I have moments. Moments in which I am not happy with myself. Moment where I love life more than I ever thought I could. Moments I am not proud of and moments I can't even stop thinking about how great everything is at that time.
Lately. I've fallen on moments where things were peachy keen....until I came back home. I am now in a bit of a funk. I have these uneasy feelings that my best friend is upset with me...that I am not proud of the fact that I currently have a crush on an ENITRELY UNAVAILABLE man (of which I know I must get over)...I am not proud of anything at the moment. And I don't know what I do or how I get out of these moments. Every time I've come to these moments before I always tell myself..."remember how you feel at this exact moment...and then remember how you got out of it for next time." The thing is....I never remember...because I never really know how it happens. I wish I could know...I wish I knew.
I have been pretty unhappy lately. No one really knows that. I hide it pretty well. I'm doing everything I can to be happy...everything I know how to be happy, or at least, what's made me happy in the past. Those moments - which now seem fleeting - are the ones I look back on and laugh or smile. Unfortunately - I feel like I've lost my memory.
I do things to keep myself masked. I'm pretty sure there are only a few people who know me well enough to know when I'm doing this. BUT lately...I don't really think anyone knows the difference. Am I creating a pretend problem? Maybe - but I don't think so. I keep trying to tell myself to do the best I can....everyday. But. Life. It's hard. It's really hard. No one prepares you for these kinds of things. No one prepares you for friends who just stop talking to you. No one prepares you for problems you can't solve. No one prepares you for the moments in which you are sidesplittingly giddy and the next moment completely hysterical. No one tells you that you need to be on your toes at all times (which you don't always but still).
I am at a crossroads. I feel complacent. I am having moments where I am unsure of who I am and of my surroundings. I realize these are all things that are normal to question but why do I feel so alone?
My current moments consist of me working, working out, and sleeping. I haven't ventured out too much as far as socializing lately for I fear I am surrounding myself with the wrong people. Not because I'm doing the wrong things or inappropriate things...but because I don't entirely know what it is I hope to gain from those situations. I know that it doesn't mean I have to have some kind of goal for every outing...I know some times it's great to just go out and have fun. But lately, I'm looking for more. And it has me questioning....is this all there is?
I have this theory about myself. I think I move so often because I get bored. It's weird - because for someone like me who is really good at keeping to herself and doing monotonous exercise routines (ie. running and swimming and biking alone)...I get bored with my surroundings. Not people...but surroundings.
I worry a lot lately. It's been awhile since I've done this. I worry about friends. I worry about family. I worry about life and the future. Maybe that's why I do such solitary exercising. I can think about those things when I'm doing it. The only thing is...it never goes away. Ever.
When is it my turn to get a chance to live life again?
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