Crippling Anxiety

That's basically what I have right now....

In the last week I haven't been able to fall asleep without the aide of a sleeping pill/night-time medicine (I've been having MAJOR sinus pain). Last night, I attempted to fall asleep without any help - around 12:45 I gave up and took some Advil PM. Normally that stuff makes me groggy the next morning and I oversleep. So I set my alarm a little later but instead of waking up after a solid 7 hours - I was wide awake at 6. Yup. 5 Hours. I suppose that's better than nothing - but what I woke up with was this anxiety....the same kind of anxiety that I get when I'm having a panic attack. I was on the verge of one last night.

Why?! Ugh. Just when I thought things would start to settle a bit - I have SO MUCH going on and most of it is in my head. I'm even finished with my Spring classes so i should feel some sort of relief....but no dice. New things to worry about. Yesterday I re-wrote my schedule out so I could see what exactly was on my plate. It didn't seem like it was THAT much - but I just can't turn my brain off. I've been trying to read before I go to sleep at night - I didn't do that last night (the phillies were on). Maybe I need to stick with that no matter what.....I'll try again tonight.

So what's on my mind? Here's the list:
-Summer Swimming (getting everything together for that)
-Getting my student teaching stuff together (there's a whole list of things to do with this)
-RTFoundation Golf Outing and my complete fail on doing anything good for it. I'm a terrible board member. Seriously.
-Closing my business bank acct
-Finishing up the Lacrosse Season
-Finding people to cover for me at Baldwin
-The Vet and what's happening with that (this is probably the biggest thing on my mind. I have no control over that situation and it's killing me).


For those of you who have no idea who the Vet is - no, it's not a war veteran ha! He's a veterinarian that I've been out with once and hung out at his place twice. He brought up the topic of boyfriend/girlfriend and I'm worried I answered the questions incorrectly. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday - and although I texted him on Friday to say hi - nothing since then. He knows how busy my schedule is - but I can't help but think - if he was really in to me - wouldn't he at least say hi or send me a text or something? I also keep thinking he's waiting for me to do that since he knows how busy I am. But, ugh....what I'd really like to do is see him again so I can talk with him about everything we talked about last time we saw each other.

What did he ask/what did I say? He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend.....and I didn't really know what to say because I just went into the situation with an open mind thinking if it works that's great, if not, I move forward. And so I asked him if he was looking for a girlfriend and in not so many words he basically said yes. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend - it's that I didn't think about it like that. I just figured if it evolved, it evolved....ya know? So now I don't know what to do.....I'm so tempted to call him and just be like - "I like you to the point where I'm thinking about you a lot...and I like that. I also want to see where things go between us..." but is that too forward? I've been accused in the past of being too forward and too aggressive with guys - is this too aggressive? How do I handle this?

I also don't like not knowing when I'll see him next. I'm REALLY busy this week (last one for awhile) but Friday and Saturday I'm relatively open - it's only Monday but I almost want to ask him now if he's free this coming weekend....is that too early? I feel like, again, he's waiting for me to initiate that because my schedule is much more hectic than his...thoughts?

My week this week:
Today - Run/Try to close my bank acct/Cabrini til?/Night game away @ Garnet Valley
Tuesday - Teach Spin 9:15/Cabrini til 4/Lax Practice/SVAL meeting 6pm - 8:30
Wednesday - Run/Errands/Lax Practice/Baldwin?
Thursday - LM Activities Fair 9-11am/Cabrini 11:30-2:30/Lax Game Home/Awards Dinner 7-9:30pm
Friday - Run/Lax Practice 3-5

It's a good thing I'm so OCD about my schedules.....ugh. I hate not being in control of my emotions. In one way, it's great because I'm actually opening up to someone and I haven't done that in a LONG time (someone that wasn't one of my best friends)...but it's so scary because there's so much uncertainty right now that I feel like I've opened up too much and now I'm going to get hurt. :-/ Things worked out well with some of the other guys because I never got SO attached (with obviously the exception of Dennis - although I'm not THAT attached to him) that it was tough to let it go. It got easier and easier as time went on. And to be honest - the Vet - I really REALLY like him......

ugh.....anxiety. I hatses.

I'm off to run to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.