"I wish I could get my head out of the sand...

...cause I think we'd make a good team...and you would keep my fingernails clean. But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize, cause I can't even look in your eyes..."

Nothing like some Weezer in the morning:-) I do heart that band. Here's to hoping they go on tour with their new album.

So yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day - despite the blog from earlier. I went to the gym - did a mediocre workout (for myself) - then went to dinner and a movie (Mamma Mia! - awesome!) with my friend Pam and decided to head out to a party after that. I had a really good night overall.

I've kind of resolved myself to not drinking for a while, for a few reasons. 1. I want to see if I can do it and not miss it. 2. I feel better when I don't and I like that. 3. I'm trying to see if it helps with weight loss - which most likely it will. That doesn't mean I won't have a beer every once in a while - but I think it'll help me get on track with the way I want my body to look, etc. I'm also going to try and cut out sweets (as much as I can - since I have a HORRIBLE sweet tooth). AND - a lot less junk for me. I just kind of want to experiment with all of it. I really really want to slim down - I think it'll help me with my running and fitness goals.

Elsewhere - I've been thinking about looking for new jobs - specifically in a place where I never thought I'd live. L.A. As much as I dislike it there - I kind of want to see what it's all about. I'll probably feel different about it after I go visit Kelly at the end of August - but we'll see. Honestly - I'd only move out there if I had a job first...and if it paid me enough. But truthfully - I really do like living in Orlando. Maybe it's just time for a change of atmosphere. I love living where I'm at - but I kind of miss having my own place. I'd like to have a house and a yard. I'd like to be in my own place by the time I'm 28. That gives me about a year. I think that's a good goal.

I've actually set up a lot of goals for myself that don't necessarily have to be accomplished by the time I'm 28 - but I'd like them to be....maybe 30...which the way the years are going, isn't too far from now - yikes!

In no particular order:
1. Have my own home
2. Be completely organic/vegan(if I can)
3. Skydive
4. Back pack in Europe
5. Save more money
6. Get my fitness/training certification(s)
7. Go back to school for PhD.
8. Travel more
9. Spend more time with family
10. Try to find a way to blog full time. (this is a shot in the dark but who knows)

and I'm free fallin...

I have moments. Moments in which I am not happy with myself. Moment where I love life more than I ever thought I could. Moments I am not proud of and moments I can't even stop thinking about how great everything is at that time.

Lately. I've fallen on moments where things were peachy keen....until I came back home. I am now in a bit of a funk. I have these uneasy feelings that my best friend is upset with me...that I am not proud of the fact that I currently have a crush on an ENITRELY UNAVAILABLE man (of which I know I must get over)...I am not proud of anything at the moment. And I don't know what I do or how I get out of these moments. Every time I've come to these moments before I always tell myself..."remember how you feel at this exact moment...and then remember how you got out of it for next time." The thing is....I never remember...because I never really know how it happens. I wish I could know...I wish I knew.

I have been pretty unhappy lately. No one really knows that. I hide it pretty well. I'm doing everything I can to be happy...everything I know how to be happy, or at least, what's made me happy in the past. Those moments - which now seem fleeting - are the ones I look back on and laugh or smile. Unfortunately - I feel like I've lost my memory.

I do things to keep myself masked. I'm pretty sure there are only a few people who know me well enough to know when I'm doing this. BUT lately...I don't really think anyone knows the difference. Am I creating a pretend problem? Maybe - but I don't think so. I keep trying to tell myself to do the best I can....everyday. But. Life. It's hard. It's really hard. No one prepares you for these kinds of things. No one prepares you for friends who just stop talking to you. No one prepares you for problems you can't solve. No one prepares you for the moments in which you are sidesplittingly giddy and the next moment completely hysterical. No one tells you that you need to be on your toes at all times (which you don't always but still).

I am at a crossroads. I feel complacent. I am having moments where I am unsure of who I am and of my surroundings. I realize these are all things that are normal to question but why do I feel so alone?

My current moments consist of me working, working out, and sleeping. I haven't ventured out too much as far as socializing lately for I fear I am surrounding myself with the wrong people. Not because I'm doing the wrong things or inappropriate things...but because I don't entirely know what it is I hope to gain from those situations. I know that it doesn't mean I have to have some kind of goal for every outing...I know some times it's great to just go out and have fun. But lately, I'm looking for more. And it has me questioning....is this all there is?

I have this theory about myself. I think I move so often because I get bored. It's weird - because for someone like me who is really good at keeping to herself and doing monotonous exercise routines (ie. running and swimming and biking alone)...I get bored with my surroundings. Not people...but surroundings.

I worry a lot lately. It's been awhile since I've done this. I worry about friends. I worry about family. I worry about life and the future. Maybe that's why I do such solitary exercising. I can think about those things when I'm doing it. The only thing is...it never goes away. Ever.

When is it my turn to get a chance to live life again?