the time or place I can't forget...she's just the girl for me..and I want all the world to see we've met....mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.
Yay for Beatles in the morning:-) That song has been my song of the moment - particularly the one from Across The Universe....a movie I watched last week during our Tropical Storm Drenching...of which we had a "hurricane day"....woohoo for "snow days". It kind of brought me back to my childhood (wow - I feel like I should be 85 before I am allowed to say it like that...haha).
Today...I am heading out to Los Angeles to visit my sister and to run a half marathon at Disney. Both of which should be fun..but here is why I am kind of dreading the first.....
You see, Kelly is kind of going through a tough time right now....and while I have realistic expectations as to how she'll respond to my visit and the conversations I'm going to have with her....I also know that the change that she needs can only come from her. She's pretty lost...and she basically wants someone else to take care of all of it for her. The thing is....until she takes control of her own life, everything is going to continue to be bad for her. She's pessimistic. She has no actual positive thinking when it comes to herself or her situation. These things need to change ...because although my father thinks things will get better if she just gets a new job...if she doesn't change her way of thinking first and THEN get a new job...the negativity will stay with her forever and translate to some other problem. Complaining and whining are two of the best ways to be complacent (I am guilty of doing both, aren't we all though?)...and self-pity...which she has quite a lot of....only gets you into a deeper depression. Most people are so self involved, they don't care all that much about the struggles you are going through - with the exception of family and extremely close friends.
Friends. Friends are important. I've learned over the years and recently that they aren't always meant to stay in your life...and even if they are...the friendships we have fluctuate. I also believe we attract people who are similar to us - in that - the way they think - the way they carry themselves - and above all, how they treat other people. Unfortunately, Kelly has had a bad string of friends come into her life...and its been tough for her all her life...shes always been kind of the odd woman out. So she clings to attention - and who wouldn't if you're not used to getting it, right? It's only natural...but the thing is....she draws people close to her that are similar to her..in that...right now, she doesn't like herself, she has feelings of anger and jealousy, she doesn't understand how people can be so mean to her.
Kelly and I have always been different....and not just physically. When I was anorexic, I had the same moments and feelings she is going through right now. Hatred, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and above all...selfishness. I think my anorexia was honestly the first time I did anything for myself (as odd as that sounds...who voluntarily keeps themselves from not eating? sounds silly right?). I did it to make myself feel like I was in control in a world that I felt was out of control. I internalized 95% of my life...which was difficult considering how many people I had surrounding me. Kelly, is starting to be more verbal with her concerns and laments....which I am glad she feels comfortable doing with me...but the problem is....she wants and knows she needs to change...but she isn't doing any of it. She's looking for someone else to do it. That...won't happen. Change comes from within....she has to look inside for her to actually realize:
I can be happy. I deserve to be happy. I can no longer rely on others to give me confirmation that I am living my life the right way. I must be happy with my decisions and if I am not, I will work to fix the wrong choices I've made. Everyone makes mistakes...it's human....but it's no reason to just accept the mistakes we've made. It's one of the best things about life...we have the ability to change and make change and make ourselves happy!
There are times I get lost in trying to make others happy that I have to check myself to make sure I am making myself happy along the way....I think people forget to do this a lot. What makes your life less important than someone else's? Who told you that was the case? *As a disclaimer - I am not married - and by the looks of things - won't be married any time soon - however - I think in the case of marriage - this is one of the THE MOST IMPORTANT things! How can you possibly be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself? That's great if they're happy but really - where does that get you? I realize that statement sounds selfish - but in a way - it's not. ...and besides - aren't most relationships selfish anyway? We search for a husband/wife our whole lives to find the person that compliments our attributes. It's like from Jerry Maguire, "You complete me". Honestly - that's kind of silly. If someone else completes you, then you aren't a whole person yet, are you?
I don't know - maybe I'm just a jaded spinster who doesn't know what she's talking about. But really - I think I could be on to something. I just want what's best for my sister...I hope this trip goes well.....
I'll post pictures when I can:-)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
100 things...continued....
So I only got up to 53 yesterday...I figured I'd try to finish this up. ::deep breadth:: here goes:
54. If I could wear hats every day - I probably would. Any kind of hat.
55. I real reason I am a vegetarian....is because when I first developed my eating disorder, I thought meat was where I was getting all my extra calories. Turns out - it's just cheese. HA.
56. I will try anything once.
57. I have never had to wear braces.
58. I wore a retainer in the 3rd grade.
59. My eyes change color depending on what color shirt I am wearing.
60. Whenever I fly, I write - I don't know why - it just kind of comes to me.
61. If I have a really bad day at work....I drive home in silence.
62. I bite my nails when I am nervous.
63. I bite my nails when I have nothing better to do with my hands.
64. Chewing gum is an oral fixation I developed when I developed my eating disorder...and I've never gotten rid of it.
65. I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at the stars on a clear night...there is nothing more relaxing and calming.
66. When I was younger I used to cry a lot....especially during neighborhood games with the boys.
67. I didn't pass any of the A.P. tests I took in high school.
68. The first C I ever got in school was in 8th grade, first marking period, Algebra...from Mr. Greishober.
69. The last C I ever got in school was in 12th grade, first marking period, AP Calculus...from Mr. Brown.
70. I served as senior class treasurer for the 1998-1999 school year.
71. The only thing that ever bothers me as far as insults go is if someone calls me stupid.
72. I gladly root for the Philadelphia Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers.
73. I eat a lot of popcorn.
74. I miss being creative.
75. If I had never left Albright, I was going to run for President of my sorority.
76. Looking at pictures is one of my favorite things to do to pass the time.
77. I love to listen to people's stories.
78. For some reason, I have the ability to remember movie quotes and television show quotes like it's my job.
79. I was a lifeguard for three years of my life during high school.
80. I love getting mail (who doesn't?)
81. I've never had anyone REALLY close to me, die.
82. I've only been to one funeral.
83. Sometimes I sit in awe of what my life has become and how much my life has changed.
84. I struggle every day to be the best I can be.
85. Mexican and Italian are my favorite types of food.
86. I like to make other people laugh.
87. Sometimes, I wish people would get to know the real me.
88. I am pretty sure I will always struggle with my weight.
89. I hold on to things for years and years....(cars, phones, clothes, shoes, bags)
90. I am not entirely sufficient....I still rely on my parents for a lot of help.
91. I have a hard time asking for help but welcome it when it's offered.
92. I find direction and meaning in music...all music.
93. I can play the piano, clarinet, flute, saxophone, and trumpet.
94. I get really quiet when I am uncomfortable.
95. If I can, I wear my hair in a ponytail as often as possible.
96. My life isn't turning out the way I thought it would - but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
97. When I had homework to do, the only way I could do it was to have music or a tv on at the same time.
98. I share everything with my dad.
99. I don't talk to my mom as often as I probably should.
100. I like my smile.
54. If I could wear hats every day - I probably would. Any kind of hat.
55. I real reason I am a vegetarian....is because when I first developed my eating disorder, I thought meat was where I was getting all my extra calories. Turns out - it's just cheese. HA.
56. I will try anything once.
57. I have never had to wear braces.
58. I wore a retainer in the 3rd grade.
59. My eyes change color depending on what color shirt I am wearing.
60. Whenever I fly, I write - I don't know why - it just kind of comes to me.
61. If I have a really bad day at work....I drive home in silence.
62. I bite my nails when I am nervous.
63. I bite my nails when I have nothing better to do with my hands.
64. Chewing gum is an oral fixation I developed when I developed my eating disorder...and I've never gotten rid of it.
65. I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at the stars on a clear night...there is nothing more relaxing and calming.
66. When I was younger I used to cry a lot....especially during neighborhood games with the boys.
67. I didn't pass any of the A.P. tests I took in high school.
68. The first C I ever got in school was in 8th grade, first marking period, Algebra...from Mr. Greishober.
69. The last C I ever got in school was in 12th grade, first marking period, AP Calculus...from Mr. Brown.
70. I served as senior class treasurer for the 1998-1999 school year.
71. The only thing that ever bothers me as far as insults go is if someone calls me stupid.
72. I gladly root for the Philadelphia Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers.
73. I eat a lot of popcorn.
74. I miss being creative.
75. If I had never left Albright, I was going to run for President of my sorority.
76. Looking at pictures is one of my favorite things to do to pass the time.
77. I love to listen to people's stories.
78. For some reason, I have the ability to remember movie quotes and television show quotes like it's my job.
79. I was a lifeguard for three years of my life during high school.
80. I love getting mail (who doesn't?)
81. I've never had anyone REALLY close to me, die.
82. I've only been to one funeral.
83. Sometimes I sit in awe of what my life has become and how much my life has changed.
84. I struggle every day to be the best I can be.
85. Mexican and Italian are my favorite types of food.
86. I like to make other people laugh.
87. Sometimes, I wish people would get to know the real me.
88. I am pretty sure I will always struggle with my weight.
89. I hold on to things for years and years....(cars, phones, clothes, shoes, bags)
90. I am not entirely sufficient....I still rely on my parents for a lot of help.
91. I have a hard time asking for help but welcome it when it's offered.
92. I find direction and meaning in music...all music.
93. I can play the piano, clarinet, flute, saxophone, and trumpet.
94. I get really quiet when I am uncomfortable.
95. If I can, I wear my hair in a ponytail as often as possible.
96. My life isn't turning out the way I thought it would - but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
97. When I had homework to do, the only way I could do it was to have music or a tv on at the same time.
98. I share everything with my dad.
99. I don't talk to my mom as often as I probably should.
100. I like my smile.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
100 Things About Me
So I was perusing a few other blog sites and came across Prior Fat Girl and noticed a post where she wrote down 100 things about herself. I thought it'd be a good exercise for myself.....so here goes:
1. For as much as I complain about my mother, she can be pretty fun at times.
2. No matter how much I try, I will always have a part of my mother in my personality - especially the obsessive part.
3. I love to read anything and everything about health, weightloss, fitness, and working out.
4. I have been in love with someone for a long time.
5. (see number 4) I would definitely accept a marriage proposal from this person.
6. Watching movies where things blow up - really does make me feel better after a shitty day.
7. Given my druthers, I'd wear mesh shorts and a t-shirt everywhere.
8. I absolutely melt when a guy calls me "Fitz".
9. When a guy kisses my neck or ear....that's it, I'm putty.
10. I miss the neighborhood I grew up in.
11. On that note...I miss the bbq's on summer holiday's in the neighborhood (green jello!)
12. I am actually an exceptional cook - I just never have anyone to cook for.
13. Deep down - for as independent as I am - I just want to be taken care of.
14. On Fridays, I'll come home and start drinking wine - and am drunk in a half hour:-)
15. I love love LOVE sweets.
16. I can read people, their faces, and emotions, extremely well - I don't know why, I've just always been able to do it.
17. I look at pictures of myself from when I was anorexic all the time - wishing I still had that look without the pain and duress.
18. I love to watch swimming - no matter what it's for - olympics, college, ncaa's, etc.
19. The Ben Franklin Institute is my FAVORITE place in all of central Philadelphia.
20. I want to get a little dog when I am finally in my own place.
21. I am extremely afraid I will be in a terrible car accident some day.
22. Some how, I know the words to almost every song I hear/listen to - no matter how long it's been since the last time I heard it.
23. Eventually I want to be a professor.
24. I am extremely afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.
25. I would eat Pizza every day for every meal for the rest of my life (if I had to).
26. Working out - is just something I do - my day seems incomplete when I don't do it.
27. When I get really excited - I start calling everyone "dude"
28. I only like pictures of myself, when I'm about 10 lbs less than I weigh now.
29. I hope to get a personal trainer at some point for 2009.
30. Helping others makes me feel happy.
31. My friends and family are the most important people to me.
32. When it comes to being liberal/conservative...I am extremely liberal towards other people and their actions but am relatively conservative when it comes to myself.
33. Sports = pure enjoyment for me.
34. I blog because sometimes I feel like I talk too much....despite knowing this isn't true.
35. Sometimes, I really feel like no one listens to me.
36. I have very awesome cousins - they're like - actual people now.
37. I check facebook at least 10 times every day (yes, I am obsessed).
38. I am OCD about schedules and calendars...oh and lists too!
39. I will sit and watch soccer all day - if chelsea is playing.
40. Travel has become a habit for me - I kind of like it:-)
41. Somehow, I manage to stay in contact with a lot of people throughout my life.
42. I absolutely HATE the "c" word in reference to a woman's private part or even when calling someone by that word.
43. I kind of miss doing research for school.
44. Penguins are my favorite!
45. I enjoy cleaning when I am stressed - there is no better feeling than "cleansing" the junk in your life.
46. I've learned to not be jealous of my friends.
47. Sometimes, buying things...really does make me feel better.
48. I rarely walk into a bookstore and walk out without a book.
49. I watch people at the gym while I do my cardio.
50. When a cute guy walks by - I try a little harder during my workout.
51. I've tried giving up coffee....it's not gonna happen. EVER.
52. I have a hard time NOT wearing my flip flops.
53. I still have a tough time putting myself ahead of everyone else.
......I can't think of any more right now....haha
1. For as much as I complain about my mother, she can be pretty fun at times.
2. No matter how much I try, I will always have a part of my mother in my personality - especially the obsessive part.
3. I love to read anything and everything about health, weightloss, fitness, and working out.
4. I have been in love with someone for a long time.
5. (see number 4) I would definitely accept a marriage proposal from this person.
6. Watching movies where things blow up - really does make me feel better after a shitty day.
7. Given my druthers, I'd wear mesh shorts and a t-shirt everywhere.
8. I absolutely melt when a guy calls me "Fitz".
9. When a guy kisses my neck or ear....that's it, I'm putty.
10. I miss the neighborhood I grew up in.
11. On that note...I miss the bbq's on summer holiday's in the neighborhood (green jello!)
12. I am actually an exceptional cook - I just never have anyone to cook for.
13. Deep down - for as independent as I am - I just want to be taken care of.
14. On Fridays, I'll come home and start drinking wine - and am drunk in a half hour:-)
15. I love love LOVE sweets.
16. I can read people, their faces, and emotions, extremely well - I don't know why, I've just always been able to do it.
17. I look at pictures of myself from when I was anorexic all the time - wishing I still had that look without the pain and duress.
18. I love to watch swimming - no matter what it's for - olympics, college, ncaa's, etc.
19. The Ben Franklin Institute is my FAVORITE place in all of central Philadelphia.
20. I want to get a little dog when I am finally in my own place.
21. I am extremely afraid I will be in a terrible car accident some day.
22. Some how, I know the words to almost every song I hear/listen to - no matter how long it's been since the last time I heard it.
23. Eventually I want to be a professor.
24. I am extremely afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.
25. I would eat Pizza every day for every meal for the rest of my life (if I had to).
26. Working out - is just something I do - my day seems incomplete when I don't do it.
27. When I get really excited - I start calling everyone "dude"
28. I only like pictures of myself, when I'm about 10 lbs less than I weigh now.
29. I hope to get a personal trainer at some point for 2009.
30. Helping others makes me feel happy.
31. My friends and family are the most important people to me.
32. When it comes to being liberal/conservative...I am extremely liberal towards other people and their actions but am relatively conservative when it comes to myself.
33. Sports = pure enjoyment for me.
34. I blog because sometimes I feel like I talk too much....despite knowing this isn't true.
35. Sometimes, I really feel like no one listens to me.
36. I have very awesome cousins - they're like - actual people now.
37. I check facebook at least 10 times every day (yes, I am obsessed).
38. I am OCD about schedules and calendars...oh and lists too!
39. I will sit and watch soccer all day - if chelsea is playing.
40. Travel has become a habit for me - I kind of like it:-)
41. Somehow, I manage to stay in contact with a lot of people throughout my life.
42. I absolutely HATE the "c" word in reference to a woman's private part or even when calling someone by that word.
43. I kind of miss doing research for school.
44. Penguins are my favorite!
45. I enjoy cleaning when I am stressed - there is no better feeling than "cleansing" the junk in your life.
46. I've learned to not be jealous of my friends.
47. Sometimes, buying things...really does make me feel better.
48. I rarely walk into a bookstore and walk out without a book.
49. I watch people at the gym while I do my cardio.
50. When a cute guy walks by - I try a little harder during my workout.
51. I've tried giving up coffee....it's not gonna happen. EVER.
52. I have a hard time NOT wearing my flip flops.
53. I still have a tough time putting myself ahead of everyone else.
......I can't think of any more right now....haha
Sunday, August 3, 2008
A less weighty katie
So I was watching "You Are What You Eat" on BBC America the other week...and there was a girl on there who shared my name and "a less weighty katie" was a tag for a bump out/in of the show. It kind of stuck with me and I've kind of been telling myself this is what I need to do.
I need to stop calling myself fat. I need to focus on what's truly important to me again - which always was - being healthy. I can't let it get out of control. I am healthy and I am fit. I just wish I was a less weighty katie. So. I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to workout hard...eat well...drink less...eat less sweets...and get more sleep! I've found the sleep thing is by far and away the thing that affects me on a more immediate level. If I don't sleep enough the night before, my workouts are as effective the next day and I tend to hurt more (my muscles and joints) during the next few days.
I recently talked to Brian - my old trainer. He basically told me - as long as I'm running - one upper body workout a week should suffice. Which is good because it's what I've been doing anyway. I've cut out leg workouts for now - I've noticed a difference. My legs (my calves anyway) look trimmer. I'm still working on toning up my tummy some more - but cutting out the alcohol has helped in that department significantly. If I do drink - it's usually a glass of wine and only one.
Elsewhere - things are pretty decent. I had a bad day last week - but it was the start of my pmsing - and thankfully that is done now. I am going home this coming weekend for my friend Kristie's wedding - I am so excited for her:-) I'm also gonna get to see my cousins and my friend Pat who I haven't seen in nearly 2 years. Should be interesting.
On other fronts - I head out to LA to visit Kelly at the end of the month and am REALLY excited about this half marathon. I think - and am pretty sure - I am signing up for the Philadelphia Marathon in November. It falls on the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I'll probably be home then anyway - plus Jackie's birthday is the next day so win win:-) But I'm still gonna see how I feel after this half marathon. I know I can do 13.1 ....but 26.2....that's a helluva long way farther...so....we'll see.
yay:-)
I need to stop calling myself fat. I need to focus on what's truly important to me again - which always was - being healthy. I can't let it get out of control. I am healthy and I am fit. I just wish I was a less weighty katie. So. I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to workout hard...eat well...drink less...eat less sweets...and get more sleep! I've found the sleep thing is by far and away the thing that affects me on a more immediate level. If I don't sleep enough the night before, my workouts are as effective the next day and I tend to hurt more (my muscles and joints) during the next few days.
I recently talked to Brian - my old trainer. He basically told me - as long as I'm running - one upper body workout a week should suffice. Which is good because it's what I've been doing anyway. I've cut out leg workouts for now - I've noticed a difference. My legs (my calves anyway) look trimmer. I'm still working on toning up my tummy some more - but cutting out the alcohol has helped in that department significantly. If I do drink - it's usually a glass of wine and only one.
Elsewhere - things are pretty decent. I had a bad day last week - but it was the start of my pmsing - and thankfully that is done now. I am going home this coming weekend for my friend Kristie's wedding - I am so excited for her:-) I'm also gonna get to see my cousins and my friend Pat who I haven't seen in nearly 2 years. Should be interesting.
On other fronts - I head out to LA to visit Kelly at the end of the month and am REALLY excited about this half marathon. I think - and am pretty sure - I am signing up for the Philadelphia Marathon in November. It falls on the Sunday before Thanksgiving and I'll probably be home then anyway - plus Jackie's birthday is the next day so win win:-) But I'm still gonna see how I feel after this half marathon. I know I can do 13.1 ....but 26.2....that's a helluva long way farther...so....we'll see.
yay:-)
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