Starting Over

I had a blog - but it was erased by accident - which is fine - it gives me an excuse to write about what I really want to write about - me.

Turns out - for as many friends and the few close friends I have - most of them don't always know what to say to me and even beyond that, can't relate to my experiences. More often than not, I am the one that they come to for comfort and compassion. I have no problem with that. The main thing here is that I get the opportunity to express myself without having to worry about others judging me. I love my friends and know that the real ones wouldn't do that, but like I said, most of them can't seem to relate to my experiences. Plus, most of them (as awful as this sounds) don't listen or if they do, they never seem to care much about me. The ones that do are my closest friends but it always seems like they have other things going on in their life to the point in which no matter what I say or how I tell them, it never seems pressing for them to actually worry about me.

Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe because I put up such a good facade that I am okay - they all believe it. There's a saying somewhere that goes along the lines of "Real friends will know something is wrong even if you're putting on your best face to hide it". I have maybe one or two friends that know when I am like this. They can just tell the minute they start talking to me. It's in the "hi" and the tone of my voice. They just know. I'm really good at spotting this with other people - but for some reason, I guess I've gotten really good at hiding who I am and what I'm feeling.

Speaking of feelings. Today is not exactly a great day. I didn't work out last night - I ate like a pig. I feel completely tired and drained despite getting the most sleep in one evening all week. I guess it was too much. I watched 'Good Luck Chuck' last night. Not exactly a cinematic masterpiece but I enjoyed it. The main female character (played by Jessica Alba) works with and is obsessed with Penguins! Perfect movie for me. And of course, Dane Cook is the male lead - so really - the best of both worlds for me. I'll spare the details of the movie but let's just say it hit home big time. Not necessarily in the male character's disposition but in wanting to find that special someone.

I have been single (meaning no intense or serious relationships) for almost five years (Feb 12th this year). Now, that being said, I guess in a way I am kind of itching for that special someone. It's only natural. I'm kind of at the age where people start to meet someone that they think will be their special someone but I have resolved myself into believing that I am okay being single. Part of me is, most of me isn't. I am officially over my ex - the one that broke my heart. I have found myself again but am still learning about the strength that I have and the situations that I can deal with. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life and although I am only 26, I definitely feel like I have a lifetime of experiences - with the hopes of many more. However, at this point in time, I'd like some of those experiences to be with someone else too. I love sharing my life with people and I miss companiionship and love. I do. I truly miss being in love with someone. Lately, I have been seeing or whatever you want to call it with a guy that I really like. I don't think he's the one - I'm pretty sure I'm just kind of a convenience. In a way, he's a convenience for me too. I get physical and some emotional attention from him. Not nearly enough for what I am looking for - but then - he's pretty shy and isn't that experienced with women. (for some reason I always seem to find guys who are either emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable - I have problems)

Taking the above paragraph into consideration - I read something this morning from a fellow blogger who happens to be friends with a close friend of mine. It kind of hit home. I thought I'd share:

(in no way are any of the following words mine - but I definitely can relate)

I can honestly say that I have had some foul experiences when it comes to
relationships. Some really bad ones with some really bad outcomes. But there
was a lot of good that did come out of those relationships and that comes out of
any relationship that ends up not working out. You learn more about yourself,
more about what you believe and stand for, and you learn more about what is
important in the course of making yourself happy. I have learned a lot from
those experiences and I feel that those experiences have made me more aware of
what is important in my own life and what I would be looking for in someone
else.

Here is my whole attitude when it comes to dating. You might find someone
attractive at the bar. Honestly, its probably not going to work out. The bar
is an easy place to hide who you truly are behind nice clothes, little self prep
work, and of course alcohol. How can you honestly find someone that you are
going to be compatible with when you meet them in a loud, smoky, crowded
environment, on top of the fact that you are probably drunk! I don't get it. I'm not
saying don't go out to the bar, just don't expect anything quality out of it.

Really the person that you are going to find is probably going to be one of many
things. A person you met through classes when you weren't looking your best nor
in the best attitude. A person that has become your close friend and has
blended the boundaries between friend and "more than a friend". A person that
you bumped into in passing at one point in time and you were lit up by not only
their appearance but by the warmth you felt with their smile. Also, that person
that you lived down the hall from all year and didn't have enough guts to have
more than a superficial conversation with. This is where this all stems from.

You can't find love by looking for it. I take that back, you can create a false
sense of it and find that, but you truly can't find the truth and purity
associated with having love find you. Its not about forcing a connection, its about creating an experience. Its not about sitting back, it is about
taking risks and finding out the truth when you truly have feelings for someone
else. Honest and sincere feelings that fully eclipse the instant physical
attraction that you might have with someone. Its not about taking advantage of
the time you have with a person, it is merely being thankful for the time that
you have spent with that person.


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All that being said - I think I'm doing alright, even if I am having a shitty day.