They yester, and I’m today....

Seriously diggin' the new Lupe Fiasco Album. If you haven't heard of him or it - check it out. Lasers by Lupe Fiasco. He's pretty awesome.

And now for something completely different.....(anyone? bueller?) Please tell me SOMEONE knows the phrase and/or spinoff show.....

Guess I'm just a Monty Python nerd then :-)

So I ran the Phillies 5k yesterday! OMG it was awesomesauce! I totally PRed with a 23:37. Just over 7 and a half minute miles. I can't believe how fast I was running - that's fast for me atleast. A few pictures:
















My Results:
KATIE FITZGERALD Overall: 165/3000 Official Time:23:39  Pace:7:37    Age Division Place(20-29):15/594   Sex Division Place: 30/1410  F

Needless to say, I'm pretty pleased with the race! I PRed and I felt great. Only bad part about yesterday was the allergy attack I had immediately following the race. No joke - sneeze-o-mania! Thankfully I was able to go to the drug store and get some Allegra. It has since helped!

I went to a house warming party last night for Jack's and Mark! Fun times as always :-) No rock band was broken out (hehe)...maybe next time! lol :-)

Today I got up (I got a sub for my spin class) and ran 7.6 miles. I felt GREAT! It's COOOOLD out there and I should remember to wear vasoline on my face from now on when I run outside but other than that - I felt so great! About 1 month til Broad Street. Here's hoping it's another PR!

I should really be doing homework right now but I'm heading out shortly to meet up with one of my swimmers' parents for an end of the season recap. It'll be nice to see her and see how her daughter is doing with track so far.

Other than that - another busy week ahead. We have THREE lacrosse games this week - ALL AWAY - ugh. I'm trying to arrange a happy hour/hang out with the coaches after the game on Friday since we'll all already be together. Hopefully that can work out.

Lots of things coming down the pike - two research papers, a presentation, getting student teaching together, finding a summer job, more running, more reading, more researching, more coaching, etc. Who has time for a social life? ha - not me - oh that's good cause I don't have one anyway :-)

Alrighty - time to go get ready. Ciao!

Do not worry.....

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:25-34

I often think of this bible passage when things start to get a bit anxious or hectic for me. I thought last week my troubles were quelled - little did I realize a few things:

1. The Student Teaching deadline for certain schools is earlier than some - Lower Merion is one of them. I need to get my information in before April 1. Yes, that's two weeks away - but - I'd like to have a teacher lined up for it so I don't have to worry about possibly not coaching next year. That - would seriously be devastating for me. I actually am even considering putting off student teaching for a semester if I can't get placed at Lower Merion simply because I want to keep coaching there. Yes, that means my life takes a backseat but then you understand how important coaching this team and these girls are to me.

2. I worry that I'm not doing a good job with coaching lacrosse. Nothing has been brought to my attention about it and the head coach hasn't said anything to make me think this - I'm just preemptively worrying. I know, I know - silly. But you know me, I like to be good at everything I do!

3. Money - it's always a big factor and a high anxiety topic for me. I don't have much. I want to move out. I'm looking for a summer job that helps me to do this - but then, if I can't student teach - I'll have to find a regular job that still allows me to coach. SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! I also have to figure out how I'm going to pay for student teaching (isn't that a rip-off? you have to pay to student teach? lame). I've been thinking about talking to my Aunt Kim and seeing if she'll give me the money that she's leaving me for inheritance, early, so that I can pay for it. I don't think it's totally implausible since she was giving Kelly money for grad school.

I suppose the biggest thing on my mind right now is the student teaching thing. I already have an email out to a teacher and hopefully she can help point me in the right direction. I just really want things to finally work out for me. I suppose the anxiety is my own fault since I should've probably looked at the deadline sooner and had this thing wrapped up. I'd like to be able to bring my student teaching papers in this week so I don't have to scramble at the last minute. God, I'm a mess.

Falling off the 'wagon'

The proverbial wagon that is.

No, I do not have a drinking problem - so I'm not talking in the sense that I started drinking again (as if I were an alcoholic - besides, they go to meetings! haha just kidding - it's not funny and if you happen to have a friend or relative that is, it's a serious problem....but I digress).

Here I was all set to do this 30 day challenge and I've been seriously slacking on my duties. I would love to tell you that I'm going to update them all in this particular post but I'm going to talk about something else.

The subject doesn't just refer to my tardiness of posting in that challenge but in areas of my life where I'm just kind of like, "whatevs".

Maybe it's because with every year I get older I realize what's REALLY important, or maybe it's because I had that panic attack last week and need to 'take a moment'. IDK. Either way - I've fallen. And I'm picking myself back up - albeit slowly but surely. That's not to say that I've fallen and I'm sad. I've just fallen. Had a setback if you will.....nothing huge....although that last post might have you thinking otherwise.

I pride myself on being SUPER organized. In fact, anyone that wants to see it - I'll show you my day planner - then the calendar I make on top of that - THEN the weekly to do list (which already exists in my planner - THEN my daily routine for each week. Kind of crazy? Yes and no. The thing is, my schedule is always subject to change. When I was in college - I would've told you that THAT is my schedule for the week/month - and nothing can change it. If I wrote it down - you might as well considered it written in stone. Of course, I also wrote everything in pen back then - I've since learned that unless I am certain - it gets written down in pencil.

What I'm saying is, I've learned to be flexible. I've learned to let things go and that I don't have to do everything....even if, at times, it seems like I am. I don't have to be everywhere and I just can't physically or emotionally anyway.

I've fallen off the wagon of caring in some areas. What are they? The shortened version/list:
-My Shakespeare Class - yes, I still do the work - but it's an online class and we have things due by Monday at Midnight - so what do people do? Wait til Monday afternoon to post their responses. MONDAY IS MY BUSIEST DAY. And by the time I get home from class, I'm exhausted and want to go to bed. So last night, instead of sitting up and going through everyone's responses - I went to bed. It was a tough decision to make but you know what, it's not my problem if they're slackers. I'll have to email the professor though (so I guess I do care a bit, eh?)
-Cabrini - not necessarily all of it - but working in the GPS. I still like being there because the people are great - but I feel like I've been there forever. I need a change or I need them to start paying me because I'm there an AWFUL LOT for someone who doesn't get paid and only get's ONE class of tuition remission. If they gave me more, I could be finished with classes this summer and student teaching in the fall - but no dice.
-Guys and anything that has to do with them beyond friendship. Yes, I've said this probably a thousand times. But really - I've just lost all hope for them. I have some guy friends reading this now saying - "oh katie, don't be silly" (I'm lookin at you Paul!) - but really - I've just kind of resolved to not think anything more into what they say to me. Take everything with a grain of salt and just throw it over my shoulder. Sure, they might be interested. Sure, they might be a good guy. But 9 times out of 10, they're only interested in one thing. And that one thing IS fun - but really? Really. That being said - there is a guy that I'm planning on seeing this week - but I can already tell there's probably no hope for him either. Part of me thinks I should just not hang out with him. The other part is like - WTF Katie - just go. It'll be fun. And it will be - and I'm going to go....because the other alternative is sitting at home thinking about those STUPID signs and the fact that I allowed myself to slip up and make another mistake (two weeks ago) with the same guy that definitely likes me but is too dumb to realize what an awesome thing he has in front of him.
-I've fallen off the wagon in trying to do my work for the RTFoundation. I feel SO guilty about that. I'm now the treasurer and although it's not THAT important (right now) - I feel like I should and could be contributing more. I am just SO busy right now that it's not a priority and I feel so bad when I get to meetings and have nothing to say. We have a meeting this Wednesday night and I am dreading it because I know that I'll feel badly about not having anything to report about. I'm doing a terrible job - at least - that's how it feels. Maybe I should just talk to Sue about it. :-/ The Foundation means the world to me and I truly TRULY want to have it succeed. I always mention it to people and tell them about it. I miss Rachel and Troy deeply. And the thought of backing away has crossed my mind but then what does that make me?

So those are just a few things going on - outside of: class @ Cabrini, Lacrosse @ LM, Swimming @ Baldwin, Teaching Spin for LAF, Looking for a summer job, trying to figure out how I'm going to move out of my house......

Thoughts and suggestions are always appreciated.

All the world's a stage....

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

~Billy Shakespeare, As You Like It

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream last night. So no, that quote does not pertain to the play I saw - but it got me thinking. Shakespeare not only wrote about what he knew, but what he was fascinated by.

If you aren't familiar with AMND, it's basically quartet of stories: 1. A king and queen who are set to be wed out of Athens. 2. A pair of "adolescents" where at the beginning both men are in love with one female and the other female is in love with one of the men (ah that unrequited love) but the female who has both of the men's affection is suppose to marry the one she isn't in love with (so says her father - damn those dad's!). 3. A fairy king and queen - and the king seeks revenge on the fairy queen because she will not give up a servant of hers. 4. A group of merrymakers whom basically serve as the comic relief in the play.

Overall, I'd say the play was good. I laughed a lot - which I should - it IS one of his comedies. But it got me thinking - especially the love square - how doting the one female character was on the male who didn't love her. She just didn't care. I think it's interesting especially since this happens so often to people. You fall for someone that clearly you know doesn't like you back and yet some how hope they'll change their mind. By the end of the play, the male does love her back but only because of a spell that was placed on him - not because he came to some realization about how wonderful she was/is.

I think it's a character almost everyone can relate to - regardless of whether your a man or woman. Don't we all essentially want to be loved? And don't we all wish it was the object of our affections that was doing the loving back?

I find myself stuck in this situation time and time again. Obviously - some of you are aware I've been trying to change that (see: new year's resolution). Unfortunately a slip up last weekend had me reeling and upset with myself. No, I shouldn't be this hard on myself for a mistake - and although in a way it felt like closure, I can't help but think - why would I allow it to happen? Yes, in the heat of the moment things like that just happen - but even the next morning? When all is clear in the light of day (who's the shakespeare now?!)?

I've never wondered if he did or didn't like me. It's very obvious that he does. But why should I let him dictate how things are supposed to be between us? I feel like I have a say in it too - of course - there is nothing that can be done if we've both said our piece and each of what we say is the opposite.

We haven't communicated all week. Nothing. Not one iota. Which got me thinking about another cliché saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". But does it really? Or does it just make the heart forget and move on? Some would say that if they really liked you, they would never forget you - others would probably agree with me to an extent. And yet some would definitely say - "he's SO not worth it, just move on...go out with that other guy".

And those are all fair paths. The thing is - and maybe this makes me sound crazy - but I do believe in signs. And lately - there have been a lot of them. And as odd as it sounds - they all kind of keep bringing me back to the idea that I shouldn't give up on him. Call me crazy - and I'm sure a lot of you will :-)

HOWEVER - I am not going to sit idly by and let nothing happen. I was thinking about it this morning......

Last night, as I mentioned, I went downtown to see a play. And I was invited out afterwards but did not go. I often wonder, "are my 'safe' choices boring or do they make for good outcomes?" A bit of an explanation - we have lacrosse practice today and I knew I wanted to go running before hand so instead of going out last night - I came home and went to bed. Lacrosse doesn't start til 11 - and I can easily go running afterwards - so what stopped me? Am I really THAT lame/boring? It had nothing to do with the people who asked me to be there. Nothing to do with not wanting to be out (I hardly ever go out). Nothing to do with being tired (although I was) because I easily could've pushed through and hung for a few hours. Am I in a rut?

I was texting Trish last night for a bit - G Love was playing in Orlando and a few months ago I was going to go down and see him and hang for the weekend. I ended up not going because I didn't know what my work schedule would be like. I should've gone. I could've used the vacation/break. I've been so overwhelmed this week with the change that I got sick. Although now that I'm thinking about it - I think it might just be allergies because the weather is getting nicer and I notice my eyes are feeling really sore from the wind/pollen getting in them. Still - the adjustment from one sport to the other made me anxious and nervous.

I had a panic attack on Tuesday night. And not just any panic attack. One like the ones I used to get when I was sick in college (read: eating disorder, anxiety). It was THAT bad. I mean - wake you up from a deep sleep to find yourself completely drenched in your own sweat and your heart racing a million miles a minute. Your mind starts wandering and you feel completely uncomfortable in your own bed not including your surroundings. You have no where to go but right where you are and all you can tell yourself is, "It's 1am, I have to be up in 5 hours - breathe, breathe, breathe - fall back asleep god damnit." Only you can't and you don't. Atleast not until 3, or so you think because that's the last time you actually looked at those beaming red numbers on your alarm clock. Your world has become topsy turvy in a matter of minutes and there's nothing you can do.

All the while your mind races about the past days events and the events to come later on that morning/day. You think that you're in over your head and the confidence that people admire in you is gone. If only people actually knew how frustrated and anxious you feel all the time.

But in reality - what you just read - is not as common as it used to be. THAT, was what used to happen to me on a nightly basis my Junior year of college. I can't even tell you how many phone calls I made to my dad at 1, 2, 3 in the morning because I was wide awake and panicking. It's scary. I hope there are no more to follow. I suppose only time will tell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you're still with me after all of that....congrats....you now know most of my inner thoughts from the last week/day/night. I'm not a mess. Just sometimes I can't compartmentalize :-)

We have our swim banquet tomorrow afternoon - so sad. Can't believe our season went so fast. I already miss the girls and it's only been a week away from it. Here's hoping next year comes quickly!

So here are some questions to ponder:
DOES absence make the heart grow fonder? or do we just forget?
and
Are the choices that we consider 'safe', boring? or will the actually lead to good things?

Amendement to #11

On my drive down to the city last night - for a play for my english class (ugh! required) - I realized that there is possibly something I hate MORE than world hunger.

No matter how good of a mood I am in to begin with - it always pisses me off and has me declaring, "ugh, I'm gonna need a drink after this" - I recall saying this on several occasions.



TRAFFIC! No matter how happy (and last night I was not happy to begin with) I am - it makes me irritable, unfriendly, and anxious. I could just feel the tension mount in my body. I was upset at the thought that it should only take me 20 minutes to get downtown and yet at 7:30 on a Friday night, I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. WTF people. DON'T SLOW DOWN - EVERYONE MOVE AT THE SAME RATE AND THERE WILL BE NO ISSUES.

Oh, and the worst? Is when there is traffic with NO ACCIDENTS or CONSTRUCTION. Like, are you kidding me? So many bad drivers out there - SO MANY. UGH.

Ok - rant over. Real post coming.

Day 24

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.



The distance separating my friends and me. :-(

Day 23

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Nonsensical - Fluff


Fascinating Stories/Real Life (I must've read this book atleast 10 times)


Favorite from High School


Shakespeare


Steinbeck (yes, I know it's depressing - but still a great read)



I have too many books I like - these are just a few.

p.s. - I'd never get a kindle or nook - I love the way a book feels in my hands and holding it.

Day 22

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.



Getting from the Friend Zone to the Relationship Level.....and obviously knowing which guy is actually interested too.

Day 21

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.



Ryan Howard striking out to lose the NLCS in 2010 :-/



Chelsea losing the Champions League Final vs. Man U in 2009



:-(



BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (stupid wanker's)

Day 19 & 20

You'll have to excuse my absence from the blog yesterday - I had a little TOO much fun Saturday night ;-) Stories are appropriate for certain friends...you know who you are...I'll call you :-) hehe but back to the 30 day challenge.....

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Me and Fur - I believe I'm like 5 or 6 here

and


Me and my sister - this was taken in 1982 - I'm not even a year old yet. Look at that big bald head!


Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.


Aussie Aussie Aussie! OY OY OY! Sydney Australia :-)

Day 18

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.



With the exception of the fact that this model doesn't have to hold her arm in front of her tummy - and since I do - my biggest insecurity is my body when I'm wearing a bikini. I am, however, working to change that and working hard.

My workout regime of running, bootcamp, spinning, swimming and ab work seems to be paying off. Now if only I could get that stingy last 10 lbs off, we'd be all set :-)

But I would imagine I'm not along in my insecurity in walking around half naked amongst total strangers. When I'm with friends, no problem...because they accept me for who I am. But normally I'm all about the coverups and/or shorts and a t-shirt.

Day 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

You guessed it! My swim team a la Lower Merion High School :-) I'm so proud of them! And can't believe how quickly my first season as coach went by! We have Districts today and tomorrow! I'm nervous and didn't sleep a whole lot last night. I have a good feeling about their swims today :-) Keep good thoughts in your head for them today! They've been working so hard for this.





Marina


Kathleen


(Left to Right) Arielle, Kathleen, Julie(on ground), Maddie, Nadia, Leah, Duranya


(Left to Right) Arielle, Kathleen, Julie(on ground), Maddie, Nadia, Frances & Leah, Duranya

Day 16

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.







How can you not be inspired by one of the best come back stories?

Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.



If all goes well, I'll be skydiving this summer! It's on my 30 in 30 list :-)

Day 14

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.



My seeeeeeeestar. Almost lost her a few times. So glad I didn't. I know we aren't the closest of siblings but I still couldn't imagine not having her in my life. Although I suppose this goes without saying that really all of my family would be listed here. I don't have a picture of my entire family though so....this is the one :-) And of course we're at a Phillies Game :-)