Doctors, Lunches, and Cemetery's

In no particular order.

Those all relate to each other because I've been to or done all those things in the last week and a half.

Last Monday I got an email from my sister asking me to meet her at the doctor's that afternoon. Her physical health, while it could be better, is fine...it's her emotional health. Without getting into too much detail - things have since subsided but are still pretty prevalent. Let's just say she's working on it and to be honest this is 20 years in the making. She's needed to do this a long time ago. While I am worried about her I know this is something she has to do on her own. I'm just glad she's taking the right steps. I plan on helping her in any way I can and with whatever she needs.

This Monday (two days ago) would've been Rachel's 33rd Birthday. I visited her at the cemetery. It was the first time in over a year I've been to her grave. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't go a lot but other times I know she's always with me. It might be weird to hear someone say it outloud but I truly believe that she's looking over me and keeping me in check. In the moments I find myself struggling, there is usually a sense of calm that comes over me. I believe it's her. I miss her a lot. I can't believe it's been 2 years since she left us. Still weird.

I went to lunch with a professor on Monday (before the cemetery) and it was a really refreshing situation. He's definitely someone to keep in touch with - he has a lot of contacts in the Education community and I think a good friend. He's a licensed psychologist - which is maybe why I feel so balanced now :-) haha. But truly a good guy. I'm also going to lunch with another (different) professor tomorrow. It'll be good to see him too. Another good person to keep in touch with - he also has some good contacts in the education field. I'm hoping he has a few leads for me as far as ways to make some extra income.

Elsewhere - some good changes coming around the bend.....I can't wait to tell y'all all about it! I just don't want to jinx it so I'll be telling everyone soon :-)

The Future is Now....

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” ~Some random guy that I'm not sure who he is but his words are OH SO TRUE!

I saw this quote and it had to be mine....at least for today. It's my current FB status too. Ahh, how much do y'all love my etheral quotes? haha. I do actually get a lot of comments from friends on them - randomly albeit but ones that say, "I love your quotes"....esp from people who I never see all the time. So I got that goin' for me. Ha!

I, as I always do, have been thinking about the future. Why? What's the point? All I can do is work with the here and now. The future is so far away and yet it's now. Today is a day (and the month in general) that a few months ago I was thinking, "what am I going to do with myself in August?" Turns out, I don't know how to slow down. Actually, it turns out when I'm not busy, I don't do stuff! I'm a much better worker when I've got a lot of pots on the stove. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I feel like I'm all out of wack because I have SO much free time and when I have things I have to do, I just avoid doing them. Is that the downward spiral to becoming unmotivated? I certainly hope not. I also find myself not as happy when I'm not busy. I really enjoy being busy - as weird as that sounds. I enjoy knowing I have something "next" to go to or to do in a day. Yesterday was one of those days where I had all my "stuff" done by 2PM. What did I do the rest of the day? Oh, I sat on the couch and watched TV. I could've been doing a million other things...but no, I sat. On my couch (Very comfy). Watched anything and everything I could do avoid doing simple things. Today, Wedneday, and Thursday will not be like this....Friday I have one thing to do and it isn't until 3PM. I've been trying to sleep in because for some reason I am having issues sleeping again - maybe that'll be Friday's goal - to sleep til 2 :-) haha.

So what does the quote have to do with the post? In my free time I find myself thinking about the up-coming year. Worrying - which is hardly helpful since worry gets you nowhere and yet I am a master sensi at it. Id like to think that everything I've been doing up until this point (over the last two and a half years) will be the things that "make it happen" for my future....it's only normal to have some sense of skepticism, right? Like I shouldn't push forward with blind optimism because if I'm atleast realistic about all of it, then I won't be 100% disappointed if it doesn't happen......right? I feel like in my life the more realistic I am about things, the easier it is to soften the blow when or if the expected doesn't happen.

I often think back to a time before I used to think this way.....when? Ha. I was in high school...and my first year of college really. It wasn't until my Sophomore year that I got to be so anxious. I guess that's one thing I'll always have from my ED. Anxiety and worry. It's gotten a LOT better since then - I mean, it has been 10 years since I began the program and 9 since I finished it....so I think I'm doing pretty okay all things considered.

That being said...I still take each day at a time and try to refocus my energies on the here and now. Because as we all know, you could be here one minute and gone the next....

Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes....

well, he eats you.

It's been one of those weeks. There's been a lot going on and a whole lot more to come for the rest of August and I certainly hope things pick up.

I had some great evenings with friends this week - but all in all with the way things are at home right now let's just say I'm OVER it.

I'm over having to come home to misery-guts people all the time. With the exception of Bruce (my stepdad) - who happens to be on vacation this week - I am surrounded by a mother and sister who are miserable in their lives. I AM NOT MISERABLE! But it's getting unbearable to take. It's all I can do to stay out of the house. It's funny - when they're not home, all I want to do is sit by myself and watch some TV in peace and quiet and when they're home, I try my best to find myself something to do.

I'll spare y'all the details of the latest things to unfold but let's just say I am even MORE motivated to move out of this house now.

Some of the reasons why it'd be awesome to move out? aside from the obvious?
-No more watching 'Say Yes to the Dress' or being told , "oh kate you'd look so cute in that." or "i could see you wearing that".
-No more watching House Hunters and hearing, "I could see you living in a place like that."
-No more, "who's this guy and when do I get to meet him" (not that we've heard that lately haha! but it happens).
-No more, "who're you going out with? When will you be home? What's your schedule like today?"

That last one really bothers me mainly because for the first year when I moved home I made up a schedule so my family would know where I was and what I was doing. I put that thing up EVERY MONTH for a year and every day I still got questioned, "Where are you going?" or "What are you doing today?" IT'S ON THE FREAKIN SCHEDULE PEOPLE! So I stopped making it. They weren't reading it - why should I make it?

More reasons:
-No more drama ALL THE EFFING TIME
-Less gas spent on my car
-More free time to myself! (because if I'm on my own I'll want to be home more so I'll def change my sched - and in turn I'll spend more time with my friends!)
-I can have people over whenever I want without feeling embarrassed by my mother.
-The quiet. Believe it or not, I actually really enjoy sitting in silence with a good book. I usually end up falling asleep but still - it's nice to just enjoy the quiet every once in a while.

As I said before - this week has been a helluva week. I wasn't sad or unhappy - a bit emotional - weirdly enough I started out pretty cranky/grumpy - then went to sad and tired - then really happy - and now I'm just kind of glad a new week begins tomorrow.

I think some of the sadness is because I've neglected some of my friends and I'm worried their be mad at me. I guess if I haven't heard from them they're probably busy too? I know I'm not always the best at keeping in touch with people - I wouldn't blame my friends if they just gave up on me. I can say that even though I've been finished with Mermaid for two weeks, I feel like I'm finally getting things back to normal now......two weeks later.....

Here's hoping next week is better!
Hope everyone is doing great :-)