all the violent, sweet words that you said....
It's been one of those weekends. I talked to my dad for at least an hour last night. I've had a great couple of weeks - but I think Saturday it just kind of all came tumbling down....and I don't mean like my life collapsed ...but just the high I was on, ended.
I felt REALLY lonely yesterday. I was surrounded by people but felt entirely alone. It happens to me some times. Something is clouding my thoughts right now. I know this because I've been having anxiety attacks. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and too early in the morning....with knots in my stomach and heart palpitations. I haven't felt like this since college - I don't know exactly the reason. There could be a lot of culprits. Here's what I have it narrowed down to:
1. There have been a lot of firings at work. Not that I'm on that list but it's still pretty unnerving that these people are being let go and it makes me - in some ways - concerned for my job.
2. I am stagnant. I told myself a long time ago that I wanted to go back to school for my PhD or another Masters degree. It's now been almost four years since I've been finished with my M.A. I think I'm antsy in getting to that next point in my life.
3. Going along with the second reason - my personal life has had kind of a shake up in the last few months....which is great! But, and this goes back to previous posts, I still worry that despite recent changes - I'm going to end up alone and enjoying all these wonderful things I'm doing with my life - ALL. BY. MY. SELF.
4. To tangent off of 3.....there is this guy. It's new...and part of me almost feels like it's too good to be true. He and I seem to be on the same page as far as - well - everything. There, of course, is a kink in the rope.....he lives in PA and I live in FL. Awesome.
I'm going home for Thanksgiving in less than 2 weeks and I anticipate a lot of things going on. I'm running a Half Marathon - which I'm totally stoked for btw - the run is an amazing scenic run. Yay for that. Jackie's birthday is the 24th - so obviously good times to be had by all:-) aren't they always when I go home? I'm hoping to see Netty and Reagan too - and I've made loose plans to hang out with Drew and Mike from high school...as well as a few others. Thanksgiving is most likely going to be spend at my Aunt Patty's - mmmmm butternut squash soup:-) I love home this time of year. The 10 days are sure to be packed and I guarantee lots of fun. Including actually meeting this guy for the first time.
This goes without saying - I'm nervous. Like I said, it almost seems too good to be true. I like him....a lot. And based on what I know and have heard...he likes me...a lot. All good things. So why can't you just let it be Katie????? Why can't you just go with the flow?! I wish I knew. I guess it just happens to me - I get nervous about things I am really excited about. What if he meets me and is like - you don't look anything like your pictures....or what if what we have via long distance doesn't translate in person? What if I don't like him? (which I highly doubt because - like I said - we're so on the same page).
I've been weighing a lot of options for myself. A lot. Grad school. Work. Friends. Family. Besides the fact that I've convinced Kelly to move to Florida.....I can't really leave right now. I guess part of me always thought I'd move back to the Philly area....just...kind of didn't want to believe it. I mean. It's home. I guess it's why I go back so much. I have to thank most of my friends for being there too....cause I really wouldn't go back as often if it weren't for Jackie or Netty - and of course my family - but that would most likely just be holidays (ok that's a total lie).
I love where I grew up. I loved the childhood I had. I had an awesome experience in my neighborhood. It's actually a story that I've always thought belonged in a novel or as a movie. When I describe it to people - they almost don't believe me...and really - why should they believe me? It really sounds like something someone would make up. It's definitely a story for another time....
But until then...I'm off to church to hope and work on making myself a more complete person entirely.
Holy Cow I'm In The Now!
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