The Constant Change Equation....

As many of you may have noticed....I changed the title of my blog. Although the web address is still the same (because I couldn't find one that worked) - the title and the perspectives have.

I think what I'm going to start doing is writing more about the constant change occurring in my life - rather than the sadness or depressing stuff. No one wants to read that anyway, right? I can't guarantee that I won't ever write about it again - especially if I need to vent about my Mother - but for the most part - it'll be about the changes that are occurring on a daily basis.

All that being said - I've been thinking about this idea for awhile. Changes in relationships. Relationships with friends, with boyfriends/exboyfriends, family, etc. These changes are definitely things have have affected me in several ways. I'd like to start with the changes in my family. I'll start with immediate family first (lucky you guys, I only have five of those)....then possibly move on to other family.

My Mother
Y'all have heard me vent/rant about my Mother on here. You have seen what I've written about how I feel about her. The thing is, my mother has definitely changed since I remember her as a child. I think part of that change came from the divorce and she never recovered from it. My mom holds in a lot of anger and resentment. She definitely doesn't know what to do with her displaced emotions. She habors them and then when the time is right, she'll unleash all that she has (which if we're talkin' Biblical...it's a Wrath and a Half...yeah...it's pretty bad).

You've all heard me say numerous times that I love my mom. I do. I love her. She's the only one I have. She'll always be my mom. But G.D....can't she just mind her own freakin' business every-once-in-a-while? The changes I've seen in my mother since I've moved back home are insurmountable. She went from being all super happy to having both her daughters home....to......"OHMYGOD I HAVE TO GET MY KNEES REPLACED...MY LIFE IS OVER." Drama Queen. Now mind you, she's ALWAYS been a drama queen...and a martyr...and a saint....(according to her). It's just - in this last month, the constant change of her emotional spectrum is exhausting. I think I might have to agree with my dad. She's most likely Bi-Polar. I wish she would get someone to talk to....then maybe she wouldn't be the way she is.

The changes that have occurred with my mother follow a pattern that follow two paths, 1. When I'm living at home and 2. When I'm not living at home. When I am living at home, my life is - in general - not my own. When I am living on my own - my life is mine again. That being said - look for more posts about all of this in the future.

Who am I kidding.....ha

My Father
The changes in the relationship(s) with my dad isn't really anything too drastic. If anything, I think it's gotten better with age. The fact that he and I are so similar in the way we approach things (even if I am being irrational some times and he tells me that I am being like my mother) helps a lot. Before I lived back at home, he and I talked probably three or four times a week. That still remains the same...even though I'm pretty busy. The changes in my life haven't allowed me to visit him that often...but I know he just feels better knowing I'm in the area.

My dad (at times) does still see me as his little girl. Which is endearing and some times bothersome...but more endearing than anything. I could never live at his house. He has a problem with me having guys over. (yes, I'm 29...he doesn't care...which is his prerogative. It would be his house - if I lived with him - anyway). But he also sees me as an adult. A responsible adult. One that he turns to when he needs to vent. That....makes me feel so good. :-) It's nice to know someone can rely on you and genuinely wants your input/feedback. I think the reason my dad and I have such a great relationship that sustains the constant change is because we both understand that things evolve...and as time moves on...we all move forward.

I didn't really start opening up to my dad until I was in college. I was so busy in high school that I didn't really think about too many things. When I started to get sick in college, I started telling my dad more and more things. I can only imagine how it must've felt on his end hearing me say such horrible things about myself. Probably the same way Derek felt when I'd say them to him. Helpless. But the difference between boyfriends and Dad's is that Dad's are forever...and I'm so glad mine didn't give up on me :-)

My Sister
Ah my sister. My sister and I are definitely NOT two peas in a pod. We are pretty opposite. I wouldn't say as far opposite as you can get...but definitely different from each other. More and more I hear myself saying, "I wonder where the old Kelly went?" and as more and more time goes by, I've been thinking...was I making this old Kelly up?

Of all the people in my family, I'd say my sister is the one that has changed the most. She's had a lot of things come her way in the last 10+ years...which would undoubtedly change anyone. Unfortunately, these things have seemed to not change her for the better. Am I glad she's home again, definitely. Do I wish she had a different perspective on life, without a doubt.

I'm not gonna go on a whole diatribe about my sister...because, well, I don't need to. Basically what y'all need to know is that in a world of constant change...she isn't. And she's scared. Fear is the quickest way to not change. She's allowing it to control her life right now. I can only hope she finds her way out. I'm willing to help her if she wants it...but honestly....most of the "heavy lifting" has to be done on her own.

My Stepdad
Bruce is pretty much awesome. Seriously. If any of you know him...he's just the nicest man ever. I don't know how my mom lucked out. She doesn't treat him the way he should be treated..but he is totally ok with that. He loves the neighborhood. He loves the neighbors. He loves me and kelly. He's content. He just goes with the flow. Sometimes I'd give anything to have his attitude on life. Of course, he's seen some bad stuff (Vietnam Vet) so I can imagine that will put everything into perspective for a person.

The only change with Bruce is that he's pretty consistently awesome. :-)

My Stepmom
Jo is just as awesome herself. I definitely lucked out in these Step Parents categories. I could've ended up with the "evil" stepparents. Not so. Thankfully I have Jo to talk to when I need someone to listen. The changes between her and I since I came home have all been positive too. The fact that I know I'll always have an open and non-judgemental ear to listen to me is so amazing.

The relationship I've had with Joanne has evolved over the years. When I first met Jo I was pretty young and some of my first memories with her aren't until 12 or 13. I remember having a difficult time accepting her at first. She was nice. Always nice. But I wasn't sure how I was going to allow her in my life or if I was going to open up to her. As I got older, I realized I really liked spending time with her. I got to talk to her more and get to know her a little better. One HUGE factor was that I grew up. Emotionally....Physically....Literally. And that helped the relationship. It's safe to say Jo is one of my go-to people when I need to vent. I'm grateful for that.

okay okay - enough of the ramblings....next post will be better!

I just takes some time...little girl...in the middle..

So I had the most AMAZING run today - I wanted to keep running but I figured not to overdo it all at once. I'll get up to the length of miles I need to run. Today was 8.5! Sunday was 7 - and I think the next time I run will be Saturday so I'll probably run 10 miles:-) and then do the same progression the following week.

Right now - I'm watching Sex and The City Movie. The scene where Big doesn't show up for the wedding just happened. I couldn't watch. I just. I know that feeling of not being able to breathe - of not knowing what I was going to do because the only person that I could see myself with - decided that wasn't going to happen.

For a while I've been trying to tell myself that I will be ok. I will find someone - no matter how much I don't believe it all the time.

I want to believe it - I really do - and I hope that its ok - I really hope I do find someone. I'm just - I worry about it a lot. I kind of want to really find someone - now. But I know I can't just rush into things. I know I don't want to settle for someone just because they're here right now. GAHHHHHH!

I need to freakin' chill the EF out!

I was Sitting, Waiting, Wishing......

you believed in superstitions,
then maybe you'd see the signs.
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

.....Jack Johnson. Gotta love him. Now I realize this song has a particular (singular) person in mind....but lately - I've been trying to understand why I must always be waiting - "waiting on love". Granted - I haven't really put myself out there in the last few years - mainly because I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it again. That being said - someone reading this who doesn't really know my past would probably think, "gee, what's wrong with her? What happened that made it so hard for her to trust herself to fall for someone else?" Yeah - well - I won't get into exactly who it was - but honestly - pinning it on someone else is a lame excuse - I prefer to say that it was me - because really - it was.

I was the one that wouldn't let others in. I was the one that couldn't see beyond what I had in front of me. I was the one that (in some odd way) still had hopes that things would change. I was also the one that believed that it would just...happen. You know? Like how they say it happens - when you're not looking for it?

I'm venturing into a new world for myself. I'm actually accepting dates with guys and going out with them. I know - amazing - not. I realize this is a normal thing for other girls - but as I was talking with my best friend yesterday - I think I'm just so into my own schedule (and I actually LIKE it) that I have a hard time giving it up for someone who I don't even know is worthy of my time - does that make sense? Like - I'm pretty much at the point in my life where I know what I want - what I want from a guy and what I want for myself with them. Some may see that as picky but I think it's just something I deserve.

Everyone has their "sob stories" so to speak - "I've had a hard life....I went through so much to get to this point....I can't believe I made it to where I am now" bleh bleh. And I don't mean to dismiss them in any way - but really the obstacles we overcome to get to the places we're at in life right now - make us who we are - and I truly believe they help us figure out more of who we are than anything or anyone else could. Yes - a guy broke my heart - but it was the way I overcame that and the way I decided I was going to live my life from that point forward. I have no one to "blame" or "applaud" but myself. I think people forget to applaud for themselves too often.

Example: A friend of mine is looking to change the direction of his life....and he doesn't know how to do it. Flat out. He said, " I just don't know how to start it - can you tell me?" I remember feeling like that. Feeling like I didn't know what to do or where to go. Not just with the direction of my life but moreso with how I was supposed to start seeing guys again. It's all one in the same really. The best way I can put it - and excuse me for stealing their motto but "JUST DO IT". Now is the time - just start and go. GO.

Too often I found myself just sitting and waiting and wishing that something/someone would just come along. Yes - I won't say it NEVER happens. I know it does - but the majority of the time - it doesn't. In the last few years I've realized if I want something/someone - I've just got to go after it and get it. No one will hand it to me - no one will be like "Katie, here's a platter of all the delicious choices of men you have to choose from - if you take platter A you'll get a tall dark and handsome man....or if you choose platter B you'll get a blonde surfer type guy who has the body but no brains". It just doesn't happen (wouldn't that be nice though!).

So I guess in a way I follow up my last post with this one in the same mentality that I just have to "suck it up".

It's scary though. I'm not gonna lie. I'm at the point where I'm contantly reminding myself that just because a guy likes me doesn't mean I have to like him back. Of course guys will like me - I'm awesome:-) I can't lose sight of who I am - I made that mistake once....never again. I refuse to tell myself that my interests are not as important has his - nor will I stop being the sports loving girl that I am. It's exciting too - it's nice to feel liked. It's been awhile since someone - outside of friendship - has genuinely been interested in me.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Again - gotta love The Fray. They know what they're talking about - in fact - that whole album is awesome - GET IT! It's almost as great as Coldplay XY - but not exactly.

Did you know - in the 1600s, the spleen was said to be the source of emotion and passion? Yeah - neither did I. Interesting stuff you learn when you watch the travel channel - well, ok, Anthony Bourdain. I love that show.

ANYWAY - today - I just kind of feel like I am going through the motions of life. Ever have those days? Where you're there but you're not? I am putting up the best facade right now. No one has any idea what I'm feeling on the inside and no one really has any clue that I really just don't want to be here today. In fact, I was really moments from not coming in today - I don't want to come in tomorrow either - but I know if I don't, everything I have to do will just be waiting for me on Friday. Maybe I'll come in tomorrow - finish everything - then take off on Friday. After all, I am working all weekend and if I don't take off Friday - I won't have a day off - unless I just work the rest of the week and take off on Monday - but that's usually the best day to get stuff finished so probably Friday.

Have you ever had those days or times when you think - does it even matter if I am here? Would people miss me if I was gone? Will I ever find someone that completes my life?

It's a contemplative day - if you can't tell.

I keep seeing all these eHarmony, match, chemistry commercials. Grrrr. It's aggravating. I think they work for some people - and honestly - I've used one of them - but do I really want to meet my future husband that way? Shouldn't I just leave it up to fate or destiny. That being said - do I really believe in either of them? Some people say you create your own destiny and others say you can only do so much and then the rest is left up to fate. I flip flop on this issue because sometimes I believe the former is true and some times I believe the ladder is true. Right now - I am being defeatist and letting myself believe that there is only so much I can do but the rest is left up to fate.

Very defeatist day too - actually pretty defeatist month - and my year hasn't exactly started that great either. I was hoping that 2008 would be a "banner" year - as they say - but I am learning - that really - it's the luck of the draw, a crap shoot if you will.

I was listening to an old song (and by old I mean from 1999) this morning when I was doing some work - remember that Graduation Speech that was turned into a song, "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen"? Yeah - that was the "song" I listened to. The lyrics always get me - and kind of put me in a daze - especially this one part:

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

and

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

and

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Just gets me every time.

There are certain people....

You just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder
Could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
~The Fray



Isn't this just the story of my life......only for some reason, I've been waiting - what is my problem?

I've got another confession to make.....

I'm your fool. Everyone's got their chains to break. Holdin' you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

~Foo Fighters

A little Foo to get the day started. I love that song. And not just because I love the Foo - but because it is a song that always reminds me that even though at one point in my life, there was someone who did do that to me - I refuse to let it happen again.

However - I can't help but think how much former boyfriends - and one in particular - has made it so difficult for me to move on. Fortunately, I am at a place in my life that I am happy again - and am ready, I think, to be serious with someone again. Wish I knew who that would be. Wish it would be the one that I want it to be with. Unfortunately, he isn't sure that it's what he wants. Not that I know that for sure - especially with the way he reacts to seeing me. But - he hasn't told me otherwise and therefore I don't have a lot to go on except the times we spend together - which haven't been that often.

I do still have problems with things. For example, I still hold back. Nearly all the time. It's because of Derek that I do. I used to volunteer information to people without them asking. In the last few years, I stopped doing that. Not because I don't want people to know me - but mainly because I used to tell people things that they either didn't need to know or things that didn't matter to them. I know I have moments where I am sitting and listening to certain people (those that aren't close friends) and wondering why they are telling me certain intricate details of their life. It's one thing if you're a close friend of mine - then I am genuinely interested, but it's another if you're just an acquaintance. However, I do realize that some people don't really have anyone they can talk to and so I'm really ok with being that person that they either use as a sounding board or just someone to listen. We all need someone to listen to us. But I digress......

Back to my main point. I hold back. I will not tell people things about my life unless they ask. I figure, if they don't ask, they don't really want to know - and I realized in the last few years - people rarely ask me about me - unless it's my parents, sister, and that handful of friends I have that I know are genuinely interested in my life. I want to be more open with people - I do - and with my close friends, the ones I know I can trust, I am. I'm pretty sure the biggest reason as to why I am afraid to open up to someone, well - a guy that I'm interested in - is because the last time I did that, he was my best friend. And when I lost him - it devastated my whole world. He was my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my life. And when I lost that - I felt like I lost everything.

Nearly five years later, I know more about who I am and what I want and what I don't want.

What I want for me:
To not lose myself - who I am and what it means to be an independent person.
To have them compliment me - and not let myself take on the life and the person that they are.
To be secure enough to know that I deserve to be treated right and not let the person I am with make me feel like my feelings don't matter.
To be confident and happy and not let my self worth bet determined by whether they call me or contact me
To trust them.

What I don't want:
Someone who doesn't know how they feel about me
Someone who is independent but can be with me
Someone who is confident and happy with who they are
Someone who knows I am trustworthy, patient, and kind and care about them just as much as I care about me.
Someone who talks to me - communicates with me - tells me how they are/what they're feeling and what they need and is receptive to the same with me.
Comfort and care - love and honesty.

I realize it's kind of a tall order but I know I deserve those things because those are the things that I would give them - and they wouldn't even have to ask.

I also know that the next guy I am that open with - well, he'll be someone I see as very special. There is someone I want to be that open with - but I'm pretty sure he's not ready for that and like I said - I don't think he wants that.

Right now - I find myself holding back in a lot of arenas, and I find myself holding back with the guy previously mentioned. But then, it could just be because he's holding back too - or at least - it feels that way. But then, I really wouldn't know - we haven't talked about it.

I can't believe he said that!

All in all - decent weekend. Stayed in on Friday - watched Hairspray and remembered why I love that movie so much! Saturday I really didn't do much - went to the gym did a good workout - and Saturday night hung out with Brian (former trainer and soon to be again) and Trish. Dadders was there too. Went up to Jax for a bit and then headed over to a house party for a co-worker who is leaving town in a week for a different job. She will be missed I'm sure.

The interesting part of my night happened at Jax. I guess when you give Brian a lot to drink he says things you don't really think he ever really thought of before. Like for example....up until last night...I didn't think Brian was ever interested in me as more than a friend....until he said, "If you were a little kinkier in bed we could date and things would be great katie."

I couldn't believe it - it was unexpected and although I felt it was out of the blue - I find it flattering - albeit a little confusing but nonetheless - it became an awkward moment and it's fine now - no harm no foul. I just sat back and said inside my head, "I can't believe he said that!"

After our galavanting at Jax, we went to the house party, like I said, and sure enough - was definitely NOT warned at a certain someone would be there. You would think that when you're called by someone who is there that they would mention it to me - ESPECIALLY since he was the one that told her to tell me to come over. I KNOW - RIGHT?! How do you accidentally forget to tell someone that HE is there when HE was the one that told you in the first place. Exactly. I don't know either.

Nonetheless - everything was okay - he and I chatted for a little bit and he asked me what I was doing today - I told him - left it wide open for him to ask me to do something with him today - NOPE. Whatever. I really need to get over him and this situation! It is frustrating me to no end - as per previous entries - I am having dreams about my frustration and I am not too happy about that. It has been a long time since I've allowed a guy to affect my dreams the way he has. AND WE AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER nor were we! GRRRRRRRRRRR >:-{

whatevs - i am drowning - i have to find a way back up to the surface

Everything Changes

Every girl in class had a crush on him. He was the boy that wasn't just smart but an athlete - and to top it all off - he was the cutest boy in their class, no, on the Green Team.

Paul was the tallest boy in class, he was a fast grower and all the better for him too because he was the quarterback for his age group in his local football organization. The same organization that she cheered for, which meant she got to see him on the weekends too. Only problem was, there were a few other girls in class that cheered for that same organization AND were on her team.

She doesn't entirely remember how but there was some way Paul knew she had a crush on him. Either way, he was still really nice to her and still asked her for help - because even though he knew he was smart, he knew she was smarter. They helped each other in science a lot.

In sixth grade, middle school, everything changes. You start to change classrooms and teachers for subjects. Because she was on the Green Team, there were only two teachers. Most of the other teams, except for one, had three teachers. Still, that meant there were other kids in her classes that didn't stay all day. On top of which, her special classes like gym and music had even more kids that weren't on her team in them.

It was at these moments that the crush she had on Paul would dissipate and she realized she liked more than one boy. Paul would still be the main crush but several other crushes lied within boys like Matt (her fifth grade friend), Matt F (the boy that made fun of her all the time), and Derek (the boy who would become - to this date - her biggest crush and eventually her first love). But at that point in her life, none of them seemed to resonate as much as Paul did. The all american boy.

He called her what?.....

She knew it was going to be a good year. She had spent the summer before fifth grade playing and doing the normal things she had done with her friends since she was 5 except this year she went to school a week early. No, not because she was trying to get a head start on learning. She wasn't that much of a nerd. She went in every day in the morning for a few hours so she could help some of the teachers get their classrooms situated and maybe even meet her new teacher - to get a better idea of what she could expect for the upcoming school year.

Ms. M Hoffmann would be her teacher this year (said like that because there was a Ms. E Hoffman, of no relation - but the name plates outside the door were written as such).

As it turned out, Ms. M Hoffmann had already set up her classroom so she went ahead and helped some of her other favorite teachers that she knew from older friends and her sister.

The school year started the same as any other - but this year she was determined to strive to be the best student in class. Unfortunately a couple of new textbooks were really difficult for her and the rest of the class to understand - so there were several curves on history exams. This was fine with her because she didn't really care much for tests anyway. It was the learning and class participation that she strived for. It was in those moments that she shined and was noticed, as she so often thought he would notice her. Turns out, it wasn't in just those moments that he noticed her, it was all the time.

His name was Matt and she had the BIGGEST crush on him. It was her biggest one to date and she certainly couldn't help but stare at him occasionally. Every so often she would catch him doing the same to her - and he would quickly look down at his paper and pretend to be reading or talk to his deskmate, John.

Matt was, in her opinion, one of the cutest kids in class. He was shy and quiet and even though they rarely had any kind of contact or interaction, she liked him. No need for explanations in fifth grade. You just like people.

The desks in Ms. M Hoffmann's room were situated in pairs on the two outside rows and threes in the middle row - with four rows of each, making 28 kids to the class. She sat on the end of a group of three, third row back. He sat one row in front of her to the right and on the end closest to her. And although the seating arrangements changed every so often, this was the arrangement that was easiest for her to see him whenever she wanted. What she hadn't planned on was being able to see John too - and inadvertently, having a crush on him too.

The day came that she let some of her friends in class know that she liked Matt but somehow it ended up being said to John instead and because of that, John - it turned out - liked her too. When her friends came back to her and asked her if she would want to "go out" with John (which in fifth grade means you call that person your girlfriend or boyfriend and you talk to each other at recess and thats about it), she immediately reacted and said yes. This would be her first boyfriend. A boyfriend! she thought to herself. But then, as her friends had already left her and walked away, she realized - no - I don't like him. I like Matt. What is wrong with me? So, when her friends came back - and she was "going out" with John, she told her friends and set them straight. They went and told John the change and when they came back to her they told her, "Yeah we told him. He said you're a bitch".

He called her what? How old were they?....all of 10 and 11?! He called her a bitch. She had never been called that before. And even though she knew what the word was and knew how it was meant to be used, she just couldn't believe someone would think that about her. All the while, she still liked Matt but because of the entire situation, she felt it was just better to cool it with the boys and kept her crushes to herself from that point on. And her crush on Matt would remain a crush - and kept in secrecy for no one to know.

Starting Over

I had a blog - but it was erased by accident - which is fine - it gives me an excuse to write about what I really want to write about - me.

Turns out - for as many friends and the few close friends I have - most of them don't always know what to say to me and even beyond that, can't relate to my experiences. More often than not, I am the one that they come to for comfort and compassion. I have no problem with that. The main thing here is that I get the opportunity to express myself without having to worry about others judging me. I love my friends and know that the real ones wouldn't do that, but like I said, most of them can't seem to relate to my experiences. Plus, most of them (as awful as this sounds) don't listen or if they do, they never seem to care much about me. The ones that do are my closest friends but it always seems like they have other things going on in their life to the point in which no matter what I say or how I tell them, it never seems pressing for them to actually worry about me.

Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe because I put up such a good facade that I am okay - they all believe it. There's a saying somewhere that goes along the lines of "Real friends will know something is wrong even if you're putting on your best face to hide it". I have maybe one or two friends that know when I am like this. They can just tell the minute they start talking to me. It's in the "hi" and the tone of my voice. They just know. I'm really good at spotting this with other people - but for some reason, I guess I've gotten really good at hiding who I am and what I'm feeling.

Speaking of feelings. Today is not exactly a great day. I didn't work out last night - I ate like a pig. I feel completely tired and drained despite getting the most sleep in one evening all week. I guess it was too much. I watched 'Good Luck Chuck' last night. Not exactly a cinematic masterpiece but I enjoyed it. The main female character (played by Jessica Alba) works with and is obsessed with Penguins! Perfect movie for me. And of course, Dane Cook is the male lead - so really - the best of both worlds for me. I'll spare the details of the movie but let's just say it hit home big time. Not necessarily in the male character's disposition but in wanting to find that special someone.

I have been single (meaning no intense or serious relationships) for almost five years (Feb 12th this year). Now, that being said, I guess in a way I am kind of itching for that special someone. It's only natural. I'm kind of at the age where people start to meet someone that they think will be their special someone but I have resolved myself into believing that I am okay being single. Part of me is, most of me isn't. I am officially over my ex - the one that broke my heart. I have found myself again but am still learning about the strength that I have and the situations that I can deal with. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life and although I am only 26, I definitely feel like I have a lifetime of experiences - with the hopes of many more. However, at this point in time, I'd like some of those experiences to be with someone else too. I love sharing my life with people and I miss companiionship and love. I do. I truly miss being in love with someone. Lately, I have been seeing or whatever you want to call it with a guy that I really like. I don't think he's the one - I'm pretty sure I'm just kind of a convenience. In a way, he's a convenience for me too. I get physical and some emotional attention from him. Not nearly enough for what I am looking for - but then - he's pretty shy and isn't that experienced with women. (for some reason I always seem to find guys who are either emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable - I have problems)

Taking the above paragraph into consideration - I read something this morning from a fellow blogger who happens to be friends with a close friend of mine. It kind of hit home. I thought I'd share:

(in no way are any of the following words mine - but I definitely can relate)

I can honestly say that I have had some foul experiences when it comes to
relationships. Some really bad ones with some really bad outcomes. But there
was a lot of good that did come out of those relationships and that comes out of
any relationship that ends up not working out. You learn more about yourself,
more about what you believe and stand for, and you learn more about what is
important in the course of making yourself happy. I have learned a lot from
those experiences and I feel that those experiences have made me more aware of
what is important in my own life and what I would be looking for in someone
else.

Here is my whole attitude when it comes to dating. You might find someone
attractive at the bar. Honestly, its probably not going to work out. The bar
is an easy place to hide who you truly are behind nice clothes, little self prep
work, and of course alcohol. How can you honestly find someone that you are
going to be compatible with when you meet them in a loud, smoky, crowded
environment, on top of the fact that you are probably drunk! I don't get it. I'm not
saying don't go out to the bar, just don't expect anything quality out of it.

Really the person that you are going to find is probably going to be one of many
things. A person you met through classes when you weren't looking your best nor
in the best attitude. A person that has become your close friend and has
blended the boundaries between friend and "more than a friend". A person that
you bumped into in passing at one point in time and you were lit up by not only
their appearance but by the warmth you felt with their smile. Also, that person
that you lived down the hall from all year and didn't have enough guts to have
more than a superficial conversation with. This is where this all stems from.

You can't find love by looking for it. I take that back, you can create a false
sense of it and find that, but you truly can't find the truth and purity
associated with having love find you. Its not about forcing a connection, its about creating an experience. Its not about sitting back, it is about
taking risks and finding out the truth when you truly have feelings for someone
else. Honest and sincere feelings that fully eclipse the instant physical
attraction that you might have with someone. Its not about taking advantage of
the time you have with a person, it is merely being thankful for the time that
you have spent with that person.


----------

All that being said - I think I'm doing alright, even if I am having a shitty day.