So I've decided that things get increasingly more difficult as I get older. Ingenious, yea? Not at all. Apparently everyone else knows this. I remember when I was in college and even high school - thinking how much easier things would be when I was finished school. It was definitely one of the reasons I tried to not only finish school on time but also to do everything as quickly as possible. Some times I look back to college and think about things I wish I had done - study abroad - go to a bigger school for different classes - hung out with my friends more - etc. I don't regret missing out on some of those things - because when it came down to it - I did do something about it. I transfered schools, I started to focus on what I eventually ended up doing as a "career" choice (I use that term loosely because who knows if this will be my future - most likely yes but there are no guarantees).
I did make a lot of the right decisions - I just can't help but think that now that I don't have academia to kind of guide me and I have to go forward in my life without a course book or a counselor to say, "you're on the right track..you just need to finish this course..and these and you're all set". I guess, in a way, life has it's own little courses and tests we have to take...that's the metaphor, right? But really - it just feels so much harder than I thought it would be. I guess maybe because although I was a good student, I didn't really need to study too much - I mean, I still did, but I found that I could cruise with A's and B's. Maybe I need to take that approach to life too. Maybe I need to start thinking - well - this is the best I can do - and if I know I've done my best then that's all I can do. In a way, I do that already - but I guess I forget how some times.
Take right now for instance - I'm a social person but lately I haven't felt like much for socializing. I know we all have times where we don't necessarily want to go out and party all the time - but I'm not even talking about that. I've kind of gone into hibernation - and on purpose or not? I don't even know. I don't even know if it bothers me. My friends will still be there - my family will still be there. I guess I am not used to the idea of focusing on myself so much...and this year I made a promise to myself to do that. Maybe that's what it is....I have spent my whole life doing things for others and putting others first and now that it's my turn to be first, I feel lost - because I have no basis for this. I want to do it my own way - not the way someone else would - but isn't that how we figure out our own way - to use someone else as a guide? I don't know - I'm not sure.
Maybe that's as good as it gets.....not knowing - not being sure - but reminding yourself that whatever happens you try to do your best and be the best person you can for you and everything else will fall into place....yes? I don't know, I'm not sure.
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