Just the way you are.....

Anyone like that Bruno Mars song? It's one of my favorite jams at the moment. Yes, I just said "jams" and no, I'm not apologizing for it. I work with high school/middle schoolers.....I have to have the lingo down! :-)

It got me to thinking....that song....stick with me here....Lately, I've definitely come more into my own. By this I mean I'm more confident in the person I am - Just the way I am. I don't make excuses for the things I like or dislike. I don't feel the need to justify to people why I want to do things or not do things. I'm liking this version of myself. Maybe it's the Katie that I always was, just took me awhile to find it. I think it takes all of your 20's to realize that.

Speaking of all of my 20's...I have been very lackadaisical about finishing my 30 in 30. Suggestions? Keep them coming....I need at least 12 more....

I was thinking the other day - as I was driving - how different November was compared to September (remember that month? It was a terrible one for me)....and yes, I skipped over October...that still wasn't the greatest month either. But November. November is by far the best of the Fall months (so far). Weird that we're on the cusp of December - TOMORROW! Can you believe it?! 2010 is almost over. I feel like I haven't even accomplished nearly half of the things I wanted to. Cest la vie, right? It happens. Life gets in the way...or as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

Some updates before I head out for a nice SLOW run (outside, in the cold...eek!):
COACHING
-I still heart it....I'm slowly getting the girls to come around to me. Granted, I have since allowed them to start practicing with their aquatic clubs - hopefully this'll change as the season progresses. You have no idea how difficulty it is for me to compromise on this. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I don't really feel as though in just a week and a half they've given me a chance. But, it is what it is....and maybe in a few weeks time they'll prefer to be at my practices instead of the others...
-It's forcing me to remain more vigilant in my organization. I'm generally pretty organized, but every so often I kind of let it fall by the way-side. I think this'll be good for me in the long run.
-Some of the girls (and the boys) are really receptive to my suggestions in and out of the pool. It's kind of nice....I don't know how else to describe that :-)

SCHOOL
-Had my last class of the semester for Cabrini last night. I was a little displeased since I had to leave coaching early just to go to this class that ended up being about 30 mins. All we ended up doing was handing in a project. Bleh.
-Next semester I have class again on Mondays but it's at 7:15 which is great because then I won't have to worry about leaving practices early.
-I've managed to switch my GPS schedule so I'll be working during the day from 11-2 and then not have to worry about going back there or leaving practice early. This is awesome news! I start this schedule today.

HOME
-My mother has been on a rampage in the last few weeks. She's basically yelling at my sister and I like it's her job. And honestly, right now, it kind of is. She doesn't go back to school until January (OMG kill me now) and so shes bored. She doesn't have anything else going on in her life. I can understand it. I just think she should take her frustrations out on something else....I'm so tired of it. Kelly takes it much harder than I do....I just kind of hand it back to her in a rational way - which makes her realize shes overreacting to a lot of stuff and it's not really us she's mad at. Kelly just kind of gets upset and starts to cry. And I'm not gonna say it's easy to have your mom speak to you the way she does to either of us...but in reality, it's not personal. We just have to kind of realize it.
[[Sidenote: In fact - most of the times when people yell at each other, it's not always because they're mad at YOU, they're mad a the situation they're in. I can 100% say this is the case with my mom. Something else is bothering her and the fact that she has the time to think about everything makes it THAT much more difficult for her to get past the fact that in a year's time, pretty much everything she's yelling about won't matter. It's all about perspective.]]

-My goal is to find a job over the summer so I can finally earn enough money and move out - I don't want to still be there this time next year. I need my own place. Preferably somewhere around the mainline so my commute to LMHS, Baldwin and Cabrini isn't as bad. We'll see how that goes.

MONEY
-yup, still don't have much. And with the holiday's coming up - I'm nervous about being able to buy things for my family. That's all I'm going to say about that.

PAUL COMES HOME ON DECEMBER 24th! YAY! :-D

If I Had Eyes in The Back of My Head....

Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin
~Jack Johnson

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I was looking back on a bunch of my old posts and stumbled upon the list of "100 Things About Me". It was interesting to read it now, two years later. So much has changed....particularly the one thing I wrote "I have never had someone close to me die" and "I've only been to one funeral". In the last year...we all know this as changed. But I don't want to make this a bummy post.

As you can imagine...the subject is a Jack Johnson song...but in reality the main concept of the song is essentially the saying, "hindsight is 20/20". We all have a tendency to "look back" on the past and often times dwell on it too much. I'm working on this. As I work on a lot of things in my life....regrets have never been a big aspect in my life. Somewhere there is another saying, "I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." I'm hoping to do some of the things in my life I really WANT to do.

Some of the other things on all my "lists" that seemingly come back time and time again are: Backpacking Europe, Getting my PhD, having a family, getting married, etc....in no particular order. These are all things I know I can do. I'm going to work hard to do them!

In the last few weeks I've noticed how much my family complains. Complaining about what they don't have. Complaining about the circumstances their in. Complaining about pretty much everything. It is unnerving to hear people who are so "well off" (and I obviously mean this in a way in which they are not desolate or living in africa with no food), complain. Where is there perspective? Why am I the only one in my family that seems to get that it could always be a lot worse?

Perspective. It's possibly an idealistic concept yet completely based in reality. Without perspective, how are we to know where we stand? Rational people tend to be able to put things into perspective more readily (read: easily). Irrational people tend to jump to extremes in ALL situations. And I realize irrationality is brought about by stress. But then, which do you attempt to do first? Create a less stressful environment or put things into perspective in order to create a less stressful thought process? Or...are they simultaneous?

It's funny - you'd think that perspetive and patience would go hand in hand. I wish they would for me. I have trouble with my patience but have complete perspective on the events of my life. Why can't I just have a little bit of patience with the lack of perspective that some people have?

"Life is hard......

it's harder when you're stupid." ~ John Wayne

[[Sidenote: I started writing this post last Thursday...it is now Tuesday Morning and I am finishing the update. Yup. I've been THAT busy]]

I think that quote is so appropriate for me these days. I have just been plain stupid. Not with EVERYTHING...but....enough for it to set me back a few months.

I found out yesterday that I will not be student teaching this spring.

I also found out that I have to take at least FOUR more content area classes before I can attempt said student teaching.

So you can imagine the kinds of things going through my mind last night:
Where will I get the money for this?
How could I have been so stupid to not ask for help when I needed it?
Why must I insist on doing everything myself?
I'm going to have to find a job!
I'll NEVER get to teach! (this was said several times)
WHY ANOTHER SET BACK
I should've stayed in Orlando - so many job opportunities....
Why do I keep making the wrong decisions?
Why did I do this?

Ok, ok, you get the idea. Basically, I was beating myself up. Luckily, Joyce was with me last night (one of the ladies who works in the Grad Office) and she not only calmed me down but helped me to put things into perspective.

It is possible that this is a good thing. I was/am so gung-ho about teaching, I wasn't even really taking the time to enjoy the ride. I just have such a hard time accepting this.

I'm nearly 30 years old. Shouldn't I "have all my ducks in a row" so to speak? I feel so very far behind in my life. No wonder I've resorted to so many adolescent activities this summer. I'm doing my damnest to not grow up....and while some might say you should never grow up....growing up has its advantages.

The things I feel as though I should have by now:
A real job
My own home
I should be paying for ALL of my bills
As much as I'd like to add to this list "having a boyfriend and/or potential spouse", I simply can't. There's really no reason I HAVE to have one. I just want one :-)

Tuesday Morning Post:
So since all the fiasco above, I've calmed down a bit. I've rethought what I might do for the next year and I think I'm pretty happy with it.

I'm heading out to Orlando this afternoon - I can't wait to do nothing for five whole days. I might try to see if some of my friends want to venture to Universal with me...but we'll see how that goes. I really want to see the new Harry Potter. Maybe some of them will play hooky with me.

I'm going to do some major talking with Trish and have a wonderful time with friends for the next five days. Much deserved if you ask me.

I'll be updating more throughout the week...and I need to write a post on the final days at PSC for this summer....so look for that too.

Toodles!