All the dreams that came true still seem so far away
I remember the days sittin' on the front porch with
The sun beatin' down in my neighborhood ~ G. Love and Special Sauce, When We Meet Again
I have this overwhelming feeling right now. Just. This very moment. It's quarter to 8 on Monday morning....and I have this overwhelming feeling of missing Orlando.
I'm in the middle of my routine....coffee...email check...fb check...blog check. Two out of the three blogs I check religiously are written by two girls who live in Orlando. One of them is moving but her latest blog post just made me miss Florida SO MUCH. There wasn't anything special in it. Nothing particular as far as a spot or a situation that you'd only be in if you lived in Orlando....it was a blog from her eating dinner at The Mellow Mushroom. Now, keep in mind...this isn't a place I ate at very often, but I did a few times...and their pizza is amazing. Excellent.
I don't know what it is. I just. Wow. I am very emotional about it right now. I miss Orlando and my friends from there so much. Thank goodness I'm going there in less than a month! As nice as my life is now up here...I sincerely miss and wonder what my life would've been like had I stayed down there and kept working freelance. I think about that nearly every week. I know I made the right choice when it came to my life...and I live with no regrets....but I sincerely wish I could take the social life I had in Orlando and move it up here, or vice versa.
I miss knowing what my Friday nights were going to be even before the next week started (Sushi/Movie/Wine night at 735).
I miss being able to call up Painter and say, "Hey, let's go grab a drink...I need to chat."
I miss knowing that at any given moment, I'd be able to have a Rock Band marathon with Trish.
I miss the driving around Winter Park.
I miss Aroma and our Brunches. And I miss sitting all day outside and no one caring that we didn't do ANYTHING.
I even miss working at the golf channel. (i know, crazy)
I miss my morning routine at 735....wake up...make coffee...take a shower...read my email/blogs....hang out at the table and wait til trish gets up to let the dogs out. Figure out what to do for the day (if I'm not working) or head in to work.
I miss the way Florida air smells. And the instant humidity you get as soon as you walk outside (yeah, I know I'm crazy).
I miss the way the sun sets....and the way it rises. So quiet. So calm.
I miss how FLAT everything is. I seriously miss this on my runs...yeah. Yeah I do.
Will I ever move back to Florida? I don't know. I suppose only time will tell. There's so much I could do down there...outside of teaching....I suppose it'll all depend on my situation this time next year.
I just know this morning...I am missing Florida...Orlando....Trish, Painter, Nick, Joey, Simon, Heather, Sav, Debbi....Aroma.....yeah.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Constant Change Equation....
As many of you may have noticed....I changed the title of my blog. Although the web address is still the same (because I couldn't find one that worked) - the title and the perspectives have.
I think what I'm going to start doing is writing more about the constant change occurring in my life - rather than the sadness or depressing stuff. No one wants to read that anyway, right? I can't guarantee that I won't ever write about it again - especially if I need to vent about my Mother - but for the most part - it'll be about the changes that are occurring on a daily basis.
All that being said - I've been thinking about this idea for awhile. Changes in relationships. Relationships with friends, with boyfriends/exboyfriends, family, etc. These changes are definitely things have have affected me in several ways. I'd like to start with the changes in my family. I'll start with immediate family first (lucky you guys, I only have five of those)....then possibly move on to other family.
My Mother
Y'all have heard me vent/rant about my Mother on here. You have seen what I've written about how I feel about her. The thing is, my mother has definitely changed since I remember her as a child. I think part of that change came from the divorce and she never recovered from it. My mom holds in a lot of anger and resentment. She definitely doesn't know what to do with her displaced emotions. She habors them and then when the time is right, she'll unleash all that she has (which if we're talkin' Biblical...it's a Wrath and a Half...yeah...it's pretty bad).
You've all heard me say numerous times that I love my mom. I do. I love her. She's the only one I have. She'll always be my mom. But G.D....can't she just mind her own freakin' business every-once-in-a-while? The changes I've seen in my mother since I've moved back home are insurmountable. She went from being all super happy to having both her daughters home....to......"OHMYGOD I HAVE TO GET MY KNEES REPLACED...MY LIFE IS OVER." Drama Queen. Now mind you, she's ALWAYS been a drama queen...and a martyr...and a saint....(according to her). It's just - in this last month, the constant change of her emotional spectrum is exhausting. I think I might have to agree with my dad. She's most likely Bi-Polar. I wish she would get someone to talk to....then maybe she wouldn't be the way she is.
The changes that have occurred with my mother follow a pattern that follow two paths, 1. When I'm living at home and 2. When I'm not living at home. When I am living at home, my life is - in general - not my own. When I am living on my own - my life is mine again. That being said - look for more posts about all of this in the future.
Who am I kidding.....ha
My Father
The changes in the relationship(s) with my dad isn't really anything too drastic. If anything, I think it's gotten better with age. The fact that he and I are so similar in the way we approach things (even if I am being irrational some times and he tells me that I am being like my mother) helps a lot. Before I lived back at home, he and I talked probably three or four times a week. That still remains the same...even though I'm pretty busy. The changes in my life haven't allowed me to visit him that often...but I know he just feels better knowing I'm in the area.
My dad (at times) does still see me as his little girl. Which is endearing and some times bothersome...but more endearing than anything. I could never live at his house. He has a problem with me having guys over. (yes, I'm 29...he doesn't care...which is his prerogative. It would be his house - if I lived with him - anyway). But he also sees me as an adult. A responsible adult. One that he turns to when he needs to vent. That....makes me feel so good. :-) It's nice to know someone can rely on you and genuinely wants your input/feedback. I think the reason my dad and I have such a great relationship that sustains the constant change is because we both understand that things evolve...and as time moves on...we all move forward.
I didn't really start opening up to my dad until I was in college. I was so busy in high school that I didn't really think about too many things. When I started to get sick in college, I started telling my dad more and more things. I can only imagine how it must've felt on his end hearing me say such horrible things about myself. Probably the same way Derek felt when I'd say them to him. Helpless. But the difference between boyfriends and Dad's is that Dad's are forever...and I'm so glad mine didn't give up on me :-)
My Sister
Ah my sister. My sister and I are definitely NOT two peas in a pod. We are pretty opposite. I wouldn't say as far opposite as you can get...but definitely different from each other. More and more I hear myself saying, "I wonder where the old Kelly went?" and as more and more time goes by, I've been thinking...was I making this old Kelly up?
Of all the people in my family, I'd say my sister is the one that has changed the most. She's had a lot of things come her way in the last 10+ years...which would undoubtedly change anyone. Unfortunately, these things have seemed to not change her for the better. Am I glad she's home again, definitely. Do I wish she had a different perspective on life, without a doubt.
I'm not gonna go on a whole diatribe about my sister...because, well, I don't need to. Basically what y'all need to know is that in a world of constant change...she isn't. And she's scared. Fear is the quickest way to not change. She's allowing it to control her life right now. I can only hope she finds her way out. I'm willing to help her if she wants it...but honestly....most of the "heavy lifting" has to be done on her own.
My Stepdad
Bruce is pretty much awesome. Seriously. If any of you know him...he's just the nicest man ever. I don't know how my mom lucked out. She doesn't treat him the way he should be treated..but he is totally ok with that. He loves the neighborhood. He loves the neighbors. He loves me and kelly. He's content. He just goes with the flow. Sometimes I'd give anything to have his attitude on life. Of course, he's seen some bad stuff (Vietnam Vet) so I can imagine that will put everything into perspective for a person.
The only change with Bruce is that he's pretty consistently awesome. :-)
My Stepmom
Jo is just as awesome herself. I definitely lucked out in these Step Parents categories. I could've ended up with the "evil" stepparents. Not so. Thankfully I have Jo to talk to when I need someone to listen. The changes between her and I since I came home have all been positive too. The fact that I know I'll always have an open and non-judgemental ear to listen to me is so amazing.
The relationship I've had with Joanne has evolved over the years. When I first met Jo I was pretty young and some of my first memories with her aren't until 12 or 13. I remember having a difficult time accepting her at first. She was nice. Always nice. But I wasn't sure how I was going to allow her in my life or if I was going to open up to her. As I got older, I realized I really liked spending time with her. I got to talk to her more and get to know her a little better. One HUGE factor was that I grew up. Emotionally....Physically....Literally. And that helped the relationship. It's safe to say Jo is one of my go-to people when I need to vent. I'm grateful for that.
okay okay - enough of the ramblings....next post will be better!
I think what I'm going to start doing is writing more about the constant change occurring in my life - rather than the sadness or depressing stuff. No one wants to read that anyway, right? I can't guarantee that I won't ever write about it again - especially if I need to vent about my Mother - but for the most part - it'll be about the changes that are occurring on a daily basis.
All that being said - I've been thinking about this idea for awhile. Changes in relationships. Relationships with friends, with boyfriends/exboyfriends, family, etc. These changes are definitely things have have affected me in several ways. I'd like to start with the changes in my family. I'll start with immediate family first (lucky you guys, I only have five of those)....then possibly move on to other family.
My Mother
Y'all have heard me vent/rant about my Mother on here. You have seen what I've written about how I feel about her. The thing is, my mother has definitely changed since I remember her as a child. I think part of that change came from the divorce and she never recovered from it. My mom holds in a lot of anger and resentment. She definitely doesn't know what to do with her displaced emotions. She habors them and then when the time is right, she'll unleash all that she has (which if we're talkin' Biblical...it's a Wrath and a Half...yeah...it's pretty bad).
You've all heard me say numerous times that I love my mom. I do. I love her. She's the only one I have. She'll always be my mom. But G.D....can't she just mind her own freakin' business every-once-in-a-while? The changes I've seen in my mother since I've moved back home are insurmountable. She went from being all super happy to having both her daughters home....to......"OHMYGOD I HAVE TO GET MY KNEES REPLACED...MY LIFE IS OVER." Drama Queen. Now mind you, she's ALWAYS been a drama queen...and a martyr...and a saint....(according to her). It's just - in this last month, the constant change of her emotional spectrum is exhausting. I think I might have to agree with my dad. She's most likely Bi-Polar. I wish she would get someone to talk to....then maybe she wouldn't be the way she is.
The changes that have occurred with my mother follow a pattern that follow two paths, 1. When I'm living at home and 2. When I'm not living at home. When I am living at home, my life is - in general - not my own. When I am living on my own - my life is mine again. That being said - look for more posts about all of this in the future.
Who am I kidding.....ha
My Father
The changes in the relationship(s) with my dad isn't really anything too drastic. If anything, I think it's gotten better with age. The fact that he and I are so similar in the way we approach things (even if I am being irrational some times and he tells me that I am being like my mother) helps a lot. Before I lived back at home, he and I talked probably three or four times a week. That still remains the same...even though I'm pretty busy. The changes in my life haven't allowed me to visit him that often...but I know he just feels better knowing I'm in the area.
My dad (at times) does still see me as his little girl. Which is endearing and some times bothersome...but more endearing than anything. I could never live at his house. He has a problem with me having guys over. (yes, I'm 29...he doesn't care...which is his prerogative. It would be his house - if I lived with him - anyway). But he also sees me as an adult. A responsible adult. One that he turns to when he needs to vent. That....makes me feel so good. :-) It's nice to know someone can rely on you and genuinely wants your input/feedback. I think the reason my dad and I have such a great relationship that sustains the constant change is because we both understand that things evolve...and as time moves on...we all move forward.
I didn't really start opening up to my dad until I was in college. I was so busy in high school that I didn't really think about too many things. When I started to get sick in college, I started telling my dad more and more things. I can only imagine how it must've felt on his end hearing me say such horrible things about myself. Probably the same way Derek felt when I'd say them to him. Helpless. But the difference between boyfriends and Dad's is that Dad's are forever...and I'm so glad mine didn't give up on me :-)
My Sister
Ah my sister. My sister and I are definitely NOT two peas in a pod. We are pretty opposite. I wouldn't say as far opposite as you can get...but definitely different from each other. More and more I hear myself saying, "I wonder where the old Kelly went?" and as more and more time goes by, I've been thinking...was I making this old Kelly up?
Of all the people in my family, I'd say my sister is the one that has changed the most. She's had a lot of things come her way in the last 10+ years...which would undoubtedly change anyone. Unfortunately, these things have seemed to not change her for the better. Am I glad she's home again, definitely. Do I wish she had a different perspective on life, without a doubt.
I'm not gonna go on a whole diatribe about my sister...because, well, I don't need to. Basically what y'all need to know is that in a world of constant change...she isn't. And she's scared. Fear is the quickest way to not change. She's allowing it to control her life right now. I can only hope she finds her way out. I'm willing to help her if she wants it...but honestly....most of the "heavy lifting" has to be done on her own.
My Stepdad
Bruce is pretty much awesome. Seriously. If any of you know him...he's just the nicest man ever. I don't know how my mom lucked out. She doesn't treat him the way he should be treated..but he is totally ok with that. He loves the neighborhood. He loves the neighbors. He loves me and kelly. He's content. He just goes with the flow. Sometimes I'd give anything to have his attitude on life. Of course, he's seen some bad stuff (Vietnam Vet) so I can imagine that will put everything into perspective for a person.
The only change with Bruce is that he's pretty consistently awesome. :-)
My Stepmom
Jo is just as awesome herself. I definitely lucked out in these Step Parents categories. I could've ended up with the "evil" stepparents. Not so. Thankfully I have Jo to talk to when I need someone to listen. The changes between her and I since I came home have all been positive too. The fact that I know I'll always have an open and non-judgemental ear to listen to me is so amazing.
The relationship I've had with Joanne has evolved over the years. When I first met Jo I was pretty young and some of my first memories with her aren't until 12 or 13. I remember having a difficult time accepting her at first. She was nice. Always nice. But I wasn't sure how I was going to allow her in my life or if I was going to open up to her. As I got older, I realized I really liked spending time with her. I got to talk to her more and get to know her a little better. One HUGE factor was that I grew up. Emotionally....Physically....Literally. And that helped the relationship. It's safe to say Jo is one of my go-to people when I need to vent. I'm grateful for that.
okay okay - enough of the ramblings....next post will be better!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Family Night and Such
As I mentioned in my previous post, I would update y'all on Family Night. I don't really feel like updating too much with words so enjoy some pictures! :-)
So as you can see, lots of fun...def too much to talk about. But it was a good night overall.
Some things have gotten better since my last post. Turns out I found out that finding a job with my record won't be as big a deal as I thought. Which is GOOD good news.
I chatted with Parker last night - it was nice to talk to him - we talked for 4 hours! He wants me to try and visit him in NC this year. Of course, all this traveling I'd like to do: Orlando, Spain, NC - doesn't fare well for me to move out. So which do I want more? hrm. Decisions Decisions.
Elsewhere, I'm FINALLY gonna get to see David this Sunday. Haven't seen him since April when I took him the the airport and he missed his flight to Rome. Trying to figure out things for me to do the rest of the week.
Also - I LOVE RIDING MY BIKE! Rode 30 miles today in 1hr15mins. Love it.
So as you can see, lots of fun...def too much to talk about. But it was a good night overall.
Some things have gotten better since my last post. Turns out I found out that finding a job with my record won't be as big a deal as I thought. Which is GOOD good news.
I chatted with Parker last night - it was nice to talk to him - we talked for 4 hours! He wants me to try and visit him in NC this year. Of course, all this traveling I'd like to do: Orlando, Spain, NC - doesn't fare well for me to move out. So which do I want more? hrm. Decisions Decisions.
Elsewhere, I'm FINALLY gonna get to see David this Sunday. Haven't seen him since April when I took him the the airport and he missed his flight to Rome. Trying to figure out things for me to do the rest of the week.
Also - I LOVE RIDING MY BIKE! Rode 30 miles today in 1hr15mins. Love it.
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