All the world's a stage....

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

~Billy Shakespeare, As You Like It

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I went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream last night. So no, that quote does not pertain to the play I saw - but it got me thinking. Shakespeare not only wrote about what he knew, but what he was fascinated by.

If you aren't familiar with AMND, it's basically quartet of stories: 1. A king and queen who are set to be wed out of Athens. 2. A pair of "adolescents" where at the beginning both men are in love with one female and the other female is in love with one of the men (ah that unrequited love) but the female who has both of the men's affection is suppose to marry the one she isn't in love with (so says her father - damn those dad's!). 3. A fairy king and queen - and the king seeks revenge on the fairy queen because she will not give up a servant of hers. 4. A group of merrymakers whom basically serve as the comic relief in the play.

Overall, I'd say the play was good. I laughed a lot - which I should - it IS one of his comedies. But it got me thinking - especially the love square - how doting the one female character was on the male who didn't love her. She just didn't care. I think it's interesting especially since this happens so often to people. You fall for someone that clearly you know doesn't like you back and yet some how hope they'll change their mind. By the end of the play, the male does love her back but only because of a spell that was placed on him - not because he came to some realization about how wonderful she was/is.

I think it's a character almost everyone can relate to - regardless of whether your a man or woman. Don't we all essentially want to be loved? And don't we all wish it was the object of our affections that was doing the loving back?

I find myself stuck in this situation time and time again. Obviously - some of you are aware I've been trying to change that (see: new year's resolution). Unfortunately a slip up last weekend had me reeling and upset with myself. No, I shouldn't be this hard on myself for a mistake - and although in a way it felt like closure, I can't help but think - why would I allow it to happen? Yes, in the heat of the moment things like that just happen - but even the next morning? When all is clear in the light of day (who's the shakespeare now?!)?

I've never wondered if he did or didn't like me. It's very obvious that he does. But why should I let him dictate how things are supposed to be between us? I feel like I have a say in it too - of course - there is nothing that can be done if we've both said our piece and each of what we say is the opposite.

We haven't communicated all week. Nothing. Not one iota. Which got me thinking about another cliché saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". But does it really? Or does it just make the heart forget and move on? Some would say that if they really liked you, they would never forget you - others would probably agree with me to an extent. And yet some would definitely say - "he's SO not worth it, just move on...go out with that other guy".

And those are all fair paths. The thing is - and maybe this makes me sound crazy - but I do believe in signs. And lately - there have been a lot of them. And as odd as it sounds - they all kind of keep bringing me back to the idea that I shouldn't give up on him. Call me crazy - and I'm sure a lot of you will :-)

HOWEVER - I am not going to sit idly by and let nothing happen. I was thinking about it this morning......

Last night, as I mentioned, I went downtown to see a play. And I was invited out afterwards but did not go. I often wonder, "are my 'safe' choices boring or do they make for good outcomes?" A bit of an explanation - we have lacrosse practice today and I knew I wanted to go running before hand so instead of going out last night - I came home and went to bed. Lacrosse doesn't start til 11 - and I can easily go running afterwards - so what stopped me? Am I really THAT lame/boring? It had nothing to do with the people who asked me to be there. Nothing to do with not wanting to be out (I hardly ever go out). Nothing to do with being tired (although I was) because I easily could've pushed through and hung for a few hours. Am I in a rut?

I was texting Trish last night for a bit - G Love was playing in Orlando and a few months ago I was going to go down and see him and hang for the weekend. I ended up not going because I didn't know what my work schedule would be like. I should've gone. I could've used the vacation/break. I've been so overwhelmed this week with the change that I got sick. Although now that I'm thinking about it - I think it might just be allergies because the weather is getting nicer and I notice my eyes are feeling really sore from the wind/pollen getting in them. Still - the adjustment from one sport to the other made me anxious and nervous.

I had a panic attack on Tuesday night. And not just any panic attack. One like the ones I used to get when I was sick in college (read: eating disorder, anxiety). It was THAT bad. I mean - wake you up from a deep sleep to find yourself completely drenched in your own sweat and your heart racing a million miles a minute. Your mind starts wandering and you feel completely uncomfortable in your own bed not including your surroundings. You have no where to go but right where you are and all you can tell yourself is, "It's 1am, I have to be up in 5 hours - breathe, breathe, breathe - fall back asleep god damnit." Only you can't and you don't. Atleast not until 3, or so you think because that's the last time you actually looked at those beaming red numbers on your alarm clock. Your world has become topsy turvy in a matter of minutes and there's nothing you can do.

All the while your mind races about the past days events and the events to come later on that morning/day. You think that you're in over your head and the confidence that people admire in you is gone. If only people actually knew how frustrated and anxious you feel all the time.

But in reality - what you just read - is not as common as it used to be. THAT, was what used to happen to me on a nightly basis my Junior year of college. I can't even tell you how many phone calls I made to my dad at 1, 2, 3 in the morning because I was wide awake and panicking. It's scary. I hope there are no more to follow. I suppose only time will tell.

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If you're still with me after all of that....congrats....you now know most of my inner thoughts from the last week/day/night. I'm not a mess. Just sometimes I can't compartmentalize :-)

We have our swim banquet tomorrow afternoon - so sad. Can't believe our season went so fast. I already miss the girls and it's only been a week away from it. Here's hoping next year comes quickly!

So here are some questions to ponder:
DOES absence make the heart grow fonder? or do we just forget?
and
Are the choices that we consider 'safe', boring? or will the actually lead to good things?