I've been holding it together pretty well. At least, I think I have.
I'm extremely guilty of holding in my emotions WAY too much. This time is no exception.
The last few nights I've had a lot of different dreams. Last night I had a doozie of a dream. I've told y'all about them before and although I'm not going to divulge the details at this moment....let's just say this one kind of put me over the edge. I feel as though I need someone to help me wipe my subconscious from having dreams about this particular person. It does me no favors and actually upsets. A LOT.
Figured out who it is yet?
Aside from the stupidest dreams in the world....my life is completely topsy turvy right now. I feel like I'm going in a million different directions but am completely still.
I got an email from the director of Student Teaching yesterday telling me she received some paperwork for clearances at LM. LM has my clearances. Not only that, but I'm an employee there. The director of ST basically told me, "I hope you know how to handle this".....which, of course, sent me into an anxious spiral downward. For those that know my SINGLE issue that I have on my record...I can't imagine a school wouldn't let me student teach when I ALREADY WORK FOR THEM! I've been trying to calm myself and dispel the anxiety but it doesn't really seem to be working.
Along with that....I'm completely worried about my sister. It's kind of all my dad and I talk about these days. And he does ask me about me...but I feel like my life is kind of taking a back seat these days. Just in general...not because of anything else.
I can't focus. I can't make up a decision.
On top of which, I've been discussing some things with a few friends lately about guys. Yep. It wouldn't be a Katiefitz post without something about guys.
Truth be told...it has been SO long since I've been in a real relationship that even if a guy wanted to date me...I really wouldn't know what to do or how to be. Some people tell me that it'll be natural and you won't feel like you have to change too much. But is that really true? I find myself in situations where I am perfectly content with going home to myself. I find myself being attracted to guys who are completely unavailable because I am too and I know if I find someone as busy as me, then I won't have to feel badly that I'm not willing to make time for them......sounds terrible but it's where I'm at right now.
But then...how does that change? Because, you see, I do want all those things. I want a boyfriend...I want the eventual marriage...I want kids too. How do I make the transition from this life to a different one? Or have I gotten myself so engrained in the single life that I might never get out? It makes me anxious thinking about it.....
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”~Oprah Winfrey
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