I'm trying to tell you something about my life....

Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah
~Indigo Girls

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was reading my friend's LJ the other day - and came across her most recent post. It's long - but I thought I'd share it with you. I think it pretty much describes how everyone feels at some point in their life. She's a great writer:-)

Hang in there everyone. You are all loved.

~~~~~~~~~
It's like this.

You live your life one way for a long time and never expect that it will change in any direction except the one you're preparing for. From a young age, a really young fucking age, you know that something is coming, always coming, always right behind you, and you can't get away from it no matter how far you run. There's no safe place to hide and there's no place it can't touch you, so you learn to live with it. You make a place for it in your world and then you make choices. Small choices that shape you and big choices that create you and suddenly you're this person that can deal with a big, scary thing that lives in the dark.



More than that, you make yourself think that you can fight it. You steel yourself to face it but then, many years later, on the day you think it's finally coming, you find out that you've been wrong all along.

The monster was never actually there and for the first time it feels like you can breathe. Except you don't seem to know how to do it properly, the way other people do. And you know, you know that you shouldn't think like this, because you're lucky, you're so goddamn lucky, but still. You're unhappy. You have to find your feet when the rest of the world is already running.

So you look around and see the wreckage of a battle fought against air and for the first time you see the damage, you see that you are damaged. The person you are was only created in order to deal with one particular problem and now there are a million other things to be dealt with and they all seem so big, so incomprehensible that you just want to bury your head in the sand. It suddenly dawns on you that you might live a normal life, but you can't be happy because there's still a part of you that hears things going bump in the night.

You wonder, you always wonder, if there's been a mistake.

Sometimes you're awake and you forget things have changed and you find yourself thinking about when it will come. Sometimes when you're sleeping you find yourself caught in a nightmare where you're being eaten alive by it. You tell yourself that it's not real, but it feels more real than the life you've been actually living so you just can't wake up. There are days that you're angry that decisions weren't made earlier, but you know you shouldn't be mad because you all built the fortress and barricaded the entryway together. You understood that it was the best way to make it through, but you still find yourself mourning for the people that didn't make it. You wonder who you all would have been if life had just been different.

Thinking that way doesn't help though, because your life is your life and you still have to live it. You even feel you could get somewhere if you just had some time to adjust. The thing is that there is never enough time. It flies at you and past you and you can't catch it or your breath, so you run because it's all you really know how to do. Except you're not getting anywhere and this time people notice.

And they ask you to stop.

They find you after the monster makes an appearance on a television show and they cry and say that they're sorry and that they wish, they wish, they wish, and that they didn't want you to turn out the way you have and that stops you cold.

You're not that bad, surely. Maybe a little wrong in the head, but not so bad that they would wish you were someone else.

Then they ask what you wish and you can't say because you really don't know. You've never wanted much and what you did want you didn't get anyway. You figured it didn't matter in the long run, though, because eventually nothing mattered except that you beat the monster at his own game. You were going to take from him before he took from you and that was the only real plan you'd ever made.

You don't remember who you were before, you don't know if you ever really had a before. You just know that you've tricked yourself into thinking that all was well. It's not, though. You're still living there, stuck there, in limbo there, because, while you've been pardoned, you still can't find your way out of jail.

So now this time that seemed so quick before when it passed you, seems to stretch out before you endlessly and you wonder if that poet was right when he said that life was very long. You wonder how he got to that point and how you got to this point where you just wish it would hurry up and go by instead of dragging on and taking you with it. And you know that's ungrateful, you know you should be so happy and that you should take this gift and do something great with it, but that's not the kind of person you are now.

You've been created in it's image and it's in your reflection and you can't shake it. It still lives with you and even though you want it gone, the fear now is that it owns you and will never, ever let you go.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

~ Rascal Flatts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This has been an AMAZING trip home so far. Seriously people. I think it's by far and away one of, if not, THE best trip I've had home in a long LONG time. And I've certainly had some doozies:-)

So let's see, where do I begin?

Well....my surprise was SO successful:-) I kind of pride myself on being a good surpriser - and sure enough - I did my job again:-) He was so surprised.....definitely caught off guard to say the least:-) And the first meeting, was amazing. It was as if we'd been like that all the time. It was awesome. I think....well....I hate to jinx it but...it's good:-) I'm happy - and I haven't been this happy in a long time....

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy with my life. I have an amazing life. I'm lucky that the events of my life have gotten me to this point. I have an awesome job....kickass friends...I live in the sunshine state...and I am healthy...well. .....for the most part. I'll get to that.

Other awesome things since I've been home - I've spent time with both Netty and Jacks. Lunch and a movie with Netster and and Breakfast and Dinner with Jacks for her Bday! We're all going out this coming Saturday to celebrate accordingly:-) I was just telling her the other night - I can't believe we've been best friends in Junior year of high school! I am so thankful for it - for her - the friendship we have - -and everything that goes along with it. It's important to have friends you can talk to the way we talk to each other:-) Haha - even at 7AM ;-) LOL! I love my friends:-)

I've also spent some time with my grandmom - which was pretty cool actually. In the last few years - I've purposely told myself that I want to be an ACTIVE part of my grandparents lives. I love them very much. Kelly and I were the first grandkids. We kind of got spoiled because the next grandkids weren't born until I was 9. So we had them all to ourselves for awhile. I also think it's pretty important to get to know the people who knew you when you were younger. I honestly believe they can keep you grounded and not lose sight of who you are and what your aspirations SHOULD be versus what you want them to be. I don't mean to stop dreaming for high aspirations but some times people get SO caught up in "things" and "materials" that they forget to BE. I WANT to know my grandparents. I want to hear stories about their lives. I think they're pretty cool people. I only wish I had started earlier. I just know that I don't want to be one of those relatives that ends up at the funeral (god forbid) and not know anything about them. I want to be able to remember my grandparents for who they are/were. Which, is....pretty cool people...even if Z is pretty stubborn.

So I spent some time with gamma - and I've spent more time with Ben than I thought I would - but - to be honest - I like it - I don't think I would if I didn't like it. It's just - I said something the other day when I was on the phone with him about "coming home" after doing a few things...and it was in reference to his apartment. I guess my subconscious agrees that it feels just like that when I'm with him. It's amazing how good it feels. Word don't even do it justice. We also went to the zoo! I haven't been to the zoo in years! We saw PENGIES!:-) yay!:-D

My Race!!!! ZOMGOODNESS!! BEST RACE EVER! I am SO doing it again next year! And I already signed up for my next one - Disney Princess Half Marathon in March. I am stoked for it. I really did like the Philly Half though - maybe next year I'll be ready for a full??? We'll see. But I'm definitely looking at some cool places to run next year. There's this awesome Half in london - Royal Parks Run - It runs all through the Parks in london - I am hoping I get picked - I put my name in for registration so here's hoping! Cross your fingers for me! I also looked at one in Kauai, Hawaii for next September...but that might be a bit much as far as money and stuff - it'd be nice to go with someone - but everything is pretty expensive - so we'll see. ANYWAY! Back to THIS race - I dropped my time by 10 Minutes! My goal is still to get until 2 hours at some point - maybe I can get close in March. Eventually - I would like to do a Marathon - and finish in under 4 hours - if I can finish the half in under 2 I should be able to finish the Full in under 4 right? Suuuuuuure ha:-)

What else? Oh - health wise - well the dr here seems to think I have Acute IBD - which is just awesome. My tummy's been really weird since I've been home. Haven't been able to eat normally in weeks. I still have some issues with it all - but I have to get a colonoscopy when I come back home for Xmas time. awesome. yeah. But - it's to make sure nothing else is wrong with me..cause a lot of my symptoms are also symptoms for something worse (yikes - and I'm not going to write it - you can do the research yourself). Anyway - I'm trying to stay positive. I AM A HEALTHY AND HAPPY INDIVIDUAL! :-D

As for Turkey Day - I'm heading up to Ben's house for the holiday! !!!!!!! I know! I'm pretty flattered that he wants his parents to meet me. It's been a long time since I've met anyone's parents - ok - a guy's parents. I'm not gonna lie people - I'm nervous. I'm sure I'll be fine but, you know...you never know.

OH! Side note - so awhile ago I did something to help out Derek.....told him to give me a call when he was home for the holiday (this past week)...found out why he didn't. Haha. He had his girlfriend with him. It's cool. I'm sure he didn't want her to feel weird or inferior or anything:-) haha. I mean - I am pretty awesome. lol:-) No just kidding...............but not really:-) haha

alrighty - I think that's long enough of a diatribe for right now. I'm sure there'll be more in a day or two.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!! GOBBLE GOBBLE!

if I could tell the world just one thing...it would be, we're all okay...

I'll admit it - I look through gossip magazines. I look at the gossip online too. But I don't do it for the "gossip" persay - moreso because I am genuinely interested in people. I've always like getting to know new people....and so when I read those magazines about actors/actresses/etc...I often sit there and wonder - would I be friends with them? Because really - ANYONE can be an actor or an actress - or famous. I mean - there are thousands of people who became famous simply because of their friends or people they married. What was Anna Nicole Smith before she married that old man? And while that's the best example I can give you off the top of my head - I know there are plenty of other people out there that were once not famous and then magically became the spotlight of "hollywood"

Personally - I feel bad for them. I think it's sad that so many people (paparazzi) think it's so much more important to have a certain picture or look or whathaveyou. I'm sure there are plenty of celebrities that feed off the attention - who wouldn't? When you're given attention for a significant amount of time - you almost start to crave it all the time. It's why there are so many young girls that throw themselves at guys ....it's why there are so many people out there that do the wrong things with the wrong motives.

In church this past Sunday - Reverend Alice was talking about how our society has things mixed up. We have the notion of - "Have. Do. Be.".....when it clearly is "Be. Do. Have." Because really - and we all know it's true - all the money in the world can't make you a complete person. What good are you to people if you can't "be" yourself, if you can't "be" who you truly are. And thereby continuing on to "do" for others as you would want done for you if you couldn't. Its the nature of being a compassionate person. And of course - finally - by opening yourself up to peace and happiness and helping - it's returned in which you "have".

I think too often people lose sight of the fact that you need to "be. do. have." I do some times I know - but I also realize there are some people that will never grasp this concept. That's ok. Honestly - I'm pretty simplistic. Yeah, I like "things" but - truthfully - if all I had was my friends and family - I'd be totally ok with that. Because they are what help to make me "be". They make me want to "do" for others. And because of that - I have some of the best friends and family anyone could ask for!

I can only hope that the celebrities have those moments too.

Everything:-)

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

~Michael Buble
___________________________________________

Most you know - if not yet, then you do now - the song above - is my favorite song. It always makes me happy, it always makes me smile. It picks me up after a bad day or just starts my day off right when I've woken up on the wrong side of the bed. I know a lot of people think he's a weirdo - but it's not even about the person that sings the song - it's about the words.

I forget when it was, but a few years ago...I actually started listening to the words of songs. Weird right? Yeah - well I've been called worse. I was just listening to music blindly I suppose. Ok maybe it was longer than a few years ago - probably in college....freshman year I figure. Netty was all about lyrics and so I started to really listen to the words that were being said. I guess it was at that time that I started associating songs with people and memories. Again, I know - weird - considering when I was younger I would sing every day in my mom's car. And not that those songs we listened to don't hold some kind of significance or memory with my childhood friends...but still...now I didn't know (at the time) what the words were to the songs we were singing (if that makes any sense).

So where am I going with this? Well....I've been writing this blog for so long - I don't remember if I've written a post that relates songs with people I know/memories...but it got me thinking....I wonder how many songs really remind me of people? At the time of the song - it takes you to a certain place and memory but at the moment the songs escape me....

I guess I should listen to my music?

I think the other thing that amazes me is how I remember the lyrics to these songs. It's not even like I struggle to remember the words....I just...know them. And the fact that my memories with these songs are SO vivid. Like I remember exactly everything. Weird right?

Hrmm...I won't go into details but rather just who it reminds me of.

I guess I should start with the obvious:
~Amazed by Lonestar - We all know who this reminds me of. And that pretty much goes for any STP song too.
~Any Tom Jones song - reminds me of Ryan Schuiling - haha - greatest hits CD that he burned for me:-) LOL - he is like the epitome of Tom Jones haha - minus the flock of ladies following him around him. HAHA - Rydog Jones - :-) Awww I miss grad school.
~Any Dave Matthews Song - with exception of one - Simon - for obvious reasons - obsess much?:-)
~Phil Collins: Against All Odds and The Beatles: We Can Work It Out - I always ALWAYS think of my parents for these songs. I remember both of these songs playing at concerts and being with my parents in the ending days of their marriage. I think these songs really and truly made me realize that they were done. It was pretty hard for me.
~Any Janet Jackson Song/Paula Abdul Song - Rachel and I making up our dances by the side of my house "just for fun" - haha - wow - not to self - burn tape dad has of me dancing when I was 10.
~Billy Joel/Elton John/Madonna/St. Peppers Album - Fur and the red convertible (my mom's) - the drives to my grandmom's house every day in the summer(s) between the ages of 10 and 14.
~So Fresh, So Clean - David Jeffrey Bone - haha - it was his ring tone for the two years I was in grad school:-) haha - aww david....so young...
~Long and Winding Road: The Beatles - my mom - it was her HS prom song - I'll never forget her telling me that and the fact that I realized how old my mom was:-) haha
~Down On The Corner: CCR - this old little tape player - I forget what they were called but they were like mini 8 tracks - and the group that sang it wasn't CCR but I just remember using that thing ALL the time.
~Girls Lie Too: Terri Clark - my second year at grad school - I hung out with a lot of country kids that summer - yeah - wow
~My Happy Ending: Avril Lavigne - Sitting in my Acura at the corner of Bellfield Road and Mission at the light across from the Gas Station and the Kroger shopping center and thinking about all the things that had gone wrong to that point in my life.
~The Anthem: Good Charlotte - working out at the gym at LaSalle on a rainy day when I was THE ONLY one there - right after my AM classes in the Comm center.
~Sell Out: Reel Big Fish - Chella and I at all our RBF concerts and the guys we'd meet there - haha SEAN! - skank circles (not what you think!) - and milano cookies from WAWA at 11PM - awwww I miss high school!
~Call and Answer: Barenaked Ladies - Allan - despite all the crap that went down. He was there when I really needed someone - and would still be in a heartbeat.
~Millenium: Robbie Williams - HAHA! OMG this reminds me of watching VH1 videos in the morning before I left to walk to HS/Drive to HS. OMGoodness. wow. just wow.
~Any Garth Brooks Song - His concert that was FREAKING AMAZING - in high school with my sister and her bff Tara - 3 hour performance - totally rockin! I was a fan for life after that.
~Teenage Dirtbag: Wheatus - there was this guy, Ray, on our swim team in college - he was like OBSESSED with this song - and it kind of described him to a tee too. Haha - wow - Albright Swimming! Simply Shocking!
~It's My Life: Jon Bon Jovi - Senior Year at LaSalle. After derek and I broke up - I listened to this song A LOT - especially when I was working out.
~Love Story:Taylor Swift - :-) Awwww - Bennie - mainly because he really likes it - and every time I hear it I think of him listening to it:-)
~Pippin - TJ - senior week - him breaking his wrist - us watching it while icing his hand. Awww college.
~Sunday Bloody Sunday: U2 - well really any U2 song - My dad - for obvious reasons - if you don't understand this you don't know me all that well.
~Closer: NIN - Kelly actually, because I remember driving home from Lifeguarding one day and she like blasted this song - she was having a bad day - but - still - weird association
~Won't Get Fooled Again: The Who - Memorial Day BBQ'S!!!!!!
~Any Indigo Girls Song - The swamp ophelia tour concert I went with my dad, jo and kelly. It was our first concert together and our first "family" moment. I cry every time I hear Galileo.


Alright I figure thats enough for now:-) If you're still reading - thanks for stickin it out!

Pour me something tall and strong, make it a hurricane before I go insane...

It's only half past 12 but I don't care...it's five o'clock somewhere:-)

It's true! Haha - even if it is only 7:43 in the morning.

Lots of things going through my mind today. I was WIDE AWAKE at 6 AM this morning. I consider this an accomplishment because this is the first time all week I've woken up that much earlier than my alarm....last week is was at least an hour or two. So yay for that.

I've got a lot of things on my mind lately. Work. Future. Money. The norm. But really, I'm VERY excited for this upcoming trip home. I can't wait to see my cousins, I can't wait to see my family. My mom finally called yesterday and told me she got the flowers I sent:-) yay. She said she left them at school so everyone could ooo and ahhh at them. Sometimes - I am definitely my mother's daughter. Cause that's exactly what I'd do too! I love flowers. They're just so happy:-) I'm a big flower sender (if I can). It just makes people happy. You know, you send them, they see them, if they're good flowers they last awhile...and people ask...ooo, where'd you get the pretty flowers. It lets other people know someone loves you/cares. Ya know? Maybe it's just me.....but I'm pretty sure it's not.

It's amazing how the littlest things can make us so happy or sad. But it's how we choose to interpret those things that alter our moods entirely. I know - I've been extremely susceptible to this...in the past and now. But the one that make us sublimely happy - are the ones we seem to search for forever...I guess that's why people say, it's the little things that make us happy:-)

My latest "little thing" is something that I've known for awhile with me....but this morning I had a ,"Holy Cow I'm In The Now" moment. Basically, I was in the moment with myself with a complete realization. I sing along with EVERY SONG in my car. It's the days that I don't sing....those are bad. There are certain levels to my car singing too..allow me to interpret (how much of a dork am I?):

Normal/Happy Katie - Singing along with every song that comes on - and if I don't know it - I change it to one I do know:-)
EXTREMELY HAPPY Katie - Singing LOUDLY (possibly obnoxiously) to the music and probably even with the windows down - this is usually only on I-4 but sometimes around town:-)
Bleh Katie - usually finding the right song can put me back to Normal/Happy Katie - but generally - this is when I sing along but totally halfassed and/or try to find someone to call on my ride so I don't have to listen to music
Pissed Off Katie - listening to Linkin Park/Limp Bizkit/Ludacris/DMX - or any heavy rock/rap/metal - oh yeah and Metallica - they're good to release anger.
Beyond Pissed/Worst Day Ever Katie - no music - nothing - driving in complete silence. This one doesn't happen that often - but when it does - it's straight to the gym to release some pent up anger and frustrations.

Hah - wow I'm a weirdo. Well whatever - you don't have to like it - it's my blog:-)

I don't want a lot for Christmas...

There is just one thing I need. i don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree. I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know. Make my wish come truuuuuuue. All I want for Christmas....iiiiiiiiiis YOUUUUUUUUUU

THIS (see below) makes me excited for christmas! Is it wrong that materialistic commercials make me excited to see snow!? Haha ENJOY!

She's got electric boots....

A Mohair suit....You know I read it in a Magaziiiiiine, oh oh...B-b-b-benny and the jetssssssssss.

Every time I hear this song....I can only think of Fur in the back of my mom's convertible on our way to my grandmom's pool in the summer time.....oh those were the days:-)

Wow - complete coincidence....that this song actually reminds me of my childhood...and of course...of someone else (by name only of course).

------------------------------------

So I had the most horrible run last night - I mean - worst run to date - but I have to admit, there were a few highlights(me trying to find positives in everything!). Namely, the way certain parts of the run made me feel and reminded me of things from my childhood.

At about mile 4 or so, the smell of freshly cut grass and the humidity mixed together - reminded me of the evening practices we used to have in high school for field hockey. Oh how I DO NOT miss those....especially since they were usually the second practice of the day and I was already exhuastified from the three hour morning practice in the unbelieveable heat. Bleh. But somehow, I still get kind of reminiscent of the entire experience. Some of the practices were really fun - and Sophomore year/initiation - I'll never forget doing that dance infront of the entire football team. Yikes.

Around mile 5, it started to rain...and not too heavily but enough to soak my shoes (which added to the disdainment of the run - I hate having soggy shoes)....but running in the rain reminded me of the time I actually used to like being outside in the rain. When we were little, me and my friends/neighbors would go outside and put soap in the puddles in front of our houses. We'd walk around the cul-de-sac without shoes on (because apparently we believed that since it was raining our feet were totally safe from rocks and whatnot). We'd run around trying to get each other totally soaking wet - and of course - we'd be successful.....or rather, they'd be successful to get me completely drenched. I was the ONLY girl that went out in the rain.....I guess that's what happens when all the kids in the circle are boys.

Toward the end of the run (I believe I only clocked 7.5 yesterday) - I just started remembering the childhood I had. I seriously was so lucky. Yeah - my parents are divorced (which, who knew at the time it'd be pretty normal now) - but really - I couldn'tve asked for a better place to grow up. Entire neighborhood BBQ's for all summer holidays - camp outs in Sherri's backyard - randy and fur being my best friends and knowing that now, they're the only ones that truly understand how much these things mean.

Every single one of us (with the exception of Ryan - but he didn't really grow up with the rest of us being that he's like 15 years younger than most of us), is over 21 now...it's weird to think that way. Part of me feels like it was just the other day when we were playing run the bases on the side of my house....or king of the hill on the green box that we weren't supposed to be anywhere near (it's an electrical box)....or me organizing the Aster Lane Olympics/School/Races/etc. Man. It was awesome. And so now, whenever I go home....we all try to get together and hang out (and drink of course)...it's amazing how in just a few instants...we're right back to, "Fur remember this time when you and Randy were in a fight....(which was a lot)"...or "Jason, remember when you tripped on a pillow and broke your leg?".....or "Katie remember how every time we'd play a game you'd go home and cry?" (again, a downfall of being the only girl in the neighborhood).....or "Glenn remember how you used to always try and make us give you something so we could use your hockey goals to play roller hockey?"....awwww I miss them. I'm hoping to hang out with them this winter - if not over Thanksgiving, definitely Christmas time.

Like I said - we're all grown up....here's what (as far as I know) everyone is up to at the moment:
Michael - works for the government (something top secret)
Tim - Minister
Fur(christopher) - Cop/undercover investigator
Randy - who knows - but I know he's getting his MBA
Andrew - Law school (last I checked)
Jason - really good job in Millersville - again - as far as I know
Kelly - working at CCS in LA (soon to move to FLA!)
Me - Freelance TV producing at TGC
KC - Nursing School
Glenn - Electrician
Rachel - Special Education Teacher/Mother
Kim - Teacher in LA
Kris - stay at home mom
Ryan - still in high school

Wow. Just wow. The original Aster Lane gang. I miss those days. I'll have to scan some pics when I'm home in Philly and put them up - we sure did have some adventures:-)

Being good isn't always easy.....

no matter how hard I try.....

Ah, Dusty Springfield :-) Nothing like a little "Son of A Preacherman"

So I was perusing my usual blogs this morning and came across one of my faves, Half Of Me. Jeannette Fulda is awesome. I bought her book and read it like - in two hours - it was that good and funny:-) But so she was talking about her 10 year high school reunion. And it got me thinking about mine.

Apparently - our 10 year reunion is this month - of course - I graduated in 1999....so I was a little confused as to why we were having it now. I haven't recieved an invitation or anything - I think it's more like - hey - just spread word of mouth - everyone is meeting in this spot on this night - if you're home - awesome - if not - sucks to be you! Yeah. Lame. I know. I honestly don't really care all that much about it. I'd be more interested to see people at the 20th HS Reunion anyway. I mean - sure 10 years out of high school, people change but really, I think the older we get the more interesting we get. Although, that could just be me.

Nevertheless - I was thinking about something Jeannette talked about. The most common question people will ask is "What're you doing with yourself or what have you done in the last 10 years?" or some question along those lines..and she came up with the brilliant idea of trying to say it all in less than 100 characters....yep characters, not words. So I wondered if I could do it....

In the last 10 years I:
Went to college, moved, grad school, news produced, moved, moved, golf channel, traveled.

That's 89 characters. I realize it doesn't totally give a complete description of all I've done in the last 10 years - but those are the major bullet points. And I suppose others will have "marriage" or "had kid" in theirs - as there are quite a few people I went to high school with that are now married and/or have kid(s). Which is awesome. I'm happy for them as long as their happy.

I used to think that was it. I used to believe that I was supposed to go to college - I'd meet (or in my case - continue to date) the person I was gonna get married to. Get a job after school, get married, get a house..then maybe wait a few years and have my first kid. All before it was my 10 year HS reunion. I really did. But - things just don't work out that way some times, do they? I honestly - I want all those things - but I am grateful for the curveball that I've been thrown when it comes to my life. I think this can completely relate to the previous post about being grateful for the things I have.

Sure, I don't have a husband or kids...but I will one day. Sure, I'm not making 100K a year - but who is? (and there's always time for that). Sure, I'm not even remotely close to any of those things - but - I've done SO MUCH with my life - and I'm only 27. That's it! 27. It's freakin' awesome! I got so lucky with the parents I have. I am fortunate to never be without - and I always have love from them. I have great friends who're going through life in the same way....similar stories...and I hope they are proud of all they've accomplished too!

The thing is - I do have some friends that look at me and the life I have and are just like, "what? you mean you don't even have a boyfriend? I don't understand that. I don't get that. You're such a great girl. What happened? Did someone hurt you? Are you too demanding?" And I just LAUGH! Hahahahahaha:-)

I don't normally have a response to those questions because most of the time when I do get presented with them I simply say, "Nope. hey maybe you can work on that for me!" Haha.

Of course - me saying all this implies I don't care about it. Which, if you've read any of my previous posts - you know - I do care. And even a few paragraphs earlier. I want all of that. I just know it'll happen in time. I have moments of anxiety where I freak out and want to know when it'll happen and why it hasn't happened yet. But then I remember....because I'm only opening up my life for certain things right now.

.....the boyfriend thing.....well....who knows:-) But what I do know - is that things aren't always as bad as we some times think they are....and I'm pretty damn proud of the "less than 100 characters describing the last 10 years of my life":-)

Four Score and Seven Years Ago....

"Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it."~Abraham Lincoln

If you can't guess already (as this is my second post in less than 4 hours) - church was really good today. It was REALLY good. We had an awesome speaker who talked about three main things...all of which are my goals this week.

1. Letting go of attachments.

2. Do Not Worry

3. Letting go of judgements.

The second one is one I know I DEFINITELY need to work on - and as is said - it's one of my three goals this week. The idea is that if you let go of these things, you will become open to good things...if you believe and open yourself up to good things happening - it will.

That being said - he also talked about looking back on your life and looking at your current life and thinking about all the things you are grateful for. Everything that you have and can say, I am blessed, I am good. I don't need to worry or judge or hold on to things that make it difficult for the good to get in.....because with the worry interferes with God's ability to send you good thoughts and love.

Also - if anyone who's reading this knows me - which I would assume you do cause there aren't too many people that know about this blog - I realize all this talk about god is abnormal for me. I've never really considered myself religious on account of the events that happened with my parents and the forcefulness of catholicism into my life growing up - but this new church is awesome - and I love that it's helping me become a better person:-)

Anyway - going back to my good thoughts - one of the ideas of thinking about the good things in my life was to write it all down - and what better place for it to be listed than here:-) So, here goes!

I Am Grateful For:
- My family
- My Health
- Intelligence
- Friends
- Being able to walk, talk, read, write, and listen
- The ability for people to turn to me for help
- Having the ability to help others
- Knowing that I am stronger than I actually think I do
- Music
- Pictures
- Memories
- Sunshine and Rainy Days
- Sports
- The ability to play sports
- Kindness
- Snow in winter time
- Airplanes that allow me to go home and visit friends and family
- The money that enables me to travel and pay for things
- My job and my abilities to do my job well
......


I am sure there are plenty more that I am grateful for - but right now - I'm glad my list looks the way it does:-)

Happy Thoughts, Let go of attachment, let go of judgement......DO NOT WORRY!

and I ache to remember...

all the violent, sweet words that you said....

It's been one of those weekends. I talked to my dad for at least an hour last night. I've had a great couple of weeks - but I think Saturday it just kind of all came tumbling down....and I don't mean like my life collapsed ...but just the high I was on, ended.

I felt REALLY lonely yesterday. I was surrounded by people but felt entirely alone. It happens to me some times. Something is clouding my thoughts right now. I know this because I've been having anxiety attacks. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and too early in the morning....with knots in my stomach and heart palpitations. I haven't felt like this since college - I don't know exactly the reason. There could be a lot of culprits. Here's what I have it narrowed down to:

1. There have been a lot of firings at work. Not that I'm on that list but it's still pretty unnerving that these people are being let go and it makes me - in some ways - concerned for my job.

2. I am stagnant. I told myself a long time ago that I wanted to go back to school for my PhD or another Masters degree. It's now been almost four years since I've been finished with my M.A. I think I'm antsy in getting to that next point in my life.

3. Going along with the second reason - my personal life has had kind of a shake up in the last few months....which is great! But, and this goes back to previous posts, I still worry that despite recent changes - I'm going to end up alone and enjoying all these wonderful things I'm doing with my life - ALL. BY. MY. SELF.

4. To tangent off of 3.....there is this guy. It's new...and part of me almost feels like it's too good to be true. He and I seem to be on the same page as far as - well - everything. There, of course, is a kink in the rope.....he lives in PA and I live in FL. Awesome.

I'm going home for Thanksgiving in less than 2 weeks and I anticipate a lot of things going on. I'm running a Half Marathon - which I'm totally stoked for btw - the run is an amazing scenic run. Yay for that. Jackie's birthday is the 24th - so obviously good times to be had by all:-) aren't they always when I go home? I'm hoping to see Netty and Reagan too - and I've made loose plans to hang out with Drew and Mike from high school...as well as a few others. Thanksgiving is most likely going to be spend at my Aunt Patty's - mmmmm butternut squash soup:-) I love home this time of year. The 10 days are sure to be packed and I guarantee lots of fun. Including actually meeting this guy for the first time.

This goes without saying - I'm nervous. Like I said, it almost seems too good to be true. I like him....a lot. And based on what I know and have heard...he likes me...a lot. All good things. So why can't you just let it be Katie????? Why can't you just go with the flow?! I wish I knew. I guess it just happens to me - I get nervous about things I am really excited about. What if he meets me and is like - you don't look anything like your pictures....or what if what we have via long distance doesn't translate in person? What if I don't like him? (which I highly doubt because - like I said - we're so on the same page).

I've been weighing a lot of options for myself. A lot. Grad school. Work. Friends. Family. Besides the fact that I've convinced Kelly to move to Florida.....I can't really leave right now. I guess part of me always thought I'd move back to the Philly area....just...kind of didn't want to believe it. I mean. It's home. I guess it's why I go back so much. I have to thank most of my friends for being there too....cause I really wouldn't go back as often if it weren't for Jackie or Netty - and of course my family - but that would most likely just be holidays (ok that's a total lie).

I love where I grew up. I loved the childhood I had. I had an awesome experience in my neighborhood. It's actually a story that I've always thought belonged in a novel or as a movie. When I describe it to people - they almost don't believe me...and really - why should they believe me? It really sounds like something someone would make up. It's definitely a story for another time....

But until then...I'm off to church to hope and work on making myself a more complete person entirely.

Holy Cow I'm In The Now!

Oops I did it again.....

Yes...a Britney Spears song IS the title of this post. I know I know. It's a guilty pleasure - what can I say?

It does pertain to my life right now. I went out with Matt last night. I briefly mentioned him in a previous post. He's nice. He's easy to talk to. I don't know that I'm that attracted to him - but - I'm definitely going to give him a chance. I still REALLY like Brian - but I haven't heard from him since Tuesday - and granted, he's been working - and (crosses fingers) hopefully he'll call me this weekend - but I think if nothing more - Matt'd be a good guy to hang out with a few times.

I don't know. I still think I'm going to end up alone - and trying to figure out life all on my own. I've done that for the last five years - and not that I haven't grown immensely as a person - but I'm really ready to share my experiences with someone. I'd like to find that person. You know. The One.

But alas - it is the First of November and the year is almost over. Another year has come and gone with no luck with guys. I've had a lot of other successes in my life - so I really can't complain. This year has gone FAST! I've done a lot of amazing things and traveled lots of cool places. I still have a bunch more that I'd like to accomplish before the year is over...we'll see if I get them done.

The next two months are going to be BUSY! I have my Half Marathon in three weeks! Jackie's Birthday Celebration! Thanksgiving! Home for 10 days! Then back to O-town for two and a half weeks until I go back home for about 3 weeks for Christmas and New years! I think this next month is going to FLY BY! Seriously - why does time go so much faster as we get older?

The one thing I do know - is that tonight we all get an extra hour of sleep! yay for that!

I had planned on going for a long run today - but I'm going to save it for tomorrow instead. I'm going to go to the gym and do a good spinning workout. My legs have been ultra tired lately - I think I need to stretch more.

Anyway - it's a beautiful Fall day here in Sunny Orlando - I love this time of year!

Just take one step at a time...there's no need to rush..

It's like learning to fly...or falling in love...

I heart that song - really truly deeply.

Anyway - I've been really in a meme mood lately - so here's some more stuff to know me better. Not that y'all don't already - I mean - the only people that read this are the friends I trust enough to read it:-)

"Hi. I'm Katie."

High School? College? Working?
I currently work as a freelancer in the television industry. My steady Permalance job is at the golf channel where I do a variety of things - but basically consider myself a preditor (producer/editor)

What do you want to be if you're not already working as it?
A college professor or a mental health counselor. I really like helping people.

Relationship with your parents?
I have an exception relationshp with my dad. We talk almost every day. My mom - yeah - it has its moments where it's strained but she knows I love her and she knows where we stand. Most of the times.

Any kids?
Nope - but some day - definitely. I think I want 4.

Brothers or sisters?
I have an older sister. She's a closed captioner. I heart her very much and can not wait til she moves to Orlando!

Any pets?
nope - but Deuce and Maya live in the house I am at....so they're my adopted pets:-)

Dating anyone at the moment?
A few guys - keeping my options open

Religion, do ya dig it?
I do now more so than I ever did before. I was raised Catholic but have since found a Unity church that teaches spiritual enhancement and improvement of self. I love it. And no, it's not a cult.

Something everyone loves that you hate:
Joe Buck. If you watched the world series - you understand what I'm talking about.

Something everyone hates that you love:
I don't know that they hate it - but most people don't like Soccer - and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

Something a lot of people are into you're indifferent about:
I will go with what my sister said - The Election.

Something different about your online self and your real life self?
Hrmm...I think my online self explains things much better than my real self does.

What are or were you teased about most in high school? Or are you the one doing the teasing?
I don't ever remember being teased in school. I think because I was so involved in a variety of groups - there wasn't one thing that made me stick out. I never teased other people though....I never wanted people to do it to me so I didn't to them. I do remember, however, being teased about my name - but I think they were just being more endearing...for example...friends used to say, "Katherine" or "Mary Katherine Gallagher" - because I hated when people didn't call me Katie. I still don't like it very much.

The Additional Stuff:
QUESTIONS:

01. What's the last TV show you saw?
Sportscenter this morning - and The Office last night

02. What are you wearing at the moment?
Jeans, My Phillies Shirt, and flipflops

03. Favorite Song of the Moment?
One Step at a Time - Jordin Sparks, and So What? - P!nk

04. What is your favorite scent?
Moonlight Path - Bath and Body Works

05. What's your occupation? What do you do there?
Freelance Producer - Golf Channel

06. What do you drink the most?
Water. Wine. Beer

07. What is your favorite restaurant?
Wazzabi. MMMMMMM sushi!

08. What will you be doing after finishing this?
starting work for the day

09. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A marine biologist. I was OBSESSED with sharks!

10. Your favorite romantic movie?
hrmm...this is tough...I have quite a few. Jerry Maguire? Probably because it combines sports and romance. And ya gotta have sports:-)

11. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
No one tagged me but I stole it from my seeeestar - and I heart her more than she'll ever know

12. What's the least favorite thing about yourself?
I wish I had more confidence sometimes

13. What are your ideal qualities in a novel?
Humor. Interesting Story - preferrably something real or based on a true story. Soemthing that involves sports and music

14. What time do you usually go to bed?
10ish - very rarely later than 10:30

15. What's the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
cfcbluesgirl? I think it says it call! cfc - chelsea football club, blues - chelsea's nickname are "the blues", girl - me:-)

Hey my friend it seems your eyes are troubled, care to share your time with me?

Dave's always a good pick me up in the morning. Not that I need a pick me up - but this week is definitely not as good as last week. And rightly so - I don't know many things that can trump the week I had last week. It kind of started last Friday with all the shennanigans (if you could even call it that). Something was just off. I had a fantastic week up until that point. I dont know how else to explain it.

This week - you might be asking - what's wrong with this week? Well - to start - the Phillies game that was supposed to be Game 5 on Monday for the World Series (and the final game) was "called" due to rain - but there are still three and half more innings to play. That being said - they're supposed to finish the game today (it was supposed to be yesterday but it was literally snowing at home yesterday) so here's hoping that they get it in.

What else? Well, as great as it is that one of the guys I'm seeing called me not only Sunday and Monday (albeit very late at night), we had made plans to hang out yesterday but because it was cold - I asked if we could do something else and he kind of bailed on me - including later in the evening - and when he asked for a raincheck I was like - ok sure - so I suggested a day to hang out - and he said he couldn't. I don't know what else to do. So - I'm not leaving it up to me any more. It's in his hands - the ball is in his court.

Continuing on - another guy I'm supposed to hang out with tonight - is sick - and I totally understand wanting to postponed hanging out until another time when he's feeling better - I agree. I'm actually not feeling too hot myself. But after the situation from the previous paragraph and now this - I'm like - do none of these guys want to hang out with me?! Seriously.

Last night I had to do something really difficult for me and for a friend. I have a friend that's kind of gotten caught up in a lifestyle that is detrimental to his health and his life. Me and a few close friends had an "intervention" (for lack of a better word) and despite us getting it all out - he was not very receptive to it. I am extremely worried about him...as we all are. The only plus that came with it was that an old friend and I got a chance to tell each other how much we missed each other. ::sigh:: I do miss him a lot.

------------------------------------------------------------------

But enough of the debbie downer stuff! I was reading Hot Thick Chick this morning and noticed a meme that she had on her page...so I decided to do one of my own:-) Happy reading!


10 Years Ago (1998):
1. I was in my Senior year of High School and at this point in the year, already knew where I was going to college in the Spring - Albright! Senior Year was a blast! Some times I wish I could go back to then:-)

2. I had a white 1988 Nissan Maxima. Trust me - it was not as flashy as it sounds!

3. I STILL had the biggest crush on Derek Drechsel - but continued to be his best friend anyway.

4. Earlier that year, I had my first series of boyfriends - Matt, Mike, Joe, Anthony....I'm not gonna lie...for as much drama as there was....it was nice to know that I would no longer be the girl who thought she'd never have a boyfriend:-)

5. My Grandparents celebrated their 50th Wedding anniversary.

5 Things on Today’s “To Do” List:
1. Run no less than 8 miles

2. Meet up with Matt for dinner (hopefully)

3. Continue to work on this Recap at work

4. Call the Montgomery County Election Commission to find out why I still don't have my absentee ballot.

5. Watch the Phillies WIN THE WORLD SERIES! (pending the game isn't postponed again)

5 Things that I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Pay off any debts of mine or any of my family - if I could.

2. Buy a house.

3. Invest a portion of it....and save it for future.

4. Take a nice long trip around the world - for at least two months!

5. Buy a personal trainer



5 Places I have lived:
1. Plymouth Meeting, PA
2. Reading, PA
3. Philadelphia, PA
4. Mt. Pleasant, MI
5. Orlando, FL

5 Jobs I have had:
1. I was a lifeguard for three summers from the end of my Sophomore year of HS to the end of my Senior year......one of the BEST jobs ever.
2. Au pair/Babysitter for my cousins for a few summers.
3. Television News Producer - worst job I've ever had - but learned SO much about myself, what I wanted for my life and about my abilities.
4. I worked as an office assistant for a few summers at different places - one was for a Financial Planner and the other was for a guy who ran his own audio business out of his basement. Two entirely different jobs but totally awesome experiences.
5. Preditor - current job - freelance producer and editor - I get to do something different every day. I love it!

(I'm adding my own five things)
5 Things You'd Like to do in the next 5 years:
1. Go back to school and get another degree
2. Travel to Australia, All over Europe and portions of the Far East
3. Get married (of course I can't just make this happen)
4. Buy a House.
5. If number three happens - have at least one kid.

I Go Back.....

"Jack and Diane" painted a picture of my life and my dreams,
Suddenly this crazy world made more sense to me
Well I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
Cause everytime I hear that song...

I go back to a two toned short bed Chevy
Drivin my first love out to the levvy
Livin life with no sense of time
And I go back to the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks
Everytime I hear that song, I go back

I used to rock all night long to "Keep On Rockin Me Baby"
Frat parties, college bars, just tryin to impress the ladies
I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
Cause everytime I hear that song....

I go back to the smell of an old gym floor
The taste of salt on the Carolina shore
After graduation and drinkin goodbye to friends
And I go back to watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks
Everytime I hear that song, I go back, I go back

We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives
Takes us to another place and time

So I go back to a pew,preacher, and a choir
Singin bout God, brimstone, and fire
And the smell of Sunday chicken after church
And I go back to the loss of a real good friend
And the sixteen summers I shared with him
Now "Only The Good Die Young" stops me in my tracks
Everytime I hear that song,

I go back....
To the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
I go back....
To watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall...
I go back....
To the loss of a real good friend
And the sixteen summers I shared with him...
I go back... I go back... I go back

~Kenny Chesney

___________

We've all had that song - that just reminds of that certain place in time....haven't we?


Right now - there's a weird situation going on in my life that has been bothering me for a year now and has been awkward for nearly three years. I know I've talked about it a bit before - but the basic idea is that one of my closest friends from college and guy I used to date - is no longer my friend. And while that seems normal because as we all know - we can't always remain close with exes or friends - it's kind of weird this time around.

To put it simply - I have a friend who is no longer really a friend because his girlfriend doesn't like me. She game him an ultimatum and he chose her - rightfully so. I suppose.

The thing that bothers me at the moment is that we have a mutual college friend in town and all of a sudden - this "friend" wants to hang out with me. While that's all well and good - it's just like - NO. You don't suddenly get to decide that we can all hang out when its convenient for you. For one weekend out of 52 in a year - just because a friend is here - that doesn't make everything alright and ok. You haven't attempted to be my friend all year - why start now?

I've got this whole speech in my head - which I'll most likely never tell anyone....but I have written him a letter....that I never sent. I just want him to be happy. As hard as the reminder is every day (we work at the same place) to see him and know that we have these awesome memories - I struggle to see the real reason I should continue to try and let him in my life. He clearly can't figure a way to balance her and me - and ok. Not everyone can - but really - I am not about to just jump when he tells me that it's ok to.

And so the song really just reminded me of all the songs I remember when he and I hung out or during college and things that reminded me of him. I'll always care about him deeply. He came into my life at a certain time that I needed him and I will forever be grateful.

I just can't do it anymore.

So so what! I'm still a rock star...I got my rock moves...

And I don't need you..and guess what? I'm having more fun..and now that we're done...I'm gonna show you tonight...I'm alright...and it's fine...and you're a tool so...so what! I am a rock star. I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight!

That's P!nk's new song. I love it. It gets me pumped for my runs. Speaking of which I didn't run today but I did go to the gym and spun for about an hour and a half. Felt good to sweat out the alcohol I drank last night at the game. Speaking of which....here's a pic from the game:



My dad flew down for the game - it was awesome and a once in a life time experience - and I will never forget it. AND THEY WON!

But so back to my song. Like I mentioned in previous posts - I am dating again. I'm kind of trying to go into this whole thing with the same attitude as the song....so what if it doesn't work out? I'm still a rock star:-) At least in my mind anyway. I'm a great girl - i've got a lot to offer. I will find someone some day.

Things are pretty good right now for me. I gotta say. Usually I have something to complain about - but not so much right now. I'm pretty happy - and honestly - it's about freakin' time:-) These things come in cycles - and thankfully I'm on the upswing of it and I'm having a good time. My friend Reagan is town this weekend and hopefully it'll be a good weekend. There have been a few changes on the front of the friendship with TJ - who knows what'll happen there. He actually asked me to hang out with all of them tomorrow night. I was shocked. I still kind of can't believe it. Maybe they'll change their minds. We'll see. I'll keep it updated as things go on this weekend.

I'm just really excited to see Reagan! I haven't seen him since January! It's been forever.

LET'S GO PHILLIES!!!!

I just takes some time...little girl...in the middle..

So I had the most AMAZING run today - I wanted to keep running but I figured not to overdo it all at once. I'll get up to the length of miles I need to run. Today was 8.5! Sunday was 7 - and I think the next time I run will be Saturday so I'll probably run 10 miles:-) and then do the same progression the following week.

Right now - I'm watching Sex and The City Movie. The scene where Big doesn't show up for the wedding just happened. I couldn't watch. I just. I know that feeling of not being able to breathe - of not knowing what I was going to do because the only person that I could see myself with - decided that wasn't going to happen.

For a while I've been trying to tell myself that I will be ok. I will find someone - no matter how much I don't believe it all the time.

I want to believe it - I really do - and I hope that its ok - I really hope I do find someone. I'm just - I worry about it a lot. I kind of want to really find someone - now. But I know I can't just rush into things. I know I don't want to settle for someone just because they're here right now. GAHHHHHH!

I need to freakin' chill the EF out!

Versions of My Former Self

I came across this on Sunday - and I reread it this morning. I have to say - I don't know if I necessarily agree with this all now - I started making it when I was 22 I believe (I'm pretty sure it was my first year of grad school. Looks like I need to add on to some more because it only goes up to last year....maybe for next post.

Let me know what you think....


Katie Version 1.0 = Age 0 to Age 16 - at this point in my life, i was still trying to figure out who I was...and even at 16 I didnt know, but once I got my license...everything changed

Katie Version 1.5 = Age 16 - Age 17 - my license opened my dull life of sitting home on the couch and complaining to having no friends...to a junior year of high school that allowed me to go to concerts almost three times a month down in philly and drive to places without the necessary parental drop-offs. Although there were some drawbacks such as a friend or two that used me, it was a slight change...plus, I finally had a series of boyfriends and some drama in my life, like a normal teenager

Katie Version 2.0 = Age 17 - Age 18 and one month - this basically encompassed my senior year of high school and was a major MAJOR change for me and my life. By the end of the year, I had my first serious boyfriend and was in love - weird, I know...but I had nothing but hopes and dreams to look forward to...until about August of this year and then my life went down the shitter...with the exception of going to Albright College at the end of the month....which leads me to my next version

Katie Version 3.0 = Age 18 - Age 19 - freshman and part of sophomore year of college....one of the best times of my life. I was single, young, and enjoying living with the BESTEST roommate ever! I redid the whole junior year drama shit and found that it was just not for me...too many guys..too many of them involved in the same things....(must remember to not date guys in the same frat and guys on the same swim team) - needless to say..by the end of the year, I was in love again but still the same happy-go-lucky katie that started the year off.

Katie Version 4.0 = Age 19 - Age 21 - this should probably be an entirely different version with an asterisk next to it because this was probably the time when I completely did a 180 - like going from a Mac to a PC and not knowing that you don't have to hold down the mouse button anymore to get to see the menu. This was the time of my self-destruction, depression, eating disorder, and all other crap that could go wrong, did. I transferred schools, found other avenues of depression and even found myself crying for no reason. It wasn't until the end of that that I was really changing. All while I had a boyfriend - amazingly we stayed together for that time. But even by my 21st Bday, although I was recovering, I still had those bad thoughts.

Katie Version 5.0 = Age 21 - Age 21 and 3/4 - my last year at LaSalle was by far the best. I was still in a relationship and was looking forward to an unknown future

Katie Version 5.5 = Age 21 and 3/4 - Age 22 and two months - My boyfriend and I broke up and I revisited the drama of my freshman year at Albright and Junior year at PW. I just pretty much went wild and had so much fun meeting new people. The people I met and hung out with during this time of my life are still my friends to this day. It was definitely worthwhile and I miss those days of two classes and beerpong/drinking at night...whew...what fun!!!

Katie Version 6.0 = Age 22 and two months - Age 23 - My first year at Central. The third college in six years. Grad school was something new and in a completely different place..it was unexpected....Michigan was nothing I had ever experienced before. And although I really liked it, it was different and the Katie that people met that year, was definitely a different girl. I was still trying to figure out who I was and getting over the breakup with my boyfriend. Getting used to being independent again and remembering what it was like to stand on my own two feet. A transitional year no doubt. Kind of like the year that people figured out which video game system they wanted - XboX or PS2....

Katie Version 7.0 = Age 23 - Age 23 and a half - My second year at Central and it has been nothing but a BLAST! Like Ryan said, this was the year of Katie Fitz...and it certainly has been. While there are no boyfriends to report of, some flings but none that lasted, I accomplished more in the fact that I have encountered so many people who have become the kind of friends I know I will have for a lifetime. I've done really well in school this semester and my attitude and even outlook on life has changed. I am more of who I used to be when I was a senior in high school, see Version 2.0, and remembering that I am gonna be okay. While there are still so many doubts and worries in my mind about what my future holds, I know that my friends and family will hold me up. If it weren't for them, I'd definitely be slipping back into Version 4.0 - and that certainly doesn't need to be revisited.

Katie Version 7.5 = Age 23 and a half to Age 24 - Last half of my second year at Central. I have to say - it definitely gave me a run for my money. Way too many things happened that I never want to revisit but I also ended up with a great person to call my best friend - despite our ups and downs. I met a lot of amazing people - and hell - I even graduated on time with a masters in hand. I got a job before school ended and I had a good summer. I got to see my mom a lot. Moved into a new apartment and living on my own.

Katie Version 8.0 = Age 24 to 24 1/2 - I am not all that happy with some of the choices Ive made. The only thing that is keeping me happy are the new people Ive met and my friends with their never ending support. I really couldn't do it without them. The highlights between the work weeks are the weekends where I find myself laughing more and enjoying the free time. I really miss my family - my sister. Some of my friends that I thought I had are no longer in the picture....and thats hard to swallow - no matter what way you look at it. I've kind of crept back into a hole of sorts when it comes to guys. I am no longer as upfront. My shyness is back - which is pretty evident when I'm in certain situations. But - I am hoping things will get better. I am happy to be living on my own though and doing my own thing.

Katie Version 8.2 = Age 24 1/2 to 24 and 8 months - In between the retardedness that was happening in my life (between the boys and men) I realized that I needed to do something for myself. I took control of a bad situation and took advantage of what was in front of me. At this point in my life I packed in what was a bad work/social/emotional environment for me and moved back home to face whatever would come my way. I literally felt like my whole life was ahead of me and I was leaving all the bad behind.

Katie Version 8.5 = same age as above - The one month that I was home, I pretty much got extremely depressed and gained a bunch of weight. This katie was not the katie that people know. This katie was completely different than any other katie and any other version. It is best not to delve too much into this katie as we do not need to remember this that much for we do not want to revisit this katie.

Katie Version 9.0 = Age 25 to Present (nearly 26) - in the last year, this Katie has changed in immeasurable ways. Things are starting to bother her less and she is starting to focus more on herself. She has left the past in the past and is even moving on from the person she used to hold on to....only allowing those positive qualities re-enter into her life and keeping the negative ones at bay. This katie is most likely the one to be held onto for quite some time. Its a very good thing :-)

I was Sitting, Waiting, Wishing......

you believed in superstitions,
then maybe you'd see the signs.
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

.....Jack Johnson. Gotta love him. Now I realize this song has a particular (singular) person in mind....but lately - I've been trying to understand why I must always be waiting - "waiting on love". Granted - I haven't really put myself out there in the last few years - mainly because I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it again. That being said - someone reading this who doesn't really know my past would probably think, "gee, what's wrong with her? What happened that made it so hard for her to trust herself to fall for someone else?" Yeah - well - I won't get into exactly who it was - but honestly - pinning it on someone else is a lame excuse - I prefer to say that it was me - because really - it was.

I was the one that wouldn't let others in. I was the one that couldn't see beyond what I had in front of me. I was the one that (in some odd way) still had hopes that things would change. I was also the one that believed that it would just...happen. You know? Like how they say it happens - when you're not looking for it?

I'm venturing into a new world for myself. I'm actually accepting dates with guys and going out with them. I know - amazing - not. I realize this is a normal thing for other girls - but as I was talking with my best friend yesterday - I think I'm just so into my own schedule (and I actually LIKE it) that I have a hard time giving it up for someone who I don't even know is worthy of my time - does that make sense? Like - I'm pretty much at the point in my life where I know what I want - what I want from a guy and what I want for myself with them. Some may see that as picky but I think it's just something I deserve.

Everyone has their "sob stories" so to speak - "I've had a hard life....I went through so much to get to this point....I can't believe I made it to where I am now" bleh bleh. And I don't mean to dismiss them in any way - but really the obstacles we overcome to get to the places we're at in life right now - make us who we are - and I truly believe they help us figure out more of who we are than anything or anyone else could. Yes - a guy broke my heart - but it was the way I overcame that and the way I decided I was going to live my life from that point forward. I have no one to "blame" or "applaud" but myself. I think people forget to applaud for themselves too often.

Example: A friend of mine is looking to change the direction of his life....and he doesn't know how to do it. Flat out. He said, " I just don't know how to start it - can you tell me?" I remember feeling like that. Feeling like I didn't know what to do or where to go. Not just with the direction of my life but moreso with how I was supposed to start seeing guys again. It's all one in the same really. The best way I can put it - and excuse me for stealing their motto but "JUST DO IT". Now is the time - just start and go. GO.

Too often I found myself just sitting and waiting and wishing that something/someone would just come along. Yes - I won't say it NEVER happens. I know it does - but the majority of the time - it doesn't. In the last few years I've realized if I want something/someone - I've just got to go after it and get it. No one will hand it to me - no one will be like "Katie, here's a platter of all the delicious choices of men you have to choose from - if you take platter A you'll get a tall dark and handsome man....or if you choose platter B you'll get a blonde surfer type guy who has the body but no brains". It just doesn't happen (wouldn't that be nice though!).

So I guess in a way I follow up my last post with this one in the same mentality that I just have to "suck it up".

It's scary though. I'm not gonna lie. I'm at the point where I'm contantly reminding myself that just because a guy likes me doesn't mean I have to like him back. Of course guys will like me - I'm awesome:-) I can't lose sight of who I am - I made that mistake once....never again. I refuse to tell myself that my interests are not as important has his - nor will I stop being the sports loving girl that I am. It's exciting too - it's nice to feel liked. It's been awhile since someone - outside of friendship - has genuinely been interested in me.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Suck it up....rub some dirt in it...and get back in there!

That - is going to be my motto for the rest of the year. "Suck it up, rub some dirt in it..and get back in there!"

It sounds silly but really - it's pretty true. I have been approaching a lot of the things in my life as "oh geez, poor me" or "man this sucks, I can't believe I STILL am having issues with my leg and can't run".

On my way home from work yesterday I realized AND reminded myself....I don't have to do anything for anyone else but MYSELF. Yes. I have signed up for two races in the near future...but I am still having issues with my leg. No. I didn't know it would be like this. But really...do I want to risk injuring it further by getting pissed that it's not healing and knowing I won't have enough time to train for everything that I want to? No. I don't. So here's what I'm going to do:

Since I know rest helps it - I am going to do just that. I am still going to work out - but not run. Granted - that'll change how I eat and whatnot but I'd rather have a working leg than one that doesn't. Also - I am going to find a doctor and see if they can either recommend a specialist or something to help with the healing. After I do all that - I am going to see how it feels. IF and only IF it is better - I will run....I have a 10K in a few weeks - which - might be doable. HOWEVER - if my leg starts to hurt again afterwards - the Half Marathon - I'm afraid - is probably not going to happen. Yes - it'll suck paying the money and not running and yes - it'll suck because it's in Philly and I really wanted to run while my family was watching AND it's a cool place to run - but I don't want to have permanent damage.

All that being said - I still have to motivate myself to workout. The running was something I guess I took for granted. I am going to miss doing it. It has really changed the way my body looks - at least - to me it has. I might try to start riding again - I haven't in a while - I should give Brian a call.

And the motto isn't JUST for my athletic/physical side. I am seriously going to just suck it up when it comes to the things that are being thrown at me in life. I can't sit here and wallow. It drains me of my energy and then makes me not want to work out. I LOVE to do that...work out. I need to find that passion again.

In other realms - I am traveling this weekend to Arizona for a shoot. Should be fun. I haven't packed yet. I figure I'll do it tonight after I get home from the gym and do laundry. It's been about three weeks since LA - feels a lot longer though. I'm starting to realize how much I really do love traveling. I'm just itching to get out of the country and explore. My friend Pam and I are thinking about taking a trip to Italy next Spring - if it works out - and Paul is in Spain by then - I think I'm going to go to Italy and then go to Spain - kind of a two week vacation. Depends though - on money - timing - work and other things. May seems to be like it might be the best option as for timing.

Anywho - Happy Friday! Hope all is well in the world:-)

the inner fat girl or the skinny bitch

oh she exists. In fact - she's usually around most of the time. She tells me things. Things like:

"Don't eat that Katie, do you know how many calories are in that chocolate cake?", or "What are you doing drinking that beer? You just ran 8 miles....now it's ruined!"

I hear it all the time. Unfortunately, I have gotten so good at ignoring the voices in the last year - that I am no where near where I want to be - body shape and weight wise (I say that with hesistation simply because as we all know - I don't use a scale). Numbers mean jack....and they make me go crazy....and obsessed. I don't want to be that way anymore.

I have been pretty disappointed with myself lately - slacking on my working out - my leg killing me from my running and not healing quickly enough to my liking. It's all around frustrating. I swear - underneath it all - I have this killer six pack on my abs and my legs are so toned that you can see the muscle definition from 50 feet away. But all I see whenever I look in the mirror is the same chubby girl from middle school.

I was a scrawny kid. I'm not gonna lie. I was. I had twiglike legs and the pixiest hair (is that a word?) - I was tiny - and I was active. So eating and food was never really a thing I paid attention to. I suppose it started when I was in middle school. A lot of things happened then too - my parents divorce - new school - sister and I fighting - the normal....but mom stopped making us dinner and so we had to fend for ourselves. Dinner was an "on your own" thing and since I was going to field hockey practice right to cheerleading practice or basketball or lacrosse - it just was easiest to get pizza or mcdonalds or anything that was fast. I don't know how I ate it all. I don't even think I remember eating a ton of it - but I definitely ate it. Pretty soon - my weight - from what I remember - shot up to about 140 as a 5'2" 8th grader. I was a chub. I was bigger than most of my friends and god love them for not being like, "we can't hang out with katie anymore - she's too chubby and she clearly will never get a boyfriend so she needs to be dropped". At the time - the thought never crossed my mind that I'd lose my friends because of my weight....and thankfully it's never come to that....but now that I'm older, I think of the things that could've happened.....

When I got high school - things changed. I continued to play field hockey - but picked up swim team. It was by far and away - the thing I was meant to do...and I truly believe - if I had started earlier and stuck with coaching year round - I would've undoubtedly been good enough for the olympics. I was pretty fast. But I digress....Freshman year started out ok. I was still a little overweight. The major difference though was that I "matured" - I dropped the baby weight and shot up four and a half inches. I dropped 20 pounds and was wearing size 2-4. It's probably the skinniest I had ever been (at least - up to that point in my life). I was swimming really well and got a lot of awards as a freshman on the team. I started to feel so good about myself. Just thinking I didn't have to worry about my weight again. It was awesome.

For the rest of high school - I slowly gained some of the weight back - to about 135 - which for someone of my height is pretty healthy - it dropped during swim season - obviously - but it wasn't until my senior year that I thought to run in the off season. I would run 6 miles almost every day. I MADE myself do it - and I got results. I didn't weigh myself but I could just tell from my clothes and the way they fit. I swam in the summer to prepare for college swim team and so I figured I'd be fine.

I got to college and still maintained the same weight through most of freshman year until swim season was over. Then...it was over. I gained about 15 pounds and got up to 148. I only remember that number because the next time I was weighed was at the doctors office just three months later and was down to 118. It was the lightest I had been - ever. I remember feeling so proud of myself and how amazing it felt to have that much control over everything.

While that's just a part of my journey - I still can't believe how much control it took for me to get that skinny. Most people think I still look the same but honestly - there is no way. I know it - I just don't feel or look the same. I don't know if I'll ever get back to a size 2 - but I can almost feel the 4. It's just going to take a lot of work. - A LOT of work.

I need to regain some sense of control. I guess that'll start with going to the gym tonight....

sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night....

Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kind of am at a crossroads lately. I've been sad this week. No particular reason. Yes, there are some things that happened that would be cause for sadness - but really - those aren't the things that have been making me sad.

I think I'm sad for a lot of reasons - all of which should be spun positively - but really - I hesitate to tell people things because I fear I will make them sad. For some reason - any time I tell certain people I am sad - it's almost like they assume I've been sad for a long time. I'm not - and I won't be - but I certainly believe I am allowed to have moments - even if they last longer than an hour - or a day - or a week - to be sad.

Why would I be sad? I have a good job - I have good friends - I am relatively healthy and I have a wonderful family supporting me.....so what could possibly get me down.

Well...I was reading this website Post Secret, which is this site (who know's if you've heard of it) that allows people to anonymously post secrets that they want to say but know they can't....it's kind of cool, sad, and happy all at the same time. I read this one that a young woman, probably about my age, posted how she always tells her mother that she doesn't like or want kids because what she really means is that she thinks she won't ever find a guy to marry her and have all that happen. That....made me sad...because I, in fact, feel I can relate. Maybe not so much to the first part - because I do want kids and I want a bunch of them (possibly 4) - but definitely the latter.

I am extremely afraid of never finding someone. I know - I know. There are so many other women out there that think the same thing. I know I'm not alone. But here's the thing - I don't understand why I feel this way. I am a great catch! And I really do believe that. I am smart. I like to think I'm cute. I have a good personality. I love to laugh and make people laugh too. I am caring, kind, and have compassion. I am honest and loving and extremely thoughtful. I am VERY laid back and extremely low maintenance. I just don't get it.

Now, all this being said. I don't think it's me....at all. I know most women have a tendency to think they're doing something wrong when it comes to finding that special someone. I'm not. I'm living my life...I'm open to new things...I'm doing what I've always done....and that has never seemed to be a problem before....although, I'll never forget this one saying that I learned at leadership camp in high school, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". Nice......if you don't like change. But then - who does?

Over the years - I've definitely become less afraid of life and the changes that can occur within moments.

Yesterday was September 11th. A lot of people have forgotten. I haven't. I still remember exactly what I was doing that morning and where I was and how afraid I felt. They surely assumed Philly would be a target since we were right between NYC and DC and - what better place to attack than where most of the major historical monuments are in the US? I watched 9/11 and United 93 yesterday - as well as MSNBC's replay of the actual events. It was definitely sad. It also made me realize....

I have never had anyone extremely close to me die. That, in and of itself, made me sad, concerned and worried. Also grateful.....Glad because I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone close to you...and that I haven't had to deal with it...but truly worried.....I don't know what I'd do if I did lose someone close to me.

Staying with that thought - what if something were to happen to me? How would people know? Would people find out? Few, if any, of my friends have the ability to contact my parents...sure they know them - but they don't actually know them. That's pretty scary.

Truth be told though...I am ok. I am healthy. I think people would find out - but it's still a fear. I've always thought you never really know who your real friends are until tragedy befalls you. It's a lesson I learned going through my eating disorder.....and one I always remind myself of.

And so what does the song have to do with the post?

Well, I think it's pretty clear but....."take these broken wings and learn to fly" I've been doing it all my life....and am going to keep doing it. Finding the light in the darkness is how we make it through. Finding the hope in the despair is what keeps us going. Hope, to me, is the basis for all things. As long as I have that, I should be ok.

I've just seen a face...

the time or place I can't forget...she's just the girl for me..and I want all the world to see we've met....mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.

Yay for Beatles in the morning:-) That song has been my song of the moment - particularly the one from Across The Universe....a movie I watched last week during our Tropical Storm Drenching...of which we had a "hurricane day"....woohoo for "snow days". It kind of brought me back to my childhood (wow - I feel like I should be 85 before I am allowed to say it like that...haha).

Today...I am heading out to Los Angeles to visit my sister and to run a half marathon at Disney. Both of which should be fun..but here is why I am kind of dreading the first.....

You see, Kelly is kind of going through a tough time right now....and while I have realistic expectations as to how she'll respond to my visit and the conversations I'm going to have with her....I also know that the change that she needs can only come from her. She's pretty lost...and she basically wants someone else to take care of all of it for her. The thing is....until she takes control of her own life, everything is going to continue to be bad for her. She's pessimistic. She has no actual positive thinking when it comes to herself or her situation. These things need to change ...because although my father thinks things will get better if she just gets a new job...if she doesn't change her way of thinking first and THEN get a new job...the negativity will stay with her forever and translate to some other problem. Complaining and whining are two of the best ways to be complacent (I am guilty of doing both, aren't we all though?)...and self-pity...which she has quite a lot of....only gets you into a deeper depression. Most people are so self involved, they don't care all that much about the struggles you are going through - with the exception of family and extremely close friends.

Friends. Friends are important. I've learned over the years and recently that they aren't always meant to stay in your life...and even if they are...the friendships we have fluctuate. I also believe we attract people who are similar to us - in that - the way they think - the way they carry themselves - and above all, how they treat other people. Unfortunately, Kelly has had a bad string of friends come into her life...and its been tough for her all her life...shes always been kind of the odd woman out. So she clings to attention - and who wouldn't if you're not used to getting it, right? It's only natural...but the thing is....she draws people close to her that are similar to her..in that...right now, she doesn't like herself, she has feelings of anger and jealousy, she doesn't understand how people can be so mean to her.

Kelly and I have always been different....and not just physically. When I was anorexic, I had the same moments and feelings she is going through right now. Hatred, anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and above all...selfishness. I think my anorexia was honestly the first time I did anything for myself (as odd as that sounds...who voluntarily keeps themselves from not eating? sounds silly right?). I did it to make myself feel like I was in control in a world that I felt was out of control. I internalized 95% of my life...which was difficult considering how many people I had surrounding me. Kelly, is starting to be more verbal with her concerns and laments....which I am glad she feels comfortable doing with me...but the problem is....she wants and knows she needs to change...but she isn't doing any of it. She's looking for someone else to do it. That...won't happen. Change comes from within....she has to look inside for her to actually realize:

I can be happy. I deserve to be happy. I can no longer rely on others to give me confirmation that I am living my life the right way. I must be happy with my decisions and if I am not, I will work to fix the wrong choices I've made. Everyone makes mistakes...it's human....but it's no reason to just accept the mistakes we've made. It's one of the best things about life...we have the ability to change and make change and make ourselves happy!

There are times I get lost in trying to make others happy that I have to check myself to make sure I am making myself happy along the way....I think people forget to do this a lot. What makes your life less important than someone else's? Who told you that was the case? *As a disclaimer - I am not married - and by the looks of things - won't be married any time soon - however - I think in the case of marriage - this is one of the THE MOST IMPORTANT things! How can you possibly be happy with someone else if you aren't happy with yourself? That's great if they're happy but really - where does that get you? I realize that statement sounds selfish - but in a way - it's not. ...and besides - aren't most relationships selfish anyway? We search for a husband/wife our whole lives to find the person that compliments our attributes. It's like from Jerry Maguire, "You complete me". Honestly - that's kind of silly. If someone else completes you, then you aren't a whole person yet, are you?

I don't know - maybe I'm just a jaded spinster who doesn't know what she's talking about. But really - I think I could be on to something. I just want what's best for my sister...I hope this trip goes well.....

I'll post pictures when I can:-)

100 things...continued....

So I only got up to 53 yesterday...I figured I'd try to finish this up. ::deep breadth:: here goes:

54. If I could wear hats every day - I probably would. Any kind of hat.
55. I real reason I am a vegetarian....is because when I first developed my eating disorder, I thought meat was where I was getting all my extra calories. Turns out - it's just cheese. HA.
56. I will try anything once.
57. I have never had to wear braces.
58. I wore a retainer in the 3rd grade.
59. My eyes change color depending on what color shirt I am wearing.
60. Whenever I fly, I write - I don't know why - it just kind of comes to me.
61. If I have a really bad day at work....I drive home in silence.
62. I bite my nails when I am nervous.
63. I bite my nails when I have nothing better to do with my hands.
64. Chewing gum is an oral fixation I developed when I developed my eating disorder...and I've never gotten rid of it.
65. I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at the stars on a clear night...there is nothing more relaxing and calming.
66. When I was younger I used to cry a lot....especially during neighborhood games with the boys.
67. I didn't pass any of the A.P. tests I took in high school.
68. The first C I ever got in school was in 8th grade, first marking period, Algebra...from Mr. Greishober.
69. The last C I ever got in school was in 12th grade, first marking period, AP Calculus...from Mr. Brown.
70. I served as senior class treasurer for the 1998-1999 school year.
71. The only thing that ever bothers me as far as insults go is if someone calls me stupid.
72. I gladly root for the Philadelphia Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers.
73. I eat a lot of popcorn.
74. I miss being creative.
75. If I had never left Albright, I was going to run for President of my sorority.
76. Looking at pictures is one of my favorite things to do to pass the time.
77. I love to listen to people's stories.
78. For some reason, I have the ability to remember movie quotes and television show quotes like it's my job.
79. I was a lifeguard for three years of my life during high school.
80. I love getting mail (who doesn't?)
81. I've never had anyone REALLY close to me, die.
82. I've only been to one funeral.
83. Sometimes I sit in awe of what my life has become and how much my life has changed.
84. I struggle every day to be the best I can be.
85. Mexican and Italian are my favorite types of food.
86. I like to make other people laugh.
87. Sometimes, I wish people would get to know the real me.
88. I am pretty sure I will always struggle with my weight.
89. I hold on to things for years and years....(cars, phones, clothes, shoes, bags)
90. I am not entirely sufficient....I still rely on my parents for a lot of help.
91. I have a hard time asking for help but welcome it when it's offered.
92. I find direction and meaning in music...all music.
93. I can play the piano, clarinet, flute, saxophone, and trumpet.
94. I get really quiet when I am uncomfortable.
95. If I can, I wear my hair in a ponytail as often as possible.
96. My life isn't turning out the way I thought it would - but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
97. When I had homework to do, the only way I could do it was to have music or a tv on at the same time.
98. I share everything with my dad.
99. I don't talk to my mom as often as I probably should.
100. I like my smile.