When I grow up.....I wanna be famous...

wanna be a star...I wanna be in movies...When I grow up..I wanna see the world...drive a nice...I wanna have boobies...

haha. Yeah. I want all those things:-)....

the purpose for that subject is basically to touch on the point of how much actual growing up I've done in the last five years.....and why I'm pretty proud of myself lately...

Over the course of the last few days, I've been house sitting. These people who's house I was at - have a scale. A SCALE. I know - doesn't sound daunting - but for me - scales are the devil....for a variety of reasons...allow me to explain....

When I was sick (aka - not eating/exercising too much aka anorexia/orthorexia) I began the process of weighing myself on a daily basis and THEN it was more like three or four times a day - and THEN it was after I would eat something or workout. It was bad and I pretty much lived and died by that scale and the numbers on it. I hated it but I loved it too - it was a really bad addiction. When I started the recovery process - I was told not to weigh myself - and as hard as that was at first - in order to recover - I would HAVE to stop doing it. Eventually I stopped but I gained weight and because I was afraid of knowing how much I weighed, I just stopped getting on any scale unless I wanted to torture myself. I think it's one of the reasons I don't go to the doctor too. I just can not stand knowing that someone else would know what I weigh let alone myself. I figure, I feel good, my clothes fit, I should be ok....I stay away from ANY scale - because I like where I'm at right now - and I know no matter what the number is, I'm not going to be satisfied...so I stay away from them entirely.

There were moments in these last few days where I was tempted - the scale at their house was definitely calling to me - and in a way I told myself - well if you just do it once, you can know how much you have to lose...yada yada...but honestly, I don't want that pressure. I'll lose weight - I'll get down to the size I want - it'll take time - I just have to keep exercising and eating healthy.

I do know a few things I need to do. I need to eat clean - no drinking - no desserts - no junk - for a little bit. I honestly feel better and it will definitely take away from some of that added poundage that I don't want.

Whatevs...I'm proud of myself for the last few days...