Exhaustion and Not being able to say "no"

exhaustion (n)
1. extreme tiredness; fatigue
2. the condition of being used up; consumption exhaustion of the earth's resources
3. the act of exhausting or the state of being exhausted

If you're wondering where I'm at these days....see the definition above.

I knew it would all catch up to me at some point. I have a bazillion things going at once - and although I am VERY organized - I still feel very behind. For example, right now - I SHOULD be finishing my Shakespeare final. It's two questions - supposed to be atleast 8 pages.....I have answered one of those two questions and my paper is already 8 pages - SINGLE SPACED. I hope the professor knows what she's getting with me. ha. Let's just say, I never do anything half assed. I was telling my sister the other day that I didn't want to do it and she said, "well do you have an A already?" and I said, "as of right now, yes" and she said, "so forget about it". The thing is, I can't just do that. These are my grades. And anyone that knows me knows that my grades are EVERYTHING to me. I feel as though they reflect on the intelligence of my well-being. I have to have an A. It's just who I am.

Outside of this d-u-m-b final - I'm trying to get some stuff organized for the Mermaid Swim Team. I have two meetings coming up and have to schedule another one with the parents/coaches to get everyone on the same page. We have registration coming up soon - which I'll be present for - and I have to get the practice schedules solidified. I feel very behind in all of this but I'm sure it's still an improvement for them from last year considering the coach last year didn't do ANY of this. I guess I just need to give myself a break.

We have 4 more Lax games this season - One today, two next week and one the following week. Needless to say, I am counting down the days. This all means that I'll have WAY MORE time to get back into the other things I've been putting off - like Baldwin and just "me" time. I haven't had ANY of that at all. Of course, I AM choosing for my life to be like this - but I think my biggest problem is that I can't say no.

I just can't do it. I don't know how to say no - and I find myself doing things that I don't like doing - like - the other night - a friend called and I didn't want to talk - so I just didn't answer. I felt terrible about it. I still feel terrible when friends ask me to go out and I tell them I can't. It has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with them and I am ALWAYS grateful for the invite - and I don't always say no - but just this week, and even last night on my way home from Baldwin - I had to pull the car over because I couldn't stop crying. I seem to be able to start the tears at the drop of a hat. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I'm to blame. I feel badly about it. I don't want to feel badly about it. I want to go out with my friends and have a good time. I want that to be my life! And I keep telling myself..."when lacrosse is over I'll have more time..." and I will...but is that really a reason for me to put things off? IDK.

We also have our Golf Outing coming up for the Rachel and Troy Foundation. I feel terribly about all of it. I really dropped the ball this year and I feel like everyone is pointing the finger that, "katie didn't or isn't doing anything to help". I'm trying - I really am. I feel like I'm not being a good leader on the board and I feel like I'm not helping enough.....People look to me for answers there and I feel like I don't have any. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Right now, there are a few things that are keeping me together - my exercise/running and the fact that I can't quit. I just can't quit anything. I can't say no. I overloaded myself.

Next week - I'm only going in to Cabrini on Monday and possibly Wednesday. The semester is over this week so there is one week where we don't have to be there. But one of the workers left for a new job so we're kind of swamped there. Again, another responsibility that I feel obligated to be a part of...I know that's not really my responsibility but I am a Graduate Assistant and they are SO lenient when it comes to my schedule that I kind of feel like I owe them....if that makes sense.

Despite my inability to say "no", it does come in handy on occasion:-) But that's a story for another time....

::sigh:: - off to write the answer to this last question....then hopefully go running...then a lax game...I could sure use a break