I feel....

My friend Heather - with whom I've become extremely close with in the last year - is a Special Education Teacher at LM.  She's fabulous, funny, beautiful and above all SMART.  She recently decided to go after a dream of hers - writing a book that represents or shows what an Autistic/Asperger student/person might experience when they encounter other people.  The book is called "I Feel".

First of all, it's a great book.  The concept is wonderful.  It's incredibly difficult for many Autistic students to relate how they feel about things - asperger students, not as much since the majority of people who have this tend to blurt things out bluntly without concern for any kind of personal reaction to what they see as factual.  If you need a basis for what an asperger person is like - watch Parenthood on NBC, the boy Max is the best example.  But I digress.....

Like I said, the book is awesome.  But it got me thinking....how difficult is it for just regular people to emote?  I know MANY people who have no semblance of Autism and still can not, for the life of them, express their emotions.  I write this on the cusp of my own personal experience of an OVERFLOW of emotions - more like an overwhelming state of emotions. 

I often forget that many people can not express their emotions as easily as I seem to.  If you know me - and most people who read this blog typically know me well since a lot of people don't read it - you know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  It's a trait I am some times embarrassed by and other times very proud of.  I've often been told and relayed to others, how you feel is never wrong.  It's your OWN emotions so anyone that tells you it's not okay to feel a certain way is usually saying so because they don't understand how you're feeling. 

Lately, I feel sad.  I've withdrawn a little from the world at large because no one wants to hear that I'm sad.  I've struggled with telling people because many know me as a happy-go-lucky person who always has a smile on her face (no joke, I once received an award in high school where the teacher who gave it to me told the audience that I always had a smile on my face).  And while this is relatively true to the outside world - since there are a lot of recurring frustrations in my life - I can't seem to shake this sadness. 

Filling my time up with stuff to do is generally the best way to not think about it - but then I get home at night and it all comes flowing back in.  I've even started doing yoga - which REALLY does help and I love it - but after class it all comes back to me and I am back to where I started from.

Now look, I'm not writing all this to get any kind of "oh, poor katie" reaction.  I'm writing it because I can finally put it into words how I'm feeling.  I know things could be a lot worse - they can always be worse.  And I'm not saying my issues are the be-all, end-all of life.  I am, for the most part, an optimist and a realist.  Things will get better.  They have to, right?  I have a lot of fun things planned for the next however many weekends - and I have great friends who support me and check-in on me every day.  What I'd really like is to finally find a job and for my foot to heal.  I think once those two things - or even if just my foot would heal - happen, I'll be a different person.

If anything I am definitely learning patience.  I suppose for that I should feel thankful that it's just tendinitis.  I should feel grateful to God for giving me an opportunity to teach at Montco.  I AM grateful for that above all.  I love to teach!  I just wish it was on a larger scale.....I suppose, all in good time.  (I'm getting off topic)

I feel.......a little better getting this out......

How're you feeling?

The United States of Katie

state

 [steyt]: noun, adjective, verb, stat·ed, stat·ing.

noun 1. the condition of a person or thing, as with respect to circumstances or attributes


For the record - we all know that this blog is evident of the various states I find myself in from time to time.  Currently, however, I find that I am an amalgam of said states at this very moment.  The most prominent?  Anxiety. 

While each emotional state I currently embody is not necessarily divvied into small neat little pieces or can even be given a certain percentage, I can safely say today is one of those days where EVERYTHING has decided to sweep in and leave me with a completely unexplainable emotional state.

Where to begin.....

If you've been following my blog you know that a lot of changes have been happening in my life.....boyfriend/loss of boyfriend/job searching/frustration from lack of job finding/money anxiety/emotional anxiety about money/family worries etc.  The list could go on and on.  

Similarly - If you follow me on facebook, you know that I post positive quotes every day.  So when I tell people about said anxieties from the previous paragraph, I get a lot of "but that doesn't sound like you, you're always so positive!".  Well, sure - but it's facebook.  Not everyone needs to know the concerns I have in my life.  And yes - I am aware that I am VERY guilty of airing my dirty laundry in my facebook statuses in the past (even one quite recently)...and I get plenty of judgement for it from a variety of people....but I digress.  The reason I put those quotes up is actually to try and help me - more than it helps others - although I've been told by many of my friends that they appreciate the positive quotes.  That's great.  But really, I do it for me.  It's hard to stay positive sometimes.  Which I know many people find weird to hear from me since I tend to give off a very positive vibe...but the frustration mounts when other things in my life aren't going the way I want them to.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it - I go after what I want in life.  For the most part, I tend to get it because I work hard for it and I rarely give up.  I've had to learn that sometimes I can not always get what I want but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop working for it or try to figure out a way to be happy with what I CAN have.  All that being said - lately - I have had to step back and realize that this might be a moment where despite the hard work I'm putting in to getting what I truly want out of life, sometimes there is nothing I can do but just BE.  

So where am I going with this?  The United States of Katie......

Currently I am in a state of happiness, sadness, chaos, calm, control, confusion, comfort, and worry.  Like our very own geographical union of 50, there are plenty more emotional states I am currently feeling and experiencing.  I don't know that any of them are conscious or that I'm completely aware of everything just yet but what I hope for is to find a state where I am OKAY.  

I am not all that religious by any stretch of the imagination - but I do pray and I am spiritual - one of my favorite portions of the bible is from Matthew 6:25-34  and although it generally helps to remind me of the more important things in life....I have found myself being drawn more to this particular phrase/poem/mantra:

From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir
I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it – I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.

 

A JOKE

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow..."

"Interrupting cow......" "MOOOOOO"



Ok, okay...so it's better to tell that joke in person.  But it's undoubtedly my favorite joke.  It's my 'go-to' joke.  Don't judge me.

Lately, I've felt like the above joke.  When you first start to hear the joke, you think it's going to be like any other knock knock joke you've heard before.....and then as you get farther into the joke it's abruptly different than what it appears to be on the surface......just like me.

I went out with some friends last night....and I do have to stop for a moment and explain how unbelievably grateful I am to have such amazing friends.  Especially ones that have been putting up with me for this long with the whole ex-boyfriend situation.  I don't know what I've done to deserve such awesome people in my life but I am very humbled by their timing and kind words they always have for me.  It really does make a girl/woman feel special......but I digress.....

Despite not having his phone number in my phone, I managed to text my ex-boyfriend.  Why?  I don't even know.  I didn't have anything to say to him....and when he responded (of which I was surprised) I simply wanted to know where he was.  I did proceed to ask him where he was - for whatever reason.  I didn't want to see him (although thinking about it now, I probably unconsciously wanted to).  He did text me back...and I should've let it be....but I'm an idiot.  Or at least, that's how I started to feel.

Here is this guy who broke up with me....basically acts like it's no big deal that we were ever together....doesn't really seem to care about me at all...and somehow, I am still pining away for him.  WHAT THE EF IS WRONG WITH ME!?  WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?  He doesn't care...and if he does, he certainly is showing it in a weird way.  And honestly, I'm letting it happen.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I think I deserve this kind of treatment?  If it were any of my other friends I'd tell them they need to purge their system of this guy.  They need to get him out of their life.  They'll be better off without him.

I need to just purge him from my life so as not to be the JOKE anymore.