Blackbird singing in the dead of night....

Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

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I kind of am at a crossroads lately. I've been sad this week. No particular reason. Yes, there are some things that happened that would be cause for sadness - but really - those aren't the things that have been making me sad.

I think I'm sad for a lot of reasons - all of which should be spun positively - but really - I hesitate to tell people things because I fear I will make them sad. For some reason - any time I tell certain people I am sad - it's almost like they assume I've been sad for a long time. I'm not - and I won't be - but I certainly believe I am allowed to have moments - even if they last longer than an hour - or a day - or a week - to be sad.

Why would I be sad? I have a good job - I have good friends - I am relatively healthy and I have a wonderful family supporting me.....so what could possibly get me down.

Well...I was reading this website Post Secret, which is this site (who know's if you've heard of it) that allows people to anonymously post secrets that they want to say but know they can't....it's kind of cool, sad, and happy all at the same time. I read this one that a young woman, probably about my age, posted how she always tells her mother that she doesn't like or want kids because what she really means is that she thinks she won't ever find a guy to marry her and have all that happen. That....made me sad...because I, in fact, feel I can relate. Maybe not so much to the first part - because I do want kids and I want a bunch of them (possibly 4) - but definitely the latter.

I am extremely afraid of never finding someone. I know - I know. There are so many other women out there that think the same thing. I know I'm not alone. But here's the thing - I don't understand why I feel this way. I am a great catch! And I really do believe that. I am smart. I like to think I'm cute. I have a good personality. I love to laugh and make people laugh too. I am caring, kind, and have compassion. I am honest and loving and extremely thoughtful. I am VERY laid back and extremely low maintenance. I just don't get it.

Now, all this being said. I don't think it's me....at all. I know most women have a tendency to think they're doing something wrong when it comes to finding that special someone. I'm not. I'm living my life...I'm open to new things...I'm doing what I've always done....and that has never seemed to be a problem before....although, I'll never forget this one saying that I learned at leadership camp in high school, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". Nice......if you don't like change. But then - who does?

Over the years - I've definitely become less afraid of life and the changes that can occur within moments.

Yesterday was September 11th. A lot of people have forgotten. I haven't. I still remember exactly what I was doing that morning and where I was and how afraid I felt. They surely assumed Philly would be a target since we were right between NYC and DC and - what better place to attack than where most of the major historical monuments are in the US? I watched 9/11 and United 93 yesterday - as well as MSNBC's replay of the actual events. It was definitely sad. It also made me realize....

I have never had anyone extremely close to me die. That, in and of itself, made me sad, concerned and worried. Also grateful.....Glad because I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone close to you...and that I haven't had to deal with it...but truly worried.....I don't know what I'd do if I did lose someone close to me.

Staying with that thought - what if something were to happen to me? How would people know? Would people find out? Few, if any, of my friends have the ability to contact my parents...sure they know them - but they don't actually know them. That's pretty scary.

Truth be told though...I am ok. I am healthy. I think people would find out - but it's still a fear. I've always thought you never really know who your real friends are until tragedy befalls you. It's a lesson I learned going through my eating disorder.....and one I always remind myself of.

And so what does the song have to do with the post?

Well, I think it's pretty clear but....."take these broken wings and learn to fly" I've been doing it all my life....and am going to keep doing it. Finding the light in the darkness is how we make it through. Finding the hope in the despair is what keeps us going. Hope, to me, is the basis for all things. As long as I have that, I should be ok.