I like to control things. It's true. Who doesn't?
Control is a comfort to me. I know when and where things are going to happen. I know what to expect. I have the ability to be calm at all times when I'm in control. I sleep better at night when I'm in control. I look better, I feel better. I am positive in mind and thought.
So what's the problem? HAHA - No one really has control of anything. Life has a funny way of saying, "hah, not today!" I need to learn to let things go. I need to learn that if I just release that grip I have on some of the things in my life, everything will fall into place.
Example: I have been so worried about Student Teaching and being placed for the last week and a half that I wasn't sure if I was going to have to start making other plans. So Monday I decided to email a few other teachers....no dice. Tuesday came and went. Nothing. Wednesday I took off. I stayed home and did a laundry list of things I had to get finished and I surely did. I went to the Phillies game on Wednesday night and just kind of "let go". Yesterday morning when I woke up - I had a new student teacher candidate and voila! I'll be teaching at Lower Merion next spring with Rich Kressly. woot!
Maybe if I do that with more things in my life - I'll be golden? I just feel like letting go leaves so many options for things to go wrong....and I'm not a pessimist. I just like knowing that if something doesn't work out, it's because I did everything I possibly could in the process. I'm okay with failing or not having the desired outcome as long as I know I tried to work for the original goal. Like, for example....I don't like losing but if I know I did everything I could in the process to try and win - I can't be upset about it. I'm still proud of the fact that I tried the best I could and sometimes your best isn't always better than someone elses best. Make sense?
But who am I to even think I have control? I'm not religious but I do believe that there is a plan/path for all of us and God does help with that. He says, "Oh you're trying to make plans!? HAHA - that's funny. Not under my watch!" and then the switch is flipped. I take full responsibility for my actions and full responsibility for the choices I make but sometimes regardless of those actions or choices, there are results that you don't expect.
I think I'm going to work on "letting go" as I get ready to enter my 30's. I'm so tired of being worried all the time and waking up with an anxious stomach. I'm so tired of not being able to fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about stuff. I'm so tired of being tired and just tired of caring so much about whether or not something happens just because I want it to.
Just let it be....let life happen.....enjoy the time I have....who knows what'll surprise me?
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