A Family Friendly....er.....Family Frustrations

I love my family.

I realize for a lot of people - that statement is an obvious one - not just for me - but for everyone. You just inherently love your family. Yes?

Obviously, not everyone was raised that way. You don't always love the people that you are surrounded by....but as we all know: You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family...you're just stuck with them. What you get is what you get. Almost a sort of a roulette game if you will. Some times you land on a 7 red (good old lucky number 7) and other times you land on 13 black (eek). Granted - it's all relative. Some people totally have it worse than I do....but honestly...I wouldn't wish the kind of people that some of my family are, upon ANYONE. Not even my worst enemy. Truly.

Allow me to explain.

Yesterday, my mother, sister and I were sitting at home, enjoying a nice saturday afternoon when my Aunt (my mother's eldest sister) calls from Scotland. Ok fine. She's flying in tomorrow (4th) and wants to make sure she has one of our phone numbers for us to pick her up at the airport. No prob. Sure enough, that brief conversation turns into my Aunt telling my sister that she was mad that we didn't call her on Christmas or New Years and that the only person that did make a call was our other Aunt Barbara.

Let me stop right here and explain - my sister and I - we are two of 8 nieces and nephews my aunt has. NONE OF THEM CALLED HER - so how is this our problem? What's that you say? She's giving us money from her will/our inheritance early so we should do whatever we can to make her happy?

This is the kind of family I have.

Perfect example: When I was in college, I had an opportunity to enter a beauty pageant here in Philly. I went to a consultant who told me I had a really good chance at winning. The only problem was that I needed a "sponsor" to pay my fee for the pageant. So I asked my Grandfather because he has a company and surely my own grandfather would support this, right? Surely your own grandparents think you're beautiful and smart and witty enough to win a scholarship contest (read: Miss Congeniality). His words, "What makes you think you can win this contest? Do you have a guarantee? I don't think I can give you this money because I don't think you'll win."

These are the kinds of family members we have. They are not willing to give without knowing their investment is secure and that they'll get what they pay for, so to speak.

I should lay a disclaimer now, NOT ALL OF MY MOM'S FAMILY IS LIKE THIS. My Grandfather is the worst. My Aunt Kim (the oldest of the 8) is awful. Each of the kids have their own different personal quirks. But after what my aunt kim said to my mom and sister yesterday about how she thinks they should be living their life (god the judgment was just OOZING out), I put my foot down.

No one is allowed to speak to my mom or sister that way. It's re-god-damn-diculous! If my Aunt so much as speaks to me in any kind of manner that way - she'll be going to back to Scotland in a coffin instead of an airplane.

As much as I complain about my family some times. They're MINE. And especially my immediate family. YOU DON'T EF WITH THEM. EVER. I'm VERY protective of them, to say the least. Which I'm sure you can figure out by now.

All the same. what kind of family does that?

Living at home

I moved back in to the house I grew up in back in May of 2009. I was living in Florida working in Television.

Part of the move was prompted by my own feelings and thoughts that I might/should start to "grow up" or at least start that path. Not that what I was doing wasn't grown up, cause I could definitely live a life like the one I was - but it's not really conducive to what I'm hoping to get out of life. Those are for another post another time...this post, is about being at home.

Some of the MAJOR differences about living at home mainly deal with having to cope with a negative atmosphere on a constant basis. That and the fact that my family is kind of in my face like 24/7. That's not to say that I don't like being around my family - in fact, my dad has pretty much become my best friend. But since my parents divorced when I was 10, I haven't lived with my dad since then. Henceforth, I've lived with my mother.

My sister left for college when I started high school - so it was pretty much just my mom and I. I was really busy in high school - yep, I was one of those kids - swim team, honor society, treasurer of our class, etc. Being busy was great! I was hardly ever home because I was always either at school or at an after school activity. My social life wasn't really anything to brag about, but once I was able to drive, I was pretty much out of the house as much as possible. Ah the life I used to have.

So I go away to college, spend some of the last few years at home more than away. After I graduated I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle to Au Pair for my cousins over the summer before I left for Grad School. I moved to Michigan. Lived there for almost 3 years. Moved home for a month. In that month I nearly lost my mind. Not just because I had no job and it was in the middle of winter, but negativity. It, more or less, infected me.

So, I get a job in Florida, move there for three years. And then I decide it's time to grow up. So. I go back to school - figure it's cheaper to move in with my mother. Honestly - I thank my lucky stars I've had this option. But here's the deal.

For as long as I can remember - my mother has been depressed. She always seems to be searching for something more than what she has. I almost feel like she's never satisfied with her life. In some ways, I admire that. I really do. I admire her always wanting to do everything she can for my sister and I. She gives her all for my sister and I and always has. She always will. But on the other hand. That creates a sense of "martyrdom" that she clearly feels she fills. It gets extremely difficult to deal with people who are like this. (wow, I sound like I'm whining). I suppose in a way I am. But the thing is, no matter how clearly I feel like I'm explaining this to anyone, to understand what I mean, you must witness it yourself.

Case in point: My dear friend Paul has recently returned from travels in Europe and South America. He decided to travel and explore. I commend it. If I had the means, I'd be doing that right now. The other day, he was over my house and my mother (who has NEVER said anything to him about his lifestyle or how he lead's his life) decided it was necessary to tell him that he has, "to grow up sometime." and that she'd "really like to see him settle down already." I was and still am pretty mortified (read: embarrassed). The amount of judgment that drips from those two phrases is embarrassing. Now, I realize part of it was said out of caring for him and wanting to see him happy - but honestly - who is she to say that to him?

It all kind of filters into something that I sense from her. I feel like no matter how many degrees I obtain/earn or travels I take, it won't matter to her until I am married and have a family. Then, my life is valid in my mother's eyes. It not only makes me feel awful but in a way it makes me so sad.

I already deal with the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's moved back in with her mother and although I have a sense of direction - the first two won't change for at least another year. Granted, it's my life. I AM living my life for ME. Trust me on this. But doesn't everyone still have that sense (however small it may be) that we want to please our mothers/parents?

Just some food for thought.

Also I leave you with this....I love my mother for being the strong person she is. For helping me overcome my eating disorder and showing me that I am a strong person like her. She offers a perspective I may not always agree with. But I will always love her.

A New Year - A New Perspective?

So often we find ourselves ringing in the new year telling ourselves, "This year will be different. This year I'm really going to do the things I set for myself as goals." Usually it's like that or something along those lines.

Here's the truth. I do this EVERY year. Sometimes, I accomplish them. More often than not, though.....I don't.

I'm starting over this year. I know I know. Everyone says that. It's January 1. Of course you're starting over. But you know, I really am.

This blog has always served a purpose for myself to basically whine to "no one" about the things going on in my life. I say "no one" even though I know a few of my friends read this on occasion. But my friends already know these things about me. That's why they're my friends.

From this point forward, I'm using this space to talk about the crazy things my mother does while I'm here at home (thank god it'll only be for a short period of time...a special post about living with your mother is yet to come!). It'll be about the choices I decide to make while I'm struggling to figure out what it is I want exactly in my life. It'll be about my constant desire to want to be healthy (read: skinny) and my struggle to know that I'll never be a super model nor will I ever look like one. Basically, It'll be about me - but in a less whiny manner.

I hope to amuse (first and foremost) and of course reflect on my life. I've been through a lot in the 28 years I've lived on this place we call Earth, but my goodness do I still feel like I have SO much to learn.

Shall I start with my supposed 2K10 RESOLUTIONS? (k, but don't hold your breadth...let's just say, if I can accomplish 1/3 of this list, I'll totally be thrilled)

1. Visit friends more/Be better at Keeping in Touch
2. Take a big trip to Europe
3. Finish Grad School
4. Get a head coaching job
5. Read more often
6. Help/Volunteer/Donate my time more
7. Make RTF Golf Outing awesome!
8. Write more
(Exercise goals)
1. Eat Clean
2. Eliminate Sugar
3. Run a Marathon
4. Get Six Pack Abs (haha)
5. Get my Spinning Certification
6. Get my training Certification
7. Work with a trainer
8. Ride with a Team

So I guess that's about it for now. There are more - but the "more" is really just on my Bucket List of life.

I think I can do almost all of these things this year. We'll see next January 1.