That - is going to be my motto for the rest of the year. "Suck it up, rub some dirt in it..and get back in there!"
It sounds silly but really - it's pretty true. I have been approaching a lot of the things in my life as "oh geez, poor me" or "man this sucks, I can't believe I STILL am having issues with my leg and can't run".
On my way home from work yesterday I realized AND reminded myself....I don't have to do anything for anyone else but MYSELF. Yes. I have signed up for two races in the near future...but I am still having issues with my leg. No. I didn't know it would be like this. But really...do I want to risk injuring it further by getting pissed that it's not healing and knowing I won't have enough time to train for everything that I want to? No. I don't. So here's what I'm going to do:
Since I know rest helps it - I am going to do just that. I am still going to work out - but not run. Granted - that'll change how I eat and whatnot but I'd rather have a working leg than one that doesn't. Also - I am going to find a doctor and see if they can either recommend a specialist or something to help with the healing. After I do all that - I am going to see how it feels. IF and only IF it is better - I will run....I have a 10K in a few weeks - which - might be doable. HOWEVER - if my leg starts to hurt again afterwards - the Half Marathon - I'm afraid - is probably not going to happen. Yes - it'll suck paying the money and not running and yes - it'll suck because it's in Philly and I really wanted to run while my family was watching AND it's a cool place to run - but I don't want to have permanent damage.
All that being said - I still have to motivate myself to workout. The running was something I guess I took for granted. I am going to miss doing it. It has really changed the way my body looks - at least - to me it has. I might try to start riding again - I haven't in a while - I should give Brian a call.
And the motto isn't JUST for my athletic/physical side. I am seriously going to just suck it up when it comes to the things that are being thrown at me in life. I can't sit here and wallow. It drains me of my energy and then makes me not want to work out. I LOVE to do that...work out. I need to find that passion again.
In other realms - I am traveling this weekend to Arizona for a shoot. Should be fun. I haven't packed yet. I figure I'll do it tonight after I get home from the gym and do laundry. It's been about three weeks since LA - feels a lot longer though. I'm starting to realize how much I really do love traveling. I'm just itching to get out of the country and explore. My friend Pam and I are thinking about taking a trip to Italy next Spring - if it works out - and Paul is in Spain by then - I think I'm going to go to Italy and then go to Spain - kind of a two week vacation. Depends though - on money - timing - work and other things. May seems to be like it might be the best option as for timing.
Anywho - Happy Friday! Hope all is well in the world:-)
Friday, September 19, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
the inner fat girl or the skinny bitch
oh she exists. In fact - she's usually around most of the time. She tells me things. Things like:
"Don't eat that Katie, do you know how many calories are in that chocolate cake?", or "What are you doing drinking that beer? You just ran 8 miles....now it's ruined!"
I hear it all the time. Unfortunately, I have gotten so good at ignoring the voices in the last year - that I am no where near where I want to be - body shape and weight wise (I say that with hesistation simply because as we all know - I don't use a scale). Numbers mean jack....and they make me go crazy....and obsessed. I don't want to be that way anymore.
I have been pretty disappointed with myself lately - slacking on my working out - my leg killing me from my running and not healing quickly enough to my liking. It's all around frustrating. I swear - underneath it all - I have this killer six pack on my abs and my legs are so toned that you can see the muscle definition from 50 feet away. But all I see whenever I look in the mirror is the same chubby girl from middle school.
I was a scrawny kid. I'm not gonna lie. I was. I had twiglike legs and the pixiest hair (is that a word?) - I was tiny - and I was active. So eating and food was never really a thing I paid attention to. I suppose it started when I was in middle school. A lot of things happened then too - my parents divorce - new school - sister and I fighting - the normal....but mom stopped making us dinner and so we had to fend for ourselves. Dinner was an "on your own" thing and since I was going to field hockey practice right to cheerleading practice or basketball or lacrosse - it just was easiest to get pizza or mcdonalds or anything that was fast. I don't know how I ate it all. I don't even think I remember eating a ton of it - but I definitely ate it. Pretty soon - my weight - from what I remember - shot up to about 140 as a 5'2" 8th grader. I was a chub. I was bigger than most of my friends and god love them for not being like, "we can't hang out with katie anymore - she's too chubby and she clearly will never get a boyfriend so she needs to be dropped". At the time - the thought never crossed my mind that I'd lose my friends because of my weight....and thankfully it's never come to that....but now that I'm older, I think of the things that could've happened.....
When I got high school - things changed. I continued to play field hockey - but picked up swim team. It was by far and away - the thing I was meant to do...and I truly believe - if I had started earlier and stuck with coaching year round - I would've undoubtedly been good enough for the olympics. I was pretty fast. But I digress....Freshman year started out ok. I was still a little overweight. The major difference though was that I "matured" - I dropped the baby weight and shot up four and a half inches. I dropped 20 pounds and was wearing size 2-4. It's probably the skinniest I had ever been (at least - up to that point in my life). I was swimming really well and got a lot of awards as a freshman on the team. I started to feel so good about myself. Just thinking I didn't have to worry about my weight again. It was awesome.
For the rest of high school - I slowly gained some of the weight back - to about 135 - which for someone of my height is pretty healthy - it dropped during swim season - obviously - but it wasn't until my senior year that I thought to run in the off season. I would run 6 miles almost every day. I MADE myself do it - and I got results. I didn't weigh myself but I could just tell from my clothes and the way they fit. I swam in the summer to prepare for college swim team and so I figured I'd be fine.
I got to college and still maintained the same weight through most of freshman year until swim season was over. Then...it was over. I gained about 15 pounds and got up to 148. I only remember that number because the next time I was weighed was at the doctors office just three months later and was down to 118. It was the lightest I had been - ever. I remember feeling so proud of myself and how amazing it felt to have that much control over everything.
While that's just a part of my journey - I still can't believe how much control it took for me to get that skinny. Most people think I still look the same but honestly - there is no way. I know it - I just don't feel or look the same. I don't know if I'll ever get back to a size 2 - but I can almost feel the 4. It's just going to take a lot of work. - A LOT of work.
I need to regain some sense of control. I guess that'll start with going to the gym tonight....
sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard.
"Don't eat that Katie, do you know how many calories are in that chocolate cake?", or "What are you doing drinking that beer? You just ran 8 miles....now it's ruined!"
I hear it all the time. Unfortunately, I have gotten so good at ignoring the voices in the last year - that I am no where near where I want to be - body shape and weight wise (I say that with hesistation simply because as we all know - I don't use a scale). Numbers mean jack....and they make me go crazy....and obsessed. I don't want to be that way anymore.
I have been pretty disappointed with myself lately - slacking on my working out - my leg killing me from my running and not healing quickly enough to my liking. It's all around frustrating. I swear - underneath it all - I have this killer six pack on my abs and my legs are so toned that you can see the muscle definition from 50 feet away. But all I see whenever I look in the mirror is the same chubby girl from middle school.
I was a scrawny kid. I'm not gonna lie. I was. I had twiglike legs and the pixiest hair (is that a word?) - I was tiny - and I was active. So eating and food was never really a thing I paid attention to. I suppose it started when I was in middle school. A lot of things happened then too - my parents divorce - new school - sister and I fighting - the normal....but mom stopped making us dinner and so we had to fend for ourselves. Dinner was an "on your own" thing and since I was going to field hockey practice right to cheerleading practice or basketball or lacrosse - it just was easiest to get pizza or mcdonalds or anything that was fast. I don't know how I ate it all. I don't even think I remember eating a ton of it - but I definitely ate it. Pretty soon - my weight - from what I remember - shot up to about 140 as a 5'2" 8th grader. I was a chub. I was bigger than most of my friends and god love them for not being like, "we can't hang out with katie anymore - she's too chubby and she clearly will never get a boyfriend so she needs to be dropped". At the time - the thought never crossed my mind that I'd lose my friends because of my weight....and thankfully it's never come to that....but now that I'm older, I think of the things that could've happened.....
When I got high school - things changed. I continued to play field hockey - but picked up swim team. It was by far and away - the thing I was meant to do...and I truly believe - if I had started earlier and stuck with coaching year round - I would've undoubtedly been good enough for the olympics. I was pretty fast. But I digress....Freshman year started out ok. I was still a little overweight. The major difference though was that I "matured" - I dropped the baby weight and shot up four and a half inches. I dropped 20 pounds and was wearing size 2-4. It's probably the skinniest I had ever been (at least - up to that point in my life). I was swimming really well and got a lot of awards as a freshman on the team. I started to feel so good about myself. Just thinking I didn't have to worry about my weight again. It was awesome.
For the rest of high school - I slowly gained some of the weight back - to about 135 - which for someone of my height is pretty healthy - it dropped during swim season - obviously - but it wasn't until my senior year that I thought to run in the off season. I would run 6 miles almost every day. I MADE myself do it - and I got results. I didn't weigh myself but I could just tell from my clothes and the way they fit. I swam in the summer to prepare for college swim team and so I figured I'd be fine.
I got to college and still maintained the same weight through most of freshman year until swim season was over. Then...it was over. I gained about 15 pounds and got up to 148. I only remember that number because the next time I was weighed was at the doctors office just three months later and was down to 118. It was the lightest I had been - ever. I remember feeling so proud of myself and how amazing it felt to have that much control over everything.
While that's just a part of my journey - I still can't believe how much control it took for me to get that skinny. Most people think I still look the same but honestly - there is no way. I know it - I just don't feel or look the same. I don't know if I'll ever get back to a size 2 - but I can almost feel the 4. It's just going to take a lot of work. - A LOT of work.
I need to regain some sense of control. I guess that'll start with going to the gym tonight....
sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Blackbird singing in the dead of night....
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I kind of am at a crossroads lately. I've been sad this week. No particular reason. Yes, there are some things that happened that would be cause for sadness - but really - those aren't the things that have been making me sad.
I think I'm sad for a lot of reasons - all of which should be spun positively - but really - I hesitate to tell people things because I fear I will make them sad. For some reason - any time I tell certain people I am sad - it's almost like they assume I've been sad for a long time. I'm not - and I won't be - but I certainly believe I am allowed to have moments - even if they last longer than an hour - or a day - or a week - to be sad.
Why would I be sad? I have a good job - I have good friends - I am relatively healthy and I have a wonderful family supporting me.....so what could possibly get me down.
Well...I was reading this website Post Secret, which is this site (who know's if you've heard of it) that allows people to anonymously post secrets that they want to say but know they can't....it's kind of cool, sad, and happy all at the same time. I read this one that a young woman, probably about my age, posted how she always tells her mother that she doesn't like or want kids because what she really means is that she thinks she won't ever find a guy to marry her and have all that happen. That....made me sad...because I, in fact, feel I can relate. Maybe not so much to the first part - because I do want kids and I want a bunch of them (possibly 4) - but definitely the latter.
I am extremely afraid of never finding someone. I know - I know. There are so many other women out there that think the same thing. I know I'm not alone. But here's the thing - I don't understand why I feel this way. I am a great catch! And I really do believe that. I am smart. I like to think I'm cute. I have a good personality. I love to laugh and make people laugh too. I am caring, kind, and have compassion. I am honest and loving and extremely thoughtful. I am VERY laid back and extremely low maintenance. I just don't get it.
Now, all this being said. I don't think it's me....at all. I know most women have a tendency to think they're doing something wrong when it comes to finding that special someone. I'm not. I'm living my life...I'm open to new things...I'm doing what I've always done....and that has never seemed to be a problem before....although, I'll never forget this one saying that I learned at leadership camp in high school, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". Nice......if you don't like change. But then - who does?
Over the years - I've definitely become less afraid of life and the changes that can occur within moments.
Yesterday was September 11th. A lot of people have forgotten. I haven't. I still remember exactly what I was doing that morning and where I was and how afraid I felt. They surely assumed Philly would be a target since we were right between NYC and DC and - what better place to attack than where most of the major historical monuments are in the US? I watched 9/11 and United 93 yesterday - as well as MSNBC's replay of the actual events. It was definitely sad. It also made me realize....
I have never had anyone extremely close to me die. That, in and of itself, made me sad, concerned and worried. Also grateful.....Glad because I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone close to you...and that I haven't had to deal with it...but truly worried.....I don't know what I'd do if I did lose someone close to me.
Staying with that thought - what if something were to happen to me? How would people know? Would people find out? Few, if any, of my friends have the ability to contact my parents...sure they know them - but they don't actually know them. That's pretty scary.
Truth be told though...I am ok. I am healthy. I think people would find out - but it's still a fear. I've always thought you never really know who your real friends are until tragedy befalls you. It's a lesson I learned going through my eating disorder.....and one I always remind myself of.
And so what does the song have to do with the post?
Well, I think it's pretty clear but....."take these broken wings and learn to fly" I've been doing it all my life....and am going to keep doing it. Finding the light in the darkness is how we make it through. Finding the hope in the despair is what keeps us going. Hope, to me, is the basis for all things. As long as I have that, I should be ok.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I kind of am at a crossroads lately. I've been sad this week. No particular reason. Yes, there are some things that happened that would be cause for sadness - but really - those aren't the things that have been making me sad.
I think I'm sad for a lot of reasons - all of which should be spun positively - but really - I hesitate to tell people things because I fear I will make them sad. For some reason - any time I tell certain people I am sad - it's almost like they assume I've been sad for a long time. I'm not - and I won't be - but I certainly believe I am allowed to have moments - even if they last longer than an hour - or a day - or a week - to be sad.
Why would I be sad? I have a good job - I have good friends - I am relatively healthy and I have a wonderful family supporting me.....so what could possibly get me down.
Well...I was reading this website Post Secret, which is this site (who know's if you've heard of it) that allows people to anonymously post secrets that they want to say but know they can't....it's kind of cool, sad, and happy all at the same time. I read this one that a young woman, probably about my age, posted how she always tells her mother that she doesn't like or want kids because what she really means is that she thinks she won't ever find a guy to marry her and have all that happen. That....made me sad...because I, in fact, feel I can relate. Maybe not so much to the first part - because I do want kids and I want a bunch of them (possibly 4) - but definitely the latter.
I am extremely afraid of never finding someone. I know - I know. There are so many other women out there that think the same thing. I know I'm not alone. But here's the thing - I don't understand why I feel this way. I am a great catch! And I really do believe that. I am smart. I like to think I'm cute. I have a good personality. I love to laugh and make people laugh too. I am caring, kind, and have compassion. I am honest and loving and extremely thoughtful. I am VERY laid back and extremely low maintenance. I just don't get it.
Now, all this being said. I don't think it's me....at all. I know most women have a tendency to think they're doing something wrong when it comes to finding that special someone. I'm not. I'm living my life...I'm open to new things...I'm doing what I've always done....and that has never seemed to be a problem before....although, I'll never forget this one saying that I learned at leadership camp in high school, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten". Nice......if you don't like change. But then - who does?
Over the years - I've definitely become less afraid of life and the changes that can occur within moments.
Yesterday was September 11th. A lot of people have forgotten. I haven't. I still remember exactly what I was doing that morning and where I was and how afraid I felt. They surely assumed Philly would be a target since we were right between NYC and DC and - what better place to attack than where most of the major historical monuments are in the US? I watched 9/11 and United 93 yesterday - as well as MSNBC's replay of the actual events. It was definitely sad. It also made me realize....
I have never had anyone extremely close to me die. That, in and of itself, made me sad, concerned and worried. Also grateful.....Glad because I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone close to you...and that I haven't had to deal with it...but truly worried.....I don't know what I'd do if I did lose someone close to me.
Staying with that thought - what if something were to happen to me? How would people know? Would people find out? Few, if any, of my friends have the ability to contact my parents...sure they know them - but they don't actually know them. That's pretty scary.
Truth be told though...I am ok. I am healthy. I think people would find out - but it's still a fear. I've always thought you never really know who your real friends are until tragedy befalls you. It's a lesson I learned going through my eating disorder.....and one I always remind myself of.
And so what does the song have to do with the post?
Well, I think it's pretty clear but....."take these broken wings and learn to fly" I've been doing it all my life....and am going to keep doing it. Finding the light in the darkness is how we make it through. Finding the hope in the despair is what keeps us going. Hope, to me, is the basis for all things. As long as I have that, I should be ok.
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