and he NEVER shows me any kind of PDA when we're there (in fact most people don't know we had even been seeing each other) and B) I just assumed he didn't like me anymore because he hadn't talked to me since about two weeks before - so - yeah.
So anyway - we're walking out of the office and he has his arm around me and he starts whispering in my ear telling me and asking me things like "So you're checkin' up on him huh? You still like him? No you don't. I know you don't."...then he continues without me being able to answer - at this point hes directly behind me and is still whispering into my ear (very seductively) and continues with "Are you moving? You're not going to move. You still like me? I know you do - cause I can tell." And as hes doing this - he starts to put his arms around me and kind of pushes himself into the back of me (sorry for the vividness) - mind you our clothes are on and we're at work. the next thing I know - we're back to back and he flips me over (kind of like a dance move) - and I can see myself saying "Stop stop! What are you doing?" But the whole time he's doing that its happening in slow motion and I can't help but start crying because he's not listening to me. The effect that he is hoping for is playful but I don't like it because I have a skirt on and the flip makes it come up. The next thing I know he lets go and I have fully flipped and am now on the floor on my back with my skirt up around my face - trying to hard to pull it back down (still in slow motion and still crying) - no one seems to notice until just as I FINALLY am able to get up and run out the door and saying "why did you do that!?"
The next scene is me outside on the steps of what reminds me of a high school campus or the steps in front of a big library on a college campus. I am sitting there crying and my best friend from elementary school is there and she consoles me. And I find it funny because I haven't seen her in more than 10 years but for some reason she doesn't question it - she just accepts us as still friends and is there for me. She helps to calm me down. I introduce her to one of my new friends and sure enough - my new friend doesn't even ask me how I am because she is on the phone with HIM and I can hear her talking to him about the situation.
As I sit there for awhile I realize I need to go back into work and I am really embarrassed. All I can think is what do I do and can I forgive him for that? I soon find out that he was told to go home by his boss and that is how he was talking to my friend on the phone - he was driving home.
All I remember after that is how embarrassed I felt and whether I was going to do anything about it. And how hurt I felt that my new friend wasn't really there for me.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO
What does this all mean?
Well since the online interpretation doesn't really handle stuff like this - I kind of made my own conclusions about it:
So I believe that the reason I was dreaming about the guy I used to see was because just yesterday I noticed he became single again - and he was kind of on my mind. As far as the new guy being in my dream - he's been on my mind ALL week. I am really frustrated with him. I think the whole whisper and pda stuff is just an inside emotion telling me I wish he and I were more because I know how much I like him. With the whole him doing stuff to me and me not wanting him to do it - that's kind of unclear but as far as the whole slow motion thing - the internet guide said if you see things in slow motion signifies that i am presently going through a hard time and experiencing great stress in my waking life. (true). As far as seeing my oldest best friend - probably something that tells me real friends will be accepting no matter what - and I was looking for someone to comfort me without question or reasoning - just someone to be there and let me cry. As for the whole part where my new friend was talking to HIM instead of consoling me - I think it refers to the jealousy I have in regards to their friendship - he tells her things that I don't know - so - I get jealous and I feel like she would choose him over me.
I dont know - but I am DEFINITELY going to the book store to get this figured out!
Dreams continue to be a big part of your life today, Katie. It is likely that you have been having some unusual ones lately, and you can't help but wonder about their significance. Why not go to the library and check out a book or two? You may be fascinated by what you discover. And remember: dream interpretation is an art, not a science. Do your research to get a general idea about the meanings of things rather than trying to do a direct interpretation. If you're really curious, seek out an expert.
So here's my dream:
I was at work - it was a relatively normal day wearing one of my typical outfits (btw, this was in color). Where I sit is in an office away from a lot of other main areas of the building - and for some reason - I walked back to my desk to find a bunch of Starbucks coffee cups sitting around with people's names on them - mine was sitting at my desk with my name and a heart underneath it. Then I see my desk facing in a different direction but also seeing a bunch of people sitting there looking at something on the internet. A guy I used to date (and also work with) was sitting in my seat. He currently works and did work at Starbucks (second job) which is where I assumed all the coffee came from - and the heart - well - he obviously wrote that on mine. So he next thing I know is this guy's best friend (who doesn't work with us) walks in and says, "Just friends huh?" - and the guy goes, "No, what - why do you think that?" The next thing I know - this other guy, who I had been seeing up until recently (who does work with us), comes up from behind me as I start to say "Well that's what his myspace says". Then he responds with "so YOURE the person who looked - I was wondering who checked out my page!" And I said, "only once...." but before I could finish my explanation - the "new" guy had his arm around me and was pulling me out of the office saying "Yeah, just once - now she has to go".
So we walk out of the office and I think it's rather unusual because A) we're at work and he NEVER shows me any kind of PDA when we're there (in fact most people don't know we had even been seeing each other) and B) I just assumed he didn't like me anymore because he hadn't talked to me since about two weeks before - so - yeah.
So anyway - we're walking out of the office and he has his arm around me and he starts whispering in my ear telling me and asking me things like "So you're checkin' up on him huh? You still like him? No you don't. I know you don't."...then he continues without me being able to answer - at this point hes directly behind me and is still whispering into my ear (very seductively) and continues with "Are you moving? You're not going to move. You still like me? I know you do - cause I can tell." And as hes doing this - he starts to put his arms around me and kind of pushes himself into the back of me (sorry for the vividness) - mind you our clothes are on and we're at work. the next thing I know - we're back to back and he flips me over (kind of like a dance move) - and I can see myself saying "Stop stop! What are you doing?" But the whole time he's doing that its happening in slow motion and I can't help but start crying because he's not listening to me. The effect that he is hoping for is playful but I don't like it because I have a skirt on and the flip makes it come up. The next thing I know he lets go and I have fully flipped and am now on the floor on my back with my skirt up around my face - trying to hard to pull it back down (still in slow motion and still crying) - no one seems to notice until just as I FINALLY am able to get up and run out the door and saying "why did you do that!?"
The next scene is me outside on the steps of what reminds me of a high school campus or the steps in front of a big library on a college campus. I am sitting there crying and my best friend from elementary school is there and she consoles me. And I find it funny because I haven't seen her in more than 10 years but for some reason she doesn't question it - she just accepts us as still friends and is there for me. She helps to calm me down. I introduce her to one of my new friends and sure enough - my new friend doesn't even ask me how I am because she is on the phone with HIM and I can hear her talking to him about the situation.
As I sit there for awhile I realize I need to go back into work and I am really embarrassed. All I can think is what do I do and can I forgive him for that? I soon find out that he was told to go home by his boss and that is how he was talking to my friend on the phone - he was driving home.
All I remember after that is how embarrassed I felt and whether I was going to do anything about it. And how hurt I felt that my new friend wasn't really there for me.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO
What does this all mean?
Well since the online interpretation doesn't really handle stuff like this - I kind of made my own conclusions about it:
So I believe that the reason I was dreaming about the guy I used to see was because just yesterday I noticed he became single again - and he was kind of on my mind. As far as the new guy being in my dream - he's been on my mind ALL week. I am really frustrated with him. I think the whole whisper and pda stuff is just an inside emotion telling me I wish he and I were more because I know how much I like him. With the whole him doing stuff to me and me not wanting him to do it - that's kind of unclear but as far as the whole slow motion thing - the internet guide said if you see things in slow motion signifies that i am presently going through a hard time and experiencing great stress in my waking life. (true). As far as seeing my oldest best friend - probably something that tells me real friends will be accepting no matter what - and I was looking for someone to comfort me without question or reasoning - just someone to be there and let me cry. As for the whole part where my new friend was talking to HIM instead of consoling me - I think it refers to the jealousy I have in regards to their friendship - he tells her things that I don't know - so - I get jealous and I feel like she would choose him over me.
I dont know - but I am DEFINITELY going to the book store to get this figured out!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Do you eat sleep do you breathe me...anymore??
Do you count sheep anymore? Do you sleep anymore?
I just thought this was appropriate because of late, I have been having reall weird dreams.
Two nights ago - I had a vivid dream that I was back at Albright (my first College) but not as a student, as myself now - and visiting my old dorm room. The dorm that I lived in happened to be the ONLY all girls dorm on campus and we lived in the room at the end of the hall (closest to the bathroom) on the third floor.
During my visit back - I vividly remember going into Walton Hall and making my way up the familiar stairwell - only now it was like a stairway out of some kind of creepy movie - like one of those really big square staircases - you know what I'm talking about? That part of the dream was in black and white. As I made my way up to the fourth floor (for some reason I had to go up four floors in my dream to get to the third floor) I went through the hallway door and found myself standing in a hallway with a lot of kids, both male and female, running around the hallway and in and out of rooms. Weird. I didn't know they had made the dorm coed (as even to this day I am pretty sure the dorm is still the only all girls dorm on campus). Nonetheless, I went to walk to my old room and noticed the sign next to the door reading 260 - as in room 260 - but I was on the third, er, fourth floor? The next thing I knew someone was asking me what I was doing there and I explained I was an alumni just visiting my old dorm - telling them it was weird seeing guys in the hallway because when I went there it was all girls. The next thing I knew some guy was up in my face and arguing with me that I was wrong and telling me that I didn't know what I was talking about. I argued back and told him that I was right.
Then - my alarm went off - and I was awake.
The dream I had last night was even weirder. I dreamt I was in a hotel room somewhere with a few of my friends and (oddly) Perez Hilton was with us. Whatever happened - the situation escalated into a yelling match and somehow or other I pushed Perez off the top of the balcony and watched him plummit several stories to his death. Morbid I know - but after the fact all I could remember from the dream was telling my friends that they had to say they didn't know what happened and we started making stories up as to where we couldve been. Yes, I dreamt about murdering someone - and a famous/quasifamous person at that.
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!?
I have never dreamt about things like this before - especially the murder stuff - what is wrong with me? Am I derranged?
So - I did what I normally do - I started analysis of both.
Turns out - the dream about the murder or killing means something that really does seem to make sense to me. The internet guide to dreams interprets my second dream as meaning:
Killing
To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.
Murder
To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction. Alternatively,? you may have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at others. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.
Both of these seem to make some sense to me - considering lately I have been feeling both of these kinds of emotions - alternatively - I think that the heavy stress and anger toward myself are pretty spot on.
As far as my first dream goes - the online guide said:
Yelling
To dream that you or someone is yelling, represents repressed anger that need to be expressed. If you are yelling and no one hears, then it suggests that you are not being heard. You feel that your voice does not matter.
YEP! EXACTLY! - to whom and what?
Maybe I should just take a kickboxing class or something. ::shrugs::
I just thought this was appropriate because of late, I have been having reall weird dreams.
Two nights ago - I had a vivid dream that I was back at Albright (my first College) but not as a student, as myself now - and visiting my old dorm room. The dorm that I lived in happened to be the ONLY all girls dorm on campus and we lived in the room at the end of the hall (closest to the bathroom) on the third floor.
During my visit back - I vividly remember going into Walton Hall and making my way up the familiar stairwell - only now it was like a stairway out of some kind of creepy movie - like one of those really big square staircases - you know what I'm talking about? That part of the dream was in black and white. As I made my way up to the fourth floor (for some reason I had to go up four floors in my dream to get to the third floor) I went through the hallway door and found myself standing in a hallway with a lot of kids, both male and female, running around the hallway and in and out of rooms. Weird. I didn't know they had made the dorm coed (as even to this day I am pretty sure the dorm is still the only all girls dorm on campus). Nonetheless, I went to walk to my old room and noticed the sign next to the door reading 260 - as in room 260 - but I was on the third, er, fourth floor? The next thing I knew someone was asking me what I was doing there and I explained I was an alumni just visiting my old dorm - telling them it was weird seeing guys in the hallway because when I went there it was all girls. The next thing I knew some guy was up in my face and arguing with me that I was wrong and telling me that I didn't know what I was talking about. I argued back and told him that I was right.
Then - my alarm went off - and I was awake.
The dream I had last night was even weirder. I dreamt I was in a hotel room somewhere with a few of my friends and (oddly) Perez Hilton was with us. Whatever happened - the situation escalated into a yelling match and somehow or other I pushed Perez off the top of the balcony and watched him plummit several stories to his death. Morbid I know - but after the fact all I could remember from the dream was telling my friends that they had to say they didn't know what happened and we started making stories up as to where we couldve been. Yes, I dreamt about murdering someone - and a famous/quasifamous person at that.
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!?
I have never dreamt about things like this before - especially the murder stuff - what is wrong with me? Am I derranged?
So - I did what I normally do - I started analysis of both.
Turns out - the dream about the murder or killing means something that really does seem to make sense to me. The internet guide to dreams interprets my second dream as meaning:
Killing
To dream that you killed someone, forewarns that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Identity the characteristics of the person that you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards this person in your waking life. You may be expressing some rage or hatred toward this person.
Murder
To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction. Alternatively,? you may have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at others. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.
Both of these seem to make some sense to me - considering lately I have been feeling both of these kinds of emotions - alternatively - I think that the heavy stress and anger toward myself are pretty spot on.
As far as my first dream goes - the online guide said:
Yelling
To dream that you or someone is yelling, represents repressed anger that need to be expressed. If you are yelling and no one hears, then it suggests that you are not being heard. You feel that your voice does not matter.
YEP! EXACTLY! - to whom and what?
Maybe I should just take a kickboxing class or something. ::shrugs::
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Everything Changes
Every girl in class had a crush on him. He was the boy that wasn't just smart but an athlete - and to top it all off - he was the cutest boy in their class, no, on the Green Team.
Paul was the tallest boy in class, he was a fast grower and all the better for him too because he was the quarterback for his age group in his local football organization. The same organization that she cheered for, which meant she got to see him on the weekends too. Only problem was, there were a few other girls in class that cheered for that same organization AND were on her team.
She doesn't entirely remember how but there was some way Paul knew she had a crush on him. Either way, he was still really nice to her and still asked her for help - because even though he knew he was smart, he knew she was smarter. They helped each other in science a lot.
In sixth grade, middle school, everything changes. You start to change classrooms and teachers for subjects. Because she was on the Green Team, there were only two teachers. Most of the other teams, except for one, had three teachers. Still, that meant there were other kids in her classes that didn't stay all day. On top of which, her special classes like gym and music had even more kids that weren't on her team in them.
It was at these moments that the crush she had on Paul would dissipate and she realized she liked more than one boy. Paul would still be the main crush but several other crushes lied within boys like Matt (her fifth grade friend), Matt F (the boy that made fun of her all the time), and Derek (the boy who would become - to this date - her biggest crush and eventually her first love). But at that point in her life, none of them seemed to resonate as much as Paul did. The all american boy.
Paul was the tallest boy in class, he was a fast grower and all the better for him too because he was the quarterback for his age group in his local football organization. The same organization that she cheered for, which meant she got to see him on the weekends too. Only problem was, there were a few other girls in class that cheered for that same organization AND were on her team.
She doesn't entirely remember how but there was some way Paul knew she had a crush on him. Either way, he was still really nice to her and still asked her for help - because even though he knew he was smart, he knew she was smarter. They helped each other in science a lot.
In sixth grade, middle school, everything changes. You start to change classrooms and teachers for subjects. Because she was on the Green Team, there were only two teachers. Most of the other teams, except for one, had three teachers. Still, that meant there were other kids in her classes that didn't stay all day. On top of which, her special classes like gym and music had even more kids that weren't on her team in them.
It was at these moments that the crush she had on Paul would dissipate and she realized she liked more than one boy. Paul would still be the main crush but several other crushes lied within boys like Matt (her fifth grade friend), Matt F (the boy that made fun of her all the time), and Derek (the boy who would become - to this date - her biggest crush and eventually her first love). But at that point in her life, none of them seemed to resonate as much as Paul did. The all american boy.
He called her what?.....
She knew it was going to be a good year. She had spent the summer before fifth grade playing and doing the normal things she had done with her friends since she was 5 except this year she went to school a week early. No, not because she was trying to get a head start on learning. She wasn't that much of a nerd. She went in every day in the morning for a few hours so she could help some of the teachers get their classrooms situated and maybe even meet her new teacher - to get a better idea of what she could expect for the upcoming school year.
Ms. M Hoffmann would be her teacher this year (said like that because there was a Ms. E Hoffman, of no relation - but the name plates outside the door were written as such).
As it turned out, Ms. M Hoffmann had already set up her classroom so she went ahead and helped some of her other favorite teachers that she knew from older friends and her sister.
The school year started the same as any other - but this year she was determined to strive to be the best student in class. Unfortunately a couple of new textbooks were really difficult for her and the rest of the class to understand - so there were several curves on history exams. This was fine with her because she didn't really care much for tests anyway. It was the learning and class participation that she strived for. It was in those moments that she shined and was noticed, as she so often thought he would notice her. Turns out, it wasn't in just those moments that he noticed her, it was all the time.
His name was Matt and she had the BIGGEST crush on him. It was her biggest one to date and she certainly couldn't help but stare at him occasionally. Every so often she would catch him doing the same to her - and he would quickly look down at his paper and pretend to be reading or talk to his deskmate, John.
Matt was, in her opinion, one of the cutest kids in class. He was shy and quiet and even though they rarely had any kind of contact or interaction, she liked him. No need for explanations in fifth grade. You just like people.
The desks in Ms. M Hoffmann's room were situated in pairs on the two outside rows and threes in the middle row - with four rows of each, making 28 kids to the class. She sat on the end of a group of three, third row back. He sat one row in front of her to the right and on the end closest to her. And although the seating arrangements changed every so often, this was the arrangement that was easiest for her to see him whenever she wanted. What she hadn't planned on was being able to see John too - and inadvertently, having a crush on him too.
The day came that she let some of her friends in class know that she liked Matt but somehow it ended up being said to John instead and because of that, John - it turned out - liked her too. When her friends came back to her and asked her if she would want to "go out" with John (which in fifth grade means you call that person your girlfriend or boyfriend and you talk to each other at recess and thats about it), she immediately reacted and said yes. This would be her first boyfriend. A boyfriend! she thought to herself. But then, as her friends had already left her and walked away, she realized - no - I don't like him. I like Matt. What is wrong with me? So, when her friends came back - and she was "going out" with John, she told her friends and set them straight. They went and told John the change and when they came back to her they told her, "Yeah we told him. He said you're a bitch".
He called her what? How old were they?....all of 10 and 11?! He called her a bitch. She had never been called that before. And even though she knew what the word was and knew how it was meant to be used, she just couldn't believe someone would think that about her. All the while, she still liked Matt but because of the entire situation, she felt it was just better to cool it with the boys and kept her crushes to herself from that point on. And her crush on Matt would remain a crush - and kept in secrecy for no one to know.
Ms. M Hoffmann would be her teacher this year (said like that because there was a Ms. E Hoffman, of no relation - but the name plates outside the door were written as such).
As it turned out, Ms. M Hoffmann had already set up her classroom so she went ahead and helped some of her other favorite teachers that she knew from older friends and her sister.
The school year started the same as any other - but this year she was determined to strive to be the best student in class. Unfortunately a couple of new textbooks were really difficult for her and the rest of the class to understand - so there were several curves on history exams. This was fine with her because she didn't really care much for tests anyway. It was the learning and class participation that she strived for. It was in those moments that she shined and was noticed, as she so often thought he would notice her. Turns out, it wasn't in just those moments that he noticed her, it was all the time.
His name was Matt and she had the BIGGEST crush on him. It was her biggest one to date and she certainly couldn't help but stare at him occasionally. Every so often she would catch him doing the same to her - and he would quickly look down at his paper and pretend to be reading or talk to his deskmate, John.
Matt was, in her opinion, one of the cutest kids in class. He was shy and quiet and even though they rarely had any kind of contact or interaction, she liked him. No need for explanations in fifth grade. You just like people.
The desks in Ms. M Hoffmann's room were situated in pairs on the two outside rows and threes in the middle row - with four rows of each, making 28 kids to the class. She sat on the end of a group of three, third row back. He sat one row in front of her to the right and on the end closest to her. And although the seating arrangements changed every so often, this was the arrangement that was easiest for her to see him whenever she wanted. What she hadn't planned on was being able to see John too - and inadvertently, having a crush on him too.
The day came that she let some of her friends in class know that she liked Matt but somehow it ended up being said to John instead and because of that, John - it turned out - liked her too. When her friends came back to her and asked her if she would want to "go out" with John (which in fifth grade means you call that person your girlfriend or boyfriend and you talk to each other at recess and thats about it), she immediately reacted and said yes. This would be her first boyfriend. A boyfriend! she thought to herself. But then, as her friends had already left her and walked away, she realized - no - I don't like him. I like Matt. What is wrong with me? So, when her friends came back - and she was "going out" with John, she told her friends and set them straight. They went and told John the change and when they came back to her they told her, "Yeah we told him. He said you're a bitch".
He called her what? How old were they?....all of 10 and 11?! He called her a bitch. She had never been called that before. And even though she knew what the word was and knew how it was meant to be used, she just couldn't believe someone would think that about her. All the while, she still liked Matt but because of the entire situation, she felt it was just better to cool it with the boys and kept her crushes to herself from that point on. And her crush on Matt would remain a crush - and kept in secrecy for no one to know.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Daily Affirmations
Miss Pieffer was big on her students being kind to each other. She was the kind of teacher that was thoughtful and relatively new to teaching. Obviously, young enough to still know how cruel kids in the fourth grade can be to each other. It was because of Miss Pieffer that she realized that boys would have crushes on her too.
She knew from the first day of school that she was going to like him. Jimmy. She knew Jimmy's older sister from cheerleading and because of that - they always had something to talk about. He was about her height and not exactly the smartest kid in class but he liked her and she knew it. She always thought of him as a friend because she really had her eye on Dwayne.
Dwayne was a football player - only - not for the team that she cheered for. He played for the bears, she cheered for the cross town rival, the spartans. When they gave out their pictures that were in the form of trading cards, she asked him for one and he gave her one. As soon as she got home it was quickly affixed aside her bed with a penned heart with purple ink. She could look at it any time she wanted to. However, she knew it would always be a distant crush because despite knowing that he was nice enough to give the picture to her, that's as far as his kindness extended. He didn't like her back.
Secretly she hoped he would but knew that the daily affirmations she received were from Jimmy. She could tell by the handwriting.
Daily affirmations were more of a weekly project but it was required that everyone in Miss Pieffer's class accomplish at least three of them a day. You had to do them. All three had to be to different people but you could always give one a day to the same person. And at the end of the week - you looked through your handmade personal "mailbox" to see what kind notes your classmates had left you - entirely anonymous - that is - unless you knew what their handwriting looked like:-).
She knew what Jimmy's handwriting looked like - and he knew what hers looked like. I guess that's why they both ended up being such good friends. Afterall, it was only fourth grade - but it was then that she realized - I guess these crushes aren't always one-sided.
He moved away after fifth grade - to somewhere in New Jersey. And she would reconnect with him sometime in high school when he finally confessed to her what she already knew - he had had the biggest crush on her and just never thought he could tell her. It was, after all, fourth grade. You don't meet your soulmate when you're 9, right?
She knew from the first day of school that she was going to like him. Jimmy. She knew Jimmy's older sister from cheerleading and because of that - they always had something to talk about. He was about her height and not exactly the smartest kid in class but he liked her and she knew it. She always thought of him as a friend because she really had her eye on Dwayne.
Dwayne was a football player - only - not for the team that she cheered for. He played for the bears, she cheered for the cross town rival, the spartans. When they gave out their pictures that were in the form of trading cards, she asked him for one and he gave her one. As soon as she got home it was quickly affixed aside her bed with a penned heart with purple ink. She could look at it any time she wanted to. However, she knew it would always be a distant crush because despite knowing that he was nice enough to give the picture to her, that's as far as his kindness extended. He didn't like her back.
Secretly she hoped he would but knew that the daily affirmations she received were from Jimmy. She could tell by the handwriting.
Daily affirmations were more of a weekly project but it was required that everyone in Miss Pieffer's class accomplish at least three of them a day. You had to do them. All three had to be to different people but you could always give one a day to the same person. And at the end of the week - you looked through your handmade personal "mailbox" to see what kind notes your classmates had left you - entirely anonymous - that is - unless you knew what their handwriting looked like:-).
She knew what Jimmy's handwriting looked like - and he knew what hers looked like. I guess that's why they both ended up being such good friends. Afterall, it was only fourth grade - but it was then that she realized - I guess these crushes aren't always one-sided.
He moved away after fifth grade - to somewhere in New Jersey. And she would reconnect with him sometime in high school when he finally confessed to her what she already knew - he had had the biggest crush on her and just never thought he could tell her. It was, after all, fourth grade. You don't meet your soulmate when you're 9, right?
Freckles
People were starting to realize that she was one of the smartest girls in their grade. She was always the one to help out other kids who were struggling and the teacher always seemed to call on her to read outloud in class. She decided to focus more on that than the fact that she had a major crush on Brian.
Completely the opposite of her first and second grade crushes, while Brian was gangly, he wasn't exactly tall but had the exact stature a third grader would have. On top of which, the brownishred hair with brown eyes and freckles put him the name category as her, irish american with a great smile that said - I am fun and cute. Again, not quite the stature of a geeky kid and maybe she picked him on purpose. He was out of reach and therefore looking was the only activity she had when it came to him. Honestly, how much more do get in third grade?
Sure, they worked in groups on things and sure he knew who she was - but conversation were minimal and after he found out there was a majority of girls invited to her birthday party (also that he had a baseball game that day), he didn't go. Only he wasn't like Drew - he didn't give her a present anyway - which made her realize that Drew really did like her back (unless it has something to do with the fact that their mom's were friends through the local women's organization). Either way - he was not like the rest of them. She knew he wouldn't be a friend the way 2nd grade Drew would be. Out of reach, out of touch, and out of her sphere of friends. But those freckles got her every time. Every time.
Completely the opposite of her first and second grade crushes, while Brian was gangly, he wasn't exactly tall but had the exact stature a third grader would have. On top of which, the brownishred hair with brown eyes and freckles put him the name category as her, irish american with a great smile that said - I am fun and cute. Again, not quite the stature of a geeky kid and maybe she picked him on purpose. He was out of reach and therefore looking was the only activity she had when it came to him. Honestly, how much more do get in third grade?
Sure, they worked in groups on things and sure he knew who she was - but conversation were minimal and after he found out there was a majority of girls invited to her birthday party (also that he had a baseball game that day), he didn't go. Only he wasn't like Drew - he didn't give her a present anyway - which made her realize that Drew really did like her back (unless it has something to do with the fact that their mom's were friends through the local women's organization). Either way - he was not like the rest of them. She knew he wouldn't be a friend the way 2nd grade Drew would be. Out of reach, out of touch, and out of her sphere of friends. But those freckles got her every time. Every time.
The Same Only Different
As is the case in most grade school crushes - it depends on who is in your class. It isn't until middle school that you switch classmates on a regular basis. And it just so happens his name was the same as the crush from first grade - only it was an entirely different Drew.
This Drew was shorter, still blonde haired/blue eyed, but shorter and without glasses. In fact, he was pretty much the class jock - but he was smart - and slightly inclined to be geeky - but she was the only one who knew that.
They weren't just classmates in Mrs. Peters class but also at CCD - the beginnings of what would become their catholic learning process (for kids who didn't go to catholic school).
All she remembers about him is that this is when their friendship started - and although she would always have a crush on him - she knew he was always out of her league. It was when she realized she wasn't the pretty girl in class. She was the girl the boys liked to play baseball with - not the ones they wanted to kiss.
This Drew was shorter, still blonde haired/blue eyed, but shorter and without glasses. In fact, he was pretty much the class jock - but he was smart - and slightly inclined to be geeky - but she was the only one who knew that.
They weren't just classmates in Mrs. Peters class but also at CCD - the beginnings of what would become their catholic learning process (for kids who didn't go to catholic school).
All she remembers about him is that this is when their friendship started - and although she would always have a crush on him - she knew he was always out of her league. It was when she realized she wasn't the pretty girl in class. She was the girl the boys liked to play baseball with - not the ones they wanted to kiss.
Personalized Cork Boards
His name was Andrew but everyone called him Drew. He had the distinguishing characteristic of being the tallest kid in First Grade and not only that, also happened to be the perfect example of what a nerd would be. Tall, gangly, blonde hair, blue eyes that were covered with glasses that had big brown frames. When he smiled, two big front teeth were at the forefront of what had grown in after his first two experiences with the tooth fairy.
She knew from the first time she met him that she thought he was cute. For whatever reason her first encounter of being attracted to the slightly geeky boy in class ended up being the case for every guy she was involved with later on in life.
Drew was smart and athletic. Two main reasons she liked him. He was nice to the kids in class and was friends with everyone.....well, everyone that mattered in first grade (you know, the kids that have the best lunches or snacks, or the ones who always play games at recess). Drew was the one she wanted to be around all the time. But, being a girl, she never got to play with the boys at recess - even if that's what she did when she was at home because all of her neighbors were boys.
The best part about Drew is that he liked her too....atleast she thought he did. He smiled at her. That was always good. How much more do you get in first grade, right? He even gave her a present for her birthday even though he couldn't make it to her party. A personalized cork board that he wrote her name on himself. She had it displayed on the door to her room until she was in high school - until she realized she hadn't heard or seen him since he moved away from the school district in 7th grade.
She never forgot him and likes to think that he never forgot her but she'll never forget her presnt or the way he made her feel when he smiled at her.
----------
If only life were this simple anymore.
She knew from the first time she met him that she thought he was cute. For whatever reason her first encounter of being attracted to the slightly geeky boy in class ended up being the case for every guy she was involved with later on in life.
Drew was smart and athletic. Two main reasons she liked him. He was nice to the kids in class and was friends with everyone.....well, everyone that mattered in first grade (you know, the kids that have the best lunches or snacks, or the ones who always play games at recess). Drew was the one she wanted to be around all the time. But, being a girl, she never got to play with the boys at recess - even if that's what she did when she was at home because all of her neighbors were boys.
The best part about Drew is that he liked her too....atleast she thought he did. He smiled at her. That was always good. How much more do you get in first grade, right? He even gave her a present for her birthday even though he couldn't make it to her party. A personalized cork board that he wrote her name on himself. She had it displayed on the door to her room until she was in high school - until she realized she hadn't heard or seen him since he moved away from the school district in 7th grade.
She never forgot him and likes to think that he never forgot her but she'll never forget her presnt or the way he made her feel when he smiled at her.
----------
If only life were this simple anymore.
Starting Over
I had a blog - but it was erased by accident - which is fine - it gives me an excuse to write about what I really want to write about - me.
Turns out - for as many friends and the few close friends I have - most of them don't always know what to say to me and even beyond that, can't relate to my experiences. More often than not, I am the one that they come to for comfort and compassion. I have no problem with that. The main thing here is that I get the opportunity to express myself without having to worry about others judging me. I love my friends and know that the real ones wouldn't do that, but like I said, most of them can't seem to relate to my experiences. Plus, most of them (as awful as this sounds) don't listen or if they do, they never seem to care much about me. The ones that do are my closest friends but it always seems like they have other things going on in their life to the point in which no matter what I say or how I tell them, it never seems pressing for them to actually worry about me.
Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe because I put up such a good facade that I am okay - they all believe it. There's a saying somewhere that goes along the lines of "Real friends will know something is wrong even if you're putting on your best face to hide it". I have maybe one or two friends that know when I am like this. They can just tell the minute they start talking to me. It's in the "hi" and the tone of my voice. They just know. I'm really good at spotting this with other people - but for some reason, I guess I've gotten really good at hiding who I am and what I'm feeling.
Speaking of feelings. Today is not exactly a great day. I didn't work out last night - I ate like a pig. I feel completely tired and drained despite getting the most sleep in one evening all week. I guess it was too much. I watched 'Good Luck Chuck' last night. Not exactly a cinematic masterpiece but I enjoyed it. The main female character (played by Jessica Alba) works with and is obsessed with Penguins! Perfect movie for me. And of course, Dane Cook is the male lead - so really - the best of both worlds for me. I'll spare the details of the movie but let's just say it hit home big time. Not necessarily in the male character's disposition but in wanting to find that special someone.
I have been single (meaning no intense or serious relationships) for almost five years (Feb 12th this year). Now, that being said, I guess in a way I am kind of itching for that special someone. It's only natural. I'm kind of at the age where people start to meet someone that they think will be their special someone but I have resolved myself into believing that I am okay being single. Part of me is, most of me isn't. I am officially over my ex - the one that broke my heart. I have found myself again but am still learning about the strength that I have and the situations that I can deal with. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life and although I am only 26, I definitely feel like I have a lifetime of experiences - with the hopes of many more. However, at this point in time, I'd like some of those experiences to be with someone else too. I love sharing my life with people and I miss companiionship and love. I do. I truly miss being in love with someone. Lately, I have been seeing or whatever you want to call it with a guy that I really like. I don't think he's the one - I'm pretty sure I'm just kind of a convenience. In a way, he's a convenience for me too. I get physical and some emotional attention from him. Not nearly enough for what I am looking for - but then - he's pretty shy and isn't that experienced with women. (for some reason I always seem to find guys who are either emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable - I have problems)
Taking the above paragraph into consideration - I read something this morning from a fellow blogger who happens to be friends with a close friend of mine. It kind of hit home. I thought I'd share:
(in no way are any of the following words mine - but I definitely can relate)
I can honestly say that I have had some foul experiences when it comes to
relationships. Some really bad ones with some really bad outcomes. But there
was a lot of good that did come out of those relationships and that comes out of
any relationship that ends up not working out. You learn more about yourself,
more about what you believe and stand for, and you learn more about what is
important in the course of making yourself happy. I have learned a lot from
those experiences and I feel that those experiences have made me more aware of
what is important in my own life and what I would be looking for in someone
else.
Here is my whole attitude when it comes to dating. You might find someone
attractive at the bar. Honestly, its probably not going to work out. The bar
is an easy place to hide who you truly are behind nice clothes, little self prep
work, and of course alcohol. How can you honestly find someone that you are
going to be compatible with when you meet them in a loud, smoky, crowded
environment, on top of the fact that you are probably drunk! I don't get it. I'm not
saying don't go out to the bar, just don't expect anything quality out of it.
Really the person that you are going to find is probably going to be one of many
things. A person you met through classes when you weren't looking your best nor
in the best attitude. A person that has become your close friend and has
blended the boundaries between friend and "more than a friend". A person that
you bumped into in passing at one point in time and you were lit up by not only
their appearance but by the warmth you felt with their smile. Also, that person
that you lived down the hall from all year and didn't have enough guts to have
more than a superficial conversation with. This is where this all stems from.
You can't find love by looking for it. I take that back, you can create a false
sense of it and find that, but you truly can't find the truth and purity
associated with having love find you. Its not about forcing a connection, its about creating an experience. Its not about sitting back, it is about
taking risks and finding out the truth when you truly have feelings for someone
else. Honest and sincere feelings that fully eclipse the instant physical
attraction that you might have with someone. Its not about taking advantage of
the time you have with a person, it is merely being thankful for the time that
you have spent with that person.
----------
All that being said - I think I'm doing alright, even if I am having a shitty day.
Turns out - for as many friends and the few close friends I have - most of them don't always know what to say to me and even beyond that, can't relate to my experiences. More often than not, I am the one that they come to for comfort and compassion. I have no problem with that. The main thing here is that I get the opportunity to express myself without having to worry about others judging me. I love my friends and know that the real ones wouldn't do that, but like I said, most of them can't seem to relate to my experiences. Plus, most of them (as awful as this sounds) don't listen or if they do, they never seem to care much about me. The ones that do are my closest friends but it always seems like they have other things going on in their life to the point in which no matter what I say or how I tell them, it never seems pressing for them to actually worry about me.
Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe because I put up such a good facade that I am okay - they all believe it. There's a saying somewhere that goes along the lines of "Real friends will know something is wrong even if you're putting on your best face to hide it". I have maybe one or two friends that know when I am like this. They can just tell the minute they start talking to me. It's in the "hi" and the tone of my voice. They just know. I'm really good at spotting this with other people - but for some reason, I guess I've gotten really good at hiding who I am and what I'm feeling.
Speaking of feelings. Today is not exactly a great day. I didn't work out last night - I ate like a pig. I feel completely tired and drained despite getting the most sleep in one evening all week. I guess it was too much. I watched 'Good Luck Chuck' last night. Not exactly a cinematic masterpiece but I enjoyed it. The main female character (played by Jessica Alba) works with and is obsessed with Penguins! Perfect movie for me. And of course, Dane Cook is the male lead - so really - the best of both worlds for me. I'll spare the details of the movie but let's just say it hit home big time. Not necessarily in the male character's disposition but in wanting to find that special someone.
I have been single (meaning no intense or serious relationships) for almost five years (Feb 12th this year). Now, that being said, I guess in a way I am kind of itching for that special someone. It's only natural. I'm kind of at the age where people start to meet someone that they think will be their special someone but I have resolved myself into believing that I am okay being single. Part of me is, most of me isn't. I am officially over my ex - the one that broke my heart. I have found myself again but am still learning about the strength that I have and the situations that I can deal with. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life and although I am only 26, I definitely feel like I have a lifetime of experiences - with the hopes of many more. However, at this point in time, I'd like some of those experiences to be with someone else too. I love sharing my life with people and I miss companiionship and love. I do. I truly miss being in love with someone. Lately, I have been seeing or whatever you want to call it with a guy that I really like. I don't think he's the one - I'm pretty sure I'm just kind of a convenience. In a way, he's a convenience for me too. I get physical and some emotional attention from him. Not nearly enough for what I am looking for - but then - he's pretty shy and isn't that experienced with women. (for some reason I always seem to find guys who are either emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable - I have problems)
Taking the above paragraph into consideration - I read something this morning from a fellow blogger who happens to be friends with a close friend of mine. It kind of hit home. I thought I'd share:
(in no way are any of the following words mine - but I definitely can relate)
I can honestly say that I have had some foul experiences when it comes to
relationships. Some really bad ones with some really bad outcomes. But there
was a lot of good that did come out of those relationships and that comes out of
any relationship that ends up not working out. You learn more about yourself,
more about what you believe and stand for, and you learn more about what is
important in the course of making yourself happy. I have learned a lot from
those experiences and I feel that those experiences have made me more aware of
what is important in my own life and what I would be looking for in someone
else.
Here is my whole attitude when it comes to dating. You might find someone
attractive at the bar. Honestly, its probably not going to work out. The bar
is an easy place to hide who you truly are behind nice clothes, little self prep
work, and of course alcohol. How can you honestly find someone that you are
going to be compatible with when you meet them in a loud, smoky, crowded
environment, on top of the fact that you are probably drunk! I don't get it. I'm not
saying don't go out to the bar, just don't expect anything quality out of it.
Really the person that you are going to find is probably going to be one of many
things. A person you met through classes when you weren't looking your best nor
in the best attitude. A person that has become your close friend and has
blended the boundaries between friend and "more than a friend". A person that
you bumped into in passing at one point in time and you were lit up by not only
their appearance but by the warmth you felt with their smile. Also, that person
that you lived down the hall from all year and didn't have enough guts to have
more than a superficial conversation with. This is where this all stems from.
You can't find love by looking for it. I take that back, you can create a false
sense of it and find that, but you truly can't find the truth and purity
associated with having love find you. Its not about forcing a connection, its about creating an experience. Its not about sitting back, it is about
taking risks and finding out the truth when you truly have feelings for someone
else. Honest and sincere feelings that fully eclipse the instant physical
attraction that you might have with someone. Its not about taking advantage of
the time you have with a person, it is merely being thankful for the time that
you have spent with that person.
----------
All that being said - I think I'm doing alright, even if I am having a shitty day.
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