the time or place I can't forget...she's just the girl for me..and I want all the world to see we've met....mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.
Yay for Beatles in the morning:-) That song has been my song of the moment - particularly the one from Across The Universe....a movie I watched last week during our Tropical Storm Drenching...of which we had a "hurricane day"....woohoo for "snow days". It kind of brought me back to my childhood (wow - I feel like I should be 85 before I am allowed to say it like that...haha).
Today...I am heading out to Los Angeles to visit my sister and to run a half marathon at Disney. Both of which should be fun..but here is why I am kind of dreading the first.....
You see, Kelly is kind of going through a tough time right now....and while I have realistic expectations as to how she'll respond to my visit and the conversations I'm going to have with her....I also know that the change that she needs can only come from her. She's pretty lost...and she basically wants someone else to take care of all of it for her. The thing is....until she takes control of her own life, everything is going to continue to be bad for her. She's pessimistic. She has no actual positive thinking when it comes to herself or her situation. These things need to change ...because although my father thinks things will get better if she just gets a new job...if she doesn't change her way of thinking first and THEN get a new job...the negativity will stay with her forever and translate to some other problem. Complaining and whining are two of the best ways to be complacent (I am guilty of doing both, aren't we all though?)...and self-pity...which she has quite a lot of....only gets you into a deeper depression. Most people are so self involved, they don't care all that much about the struggles you are going through - with the exception of family and extremely close friends.
Friends. Friends are important. I've learned over the years and recently that they aren't always meant to stay in your life...and even if they are...the friendships we have fluctuate. I also believe we attract people who are similar to us - in that - the way they think - the way they carry themselves - and above all, how they treat other people. Unfortunately, Kelly has had a bad string of friends come into her life...and its been tough for her all her life...shes always been kind of the odd woman out. So she clings to attention - and who wouldn't if you're not used to getting it, right? It's only natural...but the thing is....she draws people close to her that are similar to her..in that...right now, she doesn't like herself, she has feelings of anger and jealousy, she doesn't understand how people can be so mean to her.
Kelly and I have always been different....and not just physically. When I was anorexic, I had the same moments and feelings she is going through right now. Hatred, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and above all...selfishness. I think my anorexia was honestly the first time I did anything for myself (as odd as that sounds...who voluntarily keeps themselves from not eating? sounds silly right?). I did it to make myself feel like I was in control in a world that I felt was out of control. I internalized 95% of my life...which was difficult considering how many people I had surrounding me. Kelly, is starting to be more verbal with her concerns and laments....which I am glad she feels comfortable doing with me...but the problem is....she wants and knows she needs to change...but she isn't doing any of it. She's looking for someone else to do it. That...won't happen. Change comes from within....she has to look inside for her to actually realize:
I can be happy. I deserve to be happy. I can no longer rely on others to give me confirmation that I am living my life the right way. I must be happy with my decisions and if I am not, I will work to fix the wrong choices I've made. Everyone makes mistakes...it's human....but it's no reason to just accept the mistakes we've made. It's one of the best things about life...we have the ability to change and make change and make ourselves happy!
There are times I get lost in trying to make others happy that I have to check myself to make sure I am making myself happy along the way....I think people forget to do this a lot. What makes your life less important than someone else's? Who told you that was the case? *As a disclaimer - I am not married - and by the looks of things - won't be married any time soon - however - I think in the case of marriage - this is one of the THE MOST IMPORTANT things! How can you possibly be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself? That's great if they're happy but really - where does that get you? I realize that statement sounds selfish - but in a way - it's not. ...and besides - aren't most relationships selfish anyway? We search for a husband/wife our whole lives to find the person that compliments our attributes. It's like from Jerry Maguire, "You complete me". Honestly - that's kind of silly. If someone else completes you, then you aren't a whole person yet, are you?
I don't know - maybe I'm just a jaded spinster who doesn't know what she's talking about. But really - I think I could be on to something. I just want what's best for my sister...I hope this trip goes well.....
I'll post pictures when I can:-)
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