So much for that....

Yeah...I couldn't do it....I didn't even make it two days....but I can start over! Which I am going to...today. Ha.

I really...ugh. I just needed a drink after this weekend. I really did.

Forget the fact that the Phillies lost - which is clearly a good reason to drink but after what I had to deal with....omg.

So I thought moving out of my mother's house meant that I wouldn't have to deal with the problems that are at home now....turns out they're just amplified by like a billion. And maybe this makes me sound like a terrible daughter/sister - but when the family issues that really have nothing to do with me start interfering with my social life, I start to get really annoyed.

This weekend, for example: Friday night I was out with my friend Habby - just hanging at a bar watching baseball. I get a phone call. From my dad. About my sister. And how she and my mother just had a huge fight. You wanna know what it was about?

Books. How Kelly has all these books still in storage. How my mom wants to get rid of the storage space. How Kelly needs to do something with her stuff. Bleh bleh bleh. But the kicker - why my dad called me - and then my sister promptly texted me - was twofold:

Dad: Kate, your sister is hysterical. I don't know what to do with her. I told her to bring her stuff to my house but she's not listening to me. Call her and calm her down. (keep in mind, I'm at the bar).

Text from Kel: Mom just had a hissy fit at me. I'm so miserable. I need to get out of this house.

Both of which I replied that she could come to stay with me. She ended up not coming out Friday night - but the invitation was still there Saturday.

A little backstory to this - LAST Friday - the same exact thing happened. Kelly got home from her therapy session and my mom instantly blew up on her. She, again, declined to come out and stay with me....so this was kind of building up.

Saturday morning rolls around and I call Kelly to see if she's okay...she said my mother has been ignoring her all morning and said probably two things to her. I told her - then ignore her back. She's only as strong as the power you give her. Kelly can't seem to do that - so she folded and another fight broke out.

Meanwhile - I was planning on going downtown to watch the Phillies on Saturday but then - of course - I get a hysterical phone call - it's my sister. She's beside herself. I tell her to come over and at first she hesitates but then decides shes going to. I then spend the rest of the afternoon - and all through the phillies - consoling her.

So you can imagine - not only did I not get to watch the first game....but even after having tickets to the second game (of which I thought would cheer her up)...they lost. Needless to say it was a frustrating weekend.

And some of you might be thinking...it's not your problem Katie...it's not. But listen....when you have someone you care about that is on the verge of possibly hurting themselves and knowing you didn't do anything in the past to help another person who was just as depressed...of which resulted in not one but two losses of life...you kind of drop everything to help them. Especially if it's your sister.

I'm really worried about her. Her physical health is terrible. Her mental health is....not that much better. She's started seeing a therapist but I'm very worried that she's formulating the wrong ideas in her head. It's her life and I know she can make it through...I just don't want her to take the easy way out - especially when I know she's been hinting at it. She is SO emotional and fragile. I honestly don't remember being this way when I was depressed. I feel as though I'm not helping enough or doing enough. I worry that if I don't contact her every day - something could go wrong and I'll blame myself.

Yes, I realize I need to keep living my life and yes I realize it really isn't my problem...but you tell me...if your sister/brother or a best friend were THIS depressed....and they reached out for help....wouldn't you do anything you could to help them?

I can't get no.....

Satisfaction.....

You know that old Rolling Stones song, yes? Of course you do. And if you don't - find it on youtube and get back to this post.....


There, now....

I'd like to think that Mick Jagger was pretty much talking about being frustrated with wanting more out of his life. Let me tell you my friends - yesterday was one of those days where I was SO frustrated. This 5K I'm trying to organize for the foundation - yeah well - I kind of feel like it's all on my shoulders and I'm failing. MISERABLY. As of yesterday we had 1...count it 1 person signed up. Yeah. So that's awesome. To top it off, the foundation President is kind of being a pill.

And although today is a new day - we have a board meeting tonight - so we'll see how we go from there. Obviously I'll be keeping all 7 of you informed as to how it goes.

In other unsatisfactory news....I knew this was going to happen to me. And yet, I didn't care. I valued my freedom more than my money and after all, it IS only money right? I need to find a way to either win the lottery or make some more money. Right now I have four jobs. Two of which I make money at. In the winter I'll have a fifth job in which I'll make money and that should help a bit. But I could really use some extra bank. I've been looking online at craigslist for help. And there are a few feelers I've put out - but I don't know how okay these places would be with me saying - yeah I can work for four months but then I have to stop because I'll be student teaching....most places won't hire you if you do that. I have a few leads on smaller things and definitely put the feelers out for teaching swim lessons - but you know - there's only so much you can do with those.

Le sigh. I just have to be better with budgeting my monies. I'm generally pretty good at it. I just have to be excellent at it, you know?

In other news.....October is almost here! Which means a few things:
1. Playoff Baseball!
2. More Football
3. Swimming is getting closer!
4. Student Teaching is imminent :-)

I've left a lot of personal/guy stuff off of here for a reason.....I realized that by talking about it it kind of jinxes it, in a way. Besides, no one wants to hear about my boring life ;-) haha

Let's try this one again....

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Whew - well - hokay - I'm making a new ending for this day. I want to get a few things off my chest before I move on to what you've been waiting for....My 2K11 Resolutions and my elusive "30 in 30" list:-)

First - I'm getting very frustrated with my girls on my team. Yes. I love them. Yes. I still love coaching, but HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO TELL ME YOU AREN'T COMING TO PRACTICE? I had 3 girls show up this afternoon - 3! School starts tomorrow - they're all back in town. I only had 4 email me to tell me they weren't coming. It's just plain inconsiderate. I called a mandatory meeting for them tomorrow AFTER practice. Ha.

Second - January is going to be crazy busy - but that's another post for another day. Probably tomorrow.

Alrighty - on to my 2K11 Resolutions:
1. Get a Student Teaching position at LMHS or in the LMSD.
2. Accomplish my "30 in 30" List (see below)
3. Get a summer managing job/coaching job.
4. Be better with guys and how I handle myself with them - let's be honest, I'm terrible in this department.
5. Learn to focus on the right things.

My "30 in 30" List:

1. Skydive

2. Bungee Jump

3. Travel Somewhere Alone

4. Run a Marathon

5. Get a Teaching Job

6. Learn to Play Guitar

7. Re-learn Spanish

8. Do a Triathlon

9. Become a regular Rock Climber

10. Learn to Canoe

11. Visit Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame

12. Go to Hawaii

13. Wine Tasting

14. Get my spin instructor’s certification

15. Volunteer with habitat for humanity.

16. Volunteer to help with a race (marathon/half marathon/etc)

17. Blog at least 5 times a week.

18. Complete an Open Water Race

19. Do P90X

20. Be more organic

21. Join a soccer league

22. Take a Hot-air Balloon Ride

23. Go Ziplining

24. Learn to shoot a gun/go to the gun range

25. See all four Phillies starting pitchers in a game.

26. Whitewater rafting

27. Read 1 book a month.

28. Get my dual citizenship

29. Learn how to make balloon animals

30. Plan a trip with my Zuzelo Cousins.

So....what do you think? doable? I like to think so. And since I've finished the list 6 months before I turn 30, I have a half of a year extra to do it.....

A Family Friendly....er.....Family Frustrations

I love my family.

I realize for a lot of people - that statement is an obvious one - not just for me - but for everyone. You just inherently love your family. Yes?

Obviously, not everyone was raised that way. You don't always love the people that you are surrounded by....but as we all know: You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family...you're just stuck with them. What you get is what you get. Almost a sort of a roulette game if you will. Some times you land on a 7 red (good old lucky number 7) and other times you land on 13 black (eek). Granted - it's all relative. Some people totally have it worse than I do....but honestly...I wouldn't wish the kind of people that some of my family are, upon ANYONE. Not even my worst enemy. Truly.

Allow me to explain.

Yesterday, my mother, sister and I were sitting at home, enjoying a nice saturday afternoon when my Aunt (my mother's eldest sister) calls from Scotland. Ok fine. She's flying in tomorrow (4th) and wants to make sure she has one of our phone numbers for us to pick her up at the airport. No prob. Sure enough, that brief conversation turns into my Aunt telling my sister that she was mad that we didn't call her on Christmas or New Years and that the only person that did make a call was our other Aunt Barbara.

Let me stop right here and explain - my sister and I - we are two of 8 nieces and nephews my aunt has. NONE OF THEM CALLED HER - so how is this our problem? What's that you say? She's giving us money from her will/our inheritance early so we should do whatever we can to make her happy?

This is the kind of family I have.

Perfect example: When I was in college, I had an opportunity to enter a beauty pageant here in Philly. I went to a consultant who told me I had a really good chance at winning. The only problem was that I needed a "sponsor" to pay my fee for the pageant. So I asked my Grandfather because he has a company and surely my own grandfather would support this, right? Surely your own grandparents think you're beautiful and smart and witty enough to win a scholarship contest (read: Miss Congeniality). His words, "What makes you think you can win this contest? Do you have a guarantee? I don't think I can give you this money because I don't think you'll win."

These are the kinds of family members we have. They are not willing to give without knowing their investment is secure and that they'll get what they pay for, so to speak.

I should lay a disclaimer now, NOT ALL OF MY MOM'S FAMILY IS LIKE THIS. My Grandfather is the worst. My Aunt Kim (the oldest of the 8) is awful. Each of the kids have their own different personal quirks. But after what my aunt kim said to my mom and sister yesterday about how she thinks they should be living their life (god the judgment was just OOZING out), I put my foot down.

No one is allowed to speak to my mom or sister that way. It's re-god-damn-diculous! If my Aunt so much as speaks to me in any kind of manner that way - she'll be going to back to Scotland in a coffin instead of an airplane.

As much as I complain about my family some times. They're MINE. And especially my immediate family. YOU DON'T EF WITH THEM. EVER. I'm VERY protective of them, to say the least. Which I'm sure you can figure out by now.

All the same. what kind of family does that?

I just takes some time...little girl...in the middle..

So I had the most AMAZING run today - I wanted to keep running but I figured not to overdo it all at once. I'll get up to the length of miles I need to run. Today was 8.5! Sunday was 7 - and I think the next time I run will be Saturday so I'll probably run 10 miles:-) and then do the same progression the following week.

Right now - I'm watching Sex and The City Movie. The scene where Big doesn't show up for the wedding just happened. I couldn't watch. I just. I know that feeling of not being able to breathe - of not knowing what I was going to do because the only person that I could see myself with - decided that wasn't going to happen.

For a while I've been trying to tell myself that I will be ok. I will find someone - no matter how much I don't believe it all the time.

I want to believe it - I really do - and I hope that its ok - I really hope I do find someone. I'm just - I worry about it a lot. I kind of want to really find someone - now. But I know I can't just rush into things. I know I don't want to settle for someone just because they're here right now. GAHHHHHH!

I need to freakin' chill the EF out!

I can't believe he said that!

All in all - decent weekend. Stayed in on Friday - watched Hairspray and remembered why I love that movie so much! Saturday I really didn't do much - went to the gym did a good workout - and Saturday night hung out with Brian (former trainer and soon to be again) and Trish. Dadders was there too. Went up to Jax for a bit and then headed over to a house party for a co-worker who is leaving town in a week for a different job. She will be missed I'm sure.

The interesting part of my night happened at Jax. I guess when you give Brian a lot to drink he says things you don't really think he ever really thought of before. Like for example....up until last night...I didn't think Brian was ever interested in me as more than a friend....until he said, "If you were a little kinkier in bed we could date and things would be great katie."

I couldn't believe it - it was unexpected and although I felt it was out of the blue - I find it flattering - albeit a little confusing but nonetheless - it became an awkward moment and it's fine now - no harm no foul. I just sat back and said inside my head, "I can't believe he said that!"

After our galavanting at Jax, we went to the house party, like I said, and sure enough - was definitely NOT warned at a certain someone would be there. You would think that when you're called by someone who is there that they would mention it to me - ESPECIALLY since he was the one that told her to tell me to come over. I KNOW - RIGHT?! How do you accidentally forget to tell someone that HE is there when HE was the one that told you in the first place. Exactly. I don't know either.

Nonetheless - everything was okay - he and I chatted for a little bit and he asked me what I was doing today - I told him - left it wide open for him to ask me to do something with him today - NOPE. Whatever. I really need to get over him and this situation! It is frustrating me to no end - as per previous entries - I am having dreams about my frustration and I am not too happy about that. It has been a long time since I've allowed a guy to affect my dreams the way he has. AND WE AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER nor were we! GRRRRRRRRRRR >:-{

whatevs - i am drowning - i have to find a way back up to the surface