Nearly a Year....

It's been nearly a year (next month) since the passing of Rachel and Troy. I realize it's relatively cliche to say this but, I truly can't believe how quickly a year has gone. The memory and awfulness of that morning still lingers in my mind. I don't think I'll ever forget Corrine coming into our house and telling us, "Rachel and Troy are dead." Words you never expect or hope to hear. I miss them every day. I think about them all the time. I can only hope to continue to keep their memory as a way of helping others.

Today is the First Annual (we hope) Rachel and Troy Foundation Golf Outing. It's at Green Valley Country Club here in Lafayette Hill, PA. It's going to be balls hot. And it's going to be a long day - but I don't think I'd have it any other way. It's going to be a good day and we're going to raise a lot of money in honor of them. All the money we raise goes to support women and children who are the victims of domestic abuse. The money we raise (specifically) goes to The Laurel House and Mission Kids. I can only hope that we are able to help other women and children before something terrible happens again.

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.
-- Author Unknown

The Week Ahead

Another Monday. Another Week. The LAST full week of June. Just one more to get through and essentially it'll be a little bit less stressful. Here's what this week looks like:

Today/Monday:
1st Day of Swim Lessons at PSC - this basically means mayhem this morning. Last minute requests from parents, kids not knowing where they belong, guards not knowing what to do, etc. Hopefully it goes smoother than I expect it to.

After work I'm going to hang out with Paul. Yay! We came up with a crazy idea of driving to OCNJ tonight for some ice cream/drinks and then driving back (yes, all in the same night). We'll see how late we get started on the journey :-)

Tuesday:
Work @ PSC, Class Presentation/Project due for my 2nd to last Summer class, Hanging out with Josh after class.

Wednesday:
Work at PSC, Cabrini 4-7, making the baskets for the Golf Outing Auction items

Thursday:
Work at PSC, LAST CLASS! 4:30-7ish

Friday:
Work at PSC

Saturday:
Work at PSC

Sunday:
9:30AM Board Meeting, Phillies Game @ 1pm! (My first - FINALLY - of the season). I can't wait!

So it's a slightly less busy week - but still packed nonetheless. I anticipate a lot of Foundation stuff during the down time....which reminds me...I have to email one of my guards to see if I'll have more volunteers.

Until later....

"Do yourself a favor....don't ever play poker"

Is what my boss/supervisor/mentor at Cabrini told me the other day. It was the same day that I did horribly on the second practice Praxis test. I don't hide my sadness very well it seems. Honestly, I think I do, but when it comes to people that I know will care, I don't. No one else, besides my friends, knew of the frustration I was having all week. Especially no one at work.

So here's what's happened since Wednesday:

Thursday I went for a run in the morning. It was hot! But I'm glad I ran outside. I went to work and learned that the Board Members at PSC want to change like - a lot of things that will create a very dangerous environment at the club. Needless to say, it's kind of up to me to save it. Ha. That's a post for a different time. After work I went to class - where I was all prepared to give my lecture presentation but some stupid woman just got up and changed the order of who was going to lecture in class. I was pretty pissed - especially since I had my presentation all set up from the get-go. Yeah. Not a happy camper after class. After that, I got home and walked into my house - chilled and decided to meet up with a few of my guards later that night at Scoogi's in Flourtown. Thursday nights is karaoke and/or trivia - we were all excited for trivia but because there were too many people there - it was just karaoke all night. But I sang! Haha my head guard and I sang an Eminem song (The Real Slim Shady of all songs...haha). I couldn't stop laughing. It was a fun night. The day ended much better than it had began.

Friday was a new day. I woke up - went to spin class. Went to work. Did some stuff and then decided it was just going to be a nothing doing day. When I get back on Sunday I will be extra motivated. I felt really good after spin class - and then a few hours later I felt really hung over - ha - I only had three beers! But - I went to coaching in the afternoon. The last for the year and there weren't many kids there - so it was fine. I got home and had dinner. Shortly thereafter I got a phone call from Paul! He was home! So I went over to his house for about a half hour - saw him - chatted - etc. His family is having a family reunion this weekend so I didn't stay long - but I just wanted to see him. I missed him! Besides, deciding to leave early was a good decision because I wanted to get a good night sleep before the Praxis today.

Here's the crazy part:

So I'm hanging out - on facebook - checking email - waiting to go to bed. And the doorbell to my house goes off. It's four of my guards from PSC. Yes. They showed up to my house. [[Backtrack a bit: Earlier in the day at work, they all found out I had never seen Mulan. So they felt it was their duty to come over and watch it with me. And that's just what we did. It was the most unusual and interesting situation I've ever been in. Oh, did I mention they were all guys?]] I was just as surprised as anyone would've been. I really didn't expect them to come here. I guess I know better from now on. Ha. Well, its a funny story to tell anyway. They were all so cute too - they dressed up thinking they were going to meet my mom and stepdad. haha - it was pretty funny. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or flattered that they wanted to come over and see me. Haha. It was one of those moments you know you'll never forget.

As for today - I'm just chillin' until 9 or so - then I'm going for a short run - shower - and review a bit of the Praxis stuff. I need to figure out exactly where I go for the test. It's in Conshy - I'm just not familiar with 100 W Maple street. So. Yeah. I'm going to take my test - and then I'm supposed to go to my cousin's graduation party - but I actually found out on Thursday that my final project for my Education class is due on Tuesday. So. Yeah. I have to do homework when I get home. Fun. And then I work tomorrow. Good times.

Anyway - fingers crossed for me! I'm going to need it!

Today is a new day....

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...”~Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of my favorite authors. So true. He's right, and I know it. So why can't I seem to let things go? I wish I knew how to do that. I suppose I'm better at it some days than others. Right now, the way my life is right now, I am struggling letting go.

I have so many things on my mind. As amazing as Tuesday night was with my bestest, after yesterday, all the stress returned. Here's a list of just some of the things I have to accomplish within the next week and a half:

1. Presentation in my EDG class (tonight) - of which I am pretty sure I'm going to bomb....which sucks cause I don't want to.
2. Take the Praxis test (Saturday) - every practice test I've been taking, I've been doing miserably on the Reading/Writing sections and kicking the Math section's ass. Maybe I should've listened to my mom....and become a math teacher.
3. Last day of coaching (tomorrow) - which isn't stressful - but I just want to get it over with.
4. My cousin's graduation party (Saturday) after the Praxis test.
5. Organizing the 4th of July celebration at PSC - activities list and whatnot.
6. Plan a Ladies Night at PSC.
7. Plan Family Night at PSC.
8. Organize a Volunteer Schedule for the Foundation Golf Outing (this should actually be moved up on the list).
9. Write an email to Baldwin about my interest in becoming the Asst Swim Coach for the next school year.
10. Exercise so I don't lose my mind!
11. A final project for my EDG class - I haven't even started on this - the last class is a week from today. yah. Awesome.

BUT - today is a new day - what I need to do is make a reasonable list of what I can accomplish today and do it. So here's what I'm going to try and tackle today....

1. Run
2. PSC (organize the 4th and Ladies night)
3. Review my presentation for class - read over the information for the 8 minute lecture.
4. Class - present my topic.
5. Study my praxis stuff after class.

I still have yet to call my doctor about getting some kind of anti anxiety meds. I also need to make a lady doctor appt and a dentist appt. awesomeness.

Here's hoping that once this golf outing is over - my life will be MUCH more simplistic. But I'm not gonna lie. I'm REALLY NOT looking forward to turning 29 this year. Like almost to the point where I'm gonna cry about it. :-/

Less Adventures...More Stress

Yep, you read that correctly. Less dating adventures. More stress. Stress from what, you ask? Oh let's see. Where do I begin. I'll go in reverse order from a few minutes ago, to this morning/last night.

c. 9PM EST.
Finished my first (of what will be three more until I do better) practice PRAXIS tests. So I want to be an English teacher. Interestingly enough, I did the best on the Math section of the practice test. I did HORRIBLY on the Reading section and just as bad on the Writing. [[Sidenote: A few things I'm keeping in mind. It's been a long day. I haven't really been able to focus all day. I'm extremely tired. I'm trying to keep it in perspective. It's only the first one. I haven't studied at all. And I still have a few more days before the test so that's always a good thing.]]

c. 4-7PM EST.
Working at Cabrini. Nearly have a meltdown as I'm trying to study a bit for the Praxis tests. It wasn't that busy there today. I actually decided to get there early today because I just couldn't deal with being at the club any more.

c. 10:45AM -3:30PM EST.
Working at PSC. I kind of dreaded going in from the get-go. I'm forgetting things. Making stupid mistakes. Telling people interested in membership the wrong things, etc. I do account all this to be the result from the added stress of school and the Praxis prep. I'm thinking about a lot of things right now. When I get stressed I tend to forget things. That being said - I may be paranoid as well. I'm starting to think some of the guards (particularly the head guards) don't like me. Not that I expect them to be super excited to see me all the time, but I don't know, I just kind of get the sense that I'm not welcome any more. Not sure why. Not sure if I did something and don't know I did something. But the problem is a double edged sword. The guards I think have the issue are the kind of people that won't say anything (they'd rather bitch about it) and the other edge of the sword is if I do say something, I could be wrong and THEN they'll think I'm crazy. I've thought of just saying, "hey, are we cool?" or "hey, I think you're doing a great job - now that I've been here a bit - is there anything you might offer for advice as far as getting better acquainted?" - I don't know - maybe all those are stupid. Honestly - they don't have to like me. They don't. But I'd rather know if they don't - then I'll know how to approach them from here on...does that make sense?

c. 8:45 - 9:25AM
Running - 5.5 Miles - difficult. hot. humid. sweaty. bleh.

Last night I was in bed, getting ready to fall asleep. Watching the Tony's. My dad called. I started crying. It was better than the other night with crying. I got some of what was on my mind out - but it's still pretty weighted with thoughts and worry.

Today - I heard one of my favorite Barenaked Ladies songs. The lyrics are as follows:

I have set aside everything I love
I have saved everything else for you
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of
Though I thought over it through and through

In a book in a box high upon a shelf
In a locked and guarded vault
Are the things I keep only for myself
It's your fate but it's not your fault

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

There is nowhere else I would rather be,
but I can't just be right here
An enigma wrapped in a mystery,
or a fool consumed by fear

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I realized I've been keeping things for myself. I need to stop doing that so much. I have a terrible habit of it. TERRIBLE habit. I need to be better at getting it out.

As for the rest of the week. I'm hangin out with my bestest! tomorrow :-) Can't wait! Some much needed bff time - looking forward to it.

At some point tomorrow or Wednesday I'll need to take another practice Praxis test - then one Thursday and one on Friday. Saturday my test is at 12:30 and then it's my cousin's High School Graduation Party.

Also - PAUL COMES HOME ON FRIDAY!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!

"high five!"......"turkey!"

So I learned a few things at PSC yesterday:

1. There are new ways to give High Fives - one involved a turkey, a jelly fish, a hotdog, a squid, and an octopus (I think). Ask me some time, I'll show you what I mean.

2. There is NOTHING that a kid won't do for attention.

3. Babies will undoubtedly puke in the baby pool.

4. Guys, given the right ammo, will be intrigued about pretty much anything.

5. Spending a day there will make me feel better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As per my previous post, I didn't get a good night sleep Friday night. That being said, I didn't sleep well last night either. I had another panic attack. I went to my room with the intention of going to sleep early around 10PM - the last time I looked at the clock it was nearly 1AM. This means =====> I did NOT get a chance to run this morning. I did NOT get enough sleep last night. I am cranky this morning because I already feel fat. Awesomeness.

I have my last lifeguarding cert class this morning. It's pretty much our final tests in the water and on paper. Whatevs. I'm not worried. I kind of wish I could've done it yesterday. Afterwards, I am scheduled to work the late shift. So. Depending on how I feel. I may either leave and go for a run OR stay and suck it up...hang out at the club. Miss the boys' softball game. And just stay til close. We'll see. I suppose it just depends on how long the tests take.

I don't know what's up with me lately. I'm seriously concerned about the panic attacks. I'm not sleeping because of said panic attacks. I feel as though the lack of exercise yesterday had a bit to do with the lack of tiredness last night - but I suppose it shouldn't matter, right?

Oh well. Off to another day! Sometimes I feel like I'm back in college again - putting on a happy face for people who don't really know what's beneath. I suppose that's why I know I can write all this here, because the ones that are reading this are truly my friends so they understand me.

Do Not worry

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'

For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-34

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anybody that knows me, knows I'm not a very religious person. I was born and baptized Catholic (ask me about my baptism some time, it's pretty funny). I was raised to understand the principles of Catholicism and attend Mass each weekend and particularly on holy days. I hated ever minute of it....well....once I was old enough to have other activities (ie. sports) I hated it. CCD (which if you're unfamiliar with this, is essentially what the public school kids go to if they don't go to catholic school. It's once or twice a week after regular school for a few hours. You learn all the basic tenets/principals of the bible and the catholic religion. See how exciting that is?) was always something I despised. Especially in 6th grade when I knew that would be my last year of it and I was getting confirmed. I had to not only do all my regular school work but memorize 50+ random religious questions that the Cardinal MAY or MAY NOT ask any one of us during our Mass. Talk about pressure. Of course, I knew my odds. I most likely wouldn't be asked anything....so I didn't learn them. Am I better off? Who knows.

Here's the thing: As much as I don't follow my religion and have A LOT of issues with the way women are treated in the Catholic church - I do really still enjoy religion as a topic. I enjoy learning about religion(s). I like learning about the history behind why they got to be the way they are and how there are SO many different kinds. Occasionally I do find myself wanting to attend a Mass. There's something about knowing it will always be the same that's almost reassuring. Kind of like the same way that turning to an old friend in times of trouble/bad, you know they'll always be there for you and help you.

That being said - the bible passage I wrote at the beginning of this post is pretty much my favorite passage. The first time I heard it, I was blown away. I couldn't help but think - did people back then have anxiety too?! Lately, if you've been following, my life has been pretty busy and generally for me that means anxiety follows.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I went to bed at a reasonable hour. And then it happened. I had another anxiety attack. Instead this time, along with the feeling of having a heart attack, I started crying...and crying..and crying. Some people tell me that there are times when you just need a good cry. This was not a good cry. Good cry's are when you're upset about something else and you just CRY and CRY. My tears last night were ridden with worry and anxiety.

As I usually do, I started talking to myself....yes, out loud. Some times it's easier to hear what you're thinking. After about 5 minutes, I remembered this passage. "Do Not Worry". And although my anxiety is still apparent, I found a bit of comfort in knowing there are others out there that have the same kinds of worries I do.

My life isn't where I thought it would be right now. Although, to be fair, I didn't really know where my life would be right now. The things I want versus the things I have and have accomplished are pretty unbalanced. I have definitely accomplished more than I thought I would in such a short time period. I'm proud of those things. But I suppose it's only safe to say that I'm human. By that I mean, if you think about it, most humans focus on the things they don't have rather than the ones they do. Always wanting more of what we don't have already.

I am so blessed(there I go, using more religious jargon) to have so many things and people in my life that make me happy and sane. I often forget to sit back and relish in that.

Let it float....

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..." ~ from Hope Floats

It's the Summer. Summer was always my favorite time of year. No school. Lots of swimming time. Sleeping in. Holidays. My Birthday. Etc.

With each passing year, I worry that I'll lose a bit of my childish ways. Yes. I worry I'll lose that. Fortunately, since I'm working at PSC this season, I probably won't lose that.

If I haven't said it before, my guards are great. They're all really fun kids (they're definitely kids...with a few exceptions)! We have an eclectic group of people and always have a good time no matter who's on duty that day. I like that. I also like the fact that they've been so welcoming to me. It can be difficult to break into a group that's like that. They've all been there for at least two years so they know each other really well. I'm the knew person. It can be tough. But so far, despite the anxiety I have, things are pretty good.

Lately, as I usually do every few weeks, I've been thinking about where my life is at. Am I happy with it? What would I do differently? Will I get a teaching job? Will I EVER move out of my mother's house (please dear lord let this be the first one to be resolved!).

I really do look forward to the day that I can have my own place or share a place with someone. Just having my own space is a godsend. And it certainly helps if I want to have people over. I was thinking the other day how great it would be to have a party for the guards outside of work - but where would I have it? Exactly. I can't have it at my house - not enough room. And I suppose we could try to have it at someone elses house but then it would just be weird. It's probably not the best idea anyway. I am, afterall, their boss. I wouldn't want to get into trouble let alone get them into trouble. Don't ask why I think either of these are possible. I suppose I'll just wait til the guard party to hang out with them.

I'm really trying to take an active interest in their lives outside of work too. It helps them trust me and know that I do genuinely care for their well being. I went to Chris' softball game last weekend. I'm going to Erin's field hockey game next Monday. I'd like to get to one of Nick's baseball games. Hopefully Sara will have some kind of bowling tournament this summer. I'd just like to show them that there's more than just work. Ya know? Obviously it sounds like I could be stretching myself too thin...but I'll make time for it and what's important.

I just hope that I'm doing the right things on a daily basis. I often worry that I'm spending time doing the things that aren't important. I don't want to waste my life going in the wrong direction...but then I suppose every journey has it's benefit and each journey allows us to learn in the process.

Getting back to it....

I'll admit it. I haven't been doing that great since I've started working at PSC.

No, not in the way everyone might think. But in the way that I allow ANYTHING to pass through my lips (ie. french fries, pretzels, french fries...french fries). ya. It's pretty bad. And I have to wear a two piece. Personally, I don't think it's a very pretty site. But that could just be me. Honestly, I don't want to continue with it. So here's my solution (or temporary one):

[[Sidenote: If I'm being entirely honest here, modesty kind of went out the window a few years ago. I have to suck it up here. I'm at least 5-6 years older than the next oldest worker at PSC which means my body isn't going to look like theirs. That being said, not all of them have exceptional bodies, but the ones that do just put me to shame - in terms of body. The real sitch is, I really want a six pack. I think I can work hard to get it. So, I'm going to.]]

1. I will stop eating the food from the club. Just because it's offered to me by the guards, doesn't mean it's ok to eat. It's free food, not free calories.

2. I will eat more fruit and veggies as well as drink more water throughout the day. The heat really puts a damper on my appetite, which can be great but I still need to drink water. That's pretty important.

3. I'm going to start doing some P90X workouts. I'll most likely borrow the DVDs from Bill and Anne up the street. Hopefully they'll be cool with that.

4. I won't be so hard on myself when it comes to getting to where I want by a certain time. It's a slower process (I AM old, so it'll take a little bit longer).

5. I want to get my bike!

~~~~~~~~~~

On the Agenda for this week:
Today: PSC then Cabrini for a few hours - Then PRAXIS STUDYING!
Tomorrow: Spin Class, PSC, Class @ Cabrini, Foundation Meeting
Wednesday: PSC then Cabrini - PRAXIS STUDY!
Thursday: PSC, class @ cabrini
Friday: PSC, Coaching @ Baldwin
Saturday: More lifeguard cert stuff, Work PSC
Sunday: Last lifeguard cert class, Work PSC

This week is pretty much the norm for the next three weeks, at least until I take the Praxis test, finish lifeguarding certs, finish class @ cabrini, and finish coaching at Baldwin until the Fall.

Some good stuff:
-Paul is coming home the 18th! yay!!!! can't wait to see him.
-Jon might be coming up to visit! yay!!!
-Being busy will make the month go quickly:-)

New Adventures....and Lifeguarding

The latest in my dating adventures....two Fun Facts:

1. Dave wants to get together again. He asked me to collect on my rain check from the week before. I told him I'd get back to him. I didn't/haven't. I suppose it makes me a horrible person but what can ya do when you are so busy?

2. I chatted with Aaron on Thursday night. We only chatted for about 15 minutes but before we said goodbye he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the weekend. I'm pretty slammed this weekend so I explained all that. To which he responded, "So I guess I'll just hit you up some time next week? Unless you're not interested in hanging out. I mean I don't know you could be blowing me off...but I think you're a pretty honest person so I'm just asking if you're still interested in hanging out." All this kind of caught me off guard. I told him I wasn't blowing him off - I really am that busy and FOR WHATEVER REASON (I don't know what possessed me to say this) I also said, "yes, I'm still interested in hanging out".

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!! I don't want to hang out with him again! Wow. Awful. I'm awful.

Anyway - that's the latest and greatest - honestly though - I have been really busy. Between my three jobs and school, I have very little time for other things and even when I do, I'm exhaustified. By the end of June I should be set as far as having more free time. So only three more weeks of this craziness. awesome.

To give you an idea, a typical week for me right now looks something like this:
Monday: Work at PSC, workout, Cabrini from 4-7, homework
Tuesday: Spin class, PSC, Class 4:30-7, homework, Foundation Meeting
Wednesday: PSC, workout, Cabrini 4-7, homework
Thursday: PSC, workout, Cabrini 4-7, Foundation meeting
Friday: Spin Class, PSC, Coach 4:30 - 7
Saturday and Sunday: PSC all day

This weekend I started my (re) certification of my Lifeguarding Cert. Honestly, everything came back to me this morning as we started everything. We have three more sessions but really just one more in the pool. Tomorrow we're doing full rescues, Next Saturday is CPR certs and next Sunday is the final test. Easy Peasy. I was a little worried when I first decided to do all of this mainly because I'm still pretty unsure about my body but whatever. I just sucked it up. And, oh yeah, the fact that I'm like 15 years old than the next person trying to get certified. Yeah. awesome.

Today was a much better day at PSC too. I think I've officially bonded with Bethany, which is great. She's pretty cool when you get down to it. I'm hoping this makes the rest of the summer go smoothly. And it seems as though the rest of the guards are really liking me:-) So yay!

lastly - the tops of my legs got burnt today. Awesome.

p.s. Dear Rain, if you could hold off until tomorrow when work has to start that'd be great. I'd like to run in the morning and do our lifeguard certs. K thanks. Love, Katie