Anyone like that Bruno Mars song? It's one of my favorite jams at the moment. Yes, I just said "jams" and no, I'm not apologizing for it. I work with high school/middle schoolers.....I have to have the lingo down! :-)
It got me to thinking....that song....stick with me here....Lately, I've definitely come more into my own. By this I mean I'm more confident in the person I am - Just the way I am. I don't make excuses for the things I like or dislike. I don't feel the need to justify to people why I want to do things or not do things. I'm liking this version of myself. Maybe it's the Katie that I always was, just took me awhile to find it. I think it takes all of your 20's to realize that.
Speaking of all of my 20's...I have been very lackadaisical about finishing my 30 in 30. Suggestions? Keep them coming....I need at least 12 more....
I was thinking the other day - as I was driving - how different November was compared to September (remember that month? It was a terrible one for me)....and yes, I skipped over October...that still wasn't the greatest month either. But November. November is by far the best of the Fall months (so far). Weird that we're on the cusp of December - TOMORROW! Can you believe it?! 2010 is almost over. I feel like I haven't even accomplished nearly half of the things I wanted to. Cest la vie, right? It happens. Life gets in the way...or as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
Some updates before I head out for a nice SLOW run (outside, in the cold...eek!):
COACHING
-I still heart it....I'm slowly getting the girls to come around to me. Granted, I have since allowed them to start practicing with their aquatic clubs - hopefully this'll change as the season progresses. You have no idea how difficulty it is for me to compromise on this. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I don't really feel as though in just a week and a half they've given me a chance. But, it is what it is....and maybe in a few weeks time they'll prefer to be at my practices instead of the others...
-It's forcing me to remain more vigilant in my organization. I'm generally pretty organized, but every so often I kind of let it fall by the way-side. I think this'll be good for me in the long run.
-Some of the girls (and the boys) are really receptive to my suggestions in and out of the pool. It's kind of nice....I don't know how else to describe that :-)
SCHOOL
-Had my last class of the semester for Cabrini last night. I was a little displeased since I had to leave coaching early just to go to this class that ended up being about 30 mins. All we ended up doing was handing in a project. Bleh.
-Next semester I have class again on Mondays but it's at 7:15 which is great because then I won't have to worry about leaving practices early.
-I've managed to switch my GPS schedule so I'll be working during the day from 11-2 and then not have to worry about going back there or leaving practice early. This is awesome news! I start this schedule today.
HOME
-My mother has been on a rampage in the last few weeks. She's basically yelling at my sister and I like it's her job. And honestly, right now, it kind of is. She doesn't go back to school until January (OMG kill me now) and so shes bored. She doesn't have anything else going on in her life. I can understand it. I just think she should take her frustrations out on something else....I'm so tired of it. Kelly takes it much harder than I do....I just kind of hand it back to her in a rational way - which makes her realize shes overreacting to a lot of stuff and it's not really us she's mad at. Kelly just kind of gets upset and starts to cry. And I'm not gonna say it's easy to have your mom speak to you the way she does to either of us...but in reality, it's not personal. We just have to kind of realize it.
[[Sidenote: In fact - most of the times when people yell at each other, it's not always because they're mad at YOU, they're mad a the situation they're in. I can 100% say this is the case with my mom. Something else is bothering her and the fact that she has the time to think about everything makes it THAT much more difficult for her to get past the fact that in a year's time, pretty much everything she's yelling about won't matter. It's all about perspective.]]
-My goal is to find a job over the summer so I can finally earn enough money and move out - I don't want to still be there this time next year. I need my own place. Preferably somewhere around the mainline so my commute to LMHS, Baldwin and Cabrini isn't as bad. We'll see how that goes.
MONEY
-yup, still don't have much. And with the holiday's coming up - I'm nervous about being able to buy things for my family. That's all I'm going to say about that.
PAUL COMES HOME ON DECEMBER 24th! YAY! :-D
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Living at home
I moved back in to the house I grew up in back in May of 2009. I was living in Florida working in Television.
Part of the move was prompted by my own feelings and thoughts that I might/should start to "grow up" or at least start that path. Not that what I was doing wasn't grown up, cause I could definitely live a life like the one I was - but it's not really conducive to what I'm hoping to get out of life. Those are for another post another time...this post, is about being at home.
Some of the MAJOR differences about living at home mainly deal with having to cope with a negative atmosphere on a constant basis. That and the fact that my family is kind of in my face like 24/7. That's not to say that I don't like being around my family - in fact, my dad has pretty much become my best friend. But since my parents divorced when I was 10, I haven't lived with my dad since then. Henceforth, I've lived with my mother.
My sister left for college when I started high school - so it was pretty much just my mom and I. I was really busy in high school - yep, I was one of those kids - swim team, honor society, treasurer of our class, etc. Being busy was great! I was hardly ever home because I was always either at school or at an after school activity. My social life wasn't really anything to brag about, but once I was able to drive, I was pretty much out of the house as much as possible. Ah the life I used to have.
So I go away to college, spend some of the last few years at home more than away. After I graduated I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle to Au Pair for my cousins over the summer before I left for Grad School. I moved to Michigan. Lived there for almost 3 years. Moved home for a month. In that month I nearly lost my mind. Not just because I had no job and it was in the middle of winter, but negativity. It, more or less, infected me.
So, I get a job in Florida, move there for three years. And then I decide it's time to grow up. So. I go back to school - figure it's cheaper to move in with my mother. Honestly - I thank my lucky stars I've had this option. But here's the deal.
For as long as I can remember - my mother has been depressed. She always seems to be searching for something more than what she has. I almost feel like she's never satisfied with her life. In some ways, I admire that. I really do. I admire her always wanting to do everything she can for my sister and I. She gives her all for my sister and I and always has. She always will. But on the other hand. That creates a sense of "martyrdom" that she clearly feels she fills. It gets extremely difficult to deal with people who are like this. (wow, I sound like I'm whining). I suppose in a way I am. But the thing is, no matter how clearly I feel like I'm explaining this to anyone, to understand what I mean, you must witness it yourself.
Case in point: My dear friend Paul has recently returned from travels in Europe and South America. He decided to travel and explore. I commend it. If I had the means, I'd be doing that right now. The other day, he was over my house and my mother (who has NEVER said anything to him about his lifestyle or how he lead's his life) decided it was necessary to tell him that he has, "to grow up sometime." and that she'd "really like to see him settle down already." I was and still am pretty mortified (read: embarrassed). The amount of judgment that drips from those two phrases is embarrassing. Now, I realize part of it was said out of caring for him and wanting to see him happy - but honestly - who is she to say that to him?
It all kind of filters into something that I sense from her. I feel like no matter how many degrees I obtain/earn or travels I take, it won't matter to her until I am married and have a family. Then, my life is valid in my mother's eyes. It not only makes me feel awful but in a way it makes me so sad.
I already deal with the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's moved back in with her mother and although I have a sense of direction - the first two won't change for at least another year. Granted, it's my life. I AM living my life for ME. Trust me on this. But doesn't everyone still have that sense (however small it may be) that we want to please our mothers/parents?
Just some food for thought.
Also I leave you with this....I love my mother for being the strong person she is. For helping me overcome my eating disorder and showing me that I am a strong person like her. She offers a perspective I may not always agree with. But I will always love her.
Part of the move was prompted by my own feelings and thoughts that I might/should start to "grow up" or at least start that path. Not that what I was doing wasn't grown up, cause I could definitely live a life like the one I was - but it's not really conducive to what I'm hoping to get out of life. Those are for another post another time...this post, is about being at home.
Some of the MAJOR differences about living at home mainly deal with having to cope with a negative atmosphere on a constant basis. That and the fact that my family is kind of in my face like 24/7. That's not to say that I don't like being around my family - in fact, my dad has pretty much become my best friend. But since my parents divorced when I was 10, I haven't lived with my dad since then. Henceforth, I've lived with my mother.
My sister left for college when I started high school - so it was pretty much just my mom and I. I was really busy in high school - yep, I was one of those kids - swim team, honor society, treasurer of our class, etc. Being busy was great! I was hardly ever home because I was always either at school or at an after school activity. My social life wasn't really anything to brag about, but once I was able to drive, I was pretty much out of the house as much as possible. Ah the life I used to have.
So I go away to college, spend some of the last few years at home more than away. After I graduated I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle to Au Pair for my cousins over the summer before I left for Grad School. I moved to Michigan. Lived there for almost 3 years. Moved home for a month. In that month I nearly lost my mind. Not just because I had no job and it was in the middle of winter, but negativity. It, more or less, infected me.
So, I get a job in Florida, move there for three years. And then I decide it's time to grow up. So. I go back to school - figure it's cheaper to move in with my mother. Honestly - I thank my lucky stars I've had this option. But here's the deal.
For as long as I can remember - my mother has been depressed. She always seems to be searching for something more than what she has. I almost feel like she's never satisfied with her life. In some ways, I admire that. I really do. I admire her always wanting to do everything she can for my sister and I. She gives her all for my sister and I and always has. She always will. But on the other hand. That creates a sense of "martyrdom" that she clearly feels she fills. It gets extremely difficult to deal with people who are like this. (wow, I sound like I'm whining). I suppose in a way I am. But the thing is, no matter how clearly I feel like I'm explaining this to anyone, to understand what I mean, you must witness it yourself.
Case in point: My dear friend Paul has recently returned from travels in Europe and South America. He decided to travel and explore. I commend it. If I had the means, I'd be doing that right now. The other day, he was over my house and my mother (who has NEVER said anything to him about his lifestyle or how he lead's his life) decided it was necessary to tell him that he has, "to grow up sometime." and that she'd "really like to see him settle down already." I was and still am pretty mortified (read: embarrassed). The amount of judgment that drips from those two phrases is embarrassing. Now, I realize part of it was said out of caring for him and wanting to see him happy - but honestly - who is she to say that to him?
It all kind of filters into something that I sense from her. I feel like no matter how many degrees I obtain/earn or travels I take, it won't matter to her until I am married and have a family. Then, my life is valid in my mother's eyes. It not only makes me feel awful but in a way it makes me so sad.
I already deal with the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's moved back in with her mother and although I have a sense of direction - the first two won't change for at least another year. Granted, it's my life. I AM living my life for ME. Trust me on this. But doesn't everyone still have that sense (however small it may be) that we want to please our mothers/parents?
Just some food for thought.
Also I leave you with this....I love my mother for being the strong person she is. For helping me overcome my eating disorder and showing me that I am a strong person like her. She offers a perspective I may not always agree with. But I will always love her.
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