The United States of Katie

state

 [steyt]: noun, adjective, verb, stat·ed, stat·ing.

noun 1. the condition of a person or thing, as with respect to circumstances or attributes


For the record - we all know that this blog is evident of the various states I find myself in from time to time.  Currently, however, I find that I am an amalgam of said states at this very moment.  The most prominent?  Anxiety. 

While each emotional state I currently embody is not necessarily divvied into small neat little pieces or can even be given a certain percentage, I can safely say today is one of those days where EVERYTHING has decided to sweep in and leave me with a completely unexplainable emotional state.

Where to begin.....

If you've been following my blog you know that a lot of changes have been happening in my life.....boyfriend/loss of boyfriend/job searching/frustration from lack of job finding/money anxiety/emotional anxiety about money/family worries etc.  The list could go on and on.  

Similarly - If you follow me on facebook, you know that I post positive quotes every day.  So when I tell people about said anxieties from the previous paragraph, I get a lot of "but that doesn't sound like you, you're always so positive!".  Well, sure - but it's facebook.  Not everyone needs to know the concerns I have in my life.  And yes - I am aware that I am VERY guilty of airing my dirty laundry in my facebook statuses in the past (even one quite recently)...and I get plenty of judgement for it from a variety of people....but I digress.  The reason I put those quotes up is actually to try and help me - more than it helps others - although I've been told by many of my friends that they appreciate the positive quotes.  That's great.  But really, I do it for me.  It's hard to stay positive sometimes.  Which I know many people find weird to hear from me since I tend to give off a very positive vibe...but the frustration mounts when other things in my life aren't going the way I want them to.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it - I go after what I want in life.  For the most part, I tend to get it because I work hard for it and I rarely give up.  I've had to learn that sometimes I can not always get what I want but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop working for it or try to figure out a way to be happy with what I CAN have.  All that being said - lately - I have had to step back and realize that this might be a moment where despite the hard work I'm putting in to getting what I truly want out of life, sometimes there is nothing I can do but just BE.  

So where am I going with this?  The United States of Katie......

Currently I am in a state of happiness, sadness, chaos, calm, control, confusion, comfort, and worry.  Like our very own geographical union of 50, there are plenty more emotional states I am currently feeling and experiencing.  I don't know that any of them are conscious or that I'm completely aware of everything just yet but what I hope for is to find a state where I am OKAY.  

I am not all that religious by any stretch of the imagination - but I do pray and I am spiritual - one of my favorite portions of the bible is from Matthew 6:25-34  and although it generally helps to remind me of the more important things in life....I have found myself being drawn more to this particular phrase/poem/mantra:

From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir
I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it – I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.