I was Sitting, Waiting, Wishing......

you believed in superstitions,
then maybe you'd see the signs.
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

.....Jack Johnson. Gotta love him. Now I realize this song has a particular (singular) person in mind....but lately - I've been trying to understand why I must always be waiting - "waiting on love". Granted - I haven't really put myself out there in the last few years - mainly because I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it again. That being said - someone reading this who doesn't really know my past would probably think, "gee, what's wrong with her? What happened that made it so hard for her to trust herself to fall for someone else?" Yeah - well - I won't get into exactly who it was - but honestly - pinning it on someone else is a lame excuse - I prefer to say that it was me - because really - it was.

I was the one that wouldn't let others in. I was the one that couldn't see beyond what I had in front of me. I was the one that (in some odd way) still had hopes that things would change. I was also the one that believed that it would just...happen. You know? Like how they say it happens - when you're not looking for it?

I'm venturing into a new world for myself. I'm actually accepting dates with guys and going out with them. I know - amazing - not. I realize this is a normal thing for other girls - but as I was talking with my best friend yesterday - I think I'm just so into my own schedule (and I actually LIKE it) that I have a hard time giving it up for someone who I don't even know is worthy of my time - does that make sense? Like - I'm pretty much at the point in my life where I know what I want - what I want from a guy and what I want for myself with them. Some may see that as picky but I think it's just something I deserve.

Everyone has their "sob stories" so to speak - "I've had a hard life....I went through so much to get to this point....I can't believe I made it to where I am now" bleh bleh. And I don't mean to dismiss them in any way - but really the obstacles we overcome to get to the places we're at in life right now - make us who we are - and I truly believe they help us figure out more of who we are than anything or anyone else could. Yes - a guy broke my heart - but it was the way I overcame that and the way I decided I was going to live my life from that point forward. I have no one to "blame" or "applaud" but myself. I think people forget to applaud for themselves too often.

Example: A friend of mine is looking to change the direction of his life....and he doesn't know how to do it. Flat out. He said, " I just don't know how to start it - can you tell me?" I remember feeling like that. Feeling like I didn't know what to do or where to go. Not just with the direction of my life but moreso with how I was supposed to start seeing guys again. It's all one in the same really. The best way I can put it - and excuse me for stealing their motto but "JUST DO IT". Now is the time - just start and go. GO.

Too often I found myself just sitting and waiting and wishing that something/someone would just come along. Yes - I won't say it NEVER happens. I know it does - but the majority of the time - it doesn't. In the last few years I've realized if I want something/someone - I've just got to go after it and get it. No one will hand it to me - no one will be like "Katie, here's a platter of all the delicious choices of men you have to choose from - if you take platter A you'll get a tall dark and handsome man....or if you choose platter B you'll get a blonde surfer type guy who has the body but no brains". It just doesn't happen (wouldn't that be nice though!).

So I guess in a way I follow up my last post with this one in the same mentality that I just have to "suck it up".

It's scary though. I'm not gonna lie. I'm at the point where I'm contantly reminding myself that just because a guy likes me doesn't mean I have to like him back. Of course guys will like me - I'm awesome:-) I can't lose sight of who I am - I made that mistake once....never again. I refuse to tell myself that my interests are not as important has his - nor will I stop being the sports loving girl that I am. It's exciting too - it's nice to feel liked. It's been awhile since someone - outside of friendship - has genuinely been interested in me.

One day at a time. One day at a time.