I'm your fool. Everyone's got their chains to break. Holdin' you.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess
~Foo Fighters
A little Foo to get the day started. I love that song. And not just because I love the Foo - but because it is a song that always reminds me that even though at one point in my life, there was someone who did do that to me - I refuse to let it happen again.
However - I can't help but think how much former boyfriends - and one in particular - has made it so difficult for me to move on. Fortunately, I am at a place in my life that I am happy again - and am ready, I think, to be serious with someone again. Wish I knew who that would be. Wish it would be the one that I want it to be with. Unfortunately, he isn't sure that it's what he wants. Not that I know that for sure - especially with the way he reacts to seeing me. But - he hasn't told me otherwise and therefore I don't have a lot to go on except the times we spend together - which haven't been that often.
I do still have problems with things. For example, I still hold back. Nearly all the time. It's because of Derek that I do. I used to volunteer information to people without them asking. In the last few years, I stopped doing that. Not because I don't want people to know me - but mainly because I used to tell people things that they either didn't need to know or things that didn't matter to them. I know I have moments where I am sitting and listening to certain people (those that aren't close friends) and wondering why they are telling me certain intricate details of their life. It's one thing if you're a close friend of mine - then I am genuinely interested, but it's another if you're just an acquaintance. However, I do realize that some people don't really have anyone they can talk to and so I'm really ok with being that person that they either use as a sounding board or just someone to listen. We all need someone to listen to us. But I digress......
Back to my main point. I hold back. I will not tell people things about my life unless they ask. I figure, if they don't ask, they don't really want to know - and I realized in the last few years - people rarely ask me about me - unless it's my parents, sister, and that handful of friends I have that I know are genuinely interested in my life. I want to be more open with people - I do - and with my close friends, the ones I know I can trust, I am. I'm pretty sure the biggest reason as to why I am afraid to open up to someone, well - a guy that I'm interested in - is because the last time I did that, he was my best friend. And when I lost him - it devastated my whole world. He was my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my life. And when I lost that - I felt like I lost everything.
Nearly five years later, I know more about who I am and what I want and what I don't want.
What I want for me:
To not lose myself - who I am and what it means to be an independent person.
To have them compliment me - and not let myself take on the life and the person that they are.
To be secure enough to know that I deserve to be treated right and not let the person I am with make me feel like my feelings don't matter.
To be confident and happy and not let my self worth bet determined by whether they call me or contact me
To trust them.
What I don't want:
Someone who doesn't know how they feel about me
Someone who is independent but can be with me
Someone who is confident and happy with who they are
Someone who knows I am trustworthy, patient, and kind and care about them just as much as I care about me.
Someone who talks to me - communicates with me - tells me how they are/what they're feeling and what they need and is receptive to the same with me.
Comfort and care - love and honesty.
I realize it's kind of a tall order but I know I deserve those things because those are the things that I would give them - and they wouldn't even have to ask.
I also know that the next guy I am that open with - well, he'll be someone I see as very special. There is someone I want to be that open with - but I'm pretty sure he's not ready for that and like I said - I don't think he wants that.
Right now - I find myself holding back in a lot of arenas, and I find myself holding back with the guy previously mentioned. But then, it could just be because he's holding back too - or at least - it feels that way. But then, I really wouldn't know - we haven't talked about it.
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