"You are not as fat as you imagine"

While this is true....I still feel pretty fat these days. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I didn't really eat very well and drank a lot more often than I normally do. Well, it was the holidays - and I'm sure it's not as bad as I think it is....I mean, all my clothes still fit - so it can't be that bad right?

I did measure my BMI on our Wii Fit tonight - which is where this "rant" came from. Now granted - I'm in the normal zone - I'm like JUST on the cusp of being overweight. Of course, it doesn't measure how much muscle I have(which I know is quite a bit), and therefore, isn't entirely accurate. I mean, we all know, if you try to measure BMI of super toned people, it says they're overweight because muscle is more compact than fat and yada yada yada....you know the rest. That being said...I'm aware that I'm not a body builder...and yes..I totally want to lose weight...I'm always trying to do that. But for the time being - all I can do is be healthy. I know the weight doesn't come off overnight..but there are things I know I can do to actually lose weight.

That being said - I do have some resolutions for myself this year...and like most people...losing a few pounds is one of them. In no particular order my fitness goals for 2009 are:

1. Get back on a regular lifting schedule - I kind of dropped off on my lifting in the spring last year - mainly because I was focusing so much on my running...and I just wanted to focus on that. Now, however, I am seeing the repercussions of me not lifting and its abysmal:-(

2. Run three to four times a week - which means only two or three days of spinning and one other day for another activity. I think the other activity will either be the stair mill at the gym - or possibly a spin session on my own time.

3. Start taking yoga/pilates. It's available at my gym. I don't know why I don't take advantage of it. I think it'll help with my core and balance and definitely make my back feel better after runs. I'd also like to be more flexible.

4. All the above being said, I'd like to drop one pant size or 10 lbs - whichever comes first. I've been told that dropping 10 lbs would be too much - but I beg to differ. Ha. Of course - since I don't weigh myself - this could be hard to judge - so I guess I'll be going by pant size:-)

5. I'd like to be able to go atleast four days in a row without missing a day of working out. I now know my body needs at least a day of rest every once in a while - despite knowing I get results from working out every day. However, as I get older, it takes my body longer to recover. So hopefully my workout weeks will look like this - run, spin, stairclimb, spin, run, spin, stairclimb, rest....etc.

6. The final fitness goal I'd like to accomplish is to run a marathon this year. I'm hoping to be able to do it for when it comes time to run the Philly Marathon. This year I ran the Half - so I'm hoping to run the full next November. I think it's a reasonable goal and one that I can handle.

Fitness goals aside - I do have eating goals. One of the things I wanted to do was to be all Organic by the time I'm 28. While I think it's possible...it would require a huge change in my spending habits and I don't think I am ready for that right now - so here's what I hope to accomplish this year:

1. Less carbs - more protein. Being that I'm vegetarian, I always struggle to find enough protein. Of course, carbs are my vice. But since I'm a runner, I need to eat more carbs than the average person - I just need to monitor how much I take in on days I'm not running.

2. Drink less alcohol. When I'm training - I usually don't drink that much. Maybe one glass of wine every friday - but that's about it. I am definitely cutting out beer.

3. No sodas or anything that has sodium in them. I recently read a memoir about a woman who lost lots of weight - and it was on a low sodium diet. I do notice how right after I eat things like chinese food or sushi, I am bloated and feel gross. While I'm not about to give up my once a week sushi - I'm definitely going to work on eating food with less sodium in them.

4. Be more prepared when I go on the road - have foods with me ahead of time. So often I go on the road and there isn't anything for me to eat because everything is so fat laden or has too much sodium or I just don't want it. I need to start bringing food with me so I don't have to worry about feeling crappy if I miss a day of working out.



I'm sure I'll have more fitness/health resolutions as the year goes on...but I think I'm going to start keeping track of my workouts too. I think it'll help me and make me not feel so badly on days where I decide to skip. Today for instance. I skipped working out. I'm always so hard on myself about this stuff. I know that I'm a good person despite how much I weigh...but I'd just like my outsides to match my insides...and that means being 10 pounds lighter and one size smaller.

No more people telling me I "wear my weight well". Bleh.

ETA: I am also going to start taking pictures of the foods I eat - this will help me be accountable of the food I put into my body. Obviously since it is now after dinner - I will be starting this tomorrow - but still - I think it's a good way to hold myself accountable for what I put into my tummy. Then I have no one to blame for lack of weightloss but myself.

the inner fat girl or the skinny bitch

oh she exists. In fact - she's usually around most of the time. She tells me things. Things like:

"Don't eat that Katie, do you know how many calories are in that chocolate cake?", or "What are you doing drinking that beer? You just ran 8 miles....now it's ruined!"

I hear it all the time. Unfortunately, I have gotten so good at ignoring the voices in the last year - that I am no where near where I want to be - body shape and weight wise (I say that with hesistation simply because as we all know - I don't use a scale). Numbers mean jack....and they make me go crazy....and obsessed. I don't want to be that way anymore.

I have been pretty disappointed with myself lately - slacking on my working out - my leg killing me from my running and not healing quickly enough to my liking. It's all around frustrating. I swear - underneath it all - I have this killer six pack on my abs and my legs are so toned that you can see the muscle definition from 50 feet away. But all I see whenever I look in the mirror is the same chubby girl from middle school.

I was a scrawny kid. I'm not gonna lie. I was. I had twiglike legs and the pixiest hair (is that a word?) - I was tiny - and I was active. So eating and food was never really a thing I paid attention to. I suppose it started when I was in middle school. A lot of things happened then too - my parents divorce - new school - sister and I fighting - the normal....but mom stopped making us dinner and so we had to fend for ourselves. Dinner was an "on your own" thing and since I was going to field hockey practice right to cheerleading practice or basketball or lacrosse - it just was easiest to get pizza or mcdonalds or anything that was fast. I don't know how I ate it all. I don't even think I remember eating a ton of it - but I definitely ate it. Pretty soon - my weight - from what I remember - shot up to about 140 as a 5'2" 8th grader. I was a chub. I was bigger than most of my friends and god love them for not being like, "we can't hang out with katie anymore - she's too chubby and she clearly will never get a boyfriend so she needs to be dropped". At the time - the thought never crossed my mind that I'd lose my friends because of my weight....and thankfully it's never come to that....but now that I'm older, I think of the things that could've happened.....

When I got high school - things changed. I continued to play field hockey - but picked up swim team. It was by far and away - the thing I was meant to do...and I truly believe - if I had started earlier and stuck with coaching year round - I would've undoubtedly been good enough for the olympics. I was pretty fast. But I digress....Freshman year started out ok. I was still a little overweight. The major difference though was that I "matured" - I dropped the baby weight and shot up four and a half inches. I dropped 20 pounds and was wearing size 2-4. It's probably the skinniest I had ever been (at least - up to that point in my life). I was swimming really well and got a lot of awards as a freshman on the team. I started to feel so good about myself. Just thinking I didn't have to worry about my weight again. It was awesome.

For the rest of high school - I slowly gained some of the weight back - to about 135 - which for someone of my height is pretty healthy - it dropped during swim season - obviously - but it wasn't until my senior year that I thought to run in the off season. I would run 6 miles almost every day. I MADE myself do it - and I got results. I didn't weigh myself but I could just tell from my clothes and the way they fit. I swam in the summer to prepare for college swim team and so I figured I'd be fine.

I got to college and still maintained the same weight through most of freshman year until swim season was over. Then...it was over. I gained about 15 pounds and got up to 148. I only remember that number because the next time I was weighed was at the doctors office just three months later and was down to 118. It was the lightest I had been - ever. I remember feeling so proud of myself and how amazing it felt to have that much control over everything.

While that's just a part of my journey - I still can't believe how much control it took for me to get that skinny. Most people think I still look the same but honestly - there is no way. I know it - I just don't feel or look the same. I don't know if I'll ever get back to a size 2 - but I can almost feel the 4. It's just going to take a lot of work. - A LOT of work.

I need to regain some sense of control. I guess that'll start with going to the gym tonight....

sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard.