Always Learning

I make a lot of mistakes. I don't write about some of them here but I do make them. Big ones in fact.

Recently - I made a terrible decision and although I was extremely lucky to only have a small consequence - I have been embarrassed and felt terrible about it since.

This past Friday I went out and had a little too much. I should've called someone to come pick me up. I should've waited. I could've done anything but drive home. Of course, I did anyway. About 10 minutes into my drive I got a flat tire. I am VERY lucky that's all I got. Thankfully my dad was able to come help me change it and he followed me all the way home. But every day since then, twice a day - I've been calling my dad to tell him how sorry I am and how embarrassed I am. I apologized to my mom all morning the next day and last night I was up WAY past my bedtime apologizing to my sister.

I am okay. Tire is fixed. But I look back on that night and think how I can't believe what an idiot I am/was. Who do I think I am? I'm not invisible. I WANT to be on this earth. And that started me thinking about the friends and family I've lost that either made their mind up they didn't want to be here or had no choice. I don't want to be part of that crowd. Of course there's never a guarantee in life. I could go running today and trip or something and well....I won't say it. But that's a circumstance I don't have control over. This. This I did.

I've been wanting to write about this since it all happened....but as I mentioned...I am embarrassed. I told some people I got a flat tire on my way home on Friday - but nothing beyond that - because I am embarrassed. I've only told my closest friends (and now you - which is like 5 people - who are also my closest friends) that I had been drinking.

I've scared myself so badly. And although I maybe don't express that all the time - I've never been one to outwardly express my embarrassment. Who does really?

On top of all of that, I need to re-assess my life. I do all these things - but they're all alone. And although I stay busy and love being busy - it's all because I don't like being home alone.

My sister, last night, mentioned that I've, "forgotten how to relax" and that "I'm wound really tightly that you don't know how to slow down. You've been going non-stop since last october when swimming started". She's right. Even on days when I have nothing to do for a few hours - I get bored after an hour. But that is NO EXCUSE for me to blow off steam and then drive home after drinking. None. That is not a way to enjoy the sweetness of doing nothing. My problem with being alone is also something I do to myself. I know it. I make myself so busy that it's tough for me to be with people because I don't have time. I'm either overwhelmingly busy or not at all. I haven't found that happy medium yet. We'll chalk it up to the similar characteristic my mother has - obsession with something until it gets old (ie...she'll watch EVERY episode of House Hunters until she's seen all of them and sometimes rewatch the ones she's seen - but after a few months she'll move on to another show. Now she's on to Parking Wars - all my fault cause I told her about it....ya). I need to work on being less busy and more balanced. Life is full of choices. Remember that previous post bout me not having the ability to say no....yeah....that needs to start happening asap.

I was watching part of Eat, Pray, Love. There's a saying the Italians have, "La dolcezza di non fare niente!" which means, The sweetness of doing nothing. When I heard that the other day I realized I don't really enjoy the times I do nothing. How did I get this way? I used to be able to do that. Seriously. I did. Why has it been so easy to forget then?

Must re-learn how to do that....