Unfortunately, I feel a little lost right now. This post isn't going to be a "woe is me post" but rather a clear assessment of "what's good", "what's okay" and "what needs to come around".
I've mentioned in a few prior posts that I feel kind of stagnant....kind of....misplaced in a way. I have so many options and yet none at all. So...without further adieu:
"What's Good"
-September is almost over - this is especially good because this has not been the most spectacular month for me. With the beginning of the month starting the way it did...I'm ready for October.
-Coaching - always a good thing. I still love it just as much and even though the red group doesn't listen to me, the blues wish I was there every day - "so I got that goin' for me"
-School - is remarkably easy this semester (hope I'm not jinxing myself with that)
-The Phillies are in the Playoffs AGAIN!!! YEAH BABY! Hoping to get to a few games this post season.
"What's Okay"
-I'm taking the GRE's in about two weeks - so I can apply to Graduate school at UPenn and Temple. I've studied a bit for them - still need to do more.
-Social life - or lack there of. I can't totally complain about this because I don't have a job, so not doing anything is beneficial because I'm not spending money but there are some things that I'd really like to do in order to change this.
-Dating - I haven't been on any real dates since the Spring and once Summer started I decided to just put that all on hold because I wanted to just have a good time. I think I went on a date last Tuesday...to the Phillies game. It was fun. But. I don't know if I'm that into him. He's already asked me out again....twice. I'm not sure. Jackie says, go for it.....I mean, I'll definitely go out with him again.
"What needs to come around" aka "change"
-Living at home - if this seriously doesn't change, I don't know what I'm going to do. My sanity is not thriving at all. It's negative negative negative. Nothing but complaints. Which begs me to ask.....can't you find ANYTHING good to say? I'm not against venting but when you're in a situation that you KNOW you can change....DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I'm so tired of people saying they're stuck. WE ALL HAVE CHOICES. You might not like the choices you have, but you have them.
-My financial/job situation - I've got the word out to MANY people about this. They all know I'm looking and need money. Right now.....I am spending money I don't really have. I hateses money. And I despise the fact that it runs the way I have to do things. I'm working to change this but I know it's tough out there for everyone - so I'm definitely realistic.
-Dealing with my anxiety/anger - lately I've had a lot of this. Working out seems like the logical release but since I do this every day - it doesn't really have the same effect on me as it would someone else. Suggestions?
I'd like to put this one in with the "change" category - but it doesn't involve everyone. I don't know WHAT is up with some of my guy friends lately but WTF. And I truly mean...WTF. I understand being busy. I even understand plans changing. But seriously - just be honest with me. I'm so tired of people thinking "oh katie will be ok with it...she'll forgive me." I'm just so tired of it. I'm pretty tired with, what seems like, always being the last to know. I'm so over with making the attempts to be the one that bridges the distance. OVER IT.
How do you stop caring? Because inevitably, I just do. I feel lost. I wish I knew which direction to go. I wish I knew the right course of action (which I suppose is the beauty and curse of life with choices).
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
If I Had Eyes in The Back of My Head....
Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time
Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin
~Jack Johnson
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I was looking back on a bunch of my old posts and stumbled upon the list of "100 Things About Me". It was interesting to read it now, two years later. So much has changed....particularly the one thing I wrote "I have never had someone close to me die" and "I've only been to one funeral". In the last year...we all know this as changed. But I don't want to make this a bummy post.
As you can imagine...the subject is a Jack Johnson song...but in reality the main concept of the song is essentially the saying, "hindsight is 20/20". We all have a tendency to "look back" on the past and often times dwell on it too much. I'm working on this. As I work on a lot of things in my life....regrets have never been a big aspect in my life. Somewhere there is another saying, "I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." I'm hoping to do some of the things in my life I really WANT to do.
Some of the other things on all my "lists" that seemingly come back time and time again are: Backpacking Europe, Getting my PhD, having a family, getting married, etc....in no particular order. These are all things I know I can do. I'm going to work hard to do them!
In the last few weeks I've noticed how much my family complains. Complaining about what they don't have. Complaining about the circumstances their in. Complaining about pretty much everything. It is unnerving to hear people who are so "well off" (and I obviously mean this in a way in which they are not desolate or living in africa with no food), complain. Where is there perspective? Why am I the only one in my family that seems to get that it could always be a lot worse?
Perspective. It's possibly an idealistic concept yet completely based in reality. Without perspective, how are we to know where we stand? Rational people tend to be able to put things into perspective more readily (read: easily). Irrational people tend to jump to extremes in ALL situations. And I realize irrationality is brought about by stress. But then, which do you attempt to do first? Create a less stressful environment or put things into perspective in order to create a less stressful thought process? Or...are they simultaneous?
It's funny - you'd think that perspetive and patience would go hand in hand. I wish they would for me. I have trouble with my patience but have complete perspective on the events of my life. Why can't I just have a little bit of patience with the lack of perspective that some people have?
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time
Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin
~Jack Johnson
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was looking back on a bunch of my old posts and stumbled upon the list of "100 Things About Me". It was interesting to read it now, two years later. So much has changed....particularly the one thing I wrote "I have never had someone close to me die" and "I've only been to one funeral". In the last year...we all know this as changed. But I don't want to make this a bummy post.
As you can imagine...the subject is a Jack Johnson song...but in reality the main concept of the song is essentially the saying, "hindsight is 20/20". We all have a tendency to "look back" on the past and often times dwell on it too much. I'm working on this. As I work on a lot of things in my life....regrets have never been a big aspect in my life. Somewhere there is another saying, "I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." I'm hoping to do some of the things in my life I really WANT to do.
Some of the other things on all my "lists" that seemingly come back time and time again are: Backpacking Europe, Getting my PhD, having a family, getting married, etc....in no particular order. These are all things I know I can do. I'm going to work hard to do them!
In the last few weeks I've noticed how much my family complains. Complaining about what they don't have. Complaining about the circumstances their in. Complaining about pretty much everything. It is unnerving to hear people who are so "well off" (and I obviously mean this in a way in which they are not desolate or living in africa with no food), complain. Where is there perspective? Why am I the only one in my family that seems to get that it could always be a lot worse?
Perspective. It's possibly an idealistic concept yet completely based in reality. Without perspective, how are we to know where we stand? Rational people tend to be able to put things into perspective more readily (read: easily). Irrational people tend to jump to extremes in ALL situations. And I realize irrationality is brought about by stress. But then, which do you attempt to do first? Create a less stressful environment or put things into perspective in order to create a less stressful thought process? Or...are they simultaneous?
It's funny - you'd think that perspetive and patience would go hand in hand. I wish they would for me. I have trouble with my patience but have complete perspective on the events of my life. Why can't I just have a little bit of patience with the lack of perspective that some people have?
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~ J.K. Rowling
The Things of Which I am Certain:
- I will always want to exercise, even on days I CHOOSE to take off.
- If there is a cloud in the sky, my mother will undoubtedly say, “It looks like it’s going to rain”
- The office will always be my favorite tv show (yes, even when it’s over).
- My theory – People who do not like The Office are not smart to get the humor.
- Music will always have the ability to affect my mood.
- I have a strong desire to leave it all behind and travel. Forget the consequences and just GO.
- Good Music should evoke some kind of emotion.
- Don’t make plans for your life, they will just go topsy-turvy the minute you attempt to put those plans in action.
- Life has a funny way of balancing things out.
- The friends you had when you were younger are the ones you need to hold on to for your future. They’re the ones that will ground you when you’ve gone too far above the clouds.
- The friends you make when you’re older will undoubtedly be the ones you will know the best because you’ll know yourself the best at this time.
- College is a time for fun and freedom – regardless of whether it feels like you’re held back. Just go. Do. Be. Live.
- Kindness is a fashion trend that never goes out of style.
- I will ALWAYS have to work on my patience.
- I will work continuously to NOT be like my mother.
- I will work continuously to be like my mother.
- I will work continuously to be my own person.
- You know that saying, “do your best” – some days, I know I don’t.
- I like sex.
- I love kissing. But hugs are the epitome of affection. The proper hug can make you rejoice and/or well up tears of sadness in milliseconds.
- It is never a bad idea to reflect on your life to try to figure out who you are and what you want.
- Two glasses of wine gets me drunk (even if I have eaten).
- Three beers gets me buzzed. If I haven’t eaten, it gets me drunk.
- If I am drinking mixed drinks and one of them has tequila and the others don’t, I will not remember the rest of the night.
- I will always look back on my time in Orlando with some of the best memories.
- Rachel and Troy’s Death will always affect the way I think about things and people. I miss them.
- I constantly worry that I am not on the right path.....but what is the right path anyway?
- Regardless of what I say, I DO look for validation (not always) of my appearance from men (awful I know).
- I will always want: The house. The family. The lifestyle many people dream of when they're little......
- My recovery from the ED is a blessing and a curse all at the same - helping others who struggle show's me that I was strong enough to overcome and how far I've come.
- I will always know the caloric amount in almost all of the food I eat.
- I have a type (read: kind of guy I am attracted to).
- I will always believe that human beings are innately good - despite the harm and evil that corrupt our world.
- I will always want to exercise, even on days I CHOOSE to take off.
- If there is a cloud in the sky, my mother will undoubtedly say, “It looks like it’s going to rain”
- The office will always be my favorite tv show (yes, even when it’s over).
- My theory – People who do not like The Office are not smart to get the humor.
- Music will always have the ability to affect my mood.
- I have a strong desire to leave it all behind and travel. Forget the consequences and just GO.
- Good Music should evoke some kind of emotion.
- Don’t make plans for your life, they will just go topsy-turvy the minute you attempt to put those plans in action.
- Life has a funny way of balancing things out.
- The friends you had when you were younger are the ones you need to hold on to for your future. They’re the ones that will ground you when you’ve gone too far above the clouds.
- The friends you make when you’re older will undoubtedly be the ones you will know the best because you’ll know yourself the best at this time.
- College is a time for fun and freedom – regardless of whether it feels like you’re held back. Just go. Do. Be. Live.
- Kindness is a fashion trend that never goes out of style.
- I will ALWAYS have to work on my patience.
- I will work continuously to NOT be like my mother.
- I will work continuously to be like my mother.
- I will work continuously to be my own person.
- You know that saying, “do your best” – some days, I know I don’t.
- I like sex.
- I love kissing. But hugs are the epitome of affection. The proper hug can make you rejoice and/or well up tears of sadness in milliseconds.
- It is never a bad idea to reflect on your life to try to figure out who you are and what you want.
- Two glasses of wine gets me drunk (even if I have eaten).
- Three beers gets me buzzed. If I haven’t eaten, it gets me drunk.
- If I am drinking mixed drinks and one of them has tequila and the others don’t, I will not remember the rest of the night.
- I will always look back on my time in Orlando with some of the best memories.
- Rachel and Troy’s Death will always affect the way I think about things and people. I miss them.
- I constantly worry that I am not on the right path.....but what is the right path anyway?
- Regardless of what I say, I DO look for validation (not always) of my appearance from men (awful I know).
- I will always want: The house. The family. The lifestyle many people dream of when they're little......
- My recovery from the ED is a blessing and a curse all at the same - helping others who struggle show's me that I was strong enough to overcome and how far I've come.
- I will always know the caloric amount in almost all of the food I eat.
- I have a type (read: kind of guy I am attracted to).
- I will always believe that human beings are innately good - despite the harm and evil that corrupt our world.
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