So live ya life....

You steady chasin' that paper
Just live your life....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If there's one thing that February has taught me it's that things can change in the blink of an eye. What was once something you could've been so sure about...can be taken away from you because of someone else's unsureness. What was once a steady job, can be taken away in the snap of a finger because of overages on budgets.

Let's just say - I WILL BE EXTREMELY HAPPY ONCE FEBRUARY IS GONE! It just always seems to fall that way with me. Last February wasn't that great either:-( - remember the Football Fiasco? Yeah - well - this time around - different shit - same shitty outcome.

I got a call this afternoon from my "steady" freelance gig at GC. Turns out they went over on budgets so far this year and told me they won't need me next week. Who knows if they'll need me the week after that! And while I'm kind of bummed about it - in a way - I'm almost kind of like - well - maybe everything is falling in to place the way it should be?

And I'm done talking about the guy situation right now. I think I effed up royally last night - another story, another time. I don't want to keep letting it interfere with me "living my life"!

So right now I'm in Dallas for this Cheer shoot this weekend - I get back to Orlando on Monday. No work all week. I guess it gives me a chance to work on my workouts:-) Only plus. That also reminds me that I need to email my latest invoice so I can get some cay-sh.

le sigh. "right now, hey, it's your tomorrow. right now, come on its everything. right now. catch you magic moment do it right here and now it means everything!" Funny that that song comes on just as I'm writing this. More and more I am believing that God has a plan for me - bigger than the plans I had for myself. I never really thought it might be possible that my fate doesn't rest in my own hands...but Im starting to think that there is only so much we can do with what we're given...and from there we work through the stuff that's given to us. No? maybe I'm talking out of my ass...but seriously..."what am I waiting for?!"

My life has already started. Im in the moment. Im in the process of living my life. It's time to start doing instead of saying, "well maybe this" or "maybe that". I need to just do it.

I am determined to turn these negatives into positives!

what a difference a week makes....

Two! Count them! TWO days that I've gone where I haven't cried. I'm pretty proud of myself. To be honest, I think I'm all cried out. Not that I'm still not sad....but....it's time to stop crying. It's time to figure some shiz out...and keep going.

Duh katie, everyone's been telling you this. Yeah well...I never claimed to be "with it" all the time. Some times I'm a little slow on the uptake. That being said....I'm not over the situation. It's still there - but I'm trying to compartmentalize it...my dad said it best to me last night, "It's running your life right now katie and you can't keep letting it do that" He's right - on so many levels.

As for the actual situation, well, it's the same as it was....just less crying on my end. I don't know how much more I'm going to talk about it on here....I just kind of feel like I've said everything I needed/wanted to say. It's all the same shiz anyway....so no one wants to keep rereading it - I certainly want to stop talking about it. We do still talk though - so, yeah, there's that.

As for other going's on!

I did yoga for the second time last night. I really think I've found a new love! I really like the way my body feels after the workout. I've been using the P90X DVD's that my roommate has - it's pretty effin tough! There's a few studios here in O-town that I'm thinking about going to - now that I kind of have the whole thing down. There's a Bikram one and just a regular one. They're pretty reasonably priced - so we'll see. I think I'll look into it after I get back from Dallas.

I applied for Teach for America a few weeks ago. I did not get "accepted" so to speak. They ask about doing a second interview. Meh - whatev's. I'm not heartbroken about it. BUT! Kelly got the phone interview! So lots of good thoughts to her! I'm super duper stoked for her.

I went to church on Sunday and am planning on going again tonight. Today is Ash Wednesday, for all those non-catholics....which means, it's the start of LENT. And boy do I have a doozy of a statement coming up. The idea behind Lent is a call to share in the suffering love of Jesus, especially by giving up sin and sinful attitudes and walking in the path of love and service. The season begins with Ash Wednesday
, when the priest smears ash on the foreheads of Christians as a reminder that we are created from dust and to dust we shall return. Now, I am by no means a fully fledged follower of Christianity/Catholicism anymore, but I do still go to Unity Church (which I can tell you had done wonders for my person esteem and faith) and there is an Ash Wednesday service tonight. Im planning on going. As the description says, the idea is to give something up for Lent that is "sinful". When I was younger, I can remember giving up pizza on fridays, or candy or something really tough for kids to do. It's amazing how as I've gotten older, I am giving up the same things I did as a kid. This Lenten season, I am giving up sweets and drinking. YIKES! I did just say that. Am I doing this for Lent? Not necessarily. Am I doing this for better health and to save money? YES YES YES! Lent is just something to "blame" it on. HA! Its hard enough being an adult and telling people you don't drink that much - atleast now I can blame it on something else....and when it comes to religion...people don't question it.

I think it's interesting that people will question your desire to do anything until you say its for your religion or its because of your faith. In my experience, as soon as I say something like that, people automatically do not question it. In a way I think it's kind of nice because as we know, we live in America and we're all entitled to believe in whatever we want....but in a way, it's kind of sad too. I don't think people talk enough about religion. I think people are afraid of it. Religion and Religious History is SO fascinating to me. I mean, entire civilizations were created and destroyed due to it! How does that not fascinate people? I don't know, I guess I'm alone in that.

But I digress.....other ongoings....I'm heading to Dallas this weekend for another Cheer event. It's gonna be crazy busy - but at least its something to keep my mind off of things. Just gotta get through today and tomorrow and I need to figure out how I'm getting to the airport on Friday Morning - I'm thinking I should just get a taxi - but ah, who knows.

Anyway - let's try to go for three days in a row - although - I am going to church tonight so I think the streak might be over.

It's just one of those days...

When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks
You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those questions? Yep. They've been "answered". Why do I put it like that? Well, because I don't really believe any of them.

Why I don't believe them:
1. How do you tell someone you don't think you're falling in love with them when actions completely speak louder than words. When you call, text, write, IM, visit...and those are all fantastic. When you tell them you miss them, and need them and can't be without them. When you make plans for future events together....and then the next day, decide it's better to be friends? What are we? IN HIGH SCHOOL!? WHO THE EF SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! How can you know in 3 months if you're falling in love with someone that you don't see that often? I have friends that have been dating for longer than that and STILL don't know if they're in love with the person....but that doesn't mean they don't think there isn't anything there. CLEARLY, there is something there between me and him. CLEARLY. Why else would I be "different" than all the rest of his friends? How does that make sense? He's attracted to me. "Im hot" or so he says. Gee, thanks. Awesome consolation. But you mean to tell me that you'd be entirely ok with JUST hanging around me - and nothing more?


2. Nothing else, apparently, was the cause or effect of us breaking up. The distance - yeah apparently that was kind of a factor. Personally - it's a huge factor. Why were things better in the beginning (as he says) and they are different now? Oh GEE I DON'T KNOW?! MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE WE WENT FROM INTENSE CONSTANT TIME TOGETHER TO ONLY SEEING EACH OTHER ONCE A MONTH. But no, what am I thinking. That's not it. That's silly Katie. Because see, you should totally know in three months if you can fall in love with someone you hardly ever see. Yeah - of course. What was I thinking. I'm the idiot.

3. He says he can/wants to just be friends with me. I think it's a pattern. He claims he's a jealous person by nature and that even if I started dating someone else, despite knowing he'd be jealous, he would be okay with it. Well riddle me this effing enigma...if you claim that's true - then how is it I am no different than your other girl friends? Oh but I am? Just because? What the eff does that mean asshole?
3a. Why do I think it's a pattern? Because he's had intimate interactions with friends of his that are girls, and dated a few (maybe just the one - not sure)....either way. I really don't know that he knows how to separate those feelings. How to separate him feeling like a friend toward someone and feeling more than a friend toward someone.



Those are the clearest reasons I have right now for knowing that his "reasons" are complete bullshit. I got answers. I was prepared for answers I didn't want to hear...but I am SO ANGRY that he thinks he can just know if he's going to fall in love with me...and to put a three month time limit on it - that THAT's how he would know. What an effing stupid answer. I told him I just knew there was something between us. He asked me how I knew - I said - the same way you knew there was. There just is. It clicks with us.

As we talked last night - both of us said similar things about what our friends said to us, " I don't understand why you're so upset...you were only dating for three months". Am I the ONLY ONE that thinks that maybe, just MAYBE that's a clue into how he actually feels about me? I know how I feel about him. I still want him in my life...but just as a friend? I don't know that I can do that. Right now, for as honest as he is trying to be with me...he is not my friend. To me, he will never be JUST A FRIEND. And to be honest, I think on his side, he knows it too. He needs to effing grow the ef up - and stop saying "I don't know" and figure it out.

I'm really pissed off.

All at once....

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
~The Fray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe I'm being a little narcissistic in thinking that this song applies to me and the situation I'm in right now...maybe I'm just trying to be hopeful about the situation. I don't know. But what I do know is this:

- I am sad. So sad that I can't even muster a genuine smile.
- I have AMAZING friends. They always say that you know who your true friends are when you're going through tough times - I am so lucky to have people I can call at 1, 2, 3 in the morning if I wake up and cry or want to call him but know I can't, so I call them instead.
- I am pretty numb. I ran 9 miles yesterday without skipping a beat. Normally - I would be dead after that. But somehow, I wasn't tired. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't anything. I don't feel anything. Except sadness.
- He hasn't called. I have my doubts that he will. Why should he? He did the easiest thing in the world. He broke up with me - and knew I would be "out of sight, out of mind" because I was leaving to come back here to Florida. I guess the only positive aspect of it was that he didn't do it over the phone. That, was horrible.
- I am sad....oh did I say that already? Yeah, well. I am.
- I can't listen to anything but angry music. Sad music makes me cry. Happy music makes me cry. I am going to fall to pieces the first time I hear our song randomly. I heard "his" song the other day on the plane right back down here. I think everyone else on the plane thought someone died.
- I still carry my box of tissues with me everywhere I go. I never know when the crying is going to start.
- Mornings and nights are the hardest - Mornings, because I know I'm not with him anymore. Nights - because that was the time we would talk. Last night was horrible. It so much willpower to not call him.
- I'm really upset by the fact that despite it only having been a day and a half, he hasn't called me or attempted to contact me. He must not care as much as he said he did.


I declined going to work yesterday. I just didn't know if I could manage it. I'm here today. I'm working. I'm listening to my angry music. I'm numb. I'm just going through the motions today. I really don't want to be around people because my heart is ALL OVER MY FACE. I don't want people to talk to me. I don't want people to give me hugs - hugs make me cry immediately.

I have so many questions. So many unanswered things. I am SO completely confused about the entire situation. I have no idea how you go from making plans with someone for the next few months - to saying you just need to be friends. Was he saying those things just because he knew it'd make me happy? What the eff. I deserve honesty. I deserve answers. And I sure as shit don't need to feel like I'm not important or even worthy of a phone call.

I have a busy few months ahead. I decided yesterday to make all my weekends busy until the next time I go home...which, ironically enough but not really, is the weekend of April 17th. His birthday. See, I had planned on surprising him that weekend. Whatever. I'll just keep myself busy. Maybe I'll go up to New York that weekend, or maybe I'll try to make it another girls weekend for jackie and netty and me. All I know is that I'm going to have to stay busy.

Im just so confused, and hurt, and sad, and don't understand any of this. I don't want any of this.

Just Dance....

Let that record play....do do do do Just Dance...

~~~~~~~~~~

Guilty Admission #1:
I have been seriously slacking in my working out/running routines.

#2:
I also haven't really been eating all that well. And by that I mean probably not enough (I do it to counter balance #1)

#3:
As much as #1 and #2 bother me - they really don't.

~~~~~~~~~
Maybe it's because I'm getting older and I'm seeing what really matters in life. I thought about it the other day, and I've had people come and go and the good ones stay...but I've been all shapes and sizes, and people still like me for who I am. I know, and have known this...but most of the times people tell themselves that, and don't really listen to it. I am/was one of those people.

I have this theory - and not really a theory per say because I know it's pretty much a fact - You can tell yourself anything you want and eventually you'll believe it. It might not actually be true (especially if you're telling yourself a lie), but most of the times the things we tell ourselves are things we believe to be a reality.

For example.....When I was in college, I used to tell myself that the only way I was good enough was if I had good grades, was skinny, and didn't get into trouble. Then my parents would be happy. What I didn't think of at the time was that my parents would be happy with me no matter what - because they love me and love who I am.

Another example: You can totally lead yourself to believe you're sick. By simply saying, "I think I'm getting sick" - the idea is nested in your head - and if you continue to think it, it most likely get's worse. The idea is to tell yourself, " I am a happy and healthy human being" and then go take some vitamin c or go to the doctors and nip it in the bud!

Yet another example (directly relating to this post): I will not suffer any kind of major problem if I don't workout once or twice or hell even at all during the week. I know I am motivated to work out - So even though I still call someone to tell me it's "okay" to not workout - or even justify the fact that I'm on my 14th day in a row of work and it's totally fine that I didn't get up and run this morning because I wanted to sleep - I know it'll be ok - because nothing changes except maybe the tightness of my jeans today - and you know what - oh well. Whether I'm a size 6 or a size 24 - I'm cool with the person I am on the inside and that's enough for me. I just have to keep telling myself - you're doing ok katie. You're doing ok.

And if all else fails.....JUST DANCE!:-)