I could really use a wish right now....

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few things:

-My journey into teaching seems to be coming to a screeching halt. I spoke with both my mother and father about this last night. Those that are close to me know why but basically I found out what happened in the past can NOT be reversed. What that basically means, unless I want to teach in Philly, I won't get a job at a public school in the 'burbs. Yeah. Awesome.

-I think since last week was so busy, I'm finally having a few moments this week to think about all the things that I didn't get to. I miss Rachel. I really do need to visit her grave. I am working late today, I'll probably go after spin class this morning.

-I am itching to move out of my mother's house SO entirely much. But financially, it doesn't seem like a smart move. Drain my savings just because my mother is driving me nuts? Seems logical - but not necessarily practical...esp if I won't have a certainty of getting a job after all is said and done.

-I was thinking last night - when I start student teaching in the Spring - when will I have time to incorporate a workout routine? I realized the only time is most likely early in the morning before school....which means...ugh...early mornings, early nights. Since I'll still be coaching at that time, and I doubt I'm gonna want to workout AFTER swim practices, morning workouts are probably my only option. Ugh. Maybe that's the time I should start P90X? ha. I can see it now - me waking up at 4:30 just to do P90X for an hour and then get ready for student teaching....ha. Um. Yeah.

-Don't kid yourself - that previous bullet is a pretty big deal to me. Anyone that knows me, knows I'm most likely going to either have a nervous breakdown or simply just get depressed. There's a reason I workout nearly every day....it keeps me sane!

-Can anyone else NOT believe August is this Sunday? Where is this year going?

"Do yourself a favor....don't ever play poker"

Is what my boss/supervisor/mentor at Cabrini told me the other day. It was the same day that I did horribly on the second practice Praxis test. I don't hide my sadness very well it seems. Honestly, I think I do, but when it comes to people that I know will care, I don't. No one else, besides my friends, knew of the frustration I was having all week. Especially no one at work.

So here's what's happened since Wednesday:

Thursday I went for a run in the morning. It was hot! But I'm glad I ran outside. I went to work and learned that the Board Members at PSC want to change like - a lot of things that will create a very dangerous environment at the club. Needless to say, it's kind of up to me to save it. Ha. That's a post for a different time. After work I went to class - where I was all prepared to give my lecture presentation but some stupid woman just got up and changed the order of who was going to lecture in class. I was pretty pissed - especially since I had my presentation all set up from the get-go. Yeah. Not a happy camper after class. After that, I got home and walked into my house - chilled and decided to meet up with a few of my guards later that night at Scoogi's in Flourtown. Thursday nights is karaoke and/or trivia - we were all excited for trivia but because there were too many people there - it was just karaoke all night. But I sang! Haha my head guard and I sang an Eminem song (The Real Slim Shady of all songs...haha). I couldn't stop laughing. It was a fun night. The day ended much better than it had began.

Friday was a new day. I woke up - went to spin class. Went to work. Did some stuff and then decided it was just going to be a nothing doing day. When I get back on Sunday I will be extra motivated. I felt really good after spin class - and then a few hours later I felt really hung over - ha - I only had three beers! But - I went to coaching in the afternoon. The last for the year and there weren't many kids there - so it was fine. I got home and had dinner. Shortly thereafter I got a phone call from Paul! He was home! So I went over to his house for about a half hour - saw him - chatted - etc. His family is having a family reunion this weekend so I didn't stay long - but I just wanted to see him. I missed him! Besides, deciding to leave early was a good decision because I wanted to get a good night sleep before the Praxis today.

Here's the crazy part:

So I'm hanging out - on facebook - checking email - waiting to go to bed. And the doorbell to my house goes off. It's four of my guards from PSC. Yes. They showed up to my house. [[Backtrack a bit: Earlier in the day at work, they all found out I had never seen Mulan. So they felt it was their duty to come over and watch it with me. And that's just what we did. It was the most unusual and interesting situation I've ever been in. Oh, did I mention they were all guys?]] I was just as surprised as anyone would've been. I really didn't expect them to come here. I guess I know better from now on. Ha. Well, its a funny story to tell anyway. They were all so cute too - they dressed up thinking they were going to meet my mom and stepdad. haha - it was pretty funny. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or flattered that they wanted to come over and see me. Haha. It was one of those moments you know you'll never forget.

As for today - I'm just chillin' until 9 or so - then I'm going for a short run - shower - and review a bit of the Praxis stuff. I need to figure out exactly where I go for the test. It's in Conshy - I'm just not familiar with 100 W Maple street. So. Yeah. I'm going to take my test - and then I'm supposed to go to my cousin's graduation party - but I actually found out on Thursday that my final project for my Education class is due on Tuesday. So. Yeah. I have to do homework when I get home. Fun. And then I work tomorrow. Good times.

Anyway - fingers crossed for me! I'm going to need it!

Less Adventures...More Stress

Yep, you read that correctly. Less dating adventures. More stress. Stress from what, you ask? Oh let's see. Where do I begin. I'll go in reverse order from a few minutes ago, to this morning/last night.

c. 9PM EST.
Finished my first (of what will be three more until I do better) practice PRAXIS tests. So I want to be an English teacher. Interestingly enough, I did the best on the Math section of the practice test. I did HORRIBLY on the Reading section and just as bad on the Writing. [[Sidenote: A few things I'm keeping in mind. It's been a long day. I haven't really been able to focus all day. I'm extremely tired. I'm trying to keep it in perspective. It's only the first one. I haven't studied at all. And I still have a few more days before the test so that's always a good thing.]]

c. 4-7PM EST.
Working at Cabrini. Nearly have a meltdown as I'm trying to study a bit for the Praxis tests. It wasn't that busy there today. I actually decided to get there early today because I just couldn't deal with being at the club any more.

c. 10:45AM -3:30PM EST.
Working at PSC. I kind of dreaded going in from the get-go. I'm forgetting things. Making stupid mistakes. Telling people interested in membership the wrong things, etc. I do account all this to be the result from the added stress of school and the Praxis prep. I'm thinking about a lot of things right now. When I get stressed I tend to forget things. That being said - I may be paranoid as well. I'm starting to think some of the guards (particularly the head guards) don't like me. Not that I expect them to be super excited to see me all the time, but I don't know, I just kind of get the sense that I'm not welcome any more. Not sure why. Not sure if I did something and don't know I did something. But the problem is a double edged sword. The guards I think have the issue are the kind of people that won't say anything (they'd rather bitch about it) and the other edge of the sword is if I do say something, I could be wrong and THEN they'll think I'm crazy. I've thought of just saying, "hey, are we cool?" or "hey, I think you're doing a great job - now that I've been here a bit - is there anything you might offer for advice as far as getting better acquainted?" - I don't know - maybe all those are stupid. Honestly - they don't have to like me. They don't. But I'd rather know if they don't - then I'll know how to approach them from here on...does that make sense?

c. 8:45 - 9:25AM
Running - 5.5 Miles - difficult. hot. humid. sweaty. bleh.

Last night I was in bed, getting ready to fall asleep. Watching the Tony's. My dad called. I started crying. It was better than the other night with crying. I got some of what was on my mind out - but it's still pretty weighted with thoughts and worry.

Today - I heard one of my favorite Barenaked Ladies songs. The lyrics are as follows:

I have set aside everything I love
I have saved everything else for you
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of
Though I thought over it through and through

In a book in a box high upon a shelf
In a locked and guarded vault
Are the things I keep only for myself
It's your fate but it's not your fault

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

There is nowhere else I would rather be,
but I can't just be right here
An enigma wrapped in a mystery,
or a fool consumed by fear

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I realized I've been keeping things for myself. I need to stop doing that so much. I have a terrible habit of it. TERRIBLE habit. I need to be better at getting it out.

As for the rest of the week. I'm hangin out with my bestest! tomorrow :-) Can't wait! Some much needed bff time - looking forward to it.

At some point tomorrow or Wednesday I'll need to take another practice Praxis test - then one Thursday and one on Friday. Saturday my test is at 12:30 and then it's my cousin's High School Graduation Party.

Also - PAUL COMES HOME ON FRIDAY!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!

"high five!"......"turkey!"

So I learned a few things at PSC yesterday:

1. There are new ways to give High Fives - one involved a turkey, a jelly fish, a hotdog, a squid, and an octopus (I think). Ask me some time, I'll show you what I mean.

2. There is NOTHING that a kid won't do for attention.

3. Babies will undoubtedly puke in the baby pool.

4. Guys, given the right ammo, will be intrigued about pretty much anything.

5. Spending a day there will make me feel better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As per my previous post, I didn't get a good night sleep Friday night. That being said, I didn't sleep well last night either. I had another panic attack. I went to my room with the intention of going to sleep early around 10PM - the last time I looked at the clock it was nearly 1AM. This means =====> I did NOT get a chance to run this morning. I did NOT get enough sleep last night. I am cranky this morning because I already feel fat. Awesomeness.

I have my last lifeguarding cert class this morning. It's pretty much our final tests in the water and on paper. Whatevs. I'm not worried. I kind of wish I could've done it yesterday. Afterwards, I am scheduled to work the late shift. So. Depending on how I feel. I may either leave and go for a run OR stay and suck it up...hang out at the club. Miss the boys' softball game. And just stay til close. We'll see. I suppose it just depends on how long the tests take.

I don't know what's up with me lately. I'm seriously concerned about the panic attacks. I'm not sleeping because of said panic attacks. I feel as though the lack of exercise yesterday had a bit to do with the lack of tiredness last night - but I suppose it shouldn't matter, right?

Oh well. Off to another day! Sometimes I feel like I'm back in college again - putting on a happy face for people who don't really know what's beneath. I suppose that's why I know I can write all this here, because the ones that are reading this are truly my friends so they understand me.

Do Not worry

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-34

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anybody that knows me, knows I'm not a very religious person. I was born and baptized Catholic (ask me about my baptism some time, it's pretty funny). I was raised to understand the principles of Catholicism and attend Mass each weekend and particularly on holy days. I hated ever minute of it....well....once I was old enough to have other activities (ie. sports) I hated it. CCD (which if you're unfamiliar with this, is essentially what the public school kids go to if they don't go to catholic school. It's once or twice a week after regular school for a few hours. You learn all the basic tenets/principals of the bible and the catholic religion. See how exciting that is?) was always something I despised. Especially in 6th grade when I knew that would be my last year of it and I was getting confirmed. I had to not only do all my regular school work but memorize 50+ random religious questions that the Cardinal MAY or MAY NOT ask any one of us during our Mass. Talk about pressure. Of course, I knew my odds. I most likely wouldn't be asked anything....so I didn't learn them. Am I better off? Who knows.

Here's the thing: As much as I don't follow my religion and have A LOT of issues with the way women are treated in the Catholic church - I do really still enjoy religion as a topic. I enjoy learning about religion(s). I like learning about the history behind why they got to be the way they are and how there are SO many different kinds. Occasionally I do find myself wanting to attend a Mass. There's something about knowing it will always be the same that's almost reassuring. Kind of like the same way that turning to an old friend in times of trouble/bad, you know they'll always be there for you and help you.

That being said - the bible passage I wrote at the beginning of this post is pretty much my favorite passage. The first time I heard it, I was blown away. I couldn't help but think - did people back then have anxiety too?! Lately, if you've been following, my life has been pretty busy and generally for me that means anxiety follows.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I went to bed at a reasonable hour. And then it happened. I had another anxiety attack. Instead this time, along with the feeling of having a heart attack, I started crying...and crying..and crying. Some people tell me that there are times when you just need a good cry. This was not a good cry. Good cry's are when you're upset about something else and you just CRY and CRY. My tears last night were ridden with worry and anxiety.

As I usually do, I started talking to myself....yes, out loud. Some times it's easier to hear what you're thinking. After about 5 minutes, I remembered this passage. "Do Not Worry". And although my anxiety is still apparent, I found a bit of comfort in knowing there are others out there that have the same kinds of worries I do.

My life isn't where I thought it would be right now. Although, to be fair, I didn't really know where my life would be right now. The things I want versus the things I have and have accomplished are pretty unbalanced. I have definitely accomplished more than I thought I would in such a short time period. I'm proud of those things. But I suppose it's only safe to say that I'm human. By that I mean, if you think about it, most humans focus on the things they don't have rather than the ones they do. Always wanting more of what we don't have already.

I am so blessed(there I go, using more religious jargon) to have so many things and people in my life that make me happy and sane. I often forget to sit back and relish in that.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night....

Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kind of am at a crossroads lately. I've been sad this week. No particular reason. Yes, there are some things that happened that would be cause for sadness - but really - those aren't the things that have been making me sad.

I think I'm sad for a lot of reasons - all of which should be spun positively - but really - I hesitate to tell people things because I fear I will make them sad. For some reason - any time I tell certain people I am sad - it's almost like they assume I've been sad for a long time. I'm not - and I won't be - but I certainly believe I am allowed to have moments - even if they last longer than an hour - or a day - or a week - to be sad.

Why would I be sad? I have a good job - I have good friends - I am relatively healthy and I have a wonderful family supporting me.....so what could possibly get me down.

Well...I was reading this website Post Secret, which is this site (who know's if you've heard of it) that allows people to anonymously post secrets that they want to say but know they can't....it's kind of cool, sad, and happy all at the same time. I read this one that a young woman, probably about my age, posted how she always tells her mother that she doesn't like or want kids because what she really means is that she thinks she won't ever find a guy to marry her and have all that happen. That....made me sad...because I, in fact, feel I can relate. Maybe not so much to the first part - because I do want kids and I want a bunch of them (possibly 4) - but definitely the latter.

I am extremely afraid of never finding someone. I know - I know. There are so many other women out there that think the same thing. I know I'm not alone. But here's the thing - I don't understand why I feel this way. I am a great catch! And I really do believe that. I am smart. I like to think I'm cute. I have a good personality. I love to laugh and make people laugh too. I am caring, kind, and have compassion. I am honest and loving and extremely thoughtful. I am VERY laid back and extremely low maintenance. I just don't get it.

Now, all this being said. I don't think it's me....at all. I know most women have a tendency to think they're doing something wrong when it comes to finding that special someone. I'm not. I'm living my life...I'm open to new things...I'm doing what I've always done....and that has never seemed to be a problem before....although, I'll never forget this one saying that I learned at leadership camp in high school, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". Nice......if you don't like change. But then - who does?

Over the years - I've definitely become less afraid of life and the changes that can occur within moments.

Yesterday was September 11th. A lot of people have forgotten. I haven't. I still remember exactly what I was doing that morning and where I was and how afraid I felt. They surely assumed Philly would be a target since we were right between NYC and DC and - what better place to attack than where most of the major historical monuments are in the US? I watched 9/11 and United 93 yesterday - as well as MSNBC's replay of the actual events. It was definitely sad. It also made me realize....

I have never had anyone extremely close to me die. That, in and of itself, made me sad, concerned and worried. Also grateful.....Glad because I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone close to you...and that I haven't had to deal with it...but truly worried.....I don't know what I'd do if I did lose someone close to me.

Staying with that thought - what if something were to happen to me? How would people know? Would people find out? Few, if any, of my friends have the ability to contact my parents...sure they know them - but they don't actually know them. That's pretty scary.

Truth be told though...I am ok. I am healthy. I think people would find out - but it's still a fear. I've always thought you never really know who your real friends are until tragedy befalls you. It's a lesson I learned going through my eating disorder.....and one I always remind myself of.

And so what does the song have to do with the post?

Well, I think it's pretty clear but....."take these broken wings and learn to fly" I've been doing it all my life....and am going to keep doing it. Finding the light in the darkness is how we make it through. Finding the hope in the despair is what keeps us going. Hope, to me, is the basis for all things. As long as I have that, I should be ok.

I....AM......JOB

um - yeah - can I just tell you. woah with the tiredness. Srsly. I tried, I TRIED! to get more sleep last night - and I actually didn't wake up at all last night - a nice change from Sunday night where I approximated about 4 hours of actual sleep time.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and my first reaction was "damn, that mack truck was WAY bigger than I thought it would be". Yeah.

Anyway - I'm nearly 3/4 of the way through work today - better than yesterday - albeit that's not really saying much. I am BORED with this job - bored with life - bored with myself. BORED I TELL YOU!

The rest of the month will probably go really fast though, which has its ups and downs.

This Friday, an ex-boyfriend from High School who happens to live in Ft. Lauderdale now, is driving up to have dinner and drinks with me. That should be nice - considering I haven't seen him in a few years and we always seem to just miss each other. That'll be good. So I'm taking a half day on Friday (so I can workout since I didn't go yesterday - I'm a loser). I'm working for WinnerComm again this weekend for Dance/Cheer stuff - so no day's off.

Next week - I work Mon - Wed full days - Thursday I am taking a half day because Paul is flying in to visit for the weekend and he'll be here! So I'm excited for that - we plan on doing nothing! It should be great:-)

The following week is kind of the same - Mon - Wed I am working full days then taking off Thursday so I can workout before I fly home that afternoon - I fly up to Philly that Thursday, out to London the next day - in London for the weekend for soccer! and then back Monday night. I intend on taking off on Tuesday to give myself a day to catch up on sleep - I didn't schedule that time in the last time I went to Ireland so I am pretty sure it'll be better this way - and I won't be useless at work.

Then the week I'm back in Orlando (last week of Feb) - I work through Friday but Glenn (childhood friend/neighbor) wants to come down that last weekend in February to play golf and hang out. I think I am going to have to tell him that I just can't do it because I won't be able to take off work. He'll just have to come in March.

And by that time - March will be here! Craziness!

All the while, I MUST keep up with my TEFL course - I really don't want to not be able to finish it - I paid good money for it - speaking of money - I owe Trish rent and I have to put in for an invoice by Friday so I can get paid. Yucky money. HATESES MONEY!

--------------------------------------

As for other things - I've gotten really good with responding to people blindly. Example:

Person: Hey Katie what's up?
Me: Hey - nothing, how're you?
Person: Good, u?
Me: Good.
(also sometimes I'll say - "alright")

Ha - boy do I have them fooled. No one really cares all that much anyway - atleast not the passers-by. My friends do. Is it bad that I don't either?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Starting Over

I had a blog - but it was erased by accident - which is fine - it gives me an excuse to write about what I really want to write about - me.

Turns out - for as many friends and the few close friends I have - most of them don't always know what to say to me and even beyond that, can't relate to my experiences. More often than not, I am the one that they come to for comfort and compassion. I have no problem with that. The main thing here is that I get the opportunity to express myself without having to worry about others judging me. I love my friends and know that the real ones wouldn't do that, but like I said, most of them can't seem to relate to my experiences. Plus, most of them (as awful as this sounds) don't listen or if they do, they never seem to care much about me. The ones that do are my closest friends but it always seems like they have other things going on in their life to the point in which no matter what I say or how I tell them, it never seems pressing for them to actually worry about me.

Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe because I put up such a good facade that I am okay - they all believe it. There's a saying somewhere that goes along the lines of "Real friends will know something is wrong even if you're putting on your best face to hide it". I have maybe one or two friends that know when I am like this. They can just tell the minute they start talking to me. It's in the "hi" and the tone of my voice. They just know. I'm really good at spotting this with other people - but for some reason, I guess I've gotten really good at hiding who I am and what I'm feeling.

Speaking of feelings. Today is not exactly a great day. I didn't work out last night - I ate like a pig. I feel completely tired and drained despite getting the most sleep in one evening all week. I guess it was too much. I watched 'Good Luck Chuck' last night. Not exactly a cinematic masterpiece but I enjoyed it. The main female character (played by Jessica Alba) works with and is obsessed with Penguins! Perfect movie for me. And of course, Dane Cook is the male lead - so really - the best of both worlds for me. I'll spare the details of the movie but let's just say it hit home big time. Not necessarily in the male character's disposition but in wanting to find that special someone.

I have been single (meaning no intense or serious relationships) for almost five years (Feb 12th this year). Now, that being said, I guess in a way I am kind of itching for that special someone. It's only natural. I'm kind of at the age where people start to meet someone that they think will be their special someone but I have resolved myself into believing that I am okay being single. Part of me is, most of me isn't. I am officially over my ex - the one that broke my heart. I have found myself again but am still learning about the strength that I have and the situations that I can deal with. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life and although I am only 26, I definitely feel like I have a lifetime of experiences - with the hopes of many more. However, at this point in time, I'd like some of those experiences to be with someone else too. I love sharing my life with people and I miss companiionship and love. I do. I truly miss being in love with someone. Lately, I have been seeing or whatever you want to call it with a guy that I really like. I don't think he's the one - I'm pretty sure I'm just kind of a convenience. In a way, he's a convenience for me too. I get physical and some emotional attention from him. Not nearly enough for what I am looking for - but then - he's pretty shy and isn't that experienced with women. (for some reason I always seem to find guys who are either emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable - I have problems)

Taking the above paragraph into consideration - I read something this morning from a fellow blogger who happens to be friends with a close friend of mine. It kind of hit home. I thought I'd share:

(in no way are any of the following words mine - but I definitely can relate)

I can honestly say that I have had some foul experiences when it comes to
relationships. Some really bad ones with some really bad outcomes. But there
was a lot of good that did come out of those relationships and that comes out of
any relationship that ends up not working out. You learn more about yourself,
more about what you believe and stand for, and you learn more about what is
important in the course of making yourself happy. I have learned a lot from
those experiences and I feel that those experiences have made me more aware of
what is important in my own life and what I would be looking for in someone
else.

Here is my whole attitude when it comes to dating. You might find someone
attractive at the bar. Honestly, its probably not going to work out. The bar
is an easy place to hide who you truly are behind nice clothes, little self prep
work, and of course alcohol. How can you honestly find someone that you are
going to be compatible with when you meet them in a loud, smoky, crowded
environment, on top of the fact that you are probably drunk! I don't get it. I'm not
saying don't go out to the bar, just don't expect anything quality out of it.

Really the person that you are going to find is probably going to be one of many
things. A person you met through classes when you weren't looking your best nor
in the best attitude. A person that has become your close friend and has
blended the boundaries between friend and "more than a friend". A person that
you bumped into in passing at one point in time and you were lit up by not only
their appearance but by the warmth you felt with their smile. Also, that person
that you lived down the hall from all year and didn't have enough guts to have
more than a superficial conversation with. This is where this all stems from.

You can't find love by looking for it. I take that back, you can create a false
sense of it and find that, but you truly can't find the truth and purity
associated with having love find you. Its not about forcing a connection, its about creating an experience. Its not about sitting back, it is about
taking risks and finding out the truth when you truly have feelings for someone
else. Honest and sincere feelings that fully eclipse the instant physical
attraction that you might have with someone. Its not about taking advantage of
the time you have with a person, it is merely being thankful for the time that
you have spent with that person.


----------

All that being said - I think I'm doing alright, even if I am having a shitty day.