The part in which I have a nervous breakdown....

I've been holding it together pretty well. At least, I think I have.

I'm extremely guilty of holding in my emotions WAY too much. This time is no exception.

The last few nights I've had a lot of different dreams. Last night I had a doozie of a dream. I've told y'all about them before and although I'm not going to divulge the details at this moment....let's just say this one kind of put me over the edge. I feel as though I need someone to help me wipe my subconscious from having dreams about this particular person. It does me no favors and actually upsets. A LOT.

Figured out who it is yet?

Aside from the stupidest dreams in the world....my life is completely topsy turvy right now. I feel like I'm going in a million different directions but am completely still.

I got an email from the director of Student Teaching yesterday telling me she received some paperwork for clearances at LM. LM has my clearances. Not only that, but I'm an employee there. The director of ST basically told me, "I hope you know how to handle this".....which, of course, sent me into an anxious spiral downward. For those that know my SINGLE issue that I have on my record...I can't imagine a school wouldn't let me student teach when I ALREADY WORK FOR THEM! I've been trying to calm myself and dispel the anxiety but it doesn't really seem to be working.

Along with that....I'm completely worried about my sister. It's kind of all my dad and I talk about these days. And he does ask me about me...but I feel like my life is kind of taking a back seat these days. Just in general...not because of anything else.

I can't focus. I can't make up a decision.

On top of which, I've been discussing some things with a few friends lately about guys. Yep. It wouldn't be a Katiefitz post without something about guys.

Truth be told...it has been SO long since I've been in a real relationship that even if a guy wanted to date me...I really wouldn't know what to do or how to be. Some people tell me that it'll be natural and you won't feel like you have to change too much. But is that really true? I find myself in situations where I am perfectly content with going home to myself. I find myself being attracted to guys who are completely unavailable because I am too and I know if I find someone as busy as me, then I won't have to feel badly that I'm not willing to make time for them......sounds terrible but it's where I'm at right now.

But then...how does that change? Because, you see, I do want all those things. I want a boyfriend...I want the eventual marriage...I want kids too. How do I make the transition from this life to a different one? Or have I gotten myself so engrained in the single life that I might never get out? It makes me anxious thinking about it.....

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”~Oprah Winfrey

Crippling Anxiety

That's basically what I have right now....

In the last week I haven't been able to fall asleep without the aide of a sleeping pill/night-time medicine (I've been having MAJOR sinus pain). Last night, I attempted to fall asleep without any help - around 12:45 I gave up and took some Advil PM. Normally that stuff makes me groggy the next morning and I oversleep. So I set my alarm a little later but instead of waking up after a solid 7 hours - I was wide awake at 6. Yup. 5 Hours. I suppose that's better than nothing - but what I woke up with was this anxiety....the same kind of anxiety that I get when I'm having a panic attack. I was on the verge of one last night.

Why?! Ugh. Just when I thought things would start to settle a bit - I have SO MUCH going on and most of it is in my head. I'm even finished with my Spring classes so i should feel some sort of relief....but no dice. New things to worry about. Yesterday I re-wrote my schedule out so I could see what exactly was on my plate. It didn't seem like it was THAT much - but I just can't turn my brain off. I've been trying to read before I go to sleep at night - I didn't do that last night (the phillies were on). Maybe I need to stick with that no matter what.....I'll try again tonight.

So what's on my mind? Here's the list:
-Summer Swimming (getting everything together for that)
-Getting my student teaching stuff together (there's a whole list of things to do with this)
-RTFoundation Golf Outing and my complete fail on doing anything good for it. I'm a terrible board member. Seriously.
-Closing my business bank acct
-Finishing up the Lacrosse Season
-Finding people to cover for me at Baldwin
-The Vet and what's happening with that (this is probably the biggest thing on my mind. I have no control over that situation and it's killing me).


For those of you who have no idea who the Vet is - no, it's not a war veteran ha! He's a veterinarian that I've been out with once and hung out at his place twice. He brought up the topic of boyfriend/girlfriend and I'm worried I answered the questions incorrectly. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday - and although I texted him on Friday to say hi - nothing since then. He knows how busy my schedule is - but I can't help but think - if he was really in to me - wouldn't he at least say hi or send me a text or something? I also keep thinking he's waiting for me to do that since he knows how busy I am. But, ugh....what I'd really like to do is see him again so I can talk with him about everything we talked about last time we saw each other.

What did he ask/what did I say? He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend.....and I didn't really know what to say because I just went into the situation with an open mind thinking if it works that's great, if not, I move forward. And so I asked him if he was looking for a girlfriend and in not so many words he basically said yes. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend - it's that I didn't think about it like that. I just figured if it evolved, it evolved....ya know? So now I don't know what to do.....I'm so tempted to call him and just be like - "I like you to the point where I'm thinking about you a lot...and I like that. I also want to see where things go between us..." but is that too forward? I've been accused in the past of being too forward and too aggressive with guys - is this too aggressive? How do I handle this?

I also don't like not knowing when I'll see him next. I'm REALLY busy this week (last one for awhile) but Friday and Saturday I'm relatively open - it's only Monday but I almost want to ask him now if he's free this coming weekend....is that too early? I feel like, again, he's waiting for me to initiate that because my schedule is much more hectic than his...thoughts?

My week this week:
Today - Run/Try to close my bank acct/Cabrini til?/Night game away @ Garnet Valley
Tuesday - Teach Spin 9:15/Cabrini til 4/Lax Practice/SVAL meeting 6pm - 8:30
Wednesday - Run/Errands/Lax Practice/Baldwin?
Thursday - LM Activities Fair 9-11am/Cabrini 11:30-2:30/Lax Game Home/Awards Dinner 7-9:30pm
Friday - Run/Lax Practice 3-5

It's a good thing I'm so OCD about my schedules.....ugh. I hate not being in control of my emotions. In one way, it's great because I'm actually opening up to someone and I haven't done that in a LONG time (someone that wasn't one of my best friends)...but it's so scary because there's so much uncertainty right now that I feel like I've opened up too much and now I'm going to get hurt. :-/ Things worked out well with some of the other guys because I never got SO attached (with obviously the exception of Dennis - although I'm not THAT attached to him) that it was tough to let it go. It got easier and easier as time went on. And to be honest - the Vet - I really REALLY like him......

ugh.....anxiety. I hatses.

I'm off to run to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.

Do not worry.....

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:25-34

I often think of this bible passage when things start to get a bit anxious or hectic for me. I thought last week my troubles were quelled - little did I realize a few things:

1. The Student Teaching deadline for certain schools is earlier than some - Lower Merion is one of them. I need to get my information in before April 1. Yes, that's two weeks away - but - I'd like to have a teacher lined up for it so I don't have to worry about possibly not coaching next year. That - would seriously be devastating for me. I actually am even considering putting off student teaching for a semester if I can't get placed at Lower Merion simply because I want to keep coaching there. Yes, that means my life takes a backseat but then you understand how important coaching this team and these girls are to me.

2. I worry that I'm not doing a good job with coaching lacrosse. Nothing has been brought to my attention about it and the head coach hasn't said anything to make me think this - I'm just preemptively worrying. I know, I know - silly. But you know me, I like to be good at everything I do!

3. Money - it's always a big factor and a high anxiety topic for me. I don't have much. I want to move out. I'm looking for a summer job that helps me to do this - but then, if I can't student teach - I'll have to find a regular job that still allows me to coach. SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! I also have to figure out how I'm going to pay for student teaching (isn't that a rip-off? you have to pay to student teach? lame). I've been thinking about talking to my Aunt Kim and seeing if she'll give me the money that she's leaving me for inheritance, early, so that I can pay for it. I don't think it's totally implausible since she was giving Kelly money for grad school.

I suppose the biggest thing on my mind right now is the student teaching thing. I already have an email out to a teacher and hopefully she can help point me in the right direction. I just really want things to finally work out for me. I suppose the anxiety is my own fault since I should've probably looked at the deadline sooner and had this thing wrapped up. I'd like to be able to bring my student teaching papers in this week so I don't have to scramble at the last minute. God, I'm a mess.

All the world's a stage....

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

~Billy Shakespeare, As You Like It

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I went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream last night. So no, that quote does not pertain to the play I saw - but it got me thinking. Shakespeare not only wrote about what he knew, but what he was fascinated by.

If you aren't familiar with AMND, it's basically quartet of stories: 1. A king and queen who are set to be wed out of Athens. 2. A pair of "adolescents" where at the beginning both men are in love with one female and the other female is in love with one of the men (ah that unrequited love) but the female who has both of the men's affection is suppose to marry the one she isn't in love with (so says her father - damn those dad's!). 3. A fairy king and queen - and the king seeks revenge on the fairy queen because she will not give up a servant of hers. 4. A group of merrymakers whom basically serve as the comic relief in the play.

Overall, I'd say the play was good. I laughed a lot - which I should - it IS one of his comedies. But it got me thinking - especially the love square - how doting the one female character was on the male who didn't love her. She just didn't care. I think it's interesting especially since this happens so often to people. You fall for someone that clearly you know doesn't like you back and yet some how hope they'll change their mind. By the end of the play, the male does love her back but only because of a spell that was placed on him - not because he came to some realization about how wonderful she was/is.

I think it's a character almost everyone can relate to - regardless of whether your a man or woman. Don't we all essentially want to be loved? And don't we all wish it was the object of our affections that was doing the loving back?

I find myself stuck in this situation time and time again. Obviously - some of you are aware I've been trying to change that (see: new year's resolution). Unfortunately a slip up last weekend had me reeling and upset with myself. No, I shouldn't be this hard on myself for a mistake - and although in a way it felt like closure, I can't help but think - why would I allow it to happen? Yes, in the heat of the moment things like that just happen - but even the next morning? When all is clear in the light of day (who's the shakespeare now?!)?

I've never wondered if he did or didn't like me. It's very obvious that he does. But why should I let him dictate how things are supposed to be between us? I feel like I have a say in it too - of course - there is nothing that can be done if we've both said our piece and each of what we say is the opposite.

We haven't communicated all week. Nothing. Not one iota. Which got me thinking about another cliché saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". But does it really? Or does it just make the heart forget and move on? Some would say that if they really liked you, they would never forget you - others would probably agree with me to an extent. And yet some would definitely say - "he's SO not worth it, just move on...go out with that other guy".

And those are all fair paths. The thing is - and maybe this makes me sound crazy - but I do believe in signs. And lately - there have been a lot of them. And as odd as it sounds - they all kind of keep bringing me back to the idea that I shouldn't give up on him. Call me crazy - and I'm sure a lot of you will :-)

HOWEVER - I am not going to sit idly by and let nothing happen. I was thinking about it this morning......

Last night, as I mentioned, I went downtown to see a play. And I was invited out afterwards but did not go. I often wonder, "are my 'safe' choices boring or do they make for good outcomes?" A bit of an explanation - we have lacrosse practice today and I knew I wanted to go running before hand so instead of going out last night - I came home and went to bed. Lacrosse doesn't start til 11 - and I can easily go running afterwards - so what stopped me? Am I really THAT lame/boring? It had nothing to do with the people who asked me to be there. Nothing to do with not wanting to be out (I hardly ever go out). Nothing to do with being tired (although I was) because I easily could've pushed through and hung for a few hours. Am I in a rut?

I was texting Trish last night for a bit - G Love was playing in Orlando and a few months ago I was going to go down and see him and hang for the weekend. I ended up not going because I didn't know what my work schedule would be like. I should've gone. I could've used the vacation/break. I've been so overwhelmed this week with the change that I got sick. Although now that I'm thinking about it - I think it might just be allergies because the weather is getting nicer and I notice my eyes are feeling really sore from the wind/pollen getting in them. Still - the adjustment from one sport to the other made me anxious and nervous.

I had a panic attack on Tuesday night. And not just any panic attack. One like the ones I used to get when I was sick in college (read: eating disorder, anxiety). It was THAT bad. I mean - wake you up from a deep sleep to find yourself completely drenched in your own sweat and your heart racing a million miles a minute. Your mind starts wandering and you feel completely uncomfortable in your own bed not including your surroundings. You have no where to go but right where you are and all you can tell yourself is, "It's 1am, I have to be up in 5 hours - breathe, breathe, breathe - fall back asleep god damnit." Only you can't and you don't. Atleast not until 3, or so you think because that's the last time you actually looked at those beaming red numbers on your alarm clock. Your world has become topsy turvy in a matter of minutes and there's nothing you can do.

All the while your mind races about the past days events and the events to come later on that morning/day. You think that you're in over your head and the confidence that people admire in you is gone. If only people actually knew how frustrated and anxious you feel all the time.

But in reality - what you just read - is not as common as it used to be. THAT, was what used to happen to me on a nightly basis my Junior year of college. I can't even tell you how many phone calls I made to my dad at 1, 2, 3 in the morning because I was wide awake and panicking. It's scary. I hope there are no more to follow. I suppose only time will tell.

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If you're still with me after all of that....congrats....you now know most of my inner thoughts from the last week/day/night. I'm not a mess. Just sometimes I can't compartmentalize :-)

We have our swim banquet tomorrow afternoon - so sad. Can't believe our season went so fast. I already miss the girls and it's only been a week away from it. Here's hoping next year comes quickly!

So here are some questions to ponder:
DOES absence make the heart grow fonder? or do we just forget?
and
Are the choices that we consider 'safe', boring? or will the actually lead to good things?

Today is a new day....

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...”~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of my favorite authors. So true. He's right, and I know it. So why can't I seem to let things go? I wish I knew how to do that. I suppose I'm better at it some days than others. Right now, the way my life is right now, I am struggling letting go.

I have so many things on my mind. As amazing as Tuesday night was with my bestest, after yesterday, all the stress returned. Here's a list of just some of the things I have to accomplish within the next week and a half:

1. Presentation in my EDG class (tonight) - of which I am pretty sure I'm going to bomb....which sucks cause I don't want to.
2. Take the Praxis test (Saturday) - every practice test I've been taking, I've been doing miserably on the Reading/Writing sections and kicking the Math section's ass. Maybe I should've listened to my mom....and become a math teacher.
3. Last day of coaching (tomorrow) - which isn't stressful - but I just want to get it over with.
4. My cousin's graduation party (Saturday) after the Praxis test.
5. Organizing the 4th of July celebration at PSC - activities list and whatnot.
6. Plan a Ladies Night at PSC.
7. Plan Family Night at PSC.
8. Organize a Volunteer Schedule for the Foundation Golf Outing (this should actually be moved up on the list).
9. Write an email to Baldwin about my interest in becoming the Asst Swim Coach for the next school year.
10. Exercise so I don't lose my mind!
11. A final project for my EDG class - I haven't even started on this - the last class is a week from today. yah. Awesome.

BUT - today is a new day - what I need to do is make a reasonable list of what I can accomplish today and do it. So here's what I'm going to try and tackle today....

1. Run
2. PSC (organize the 4th and Ladies night)
3. Review my presentation for class - read over the information for the 8 minute lecture.
4. Class - present my topic.
5. Study my praxis stuff after class.

I still have yet to call my doctor about getting some kind of anti anxiety meds. I also need to make a lady doctor appt and a dentist appt. awesomeness.

Here's hoping that once this golf outing is over - my life will be MUCH more simplistic. But I'm not gonna lie. I'm REALLY NOT looking forward to turning 29 this year. Like almost to the point where I'm gonna cry about it. :-/

Less Adventures...More Stress

Yep, you read that correctly. Less dating adventures. More stress. Stress from what, you ask? Oh let's see. Where do I begin. I'll go in reverse order from a few minutes ago, to this morning/last night.

c. 9PM EST.
Finished my first (of what will be three more until I do better) practice PRAXIS tests. So I want to be an English teacher. Interestingly enough, I did the best on the Math section of the practice test. I did HORRIBLY on the Reading section and just as bad on the Writing. [[Sidenote: A few things I'm keeping in mind. It's been a long day. I haven't really been able to focus all day. I'm extremely tired. I'm trying to keep it in perspective. It's only the first one. I haven't studied at all. And I still have a few more days before the test so that's always a good thing.]]

c. 4-7PM EST.
Working at Cabrini. Nearly have a meltdown as I'm trying to study a bit for the Praxis tests. It wasn't that busy there today. I actually decided to get there early today because I just couldn't deal with being at the club any more.

c. 10:45AM -3:30PM EST.
Working at PSC. I kind of dreaded going in from the get-go. I'm forgetting things. Making stupid mistakes. Telling people interested in membership the wrong things, etc. I do account all this to be the result from the added stress of school and the Praxis prep. I'm thinking about a lot of things right now. When I get stressed I tend to forget things. That being said - I may be paranoid as well. I'm starting to think some of the guards (particularly the head guards) don't like me. Not that I expect them to be super excited to see me all the time, but I don't know, I just kind of get the sense that I'm not welcome any more. Not sure why. Not sure if I did something and don't know I did something. But the problem is a double edged sword. The guards I think have the issue are the kind of people that won't say anything (they'd rather bitch about it) and the other edge of the sword is if I do say something, I could be wrong and THEN they'll think I'm crazy. I've thought of just saying, "hey, are we cool?" or "hey, I think you're doing a great job - now that I've been here a bit - is there anything you might offer for advice as far as getting better acquainted?" - I don't know - maybe all those are stupid. Honestly - they don't have to like me. They don't. But I'd rather know if they don't - then I'll know how to approach them from here on...does that make sense?

c. 8:45 - 9:25AM
Running - 5.5 Miles - difficult. hot. humid. sweaty. bleh.

Last night I was in bed, getting ready to fall asleep. Watching the Tony's. My dad called. I started crying. It was better than the other night with crying. I got some of what was on my mind out - but it's still pretty weighted with thoughts and worry.

Today - I heard one of my favorite Barenaked Ladies songs. The lyrics are as follows:

I have set aside everything I love
I have saved everything else for you
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of
Though I thought over it through and through

In a book in a box high upon a shelf
In a locked and guarded vault
Are the things I keep only for myself
It's your fate but it's not your fault

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

There is nowhere else I would rather be,
but I can't just be right here
An enigma wrapped in a mystery,
or a fool consumed by fear

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I realized I've been keeping things for myself. I need to stop doing that so much. I have a terrible habit of it. TERRIBLE habit. I need to be better at getting it out.

As for the rest of the week. I'm hangin out with my bestest! tomorrow :-) Can't wait! Some much needed bff time - looking forward to it.

At some point tomorrow or Wednesday I'll need to take another practice Praxis test - then one Thursday and one on Friday. Saturday my test is at 12:30 and then it's my cousin's High School Graduation Party.

Also - PAUL COMES HOME ON FRIDAY!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!