We'll be playing and having fun....
Ah, wouldn't that be nice right now?
Lotses of things happening in Katie world. Some good - some bad. I haven't really had much time to blog about it all - which I feel is kind of the reason I've been hiding so much sadness. And it pretty much all came to a head last night.
Last night, I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. To which the conversation somehow ended up being a disagreement which was quickly proceeded by my mom hanging up on me. I can't even tell you the last time she's done that - if she's done it ever.
The first thing that came to mind was - what did I do to make her so angry that she felt the only way to respond was to hang up the phone? I probably said something in a tone that hurt her feelings - I probably also made her feel like she wasn't being a good mom? But then I stopped and thought about it. While it is possible that my tone of voice seemed harsh - I would NEVER ever attempt to make her feel bad - nor would I EVER say she is a bad mom.
Here's the thing. I'm going home this weekend - and since I was going to be home, I thought I'd ask my mom if she could find out if I could get an appointment with her hairdresser because I like her and I also need to get a cut. Seems simple right? I also asked to find out if I could schedule an eye appointment because - I'm gonna be home, right? SO , why not? Turns out - despite her making it sound ok and that she had no problem doing it - she really didn't tell me that it was a major pressure situation for her. She said she felt like if she didn't get those things done for me, that she would feel like she failed. How are these two small things such a major deal? (I asked myself) I mean, I just asked - it's not like I need a heart transplant or anything. I just wanted to know if I could (for lack of a better metaphor) kill to birds with one stone. Ya know?
Turns out - these things or anything I ask my mom to help me out with - turns into a major pressure situation - and she feels like if she doesn't help me with them - that I won't do them myself - like I wouldn't do them here where I live. I can see her point, I haven't exactly been the most stable kid - emotionally, physically, and workwise. I still don't have insurance, I haven't been to the doctors in a long time - and I don't really know what I am going for, as far as life is concerned.
I, personally, don't see a problem with any of these things. Those are all conventional things. I get that having health insurance is important - and although I am healthy - there are no guarantees. But you know - I honestly feel like there are some more important things to focus on. I don't know, am I wrong? I think my mom is having a hard time realizing I'm doing things differently than she would - and I think she expects me to be a certain way. I realize in her eyes I am probably not the most responsible kid - nor am I probably the best at making decisions when it comes to money - but - it's MY LIFE - it's MY MONEY - I have tried so hard to break away from what she expects of me and do my own thing. It's just amazing how one 10 minute phone conversation can make you regress back to when I was in high school and college when everything I did was to make her happy.
I can't win with her. She wants me to be my own person and live my own life - but she still wants the life I live to progress the way her's did. I can't do it - I am not her - I can't be her. I can't do my life the way she did hers. It's already different - when she was my age, she already had a kid and two years later had a second one - she also had a job and a husband. Those things - are not going to happen for me any time soon - I am ok with that. TOTALLY OK WITH IT! Part of me thinks shes jealous and another part of me is just worried for her. I love my mom so dearly - I don't know how to help her - she doesn't always listen to what I say - and it frustrates me to no end. BUT - she's my mom - and I love her.
Why must these things affect me so much?:-(
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