My friend Heather - with whom I've become extremely close with in the last year - is a Special Education Teacher at LM. She's fabulous, funny, beautiful and above all SMART. She recently decided to go after a dream of hers - writing a book that represents or shows what an Autistic/Asperger student/person might experience when they encounter other people. The book is called "I Feel".
First of all, it's a great book. The concept is wonderful. It's incredibly difficult for many Autistic students to relate how they feel about things - asperger students, not as much since the majority of people who have this tend to blurt things out bluntly without concern for any kind of personal reaction to what they see as factual. If you need a basis for what an asperger person is like - watch Parenthood on NBC, the boy Max is the best example. But I digress.....
Like I said, the book is awesome. But it got me thinking....how difficult is it for just regular people to emote? I know MANY people who have no semblance of Autism and still can not, for the life of them, express their emotions. I write this on the cusp of my own personal experience of an OVERFLOW of emotions - more like an overwhelming state of emotions.
I often forget that many people can not express their emotions as easily as I seem to. If you know me - and most people who read this blog typically know me well since a lot of people don't read it - you know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's a trait I am some times embarrassed by and other times very proud of. I've often been told and relayed to others, how you feel is never wrong. It's your OWN emotions so anyone that tells you it's not okay to feel a certain way is usually saying so because they don't understand how you're feeling.
Lately, I feel sad. I've withdrawn a little from the world at large because no one wants to hear that I'm sad. I've struggled with telling people because many know me as a happy-go-lucky person who always has a smile on her face (no joke, I once received an award in high school where the teacher who gave it to me told the audience that I always had a smile on my face). And while this is relatively true to the outside world - since there are a lot of recurring frustrations in my life - I can't seem to shake this sadness.
Filling my time up with stuff to do is generally the best way to not think about it - but then I get home at night and it all comes flowing back in. I've even started doing yoga - which REALLY does help and I love it - but after class it all comes back to me and I am back to where I started from.
Now look, I'm not writing all this to get any kind of "oh, poor katie" reaction. I'm writing it because I can finally put it into words how I'm feeling. I know things could be a lot worse - they can always be worse. And I'm not saying my issues are the be-all, end-all of life. I am, for the most part, an optimist and a realist. Things will get better. They have to, right? I have a lot of fun things planned for the next however many weekends - and I have great friends who support me and check-in on me every day. What I'd really like is to finally find a job and for my foot to heal. I think once those two things - or even if just my foot would heal - happen, I'll be a different person.
If anything I am definitely learning patience. I suppose for that I should feel thankful that it's just tendinitis. I should feel grateful to God for giving me an opportunity to teach at Montco. I AM grateful for that above all. I love to teach! I just wish it was on a larger scale.....I suppose, all in good time. (I'm getting off topic)
I feel.......a little better getting this out......
How're you feeling?
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