The part in which I have a nervous breakdown....

I've been holding it together pretty well. At least, I think I have.

I'm extremely guilty of holding in my emotions WAY too much. This time is no exception.

The last few nights I've had a lot of different dreams. Last night I had a doozie of a dream. I've told y'all about them before and although I'm not going to divulge the details at this moment....let's just say this one kind of put me over the edge. I feel as though I need someone to help me wipe my subconscious from having dreams about this particular person. It does me no favors and actually upsets. A LOT.

Figured out who it is yet?

Aside from the stupidest dreams in the world....my life is completely topsy turvy right now. I feel like I'm going in a million different directions but am completely still.

I got an email from the director of Student Teaching yesterday telling me she received some paperwork for clearances at LM. LM has my clearances. Not only that, but I'm an employee there. The director of ST basically told me, "I hope you know how to handle this".....which, of course, sent me into an anxious spiral downward. For those that know my SINGLE issue that I have on my record...I can't imagine a school wouldn't let me student teach when I ALREADY WORK FOR THEM! I've been trying to calm myself and dispel the anxiety but it doesn't really seem to be working.

Along with that....I'm completely worried about my sister. It's kind of all my dad and I talk about these days. And he does ask me about me...but I feel like my life is kind of taking a back seat these days. Just in general...not because of anything else.

I can't focus. I can't make up a decision.

On top of which, I've been discussing some things with a few friends lately about guys. Yep. It wouldn't be a Katiefitz post without something about guys.

Truth be told...it has been SO long since I've been in a real relationship that even if a guy wanted to date me...I really wouldn't know what to do or how to be. Some people tell me that it'll be natural and you won't feel like you have to change too much. But is that really true? I find myself in situations where I am perfectly content with going home to myself. I find myself being attracted to guys who are completely unavailable because I am too and I know if I find someone as busy as me, then I won't have to feel badly that I'm not willing to make time for them......sounds terrible but it's where I'm at right now.

But then...how does that change? Because, you see, I do want all those things. I want a boyfriend...I want the eventual marriage...I want kids too. How do I make the transition from this life to a different one? Or have I gotten myself so engrained in the single life that I might never get out? It makes me anxious thinking about it.....

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”~Oprah Winfrey

So much for that....

Yeah...I couldn't do it....I didn't even make it two days....but I can start over! Which I am going to...today. Ha.

I really...ugh. I just needed a drink after this weekend. I really did.

Forget the fact that the Phillies lost - which is clearly a good reason to drink but after what I had to deal with....omg.

So I thought moving out of my mother's house meant that I wouldn't have to deal with the problems that are at home now....turns out they're just amplified by like a billion. And maybe this makes me sound like a terrible daughter/sister - but when the family issues that really have nothing to do with me start interfering with my social life, I start to get really annoyed.

This weekend, for example: Friday night I was out with my friend Habby - just hanging at a bar watching baseball. I get a phone call. From my dad. About my sister. And how she and my mother just had a huge fight. You wanna know what it was about?

Books. How Kelly has all these books still in storage. How my mom wants to get rid of the storage space. How Kelly needs to do something with her stuff. Bleh bleh bleh. But the kicker - why my dad called me - and then my sister promptly texted me - was twofold:

Dad: Kate, your sister is hysterical. I don't know what to do with her. I told her to bring her stuff to my house but she's not listening to me. Call her and calm her down. (keep in mind, I'm at the bar).

Text from Kel: Mom just had a hissy fit at me. I'm so miserable. I need to get out of this house.

Both of which I replied that she could come to stay with me. She ended up not coming out Friday night - but the invitation was still there Saturday.

A little backstory to this - LAST Friday - the same exact thing happened. Kelly got home from her therapy session and my mom instantly blew up on her. She, again, declined to come out and stay with me....so this was kind of building up.

Saturday morning rolls around and I call Kelly to see if she's okay...she said my mother has been ignoring her all morning and said probably two things to her. I told her - then ignore her back. She's only as strong as the power you give her. Kelly can't seem to do that - so she folded and another fight broke out.

Meanwhile - I was planning on going downtown to watch the Phillies on Saturday but then - of course - I get a hysterical phone call - it's my sister. She's beside herself. I tell her to come over and at first she hesitates but then decides shes going to. I then spend the rest of the afternoon - and all through the phillies - consoling her.

So you can imagine - not only did I not get to watch the first game....but even after having tickets to the second game (of which I thought would cheer her up)...they lost. Needless to say it was a frustrating weekend.

And some of you might be thinking...it's not your problem Katie...it's not. But listen....when you have someone you care about that is on the verge of possibly hurting themselves and knowing you didn't do anything in the past to help another person who was just as depressed...of which resulted in not one but two losses of life...you kind of drop everything to help them. Especially if it's your sister.

I'm really worried about her. Her physical health is terrible. Her mental health is....not that much better. She's started seeing a therapist but I'm very worried that she's formulating the wrong ideas in her head. It's her life and I know she can make it through...I just don't want her to take the easy way out - especially when I know she's been hinting at it. She is SO emotional and fragile. I honestly don't remember being this way when I was depressed. I feel as though I'm not helping enough or doing enough. I worry that if I don't contact her every day - something could go wrong and I'll blame myself.

Yes, I realize I need to keep living my life and yes I realize it really isn't my problem...but you tell me...if your sister/brother or a best friend were THIS depressed....and they reached out for help....wouldn't you do anything you could to help them?

I'm gonna try something....

and it might sound a bit crazy...because as soon as you all read this you'll be like...what!!!!????

For 1 month - I'm not going to drink any kind of alcohol.

Yes, I know the playoffs start today. Yes, I know there's a lot of stuff going on in October that would suggest having a beer or two.....and I even went and bought some wine the other night.

Ok, maybe I'll just drink wine. At home. On occasion. But honestly - I workout so hard that drinking kind of just negates everything I do and it's starting to piss me off.

For example, yesterday I ran 13.5 miles. I had 5 beers last night. There goes that calorie burn. Seriously. Now don't get me wrong, I don't run for the calorie burn - that's just a bonus. But honestly - I am not doing myself any favors by drinking.

It's just a thought. I'm gonna see how far I get this month without drinking....