so So SO SO over it. So over guys. So over thinking I'm doing something wrong. Am I perfect? No. But neither is anyone else. I definitely make mistakes with guys. My best friend Jackie knows this - and she's awesomesauce times a bazillion for putting up with me :-) LOVE YOU! I am not always terrible with them but I tend to not see the signs early enough when it comes to guys. So here it is....a different approach.
I've started reading, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's about finding your purpose in life and opening yourself up to the possibilities you might blocking yourself from by keeping a closed mind. He's actually a Christian writer and so it's not typically appealing for me to be reading something like that but I've read it before so it's technically a refresher for me. So why am I reading it? I feel like maybe I'm not open enough to the possibility of someone or something....and maybe if I just 'let go' the way I mentioned in my last post....things might change without me even knowing it.
So here's the new approach. I realized I wrote this whole 30 in 30 list of things that I want to accomplish this year and I haven't taken an active approach toward it yet. So here's the deal...I'm focusing on me. I'm going to accomplish these goals. Some of the things I really need to hunker down on are getting the certs for training/spinning and going skydiving!!!!!! aw yeah.
Oh, you want to know about the OTHER approach....with guys. Well. I originally thought - ok, no more. Just none. But, let's be honest - I LOVE guys - it's just not going to happen :-) But for now - nothing serious. I'm so over this Veterinarian. He's into me - he's not into me - I just don't care anymore. Yesterday was kind of the last straw. I won't get into the details. And no, I'm not heartbroken - just annoyed. So it's...whatever.
I'm watching 'He's Just Not That In To You'....ha - yes, based off the book. I know there are some ridiculous things in it and they're not entirely true....but I just LOVE this part of the movie where Alex and Gigi are sitting in the bar and he's telling her about this girl and guy they're watching at the bar:
Alex: Guys invented the spark... ...so they could not call and treat you kind of badly and keep you guessing... ...then convince you that that anxiety and fear that just develops naturally... ...was actually just a spark. And you guys all buy it. You eat it up and you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.
Gigi: I don't.
Alex: So you never wait until the last minute on a deadline or a phone bill... ...because secretly you love the drama... ...of not knowing whether or not you're gonna make it?
Gigi: Maybe.
Alex: And let me guess: When you were stalking Conor the other night... ...were you obsessing about him calling... ...constantly pacing back and forth, staring at your phone for days... ...even though the date was just kind of mediocre?
Gigi: Okay. Yeah.
Alex: Because you all thrive on the drama. Thank you. Look, you gotta be more like me. If a girl likes me, great. But if not, there are plenty more out there like her, you know?
And although I am most certainly not of those people who thrives on the drama - sincerely I hate it - my friends know I hate it. In fact I'm one of those people that pays my bills on time, gets things done right away....I don't like waiting. I don't like not knowing. I don't like the anxiety. I have enough of it from my own doing - I don't need more. But I do like what Alex says at the end....but reversing it with guys...."if a guy likes me, great. But if not, there are plenty more out there like him, you know?" So. That's the new approach.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
“Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go.”~ James Arthur Ray
I like to control things. It's true. Who doesn't?
Control is a comfort to me. I know when and where things are going to happen. I know what to expect. I have the ability to be calm at all times when I'm in control. I sleep better at night when I'm in control. I look better, I feel better. I am positive in mind and thought.
So what's the problem? HAHA - No one really has control of anything. Life has a funny way of saying, "hah, not today!" I need to learn to let things go. I need to learn that if I just release that grip I have on some of the things in my life, everything will fall into place.
Example: I have been so worried about Student Teaching and being placed for the last week and a half that I wasn't sure if I was going to have to start making other plans. So Monday I decided to email a few other teachers....no dice. Tuesday came and went. Nothing. Wednesday I took off. I stayed home and did a laundry list of things I had to get finished and I surely did. I went to the Phillies game on Wednesday night and just kind of "let go". Yesterday morning when I woke up - I had a new student teacher candidate and voila! I'll be teaching at Lower Merion next spring with Rich Kressly. woot!
Maybe if I do that with more things in my life - I'll be golden? I just feel like letting go leaves so many options for things to go wrong....and I'm not a pessimist. I just like knowing that if something doesn't work out, it's because I did everything I possibly could in the process. I'm okay with failing or not having the desired outcome as long as I know I tried to work for the original goal. Like, for example....I don't like losing but if I know I did everything I could in the process to try and win - I can't be upset about it. I'm still proud of the fact that I tried the best I could and sometimes your best isn't always better than someone elses best. Make sense?
But who am I to even think I have control? I'm not religious but I do believe that there is a plan/path for all of us and God does help with that. He says, "Oh you're trying to make plans!? HAHA - that's funny. Not under my watch!" and then the switch is flipped. I take full responsibility for my actions and full responsibility for the choices I make but sometimes regardless of those actions or choices, there are results that you don't expect.
I think I'm going to work on "letting go" as I get ready to enter my 30's. I'm so tired of being worried all the time and waking up with an anxious stomach. I'm so tired of not being able to fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about stuff. I'm so tired of being tired and just tired of caring so much about whether or not something happens just because I want it to.
Just let it be....let life happen.....enjoy the time I have....who knows what'll surprise me?
Control is a comfort to me. I know when and where things are going to happen. I know what to expect. I have the ability to be calm at all times when I'm in control. I sleep better at night when I'm in control. I look better, I feel better. I am positive in mind and thought.
So what's the problem? HAHA - No one really has control of anything. Life has a funny way of saying, "hah, not today!" I need to learn to let things go. I need to learn that if I just release that grip I have on some of the things in my life, everything will fall into place.
Example: I have been so worried about Student Teaching and being placed for the last week and a half that I wasn't sure if I was going to have to start making other plans. So Monday I decided to email a few other teachers....no dice. Tuesday came and went. Nothing. Wednesday I took off. I stayed home and did a laundry list of things I had to get finished and I surely did. I went to the Phillies game on Wednesday night and just kind of "let go". Yesterday morning when I woke up - I had a new student teacher candidate and voila! I'll be teaching at Lower Merion next spring with Rich Kressly. woot!
Maybe if I do that with more things in my life - I'll be golden? I just feel like letting go leaves so many options for things to go wrong....and I'm not a pessimist. I just like knowing that if something doesn't work out, it's because I did everything I possibly could in the process. I'm okay with failing or not having the desired outcome as long as I know I tried to work for the original goal. Like, for example....I don't like losing but if I know I did everything I could in the process to try and win - I can't be upset about it. I'm still proud of the fact that I tried the best I could and sometimes your best isn't always better than someone elses best. Make sense?
But who am I to even think I have control? I'm not religious but I do believe that there is a plan/path for all of us and God does help with that. He says, "Oh you're trying to make plans!? HAHA - that's funny. Not under my watch!" and then the switch is flipped. I take full responsibility for my actions and full responsibility for the choices I make but sometimes regardless of those actions or choices, there are results that you don't expect.
I think I'm going to work on "letting go" as I get ready to enter my 30's. I'm so tired of being worried all the time and waking up with an anxious stomach. I'm so tired of not being able to fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about stuff. I'm so tired of being tired and just tired of caring so much about whether or not something happens just because I want it to.
Just let it be....let life happen.....enjoy the time I have....who knows what'll surprise me?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Did you hear....the world's going to end tomorrow?
Hah! Supposedly the world is ending tomorrow....but is it at Midnight tonight? or is it at Midnight tomorrow night? Or are they all wrong and the movie was right and its actually next year?
Personally, I don't believe it - but then the joke could be on me in a few days but if I AM wrong...will it matter? No one will be around to say "I told you so" - so why not just keep going?
I've never been über religious and even if I was, I certainly wouldn't think the Rapture was going to happen. There are no signs pointing to the Apocalypse. Sure there are natural disasters (tsunami's, earthquakes, etc), but those things would most likely be happening regardless of our existence. The Earth is a live being. It breathes, it eats, it rests. It's ever changing and I think that's appropriate for this blog.....just like me....ever changing.
We're nearing the time for proms and graduations. Can't believe another school year is down! It always makes me a little nostalgic for the dances I attended my senior year and, of course, graduation. When I think back on that time...I vividly remember thinking to myself, "I can't see what my life is going to be like in 10 years". Honestly. Some people can say that they see such and such about their future. Personally, most of my senior year of high school, I couldn't even see my graduation. Whether it was because I wasn't ready for it or because I was afraid and therefore blocked it out of my head - who knows - but what I know now is that regardless of whether you can imagine it - it happens. The future happens. Life moves forward with or without you, it's just more to your benefit to move along with it instead of remaining still/stagnant.
Since 1999 (yes, I graduated THAT long ago ha) a lot has happened and changed in my life. Like most high school seniors who just graduate, I had a lot of hope in my heart. I was in love - SO in love (another post for another time). I was accepted to every college I applied to and I was going to attend my first choice and swim there! I had a summer job lined up (aww yea lifeguarding). I had a summer ahead of me to celebrate and say goodbye to my closest friends. Most of all, I had so much to look forward to. It wasn't the BEST summer I've had (the year before that, when I got my license took that) but it ranks up there for me when I was a teenager.
I can't help but think, at the time, I was very content had the world ended then. In the 12 years since then, I'm grateful it hasn't! If the world were to end tomorrow, would I be happy with the life I've lead and where I'm at? Would I be content to say I'm fulfilled? How many people can say that?
There's this saying, "Live like there's no tomorrow". I think most people err on the side of caution. I do have a few friends that just live life to the fullest...but when I look at their life I see the differences. Most of them are still single (nothing wrong with that in the least). Most of them never stay in one place for too long. But they have very few worries. They're more happy-go-lucky and carefree. I think the challenge is finding the balance.
So would I be okay if the world ended tomorrow? I've had a pretty awesome life. I have amazing friends and family. I think the one thing I probably would've hope to have had by now was the beginnings of my own family....but I know I have plenty of time (haha or do I? lol) jk.
In reality - life goes on...besides, who's to say that we're not just all a figment of someone else's imagination anyway? (deep thoughts for a Friday morning)
Happy Weekend all!
Personally, I don't believe it - but then the joke could be on me in a few days but if I AM wrong...will it matter? No one will be around to say "I told you so" - so why not just keep going?
I've never been über religious and even if I was, I certainly wouldn't think the Rapture was going to happen. There are no signs pointing to the Apocalypse. Sure there are natural disasters (tsunami's, earthquakes, etc), but those things would most likely be happening regardless of our existence. The Earth is a live being. It breathes, it eats, it rests. It's ever changing and I think that's appropriate for this blog.....just like me....ever changing.
We're nearing the time for proms and graduations. Can't believe another school year is down! It always makes me a little nostalgic for the dances I attended my senior year and, of course, graduation. When I think back on that time...I vividly remember thinking to myself, "I can't see what my life is going to be like in 10 years". Honestly. Some people can say that they see such and such about their future. Personally, most of my senior year of high school, I couldn't even see my graduation. Whether it was because I wasn't ready for it or because I was afraid and therefore blocked it out of my head - who knows - but what I know now is that regardless of whether you can imagine it - it happens. The future happens. Life moves forward with or without you, it's just more to your benefit to move along with it instead of remaining still/stagnant.
Since 1999 (yes, I graduated THAT long ago ha) a lot has happened and changed in my life. Like most high school seniors who just graduate, I had a lot of hope in my heart. I was in love - SO in love (another post for another time). I was accepted to every college I applied to and I was going to attend my first choice and swim there! I had a summer job lined up (aww yea lifeguarding). I had a summer ahead of me to celebrate and say goodbye to my closest friends. Most of all, I had so much to look forward to. It wasn't the BEST summer I've had (the year before that, when I got my license took that) but it ranks up there for me when I was a teenager.
I can't help but think, at the time, I was very content had the world ended then. In the 12 years since then, I'm grateful it hasn't! If the world were to end tomorrow, would I be happy with the life I've lead and where I'm at? Would I be content to say I'm fulfilled? How many people can say that?
There's this saying, "Live like there's no tomorrow". I think most people err on the side of caution. I do have a few friends that just live life to the fullest...but when I look at their life I see the differences. Most of them are still single (nothing wrong with that in the least). Most of them never stay in one place for too long. But they have very few worries. They're more happy-go-lucky and carefree. I think the challenge is finding the balance.
So would I be okay if the world ended tomorrow? I've had a pretty awesome life. I have amazing friends and family. I think the one thing I probably would've hope to have had by now was the beginnings of my own family....but I know I have plenty of time (haha or do I? lol) jk.
In reality - life goes on...besides, who's to say that we're not just all a figment of someone else's imagination anyway? (deep thoughts for a Friday morning)
Happy Weekend all!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Always Learning
I make a lot of mistakes. I don't write about some of them here but I do make them. Big ones in fact.
Recently - I made a terrible decision and although I was extremely lucky to only have a small consequence - I have been embarrassed and felt terrible about it since.
This past Friday I went out and had a little too much. I should've called someone to come pick me up. I should've waited. I could've done anything but drive home. Of course, I did anyway. About 10 minutes into my drive I got a flat tire. I am VERY lucky that's all I got. Thankfully my dad was able to come help me change it and he followed me all the way home. But every day since then, twice a day - I've been calling my dad to tell him how sorry I am and how embarrassed I am. I apologized to my mom all morning the next day and last night I was up WAY past my bedtime apologizing to my sister.
I am okay. Tire is fixed. But I look back on that night and think how I can't believe what an idiot I am/was. Who do I think I am? I'm not invisible. I WANT to be on this earth. And that started me thinking about the friends and family I've lost that either made their mind up they didn't want to be here or had no choice. I don't want to be part of that crowd. Of course there's never a guarantee in life. I could go running today and trip or something and well....I won't say it. But that's a circumstance I don't have control over. This. This I did.
I've been wanting to write about this since it all happened....but as I mentioned...I am embarrassed. I told some people I got a flat tire on my way home on Friday - but nothing beyond that - because I am embarrassed. I've only told my closest friends (and now you - which is like 5 people - who are also my closest friends) that I had been drinking.
I've scared myself so badly. And although I maybe don't express that all the time - I've never been one to outwardly express my embarrassment. Who does really?
On top of all of that, I need to re-assess my life. I do all these things - but they're all alone. And although I stay busy and love being busy - it's all because I don't like being home alone.
My sister, last night, mentioned that I've, "forgotten how to relax" and that "I'm wound really tightly that you don't know how to slow down. You've been going non-stop since last october when swimming started". She's right. Even on days when I have nothing to do for a few hours - I get bored after an hour. But that is NO EXCUSE for me to blow off steam and then drive home after drinking. None. That is not a way to enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing. My problem with being alone is also something I do to myself. I know it. I make myself so busy that it's tough for me to be with people because I don't have time. I'm either overwhelmingly busy or not at all. I haven't found that happy medium yet. We'll chalk it up to the similar characteristic my mother has - obsession with something until it gets old (ie...she'll watch EVERY episode of House Hunters until she's seen all of them and sometimes rewatch the ones she's seen - but after a few months she'll move on to another show. Now she's on to Parking Wars - all my fault cause I told her about it....ya). I need to work on being less busy and more balanced. Life is full of choices. Remember that previous post bout me not having the ability to say no....yeah....that needs to start happening asap.
I was watching part of Eat, Pray, Love. There's a saying the Italians have, "La dolcezza di non fare niente!" which means, The sweetness of doing nothing. When I heard that the other day I realized I don't really enjoy the times I do nothing. How did I get this way? I used to be able to do that. Seriously. I did. Why has it been so easy to forget then?
Must re-learn how to do that....
Recently - I made a terrible decision and although I was extremely lucky to only have a small consequence - I have been embarrassed and felt terrible about it since.
This past Friday I went out and had a little too much. I should've called someone to come pick me up. I should've waited. I could've done anything but drive home. Of course, I did anyway. About 10 minutes into my drive I got a flat tire. I am VERY lucky that's all I got. Thankfully my dad was able to come help me change it and he followed me all the way home. But every day since then, twice a day - I've been calling my dad to tell him how sorry I am and how embarrassed I am. I apologized to my mom all morning the next day and last night I was up WAY past my bedtime apologizing to my sister.
I am okay. Tire is fixed. But I look back on that night and think how I can't believe what an idiot I am/was. Who do I think I am? I'm not invisible. I WANT to be on this earth. And that started me thinking about the friends and family I've lost that either made their mind up they didn't want to be here or had no choice. I don't want to be part of that crowd. Of course there's never a guarantee in life. I could go running today and trip or something and well....I won't say it. But that's a circumstance I don't have control over. This. This I did.
I've been wanting to write about this since it all happened....but as I mentioned...I am embarrassed. I told some people I got a flat tire on my way home on Friday - but nothing beyond that - because I am embarrassed. I've only told my closest friends (and now you - which is like 5 people - who are also my closest friends) that I had been drinking.
I've scared myself so badly. And although I maybe don't express that all the time - I've never been one to outwardly express my embarrassment. Who does really?
On top of all of that, I need to re-assess my life. I do all these things - but they're all alone. And although I stay busy and love being busy - it's all because I don't like being home alone.
My sister, last night, mentioned that I've, "forgotten how to relax" and that "I'm wound really tightly that you don't know how to slow down. You've been going non-stop since last october when swimming started". She's right. Even on days when I have nothing to do for a few hours - I get bored after an hour. But that is NO EXCUSE for me to blow off steam and then drive home after drinking. None. That is not a way to enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing. My problem with being alone is also something I do to myself. I know it. I make myself so busy that it's tough for me to be with people because I don't have time. I'm either overwhelmingly busy or not at all. I haven't found that happy medium yet. We'll chalk it up to the similar characteristic my mother has - obsession with something until it gets old (ie...she'll watch EVERY episode of House Hunters until she's seen all of them and sometimes rewatch the ones she's seen - but after a few months she'll move on to another show. Now she's on to Parking Wars - all my fault cause I told her about it....ya). I need to work on being less busy and more balanced. Life is full of choices. Remember that previous post bout me not having the ability to say no....yeah....that needs to start happening asap.
I was watching part of Eat, Pray, Love. There's a saying the Italians have, "La dolcezza di non fare niente!" which means, The sweetness of doing nothing. When I heard that the other day I realized I don't really enjoy the times I do nothing. How did I get this way? I used to be able to do that. Seriously. I did. Why has it been so easy to forget then?
Must re-learn how to do that....
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
29 things I know to be true (plus one for good measure)
So.....I read a lot of different blogs. Some are listed to the left of this post - one of them includes Eat, Live, Run. I found Jenna's blog like I found a lot of others out there. A few years ago when I was searching for blogs about running and eating healthy, her's was one of the first I found. In the last three years her life has changed a lot - but you know, so has mine. In fact, in the 29 years and 9 months and 30 days I've been alive, I've learned about myself. Jenna wrote a post last week about the 25 things she knows to be true....she's about to turn 26 so I guess she'll be able to add one more soon. But it got me to thinking.....I do a lot of lists on this blog and a lot of "I believe" or "I know" lists....what's one more? :-)
29 things I know to be true in my time here:
1. My neighbors are my family. And the kids I grew up with will always be my brothers and sisters.
2. Fruits and Vegetables ARE a staple diet choice.
3. So are soft pretzels and tomato pie.
4. I get antsy when I go more than one day without exercise.
5. A good bubble bath and massage are always welcome but I will always put them off.
6. I take really quick showers - no joke. Less than 5 mins (unless I'm shaving...then it's 7).
7. I'm very impatient when it comes to things in MY life but VERY patient for others.
8. I don't take my own advice when it comes to guys - maybe one day it will all work out for me.
9. Swimming - coaching swimming - watching swimming - teaching swimming - brings me joy like no other sport. I hope to pass this on to my swimmers.
10. Traveling is one of the best ways to find out how resourceful you can be - and when you travel with your family - it teaches you patience like no other.
11. Music and running keep me sane.
12. Doing something good for someone else - always makes you feel better.
13. Every day - we have a choice to be happy or sad. It is a choice. Truly.
14. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. It's not always fair. It's not always right. It is what it is. Keep moving forward.
15. Don't worry about what others think of you too much. As long as you're confident in your decisions and it won't hurt anyone, you'll be fine.
16. Your real friends love you no matter what. They laugh with you, cry with you, hug you when you need it and show up when you least expect it.
17. Just because people don't visit, doesn't mean they don't care or don't miss you.
18. Families are funny. Mine is no exception.
19. I don't like to cry in front of people. I feel like it makes me look weak.
20. Sometimes you get caught off guard: speaking before you think, asked questions you don't have answers to, etc.....these are the moments when you realize you are only human and you'll make mistakes.
21. Mistakes are fantastic ways to learn who you are and how much potential you have.
22. I am a white girl who loves rap.
23. I will always believe that I should be automatically good at any sporting event I attempt (yes, I do).
24. Laughing is one of the best therapies you'll ever find or need.
25. I am a hopeless romantic.
26. The world is as big or as small as you want it to be.....when people say, "small world" it makes me think that they need to expand their horizons...but then when I travel somewhere across the world and meet someone from my home town I realize it has nothing to do with where you are but being in the right place at the right time.
27. Love can be crippling and love can be amazing. Both ends of the spectrum are overwhelming. Figuring out how to handle them is an art.
28. Education. Education. Education. It's the corner stone to life - street or book.
29. Kindness never goes out of style.
30. Regardless of what you think or feel, you're most likely doing a lot better than you think. We are all our own worst critics.
29 things I know to be true in my time here:
1. My neighbors are my family. And the kids I grew up with will always be my brothers and sisters.
2. Fruits and Vegetables ARE a staple diet choice.
3. So are soft pretzels and tomato pie.
4. I get antsy when I go more than one day without exercise.
5. A good bubble bath and massage are always welcome but I will always put them off.
6. I take really quick showers - no joke. Less than 5 mins (unless I'm shaving...then it's 7).
7. I'm very impatient when it comes to things in MY life but VERY patient for others.
8. I don't take my own advice when it comes to guys - maybe one day it will all work out for me.
9. Swimming - coaching swimming - watching swimming - teaching swimming - brings me joy like no other sport. I hope to pass this on to my swimmers.
10. Traveling is one of the best ways to find out how resourceful you can be - and when you travel with your family - it teaches you patience like no other.
11. Music and running keep me sane.
12. Doing something good for someone else - always makes you feel better.
13. Every day - we have a choice to be happy or sad. It is a choice. Truly.
14. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. It's not always fair. It's not always right. It is what it is. Keep moving forward.
15. Don't worry about what others think of you too much. As long as you're confident in your decisions and it won't hurt anyone, you'll be fine.
16. Your real friends love you no matter what. They laugh with you, cry with you, hug you when you need it and show up when you least expect it.
17. Just because people don't visit, doesn't mean they don't care or don't miss you.
18. Families are funny. Mine is no exception.
19. I don't like to cry in front of people. I feel like it makes me look weak.
20. Sometimes you get caught off guard: speaking before you think, asked questions you don't have answers to, etc.....these are the moments when you realize you are only human and you'll make mistakes.
21. Mistakes are fantastic ways to learn who you are and how much potential you have.
22. I am a white girl who loves rap.
23. I will always believe that I should be automatically good at any sporting event I attempt (yes, I do).
24. Laughing is one of the best therapies you'll ever find or need.
25. I am a hopeless romantic.
26. The world is as big or as small as you want it to be.....when people say, "small world" it makes me think that they need to expand their horizons...but then when I travel somewhere across the world and meet someone from my home town I realize it has nothing to do with where you are but being in the right place at the right time.
27. Love can be crippling and love can be amazing. Both ends of the spectrum are overwhelming. Figuring out how to handle them is an art.
28. Education. Education. Education. It's the corner stone to life - street or book.
29. Kindness never goes out of style.
30. Regardless of what you think or feel, you're most likely doing a lot better than you think. We are all our own worst critics.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Crippling Anxiety
That's basically what I have right now....
In the last week I haven't been able to fall asleep without the aide of a sleeping pill/night-time medicine (I've been having MAJOR sinus pain). Last night, I attempted to fall asleep without any help - around 12:45 I gave up and took some Advil PM. Normally that stuff makes me groggy the next morning and I oversleep. So I set my alarm a little later but instead of waking up after a solid 7 hours - I was wide awake at 6. Yup. 5 Hours. I suppose that's better than nothing - but what I woke up with was this anxiety....the same kind of anxiety that I get when I'm having a panic attack. I was on the verge of one last night.
Why?! Ugh. Just when I thought things would start to settle a bit - I have SO MUCH going on and most of it is in my head. I'm even finished with my Spring classes so i should feel some sort of relief....but no dice. New things to worry about. Yesterday I re-wrote my schedule out so I could see what exactly was on my plate. It didn't seem like it was THAT much - but I just can't turn my brain off. I've been trying to read before I go to sleep at night - I didn't do that last night (the phillies were on). Maybe I need to stick with that no matter what.....I'll try again tonight.
So what's on my mind? Here's the list:
-Summer Swimming (getting everything together for that)
-Getting my student teaching stuff together (there's a whole list of things to do with this)
-RTFoundation Golf Outing and my complete fail on doing anything good for it. I'm a terrible board member. Seriously.
-Closing my business bank acct
-Finishing up the Lacrosse Season
-Finding people to cover for me at Baldwin
-The Vet and what's happening with that (this is probably the biggest thing on my mind. I have no control over that situation and it's killing me).
For those of you who have no idea who the Vet is - no, it's not a war veteran ha! He's a veterinarian that I've been out with once and hung out at his place twice. He brought up the topic of boyfriend/girlfriend and I'm worried I answered the questions incorrectly. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday - and although I texted him on Friday to say hi - nothing since then. He knows how busy my schedule is - but I can't help but think - if he was really in to me - wouldn't he at least say hi or send me a text or something? I also keep thinking he's waiting for me to do that since he knows how busy I am. But, ugh....what I'd really like to do is see him again so I can talk with him about everything we talked about last time we saw each other.
What did he ask/what did I say? He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend.....and I didn't really know what to say because I just went into the situation with an open mind thinking if it works that's great, if not, I move forward. And so I asked him if he was looking for a girlfriend and in not so many words he basically said yes. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend - it's that I didn't think about it like that. I just figured if it evolved, it evolved....ya know? So now I don't know what to do.....I'm so tempted to call him and just be like - "I like you to the point where I'm thinking about you a lot...and I like that. I also want to see where things go between us..." but is that too forward? I've been accused in the past of being too forward and too aggressive with guys - is this too aggressive? How do I handle this?
I also don't like not knowing when I'll see him next. I'm REALLY busy this week (last one for awhile) but Friday and Saturday I'm relatively open - it's only Monday but I almost want to ask him now if he's free this coming weekend....is that too early? I feel like, again, he's waiting for me to initiate that because my schedule is much more hectic than his...thoughts?
My week this week:
Today - Run/Try to close my bank acct/Cabrini til?/Night game away @ Garnet Valley
Tuesday - Teach Spin 9:15/Cabrini til 4/Lax Practice/SVAL meeting 6pm - 8:30
Wednesday - Run/Errands/Lax Practice/Baldwin?
Thursday - LM Activities Fair 9-11am/Cabrini 11:30-2:30/Lax Game Home/Awards Dinner 7-9:30pm
Friday - Run/Lax Practice 3-5
It's a good thing I'm so OCD about my schedules.....ugh. I hate not being in control of my emotions. In one way, it's great because I'm actually opening up to someone and I haven't done that in a LONG time (someone that wasn't one of my best friends)...but it's so scary because there's so much uncertainty right now that I feel like I've opened up too much and now I'm going to get hurt. :-/ Things worked out well with some of the other guys because I never got SO attached (with obviously the exception of Dennis - although I'm not THAT attached to him) that it was tough to let it go. It got easier and easier as time went on. And to be honest - the Vet - I really REALLY like him......
ugh.....anxiety. I hatses.
I'm off to run to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.
In the last week I haven't been able to fall asleep without the aide of a sleeping pill/night-time medicine (I've been having MAJOR sinus pain). Last night, I attempted to fall asleep without any help - around 12:45 I gave up and took some Advil PM. Normally that stuff makes me groggy the next morning and I oversleep. So I set my alarm a little later but instead of waking up after a solid 7 hours - I was wide awake at 6. Yup. 5 Hours. I suppose that's better than nothing - but what I woke up with was this anxiety....the same kind of anxiety that I get when I'm having a panic attack. I was on the verge of one last night.
Why?! Ugh. Just when I thought things would start to settle a bit - I have SO MUCH going on and most of it is in my head. I'm even finished with my Spring classes so i should feel some sort of relief....but no dice. New things to worry about. Yesterday I re-wrote my schedule out so I could see what exactly was on my plate. It didn't seem like it was THAT much - but I just can't turn my brain off. I've been trying to read before I go to sleep at night - I didn't do that last night (the phillies were on). Maybe I need to stick with that no matter what.....I'll try again tonight.
So what's on my mind? Here's the list:
-Summer Swimming (getting everything together for that)
-Getting my student teaching stuff together (there's a whole list of things to do with this)
-RTFoundation Golf Outing and my complete fail on doing anything good for it. I'm a terrible board member. Seriously.
-Closing my business bank acct
-Finishing up the Lacrosse Season
-Finding people to cover for me at Baldwin
-The Vet and what's happening with that (this is probably the biggest thing on my mind. I have no control over that situation and it's killing me).
For those of you who have no idea who the Vet is - no, it's not a war veteran ha! He's a veterinarian that I've been out with once and hung out at his place twice. He brought up the topic of boyfriend/girlfriend and I'm worried I answered the questions incorrectly. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday - and although I texted him on Friday to say hi - nothing since then. He knows how busy my schedule is - but I can't help but think - if he was really in to me - wouldn't he at least say hi or send me a text or something? I also keep thinking he's waiting for me to do that since he knows how busy I am. But, ugh....what I'd really like to do is see him again so I can talk with him about everything we talked about last time we saw each other.
What did he ask/what did I say? He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend.....and I didn't really know what to say because I just went into the situation with an open mind thinking if it works that's great, if not, I move forward. And so I asked him if he was looking for a girlfriend and in not so many words he basically said yes. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend - it's that I didn't think about it like that. I just figured if it evolved, it evolved....ya know? So now I don't know what to do.....I'm so tempted to call him and just be like - "I like you to the point where I'm thinking about you a lot...and I like that. I also want to see where things go between us..." but is that too forward? I've been accused in the past of being too forward and too aggressive with guys - is this too aggressive? How do I handle this?
I also don't like not knowing when I'll see him next. I'm REALLY busy this week (last one for awhile) but Friday and Saturday I'm relatively open - it's only Monday but I almost want to ask him now if he's free this coming weekend....is that too early? I feel like, again, he's waiting for me to initiate that because my schedule is much more hectic than his...thoughts?
My week this week:
Today - Run/Try to close my bank acct/Cabrini til?/Night game away @ Garnet Valley
Tuesday - Teach Spin 9:15/Cabrini til 4/Lax Practice/SVAL meeting 6pm - 8:30
Wednesday - Run/Errands/Lax Practice/Baldwin?
Thursday - LM Activities Fair 9-11am/Cabrini 11:30-2:30/Lax Game Home/Awards Dinner 7-9:30pm
Friday - Run/Lax Practice 3-5
It's a good thing I'm so OCD about my schedules.....ugh. I hate not being in control of my emotions. In one way, it's great because I'm actually opening up to someone and I haven't done that in a LONG time (someone that wasn't one of my best friends)...but it's so scary because there's so much uncertainty right now that I feel like I've opened up too much and now I'm going to get hurt. :-/ Things worked out well with some of the other guys because I never got SO attached (with obviously the exception of Dennis - although I'm not THAT attached to him) that it was tough to let it go. It got easier and easier as time went on. And to be honest - the Vet - I really REALLY like him......
ugh.....anxiety. I hatses.
I'm off to run to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Exhaustion and Not being able to say "no"
exhaustion (n)
1. extreme tiredness; fatigue
2. the condition of being used up; consumption exhaustion of the earth's resources
3. the act of exhausting or the state of being exhausted
If you're wondering where I'm at these days....see the definition above.
I knew it would all catch up to me at some point. I have a bazillion things going at once - and although I am VERY organized - I still feel very behind. For example, right now - I SHOULD be finishing my Shakespeare final. It's two questions - supposed to be atleast 8 pages.....I have answered one of those two questions and my paper is already 8 pages - SINGLE SPACED. I hope the professor knows what she's getting with me. ha. Let's just say, I never do anything half assed. I was telling my sister the other day that I didn't want to do it and she said, "well do you have an A already?" and I said, "as of right now, yes" and she said, "so forget about it". The thing is, I can't just do that. These are my grades. And anyone that knows me knows that my grades are EVERYTHING to me. I feel as though they reflect on the intelligence of my well-being. I have to have an A. It's just who I am.
Outside of this d-u-m-b final - I'm trying to get some stuff organized for the Mermaid Swim Team. I have two meetings coming up and have to schedule another one with the parents/coaches to get everyone on the same page. We have registration coming up soon - which I'll be present for - and I have to get the practice schedules solidified. I feel very behind in all of this but I'm sure it's still an improvement for them from last year considering the coach last year didn't do ANY of this. I guess I just need to give myself a break.
We have 4 more Lax games this season - One today, two next week and one the following week. Needless to say, I am counting down the days. This all means that I'll have WAY MORE time to get back into the other things I've been putting off - like Baldwin and just "me" time. I haven't had ANY of that at all. Of course, I AM choosing for my life to be like this - but I think my biggest problem is that I can't say no.
I just can't do it. I don't know how to say no - and I find myself doing things that I don't like doing - like - the other night - a friend called and I didn't want to talk - so I just didn't answer. I felt terrible about it. I still feel terrible when friends ask me to go out and I tell them I can't. It has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with them and I am ALWAYS grateful for the invite - and I don't always say no - but just this week, and even last night on my way home from Baldwin - I had to pull the car over because I couldn't stop crying. I seem to be able to start the tears at the drop of a hat. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I'm to blame. I feel badly about it. I don't want to feel badly about it. I want to go out with my friends and have a good time. I want that to be my life! And I keep telling myself..."when lacrosse is over I'll have more time..." and I will...but is that really a reason for me to put things off? IDK.
We also have our Golf Outing coming up for the Rachel and Troy Foundation. I feel terribly about all of it. I really dropped the ball this year and I feel like everyone is pointing the finger that, "katie didn't or isn't doing anything to help". I'm trying - I really am. I feel like I'm not being a good leader on the board and I feel like I'm not helping enough.....People look to me for answers there and I feel like I don't have any. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Right now, there are a few things that are keeping me together - my exercise/running and the fact that I can't quit. I just can't quit anything. I can't say no. I overloaded myself.
Next week - I'm only going in to Cabrini on Monday and possibly Wednesday. The semester is over this week so there is one week where we don't have to be there. But one of the workers left for a new job so we're kind of swamped there. Again, another responsibility that I feel obligated to be a part of...I know that's not really my responsibility but I am a Graduate Assistant and they are SO lenient when it comes to my schedule that I kind of feel like I owe them....if that makes sense.
Despite my inability to say "no", it does come in handy on occasion:-) But that's a story for another time....
::sigh:: - off to write the answer to this last question....then hopefully go running...then a lax game...I could sure use a break
1. extreme tiredness; fatigue
2. the condition of being used up; consumption exhaustion of the earth's resources
3. the act of exhausting or the state of being exhausted
If you're wondering where I'm at these days....see the definition above.
I knew it would all catch up to me at some point. I have a bazillion things going at once - and although I am VERY organized - I still feel very behind. For example, right now - I SHOULD be finishing my Shakespeare final. It's two questions - supposed to be atleast 8 pages.....I have answered one of those two questions and my paper is already 8 pages - SINGLE SPACED. I hope the professor knows what she's getting with me. ha. Let's just say, I never do anything half assed. I was telling my sister the other day that I didn't want to do it and she said, "well do you have an A already?" and I said, "as of right now, yes" and she said, "so forget about it". The thing is, I can't just do that. These are my grades. And anyone that knows me knows that my grades are EVERYTHING to me. I feel as though they reflect on the intelligence of my well-being. I have to have an A. It's just who I am.
Outside of this d-u-m-b final - I'm trying to get some stuff organized for the Mermaid Swim Team. I have two meetings coming up and have to schedule another one with the parents/coaches to get everyone on the same page. We have registration coming up soon - which I'll be present for - and I have to get the practice schedules solidified. I feel very behind in all of this but I'm sure it's still an improvement for them from last year considering the coach last year didn't do ANY of this. I guess I just need to give myself a break.
We have 4 more Lax games this season - One today, two next week and one the following week. Needless to say, I am counting down the days. This all means that I'll have WAY MORE time to get back into the other things I've been putting off - like Baldwin and just "me" time. I haven't had ANY of that at all. Of course, I AM choosing for my life to be like this - but I think my biggest problem is that I can't say no.
I just can't do it. I don't know how to say no - and I find myself doing things that I don't like doing - like - the other night - a friend called and I didn't want to talk - so I just didn't answer. I felt terrible about it. I still feel terrible when friends ask me to go out and I tell them I can't. It has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with them and I am ALWAYS grateful for the invite - and I don't always say no - but just this week, and even last night on my way home from Baldwin - I had to pull the car over because I couldn't stop crying. I seem to be able to start the tears at the drop of a hat. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I'm to blame. I feel badly about it. I don't want to feel badly about it. I want to go out with my friends and have a good time. I want that to be my life! And I keep telling myself..."when lacrosse is over I'll have more time..." and I will...but is that really a reason for me to put things off? IDK.
We also have our Golf Outing coming up for the Rachel and Troy Foundation. I feel terribly about all of it. I really dropped the ball this year and I feel like everyone is pointing the finger that, "katie didn't or isn't doing anything to help". I'm trying - I really am. I feel like I'm not being a good leader on the board and I feel like I'm not helping enough.....People look to me for answers there and I feel like I don't have any. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Right now, there are a few things that are keeping me together - my exercise/running and the fact that I can't quit. I just can't quit anything. I can't say no. I overloaded myself.
Next week - I'm only going in to Cabrini on Monday and possibly Wednesday. The semester is over this week so there is one week where we don't have to be there. But one of the workers left for a new job so we're kind of swamped there. Again, another responsibility that I feel obligated to be a part of...I know that's not really my responsibility but I am a Graduate Assistant and they are SO lenient when it comes to my schedule that I kind of feel like I owe them....if that makes sense.
Despite my inability to say "no", it does come in handy on occasion:-) But that's a story for another time....
::sigh:: - off to write the answer to this last question....then hopefully go running...then a lax game...I could sure use a break
Monday, May 2, 2011
BSR Recap - with some post race pics!
Okay okay - so obviously the last post was all pictures - fun! Thankgoodness for Bethany always bringing her camera otherwise you people wouldn't know how much of a mess I look like after a race - haha :-)
But for those truly interested in what BSR was like this year here goes:
Let me start by saying it was 100% different than last year for several reasons. Those being:
1. The weather was a nice cool 58 in the morning and only got into the low 70s all day with the sun shining.
2. I had friends to go with this time (I did last year too but it wasn't like they were going to be running with me - I just got a ride from them last year).
3. I had been training better for it.
4. I went into it with a different mind frame.
5. Second time around is always better for me with a race because I now know what to expect and what I can assume it's going to be like (last year I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming amount of people that run - 30K+)
Last year I knew the weather was going to be awful so I kind of resolved to just be like - whatever - I don't want to waste my money. It was my first year running it so I had no idea what to expect but this year I was mentally prepared.
Keep in mind, last week was a crazy busy week. We had three Lacrosse games - two of which were night games (back to back, Thurs/Fri, away). I haven't really had a day off in nearly a month so I was pretty tired. Saturday was jam packed with things to do - BSR expo - Whitemarsh Township Day - Dinner at Seasons 52 (yes paul!) for my stepmom's birthday. So I was kind of in a grumpy mood in the morning on Saturday which, God Bless Bethany - she dealt with me and still managed to stay positive. I was just tired. So Saturday night rolled around and I had a beer before dinner - which I figured was alright but I was SO tired afterwards - little did I know that I think that's what did the trick. Here's to new traditions!
I set my alarm for 5am Saturday night - took a few Lunesta (another tradition for me to help me fall asleep for races now) and was out like a light. Sunday morning rolls around and I could just feel how tired I was - but I got up - did my normal routine: Coffee, Computer, Carbs (english muffins/toast w/pb). I got dressed in my new running tank (see previous post) and was starting to get antsy. I knew I was ready to go. Bethany and Emily showed up at 6:15 and we were on our way down. We got down to the Wells Fargo Center just before 7 - hopped on the subway - and took our 30 minute ride up to Girls High. Shortly thereafter we made a bee line to the portapotty's which we should have known would be a forever wait. As the time inched closer to 8:30 - we found a spot between the busses and portapottys and just popped a squat. I was tired of waiting and we all wanted to start on time. We seriously waited 45 minutes and weren't even near the front for the portapottys - terrible. So yes, we peed in public and no, I do not care in the least.
We found our way to the corral behind the one we were supposed to start in - but it doesn't really matter...and within 10 minutes we were on our way.
I started off fast - I always forget to clock each mile - I should really remember to do that from now on - at the end my garmin said I was averaging 7:51 minute miles. Sweetness! That's fast for me. I felt really good around mile 3 and since I knew how broad street was laid out - I felt even better know that it wasn't "all down hill" as so many people describe it. It has ups and downs. It's relatively flat - but it has those false flats that people don't know creep up on you. I remembered them from last year and was mentally prepared - put I had been working on hills in the gym on the treadmill and outside so I'm good for anything coming my way.
Before I knew it, I was at mile 5 - just in front of Independence Hall. I can't even begin to describe the awesomeness that is the site of seeing 30K+ running in a huge pack infront of Billy Penn. It's just - it's kind of overwhelming (and as a sidenote, knowing now that Osama Bin Laden is dead and on the same day of all of this - just something so cool about it - but I digress). I got my first sip of water just after the mile 5 marker and told myself I was sticking to water for the whole race. Last long race I did I grabbed gatorade and it gave me stomach cramps. Plus, when I do long runs at home, I never have water so I usually don't even think about grabbing any til mile 8 - but I figured I'd rather not wait that long.
Mile 6, 7 and 8 were a breeze - I got some water at Miles 7 and 8 - nothing special - but Mile 8 is right around where you start to see the stadiums so I was getting excited. I couldn't believe how quickly they appeared.
Keep in mind - when I started the race, my goal was to try for under 1:25 - I kept checking the mile marker clocks and I could tell I was averaging close to 8 minute miles. I had no idea how fast I was going. Mile 9 was and still is the most excruciating mile of the whole race. It feels like forever and as you're passing the stadiums you're like - ok cool - the naval yard is almost there - not so much. I kept looking down at my garmin to see how much farther....9.34......9.55......9.77.....9.8.....OMG where is the finish!? And you see the big sign with the "Island Photography" on it and think that's the finish - nope - it's not. You still have .2 miles to go. I always try to sprint the last half mile - my legs were like - no way jose. It wasn't happenin'. I was okay with that. Either way - I knew I was under my time from last year.
I finished in 1:18.35! I was and still am so happy. I can't believe myself. I have the power to amaze even myself sometimes. Who knew?
So after the race Bethany, Emily and I went to Guppy's for Free Brunch and Beer (which was not free but totally okay and worth it). Awesome post race recovery fuel if you ask me. Some pics for your viewing pleasure:
Overall, I'd say it's the best BSR experience I've had to date - of course I can only compare it to last year - but either way - 100% better and different. Can't wait til next year!
But for those truly interested in what BSR was like this year here goes:
Let me start by saying it was 100% different than last year for several reasons. Those being:
1. The weather was a nice cool 58 in the morning and only got into the low 70s all day with the sun shining.
2. I had friends to go with this time (I did last year too but it wasn't like they were going to be running with me - I just got a ride from them last year).
3. I had been training better for it.
4. I went into it with a different mind frame.
5. Second time around is always better for me with a race because I now know what to expect and what I can assume it's going to be like (last year I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming amount of people that run - 30K+)
Last year I knew the weather was going to be awful so I kind of resolved to just be like - whatever - I don't want to waste my money. It was my first year running it so I had no idea what to expect but this year I was mentally prepared.
Keep in mind, last week was a crazy busy week. We had three Lacrosse games - two of which were night games (back to back, Thurs/Fri, away). I haven't really had a day off in nearly a month so I was pretty tired. Saturday was jam packed with things to do - BSR expo - Whitemarsh Township Day - Dinner at Seasons 52 (yes paul!) for my stepmom's birthday. So I was kind of in a grumpy mood in the morning on Saturday which, God Bless Bethany - she dealt with me and still managed to stay positive. I was just tired. So Saturday night rolled around and I had a beer before dinner - which I figured was alright but I was SO tired afterwards - little did I know that I think that's what did the trick. Here's to new traditions!
I set my alarm for 5am Saturday night - took a few Lunesta (another tradition for me to help me fall asleep for races now) and was out like a light. Sunday morning rolls around and I could just feel how tired I was - but I got up - did my normal routine: Coffee, Computer, Carbs (english muffins/toast w/pb). I got dressed in my new running tank (see previous post) and was starting to get antsy. I knew I was ready to go. Bethany and Emily showed up at 6:15 and we were on our way down. We got down to the Wells Fargo Center just before 7 - hopped on the subway - and took our 30 minute ride up to Girls High. Shortly thereafter we made a bee line to the portapotty's which we should have known would be a forever wait. As the time inched closer to 8:30 - we found a spot between the busses and portapottys and just popped a squat. I was tired of waiting and we all wanted to start on time. We seriously waited 45 minutes and weren't even near the front for the portapottys - terrible. So yes, we peed in public and no, I do not care in the least.
We found our way to the corral behind the one we were supposed to start in - but it doesn't really matter...and within 10 minutes we were on our way.
I started off fast - I always forget to clock each mile - I should really remember to do that from now on - at the end my garmin said I was averaging 7:51 minute miles. Sweetness! That's fast for me. I felt really good around mile 3 and since I knew how broad street was laid out - I felt even better know that it wasn't "all down hill" as so many people describe it. It has ups and downs. It's relatively flat - but it has those false flats that people don't know creep up on you. I remembered them from last year and was mentally prepared - put I had been working on hills in the gym on the treadmill and outside so I'm good for anything coming my way.
Before I knew it, I was at mile 5 - just in front of Independence Hall. I can't even begin to describe the awesomeness that is the site of seeing 30K+ running in a huge pack infront of Billy Penn. It's just - it's kind of overwhelming (and as a sidenote, knowing now that Osama Bin Laden is dead and on the same day of all of this - just something so cool about it - but I digress). I got my first sip of water just after the mile 5 marker and told myself I was sticking to water for the whole race. Last long race I did I grabbed gatorade and it gave me stomach cramps. Plus, when I do long runs at home, I never have water so I usually don't even think about grabbing any til mile 8 - but I figured I'd rather not wait that long.
Mile 6, 7 and 8 were a breeze - I got some water at Miles 7 and 8 - nothing special - but Mile 8 is right around where you start to see the stadiums so I was getting excited. I couldn't believe how quickly they appeared.
Keep in mind - when I started the race, my goal was to try for under 1:25 - I kept checking the mile marker clocks and I could tell I was averaging close to 8 minute miles. I had no idea how fast I was going. Mile 9 was and still is the most excruciating mile of the whole race. It feels like forever and as you're passing the stadiums you're like - ok cool - the naval yard is almost there - not so much. I kept looking down at my garmin to see how much farther....9.34......9.55......9.77.....9.8.....OMG where is the finish!? And you see the big sign with the "Island Photography" on it and think that's the finish - nope - it's not. You still have .2 miles to go. I always try to sprint the last half mile - my legs were like - no way jose. It wasn't happenin'. I was okay with that. Either way - I knew I was under my time from last year.
I finished in 1:18.35! I was and still am so happy. I can't believe myself. I have the power to amaze even myself sometimes. Who knew?
So after the race Bethany, Emily and I went to Guppy's for Free Brunch and Beer (which was not free but totally okay and worth it). Awesome post race recovery fuel if you ask me. Some pics for your viewing pleasure:
Overall, I'd say it's the best BSR experience I've had to date - of course I can only compare it to last year - but either way - 100% better and different. Can't wait til next year!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Broad Street 2011!
As per usual - another race update! AND ANOTHER PERSONAL RECORD! YEAHHHHHHHHHH! 1:18.36 - More than 10 minutes better than last year!
Some pics:-)
Some pics:-)
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