Why Can't I Get Angry?

I have issues.....understatement of the year. 

Okay, okay - we all have issues.  Some are more deeply routed and most times people aren't fully aware of where they stem from.  I've been seeing a therapist for the last 2 months now, and it has helped me tremendously.  When I was in treatment for my eating disorder I had a therapist then too - she was awesome.  I will always recommend seeing a therapist to someone because even though we all have friends we can turn to for support and advice, there is something about hearing it from someone who doesn't know EVERY single thing about you and can usually help clear things up in a way that your friends and even yourself never thought of before....But I digress...

A few weeks ago my therapist asked me "I'm concerned that you're sad and not mad.  This sadness seems to be making you depressed and you really should be mad with him -- not as sad anymore.  Why do you feel like you shouldn't get angry?"

So I thought about it for a moment and the first thing that popped into my head was because of my childhood.  When you're 9/10 and all you hear are your parents fighting and being mad at each other all of the time - it typically becomes something you want to avoid having in your life.  Not to mention how damaging holding on to anger and resentment can be toward someone.....anger is an emotion that I feel stresses me out.  Which is completely clear based on the anxiety attack I had on Saturday night and the one I woke up to this morning. 

There are a lot of things in my life I'm anxious about: finding a job, money, family, ex-boyfriends who are idiots...etc. 

So as I sit here typing this - I go back to this question - "Why Can't I Get Angry?"  or even - why can't I STAY angry?  What am I so afraid of?  That the other person will get angry that I'm angry?  Truth is, I'm a big softie...and I will always let someone else win an argument so I don't have to argue....and I will always let the other person be right, even if they're not.  Anger is an emotion I don't really like...which isn't healthy because it IS healthy to get angry from time to time.  It's natural,....

I've always been one of those people who's "gone with the flow" and usually don't let things bother me....which may be why I can't seem to STAY angry?  But I think I need to get angry...and I need to stay angry...and I need to make a decision because I'm not helping myself right now.  I need to do things for me...and focus on me...and enough with the "it's all on his terms" deal. 

In the last few weeks - I've been an idiot.  I can not keep doing the things I've been doing.  It's time to refocus and recenter.....I need to get angry.  I need to take action.

 Any suggestions?

My So Called Life

"There’s so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever, who know you in this way that other people can’t, because they’ve seen you change…they’ve let you change."~My So Called Life


Anyone remember that show???  IT was on MTV back in the day - "which was a Wednesday, I don't know if you know that...".....any catch that reference too?  Probably not.....I'm feeling pretty random today.

I meant to write this post yesterday because I got back from a quick jaunt to visit my friend(s) Nick, Joey, and Sam in AC.  They're friends of mine from Orlando but were in AC for a work trip.  Went to AC for the night and ended up having an evening of random fun with Nick.  Joey and Sam were so tired they just passed out early - so - it was just me and Nick :-) 

I've known Nick for about 6 years now....and it's funny how it feels like he and I have known each other for SO much longer.  The purpose of the quote is simply that - he and I know each other in this way that just kind of clicks. 

We caught up on each others' lives and what's going on and what's been going on.  I haven't seen him in about 2 years so it was great to have some time to chat.  We both help put things into perspective for each other and the one thing I really think I took away from the evening/visit is that sometimes you need to see an old friend in order to realize exactly what your priorities and what your standards are.....

What I mean by this is...we both discussed relationships we're either in (him) or recently got out of (me)....and he had mentioned seeing an old mutual friend who showed him what he used to really want in a relationship/woman.  To which I quickly replied that it's okay if your priorities or standards change over time because people change...we evolve.  It's only natural.  When I was telling him how my most current ex is unlike any other guy I've ever dated, he said, "See, now what made you choose him if he's so different?  Does that mean your standards have changed?  What made you pick him?" 

So I thought about that for a few seconds and replied...."Despite the fact that he was unlike any guy I've ever dated...the biggest difference between him and the others is the feeling I got/get when I'm with him.  There is only one person in my life who listens so intently or actually genuinely gives me advice that may or may not help me...and that person is my father.  Although I've found friends to be comforting and supportive - and yes, some of my guy friends....his particular guy always listened, calmed me down, let me freak out, didn't/doesn't judge me, and supports me.  He champions me and motivates me when I am down on myself.  The only other person who's ever done that was my dad because he's the only person I've ever let see me be so vulnerable...."

Nick thought about that for a second and basically said...."it's really interesting that you said it was more about emotion and comfort than appearances...."  I said...well...looks fade over time...it's what's behind them that truly matter. 

I'm getting off on a tangent that needs to be reeled in.....

Basically the point of the post is to say, it's important to have those conversations with people who know you in a way that's different than everyone else.  Nick and I have a special bond and I'm so lucky to have him as a friend.  Just like so many of my friends that I don't see often, when I am with them, it's as if no time has passed at all and we're completely comfortable with each other.  I wonder if that's just me? Or if it's because I've had a ton of luck with finding the right friends.....

Either way....I hope everyone has friends like this...that have seen you change...and let you change...and are still there for you at all times....

Why Do I Care? and Why I Do Care....

WHY DO I CARE?
It's often happened in my life that I end up getting the short end of the stick.  Now, stick with me here for a moment - this is not a "woe is me" kind of diatribe.  In fact - it's really not meant to sound like anything but an observation from the last 20+ years of my life.... And this is certainly not any kind of "give me a pat on the back because I'm awesome" statement either.....

So often in our lives, we find ourselves doing things for others that we know ahead of time will reap no kind of reward other than doing that particular thing out of kindness.  In the last few months, I've not only re-adopted this philosophy - kindness above all without any expectation of it in return - but I've also realized that in some cases, you just kind of have to let it be too. 

I'm not about to sit here and mention specific examples in my life where I've gone above and beyond to help someone else and gotten nothing in return - ever....but what I want to really ask myself sometimes is "Why do I care THIS MUCH to help someone or be there for someone that really isn't there for me?"  Do I already know that I don't/won't need their help back?  Do they know it?  Do they think I am the stronger of the two people in the situation or just in general?

I am a relatively strong-willed person.  If I see something I want I'm most likely going to go after it until I get it.  This can be a good and bad thing.  The good is that most people see me as a Type A person who acts on her intentions and about 98% of the time follows through.  The bad thing is that I feel personally responsible when I realize that I am only human and can only do so much - so I feel as though I'm letting people down.  In other words - I have a hard time saying "no".  Don't we all?  Okay, maybe not all of us.....teach me how!!  But I digress....

Why do I care about things SO much?  My dad tells me it's because "that's just the kind of person you are Katie.  You care about some people more than they deserve and you don't always get back what you put out.  You've always been like that.  It's not a bad thing."  Indeed.  It's not a bad thing to care.  But how can I force myself to stop being to giving sometimes?  or the question really is - SHOULD I force myself to stop caring so much? 

WHY I DO CARE.....
I care because I know that regardless of whether or not someone or anyone gives back any kind of giving or caring in the way I do, I feel better knowing I'm helping someone.  I just really like to help people.

I care because it's such a great feeling.  I don't know if it's as popular as it was when I was younger but the idea of 'practice random acts of kindness every day' still holds true for me.  I really do enjoy it. 

Of course, there are downfalls to the concept of caring TOO much - gut-wrenching anxiety, worry, etc.  These are still things I have to work on letting go.  There is nothing I can do about others' reactions or how other people handle their lives....all I can do is what I can with what I have in my time.  And I choose to spend it caring about people....

How do you choose to spend your time?

7-24-09

It was around 8:30AM.  My sister was watching TV and my mother was in the kitchen doing her crossword puzzle.  I was just finishing up my coffee and getting ready to head to the gym to.

Corrine (Glenn's girlfriend at the time), knocked on our front door and stood in our living room.  Her face was as serious as I've ever seen someones face.  She had only this to say, "Rachel and Troy are dead."

At first, as most people would, we said, "WHAT".  You never think that you'll ever hear those words about a 30 year old woman and her 3 year old child....and yet....it was all true.  Ever since then, the pain has lessened but my memory of that day is still very clear.  I won't get into all the details about their passing and how it happened but let's just say there are many MANY posts and conversations that I could have with all of you about everything and it would still hurt the same.

Rachel was one of my best friends growing up.  As with many of the kids I grew up with on Aster Lane - most, if not all, of my childhood memories include her in some way.  Whether it was when she and I would play school together or when she was teaching me how to roller-skate (remember those?) or when she would make silly dances with me and when it was my birthday and all my friends paired off to make up a dance routine and she stepped in to make it seem like it didn't matter because I had an older friend doing mine with me....she was always one of the kindest people I knew.  There are an incredible amount of similarities between her and I.....and maybe, even beyond our childhood, it's why I still feel so connected to her.

Troy was such an amazing child.  He was born about 4 months premature and was in the hospital for a good six months beyond his birth - being born just over 1lb.  He, from the beginning, was one of the strongest kids I knew.  He was a survivor and a joy!  Every day when Rachel would come to the circle, he would make a bee-line to my mom's house to play with us....well, mainly my mother.  He would come over and knock on the door - even if his Gammy told him we weren't home.  Often times you'd find him falling asleep while watching Wall-E in our living room.  I remember babysitting for him when he was just a few months old.  Such a joy! :-)  One of the best smiles I've ever seen.....but I digress.  Sadly, he was caught in the middle of the situation but he is with is mother, which is where he should be.....but that doesn't mean I don't miss him and her every day.

So where am I going with this??  Well, since their passing, we started a non-profit foundation in their honor.  The money we raise goes to local organizations that help to support women and children who are the victims of domestic abuse.  When we started we weren't sure what to use as our foundation logo.  We (myself, Rachel's parents and brother) decided on a butterfly.  Since then, I wanted to get a tattoo in commemoration of them.  I knew it had to be the butterfly.

Yesterday, that decision finally came to fruition.....the end result:

They were already with me all the time, but now, I have a constant reminder.  I can look down and know that no matter what I'm going through - Rachel and Troy are there to help me get through it.  It also reminds me that things are not nearly as bad as they could be - in any situation.

I miss them dearly.  Every day.  RIP Rach.  RIP Troy.