New PDR and PTR

PDR - 18.25 Miles

PTR - 2hrs 46 Mins

Avg - 9:09/mile

that is all.

A few questions....

Welcome to the new week people!

Did you like my video blog? I'm not sure if I'll do another - even though I said I would.

So my friend Heather and I have been talking a lot lately about how wonderful it is to have friends and family that care but at the same time, sucks because they think they're helping us with the comments they say.

Take for example - Heather was at her grandmother's 91st birthday celebration yesterday (woo for long life genes!) and she told me that most of the day she had tears in her eyes because everyone in her family kept asking her why she didn't have someone special yet? And how she's such a wonderful person that it's a shame for it to go to waste.

A few things I that I have issues with on this: 1. I totally get how she's feeling. It happens to me all the time with my family and some of my friends who I haven't seen or talked to in a while. 2. Why wouldn't it be okay for her to be a wonderful person on her own? Is she still going to waste to her friends and family? 3. What makes you think it SO EASY to find someone out there?

Heather, like me, has tried and feels as though she's exhausted her options as far as dating goes. Online. Check. Speed dating. Check. Mixers for 30-somethings. Check. Random setups. Check. Social bump-ins. Check. You get the point.

We went out on Saturday night and both agreed in our conversation that everyone else seems to make it look so easy. So my questions are as follows:

-Is it REALLY that easy to find someone?
-WHY MUST PEOPLE CONTINUALLY MAKE US FEEL BAD FOR HOW WE'RE LIVING OUR LIFE WHEN WE'RE TRYING TO DO THE BEST WE CAN? (I'm lookin at my mother on this).
-If it really IS that easy, what's wrong with me that I haven't been able to find it?

I watch a whole lot of dating shows - Tough Love, 'Why Am I Still Single?, Millionaire Matchmaker - to get some ideas as to what I might be doing wrong when it comes to meeting someone. For the good majority, I've changed a lot of how I approach guys. I used to get very physical way too soon.

I was talking with my dad about it yesterday and he asked me - of all the guys that are currently my 'friends', do any of them fit my ramifications? I explained to him that they do - but the thing is - I don't want to sleep with any of them. Because he made the argument that if I'm looking for someone who's 'just like my dad', then I should have a nice selection, right? That is a good point - HOWEVER - I don't want to sleep with my dad....so I don't want to sleep with these guys. Make sense?

More questions:
-Do people think it's comforting to hear, 'but you're so wonderful, I just wish you'd find someone already'? And why is it okay for you to judge me based on my marital status? ('oh you're a single 30 year old, you must have issues' - NEWS FLASH - WE'VE ALL GOT ISSUES!)
-Why are we SO emphatic about people needing someone else? (more of a philosophical question)

Because the truth of the matter is - I want to find someone. Just because I'm still single doesn't mean I don't want to find anyone...it means I haven't been able to. And of the ones I supposedly have, there's no physical chemistry. I want to share my life with someone. I want to have a family and start a new chapter with someone. I do. I really and truly do.

People tell me I'm not open to it. I don't know how much more open to it I could be. I've even toyed with the idea of doing online dating again...if only it didn't cost anything.

Tiredness

The current theme of my life. Tiredness.

It all started last Friday night and I guess I haven't completely recovered. Friday night I went out to Happy Hour with my friend Heather...we went to 333 Belrose, then Mixx, then Hykel's, and then John Henry's. Heather was kind enough to cover all the bills for the evening...nice friend, huh? She assured me that it was entirely okay and that once I had a real job, I could pay her back. I don't like doing that too often but it was nice of her and she's superawesomesauce so it was hard for me to say no. Plus, it was bound to be a fun night. AND. IT. WAS. Esp since I drank 5 glasses of wine..and then water. Lots of water.

See, remember that swim conference I told you about? Yeah, I still had to get to bed early enough that night so I would be okay the rest of the weekend. And although I was in bed by 11pm - I think the fact that Martha stopped by and I was already tired from the previous week...it all caught up to me. I felt and looked like crapola for the whole weekend of the conference. Didn't matter to me. I was there to learn. I have no one to impress. So after not working out all day Saturday and feeling like poop I decided (as you know from a previous post) to get up early on Sunday and run. And I did. At 5 AM. I'm crazy.

The run was less than spectacular and I only made it through 3.55 miles (which you know). And I headed to the conference feeling better but realizing that the wind that was blowing in my eyes that morning caused some major irritations....soooooo...I had puffy eyes the rest of the day. Ugh. I couldn't win. I got out of there relatively early that day. I got to go home and hang out a bit and just relax. I had to go house sit for Will and Gus so I ended up going to bed at 9PM but didn't fall asleep at 10 instead. The freakin' dogs were annoying the bejesus out of me and woke me up three times Sunday night so I didn't get a good night sleep. Had to get up at 6 to get Gus and Will off to school.

Monday I taught spin and after I got home and made some lunch, I attempted to read some of my book for my Lit class - I ended up taking a 2 hour nap instead. I was still tired. I went to bed early again Monday but woke up earlier on Tuesday. The 20 mile run became a 9 mile run. Last night I attempted to go to bed early but still didn't fall asleep til 11. Woke up at 6:30 today and taught spin. Felt tired from the getgo but Spin made me feel better. I had a full day but after I sat to read for three hours - I was ready for a nap. The dentist appointment I had didn't let me sleep and I had practice tonight.

I've got a full few more days through the weekend and it doesn't stop next week either. Something every day/night next week. Whew. Did you get all that?

Confession(s) Time...

Remember that 20 mile run I wanted to get in today (Tuesday)?
Confession: It didn't happen. Well. The run still happened. I finished 9 miles. Huffing and Puffing. I guess that's what happens when you step away from running for five days....eek! And I thought I was doing myself a favor! I just couldn't keep my heart rate under control and my breathing was all wacky. I don't know what was up with me but I should've known to postpone my run when my green iPod wasn't working. Then I had to switch to my purple iPod which is tempermental. THEN my garmin was like...what's this shizzz...we're running today? Oh hell no. Thankgoodness I got that to reset and work. I even had my camelback all juiced up and ready to go. And then..the first half mile went so quickly. I thought maybe I just had too much bottled up energy and I went out too fast. I did finish half a mile in 3 minutes (song time)....sooooo, yeah. But I kept going anyway - despite the heart palpatations. You'dve thought I was out of shape...eek.

I have been feeling lethargic this week - maybe that's the two days off. Maybe it's Martha (most likely). I just hope in a month from now when I have the Marathon, I'm not dealing with this! UGH.

Confession: When I get stressed, I like to make lists - calendars - organize everything. I worry a lot about forgetting things when I'm stressed because that's the FIRST sign you're stressed out...forgetting things. As of right now, I haven't forgotten too much. Why? Because I write it all down. You better believe as of right now not only do I have a planner - but I have a re-written schedule - then a list of things for the week - then a list of things each day - then a list of things I'm doing each day of the week. Yup. I told ya.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my OCD-edness on here before. Yes? I have OCD about organization of my schedule/lists/things. Sometimes - sometimes I do just let it go. But after about a week, I get that itch again. On my way home from Baldwin last night I started thinking about how much stuff I have to do in the next two and a half months. So I made a list. I've also since revised the list.

In the months after the new year, I'll have a slew of new things on the list.

I won't bore you with my list right now - but honestly - I make these lists and then lately, I've been slackin on finishing them. I don't know why. I guess I'm a laid back organized person? Like I don't have the same urgency to get certain things finished. I know I'll get them done. I don't leave it to the last minute, I just don't do it right away. This little habit irks my mother to no end. She doesn't understand why I hesitate to do things. Part of me waits on some things becuse ocassionally things will change and it was better that I waited. All-in-all though, I'm never one of those girls that waits to the last minute to pay a bill or call someone. Atleast, I don't think I am.

Confession: I found Jenna Marbles Blog via a friend on Facebook after watching This Video. O. M. G. It is seriously funny. This chick is awesome and yet somewhat obnoxious but I have to agree with her while confessing that I have had a few of the moments she talks about. :-/ EEK. Told ya it was confession time.

Confession: I've been house sitting for Gus and Will since Sunday. I'm finished as of today but I just love watching these boys. They're hilariously funny and they make me laugh. I hope I have kids just like them one day - but mine will assuredly clean up after themselves.

Confession: I am counting down the days til Swim Season starts! I CAN NOT WAIT! I love coaching (as you all know) and this season has a lot of great things in it to look forward to. I'm meeting with my captains on Thursday.

Confession: I feel like I've been a terrible friend lately. I don't call anyone anymore. I don't even text anyone really. I guess I'm going through kind of a funk. Eh.

On the UPSWING!
As upset as I was about only getting in 9 miles today - it was 9 miles more than I had run the day before!

As stressed as I am right now, things are looking up :-) And there are a lot of good things coming my way in the next two months.

I love finding ridiculous videos on the internets to make me laugh.

My being a bad friend won't continue. Everyone gets busy. Atleast, I hope my friends don't just get mad at me now because I haven't contacted anyone. I guess if they're true friends, they'll understand....

early morning drabble....and other nonsensical stuff

redundant, no?

A few items before I venture off to Cherry Hill on this brisk Sunday morning. How do I know? Funny you should ask....I decided that I'm JUST crazy enough to get up at 5am and go for a run. Albeit - it was only 3.55 miles...but it was more than I thought I'd do all weekend. Truth be told - I'm supposed to be running a Half Marathon today in Hershey with my trusty running partner Beth Any...but because of the swim clinic/conference (and it's kind of part of my job)...I'm missing it. I'm bummed! Honestly - it's fine - Martha decided to stop by this morning so I wasn't really feelin it...hence only the 3.55 miles....but I digress....

In random yet sequential order (and solely sequential because I've numbered them....gosh aren't I quite the nerd at 6:36am)....

1. I've decided to start fresh with my eating/drinking/exercising habits. My friend heather and I decided that after Friday night...it's time to 'go on the wagon' so to speak. She suggested two weeks - I said - 'how about until for a long time'? She said that's even better. You see....my wallet...it loves me. But it loves me because I keep using it. I. However. Do not love it. Yes it's pink and cute and from Fossil. But those are materialistic things. So are it's contents for that matter - with the exception of my drivers license (because that's necessary), insurance card and car registration. All very important. I felt like crappity crap all day yesterday and even though part of it was because of the impending arrival of Martha....I just don't want to feel like that.

2. Another big reason I only did 3.55 today was because on Thursday when I ran, my left shin on the side of my leg just above my ankle started to really bother me. Today when I ran I wore different sneakers...but usually when anything on my legs hurt when I run it's because I need new sneaks. That being said - I'm up to 950 miles for the year so far. Only 250 to go! I can do it! Esp since I have a marathon in there and the training for the marathon. December might be a bit tougher since I'll probably do most of my running inside but - I can do it! 1200 miles on the year, here I come! Next year I won't be able to accomplish that many because I'll have to alter my workouts - but more on that later.

3. Met Ryan Lochte and Nathan Adrian yesterday. Who's Ryan Lochte and Nathan Adrian?! Kill Yourself....(does anyone get that reference?...no? If you don't watch Glee you won't get it.)...
Ryan Lochte

Nathan Adrian


Together

ANNNNNND you're welcome....

You can be jealous now :-)

So pumped to see them again today!

4. While I was at the swim clinic yesterday, I decided - as much as it'll be to take on - I'm going to start a blog/site for the girls/boys team(s) this year and continue it. I think it'd be a good way for them to get information about things and it'll eliminate too many emails.

5. Getting lots of good tips/ideas from the clinic. There a few sessions this morning I'm pumped to hear about. The most interesting one yesterday was on sports psychology. I might buy some of the guy's stuff either today or online to help me with the team this year. I want to take a different approach.

6. I'm house sitting starting tonight thru Tuesday evening. I'm gonna be tired all week. I'm not doing anything (if at all) until Friday. I might try to pick up Friday coaching shift and possibly even Saturday morning - we'll see. One of the coaches is going away so I might try to take it up from her.

7. I need to finish my USSC certification.

8. I need to look into getting my training certification.

9. I have to call the Y and LA Fitness back about adding some more spin classes.

10. I have to read A Wrinkle in Time for my YA Lit class this week. I've never read it. It's science fiction, no? Apparently we're also going to watch parts of the movie too.

11. I think I'm picking The Book Thief for my outside reading for that class. Anyone know if it's good or not? I was gonna do the Hunger Games but turns out everyone else wants to do that too. Besides, why not pick a book I haven't read yet?

Anywho gotta grab something to eat and then head out! Yay! Informative Swim Meetings and HOT SWIMMERS!

Love that movie!

Evey Hammond: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.

Seriously, V for Vendetta is a great movie. I wish more people knew it...and if you do (Painter, I know you do)...you're one of the lucky ones! It was on TV last night and amongst my channel surfing (now that I live on my own I can flip back and forth as much as I want!) I stopped upon V for Vendetta and flipped back and forth between that and....wait for it....Stick It. Yes, the adolescent motion picture about gymnasts. Don't judge me.

On a related note - I was recently asked why I've chosen to leave some things off my blog - i.e. stuff about guys - and I simply said to the person that it's mainly because when I write stuff here it's to basically journal but because people are reading it - a sense of judgement can come out based on what they're reading and rather than be judged for something that usually in my opinion isn't worthy of being judged for, I'm leaving it out. I find the older I get, the more difficult it becomes for me to tell things to people and even my friends without them judging me in the back of their minds. Sad but true. You don't expect your friends to judge you - you expect them to accept you for all your wonderful qualities and your shortcomings too. No one is perfect....there's some quote somewhere that says, "judge not lest ye be judged" - from the bible I think?

But back to the top quote(s)....I've been pondering who I am lately and what it is I hope to continue to be. Right now, I'm a graduate student who's got a million and one things going on. I feel as though I'm too old for this shit sometimes. I can't wait to have a normal job again. Possibly odd to some but true. Right now, I'm stressed so I've been forgetting things. I'm trying to make lists so I don't forget but you know how that goes...I forget to put things on my list! Ha. I'm also trying to make money every which way.

I have a long list of things to accomplish before the end of this month....time to get started!

Double Your Pleasure...Double Your Fun....

Twice in one day.

I've blogged twice and three times in one day. But seriously. I am starting to melt.

I really need to either have a two hour sob-fest or I need to go all rambo on something. Anyone own a gun and want to take me to a shooting range? I wouldn't actually shoot anyone - just need to release some tension! And no, it's not pent up sexual frustration. Trust me.

I'll let you in on a little secret....which is actually a big secret....

I have....NO. IDEA. WHAT. I'M. DOING. WITH. MY. LIFE.

Just when I thought I might actually be heading down the right path with my life...I start thinking I might not be.

It's moments like these when I question myself - why did I ever leave television? Why did I ever leave florida? What possessed me to make these drastic changes in my life?

I think back on the time when I did make these decisions and I find it weird that I changed my whole life when things were actually going so well.

-I had steady freelance work with the possibility of more coming my way.
-I wasn't missing PA because I was loving living in Florida and the foundation of friends I had built whom I still miss every day. Despite the lessening of communication, I know they miss me and they always ask me to move back.

-Although I had a boyfriend but was dating him from a distance and it ended up not working out in the end (ha), that was not a reason I chose to move back here. I knew I wanted to get back involved with school somehow. Why didn't I look into UCF? or UF or some other school down there? Was it because I didn't think I could afford it? Because if I'm able to live on my own (albeit it financial burdens but I'm still doing it) now - had I stayed and gone to school there AND kept freelancing - I probably would've been fine.

Ultimately, I made the decision to move back to PA. I do love this area. I do love being able to see my family more. I won't deny that being here has been great. I'm coaching - which we all know is a true love of mine. I'm working with new people all the time - which is a great opportunity for me to keep networking. I made new friends - again - but still stay connected with old ones even if I don't get to see them all the time. I'm doing the best I can and yet some how I still feel as though I'm missing something.

Am I weird because I feel lost? Shouldn't I feel like I'm heading in the right direction? Why do I suddenly feel as though every decision I'm making is questionable and why do I suddenly feel as though I want to run away and never look back?

The part in which I have a nervous breakdown....

I've been holding it together pretty well. At least, I think I have.

I'm extremely guilty of holding in my emotions WAY too much. This time is no exception.

The last few nights I've had a lot of different dreams. Last night I had a doozie of a dream. I've told y'all about them before and although I'm not going to divulge the details at this moment....let's just say this one kind of put me over the edge. I feel as though I need someone to help me wipe my subconscious from having dreams about this particular person. It does me no favors and actually upsets. A LOT.

Figured out who it is yet?

Aside from the stupidest dreams in the world....my life is completely topsy turvy right now. I feel like I'm going in a million different directions but am completely still.

I got an email from the director of Student Teaching yesterday telling me she received some paperwork for clearances at LM. LM has my clearances. Not only that, but I'm an employee there. The director of ST basically told me, "I hope you know how to handle this".....which, of course, sent me into an anxious spiral downward. For those that know my SINGLE issue that I have on my record...I can't imagine a school wouldn't let me student teach when I ALREADY WORK FOR THEM! I've been trying to calm myself and dispel the anxiety but it doesn't really seem to be working.

Along with that....I'm completely worried about my sister. It's kind of all my dad and I talk about these days. And he does ask me about me...but I feel like my life is kind of taking a back seat these days. Just in general...not because of anything else.

I can't focus. I can't make up a decision.

On top of which, I've been discussing some things with a few friends lately about guys. Yep. It wouldn't be a Katiefitz post without something about guys.

Truth be told...it has been SO long since I've been in a real relationship that even if a guy wanted to date me...I really wouldn't know what to do or how to be. Some people tell me that it'll be natural and you won't feel like you have to change too much. But is that really true? I find myself in situations where I am perfectly content with going home to myself. I find myself being attracted to guys who are completely unavailable because I am too and I know if I find someone as busy as me, then I won't have to feel badly that I'm not willing to make time for them......sounds terrible but it's where I'm at right now.

But then...how does that change? Because, you see, I do want all those things. I want a boyfriend...I want the eventual marriage...I want kids too. How do I make the transition from this life to a different one? Or have I gotten myself so engrained in the single life that I might never get out? It makes me anxious thinking about it.....

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”~Oprah Winfrey

So much for that....

Yeah...I couldn't do it....I didn't even make it two days....but I can start over! Which I am going to...today. Ha.

I really...ugh. I just needed a drink after this weekend. I really did.

Forget the fact that the Phillies lost - which is clearly a good reason to drink but after what I had to deal with....omg.

So I thought moving out of my mother's house meant that I wouldn't have to deal with the problems that are at home now....turns out they're just amplified by like a billion. And maybe this makes me sound like a terrible daughter/sister - but when the family issues that really have nothing to do with me start interfering with my social life, I start to get really annoyed.

This weekend, for example: Friday night I was out with my friend Habby - just hanging at a bar watching baseball. I get a phone call. From my dad. About my sister. And how she and my mother just had a huge fight. You wanna know what it was about?

Books. How Kelly has all these books still in storage. How my mom wants to get rid of the storage space. How Kelly needs to do something with her stuff. Bleh bleh bleh. But the kicker - why my dad called me - and then my sister promptly texted me - was twofold:

Dad: Kate, your sister is hysterical. I don't know what to do with her. I told her to bring her stuff to my house but she's not listening to me. Call her and calm her down. (keep in mind, I'm at the bar).

Text from Kel: Mom just had a hissy fit at me. I'm so miserable. I need to get out of this house.

Both of which I replied that she could come to stay with me. She ended up not coming out Friday night - but the invitation was still there Saturday.

A little backstory to this - LAST Friday - the same exact thing happened. Kelly got home from her therapy session and my mom instantly blew up on her. She, again, declined to come out and stay with me....so this was kind of building up.

Saturday morning rolls around and I call Kelly to see if she's okay...she said my mother has been ignoring her all morning and said probably two things to her. I told her - then ignore her back. She's only as strong as the power you give her. Kelly can't seem to do that - so she folded and another fight broke out.

Meanwhile - I was planning on going downtown to watch the Phillies on Saturday but then - of course - I get a hysterical phone call - it's my sister. She's beside herself. I tell her to come over and at first she hesitates but then decides shes going to. I then spend the rest of the afternoon - and all through the phillies - consoling her.

So you can imagine - not only did I not get to watch the first game....but even after having tickets to the second game (of which I thought would cheer her up)...they lost. Needless to say it was a frustrating weekend.

And some of you might be thinking...it's not your problem Katie...it's not. But listen....when you have someone you care about that is on the verge of possibly hurting themselves and knowing you didn't do anything in the past to help another person who was just as depressed...of which resulted in not one but two losses of life...you kind of drop everything to help them. Especially if it's your sister.

I'm really worried about her. Her physical health is terrible. Her mental health is....not that much better. She's started seeing a therapist but I'm very worried that she's formulating the wrong ideas in her head. It's her life and I know she can make it through...I just don't want her to take the easy way out - especially when I know she's been hinting at it. She is SO emotional and fragile. I honestly don't remember being this way when I was depressed. I feel as though I'm not helping enough or doing enough. I worry that if I don't contact her every day - something could go wrong and I'll blame myself.

Yes, I realize I need to keep living my life and yes I realize it really isn't my problem...but you tell me...if your sister/brother or a best friend were THIS depressed....and they reached out for help....wouldn't you do anything you could to help them?

I'm gonna try something....

and it might sound a bit crazy...because as soon as you all read this you'll be like...what!!!!????

For 1 month - I'm not going to drink any kind of alcohol.

Yes, I know the playoffs start today. Yes, I know there's a lot of stuff going on in October that would suggest having a beer or two.....and I even went and bought some wine the other night.

Ok, maybe I'll just drink wine. At home. On occasion. But honestly - I workout so hard that drinking kind of just negates everything I do and it's starting to piss me off.

For example, yesterday I ran 13.5 miles. I had 5 beers last night. There goes that calorie burn. Seriously. Now don't get me wrong, I don't run for the calorie burn - that's just a bonus. But honestly - I am not doing myself any favors by drinking.

It's just a thought. I'm gonna see how far I get this month without drinking....