Living at home

I moved back in to the house I grew up in back in May of 2009. I was living in Florida working in Television.

Part of the move was prompted by my own feelings and thoughts that I might/should start to "grow up" or at least start that path. Not that what I was doing wasn't grown up, cause I could definitely live a life like the one I was - but it's not really conducive to what I'm hoping to get out of life. Those are for another post another time...this post, is about being at home.

Some of the MAJOR differences about living at home mainly deal with having to cope with a negative atmosphere on a constant basis. That and the fact that my family is kind of in my face like 24/7. That's not to say that I don't like being around my family - in fact, my dad has pretty much become my best friend. But since my parents divorced when I was 10, I haven't lived with my dad since then. Henceforth, I've lived with my mother.

My sister left for college when I started high school - so it was pretty much just my mom and I. I was really busy in high school - yep, I was one of those kids - swim team, honor society, treasurer of our class, etc. Being busy was great! I was hardly ever home because I was always either at school or at an after school activity. My social life wasn't really anything to brag about, but once I was able to drive, I was pretty much out of the house as much as possible. Ah the life I used to have.

So I go away to college, spend some of the last few years at home more than away. After I graduated I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle to Au Pair for my cousins over the summer before I left for Grad School. I moved to Michigan. Lived there for almost 3 years. Moved home for a month. In that month I nearly lost my mind. Not just because I had no job and it was in the middle of winter, but negativity. It, more or less, infected me.

So, I get a job in Florida, move there for three years. And then I decide it's time to grow up. So. I go back to school - figure it's cheaper to move in with my mother. Honestly - I thank my lucky stars I've had this option. But here's the deal.

For as long as I can remember - my mother has been depressed. She always seems to be searching for something more than what she has. I almost feel like she's never satisfied with her life. In some ways, I admire that. I really do. I admire her always wanting to do everything she can for my sister and I. She gives her all for my sister and I and always has. She always will. But on the other hand. That creates a sense of "martyrdom" that she clearly feels she fills. It gets extremely difficult to deal with people who are like this. (wow, I sound like I'm whining). I suppose in a way I am. But the thing is, no matter how clearly I feel like I'm explaining this to anyone, to understand what I mean, you must witness it yourself.

Case in point: My dear friend Paul has recently returned from travels in Europe and South America. He decided to travel and explore. I commend it. If I had the means, I'd be doing that right now. The other day, he was over my house and my mother (who has NEVER said anything to him about his lifestyle or how he lead's his life) decided it was necessary to tell him that he has, "to grow up sometime." and that she'd "really like to see him settle down already." I was and still am pretty mortified (read: embarrassed). The amount of judgment that drips from those two phrases is embarrassing. Now, I realize part of it was said out of caring for him and wanting to see him happy - but honestly - who is she to say that to him?

It all kind of filters into something that I sense from her. I feel like no matter how many degrees I obtain/earn or travels I take, it won't matter to her until I am married and have a family. Then, my life is valid in my mother's eyes. It not only makes me feel awful but in a way it makes me so sad.

I already deal with the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's moved back in with her mother and although I have a sense of direction - the first two won't change for at least another year. Granted, it's my life. I AM living my life for ME. Trust me on this. But doesn't everyone still have that sense (however small it may be) that we want to please our mothers/parents?

Just some food for thought.

Also I leave you with this....I love my mother for being the strong person she is. For helping me overcome my eating disorder and showing me that I am a strong person like her. She offers a perspective I may not always agree with. But I will always love her.