So I had the most AMAZING run today - I wanted to keep running but I figured not to overdo it all at once. I'll get up to the length of miles I need to run. Today was 8.5! Sunday was 7 - and I think the next time I run will be Saturday so I'll probably run 10 miles:-) and then do the same progression the following week.
Right now - I'm watching Sex and The City Movie. The scene where Big doesn't show up for the wedding just happened. I couldn't watch. I just. I know that feeling of not being able to breathe - of not knowing what I was going to do because the only person that I could see myself with - decided that wasn't going to happen.
For a while I've been trying to tell myself that I will be ok. I will find someone - no matter how much I don't believe it all the time.
I want to believe it - I really do - and I hope that its ok - I really hope I do find someone. I'm just - I worry about it a lot. I kind of want to really find someone - now. But I know I can't just rush into things. I know I don't want to settle for someone just because they're here right now. GAHHHHHH!
I need to freakin' chill the EF out!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Versions of My Former Self
I came across this on Sunday - and I reread it this morning. I have to say - I don't know if I necessarily agree with this all now - I started making it when I was 22 I believe (I'm pretty sure it was my first year of grad school. Looks like I need to add on to some more because it only goes up to last year....maybe for next post.
Let me know what you think....
Katie Version 1.0 = Age 0 to Age 16 - at this point in my life, i was still trying to figure out who I was...and even at 16 I didnt know, but once I got my license...everything changed
Katie Version 1.5 = Age 16 - Age 17 - my license opened my dull life of sitting home on the couch and complaining to having no friends...to a junior year of high school that allowed me to go to concerts almost three times a month down in philly and drive to places without the necessary parental drop-offs. Although there were some drawbacks such as a friend or two that used me, it was a slight change...plus, I finally had a series of boyfriends and some drama in my life, like a normal teenager
Katie Version 2.0 = Age 17 - Age 18 and one month - this basically encompassed my senior year of high school and was a major MAJOR change for me and my life. By the end of the year, I had my first serious boyfriend and was in love - weird, I know...but I had nothing but hopes and dreams to look forward to...until about August of this year and then my life went down the shitter...with the exception of going to Albright College at the end of the month....which leads me to my next version
Katie Version 3.0 = Age 18 - Age 19 - freshman and part of sophomore year of college....one of the best times of my life. I was single, young, and enjoying living with the BESTEST roommate ever! I redid the whole junior year drama shit and found that it was just not for me...too many guys..too many of them involved in the same things....(must remember to not date guys in the same frat and guys on the same swim team) - needless to say..by the end of the year, I was in love again but still the same happy-go-lucky katie that started the year off.
Katie Version 4.0 = Age 19 - Age 21 - this should probably be an entirely different version with an asterisk next to it because this was probably the time when I completely did a 180 - like going from a Mac to a PC and not knowing that you don't have to hold down the mouse button anymore to get to see the menu. This was the time of my self-destruction, depression, eating disorder, and all other crap that could go wrong, did. I transferred schools, found other avenues of depression and even found myself crying for no reason. It wasn't until the end of that that I was really changing. All while I had a boyfriend - amazingly we stayed together for that time. But even by my 21st Bday, although I was recovering, I still had those bad thoughts.
Katie Version 5.0 = Age 21 - Age 21 and 3/4 - my last year at LaSalle was by far the best. I was still in a relationship and was looking forward to an unknown future
Katie Version 5.5 = Age 21 and 3/4 - Age 22 and two months - My boyfriend and I broke up and I revisited the drama of my freshman year at Albright and Junior year at PW. I just pretty much went wild and had so much fun meeting new people. The people I met and hung out with during this time of my life are still my friends to this day. It was definitely worthwhile and I miss those days of two classes and beerpong/drinking at night...whew...what fun!!!
Katie Version 6.0 = Age 22 and two months - Age 23 - My first year at Central. The third college in six years. Grad school was something new and in a completely different place..it was unexpected....Michigan was nothing I had ever experienced before. And although I really liked it, it was different and the Katie that people met that year, was definitely a different girl. I was still trying to figure out who I was and getting over the breakup with my boyfriend. Getting used to being independent again and remembering what it was like to stand on my own two feet. A transitional year no doubt. Kind of like the year that people figured out which video game system they wanted - XboX or PS2....
Katie Version 7.0 = Age 23 - Age 23 and a half - My second year at Central and it has been nothing but a BLAST! Like Ryan said, this was the year of Katie Fitz...and it certainly has been. While there are no boyfriends to report of, some flings but none that lasted, I accomplished more in the fact that I have encountered so many people who have become the kind of friends I know I will have for a lifetime. I've done really well in school this semester and my attitude and even outlook on life has changed. I am more of who I used to be when I was a senior in high school, see Version 2.0, and remembering that I am gonna be okay. While there are still so many doubts and worries in my mind about what my future holds, I know that my friends and family will hold me up. If it weren't for them, I'd definitely be slipping back into Version 4.0 - and that certainly doesn't need to be revisited.
Katie Version 7.5 = Age 23 and a half to Age 24 - Last half of my second year at Central. I have to say - it definitely gave me a run for my money. Way too many things happened that I never want to revisit but I also ended up with a great person to call my best friend - despite our ups and downs. I met a lot of amazing people - and hell - I even graduated on time with a masters in hand. I got a job before school ended and I had a good summer. I got to see my mom a lot. Moved into a new apartment and living on my own.
Katie Version 8.0 = Age 24 to 24 1/2 - I am not all that happy with some of the choices Ive made. The only thing that is keeping me happy are the new people Ive met and my friends with their never ending support. I really couldn't do it without them. The highlights between the work weeks are the weekends where I find myself laughing more and enjoying the free time. I really miss my family - my sister. Some of my friends that I thought I had are no longer in the picture....and thats hard to swallow - no matter what way you look at it. I've kind of crept back into a hole of sorts when it comes to guys. I am no longer as upfront. My shyness is back - which is pretty evident when I'm in certain situations. But - I am hoping things will get better. I am happy to be living on my own though and doing my own thing.
Katie Version 8.2 = Age 24 1/2 to 24 and 8 months - In between the retardedness that was happening in my life (between the boys and men) I realized that I needed to do something for myself. I took control of a bad situation and took advantage of what was in front of me. At this point in my life I packed in what was a bad work/social/emotional environment for me and moved back home to face whatever would come my way. I literally felt like my whole life was ahead of me and I was leaving all the bad behind.
Katie Version 8.5 = same age as above - The one month that I was home, I pretty much got extremely depressed and gained a bunch of weight. This katie was not the katie that people know. This katie was completely different than any other katie and any other version. It is best not to delve too much into this katie as we do not need to remember this that much for we do not want to revisit this katie.
Katie Version 9.0 = Age 25 to Present (nearly 26) - in the last year, this Katie has changed in immeasurable ways. Things are starting to bother her less and she is starting to focus more on herself. She has left the past in the past and is even moving on from the person she used to hold on to....only allowing those positive qualities re-enter into her life and keeping the negative ones at bay. This katie is most likely the one to be held onto for quite some time. Its a very good thing :-)
Let me know what you think....
Katie Version 1.0 = Age 0 to Age 16 - at this point in my life, i was still trying to figure out who I was...and even at 16 I didnt know, but once I got my license...everything changed
Katie Version 1.5 = Age 16 - Age 17 - my license opened my dull life of sitting home on the couch and complaining to having no friends...to a junior year of high school that allowed me to go to concerts almost three times a month down in philly and drive to places without the necessary parental drop-offs. Although there were some drawbacks such as a friend or two that used me, it was a slight change...plus, I finally had a series of boyfriends and some drama in my life, like a normal teenager
Katie Version 2.0 = Age 17 - Age 18 and one month - this basically encompassed my senior year of high school and was a major MAJOR change for me and my life. By the end of the year, I had my first serious boyfriend and was in love - weird, I know...but I had nothing but hopes and dreams to look forward to...until about August of this year and then my life went down the shitter...with the exception of going to Albright College at the end of the month....which leads me to my next version
Katie Version 3.0 = Age 18 - Age 19 - freshman and part of sophomore year of college....one of the best times of my life. I was single, young, and enjoying living with the BESTEST roommate ever! I redid the whole junior year drama shit and found that it was just not for me...too many guys..too many of them involved in the same things....(must remember to not date guys in the same frat and guys on the same swim team) - needless to say..by the end of the year, I was in love again but still the same happy-go-lucky katie that started the year off.
Katie Version 4.0 = Age 19 - Age 21 - this should probably be an entirely different version with an asterisk next to it because this was probably the time when I completely did a 180 - like going from a Mac to a PC and not knowing that you don't have to hold down the mouse button anymore to get to see the menu. This was the time of my self-destruction, depression, eating disorder, and all other crap that could go wrong, did. I transferred schools, found other avenues of depression and even found myself crying for no reason. It wasn't until the end of that that I was really changing. All while I had a boyfriend - amazingly we stayed together for that time. But even by my 21st Bday, although I was recovering, I still had those bad thoughts.
Katie Version 5.0 = Age 21 - Age 21 and 3/4 - my last year at LaSalle was by far the best. I was still in a relationship and was looking forward to an unknown future
Katie Version 5.5 = Age 21 and 3/4 - Age 22 and two months - My boyfriend and I broke up and I revisited the drama of my freshman year at Albright and Junior year at PW. I just pretty much went wild and had so much fun meeting new people. The people I met and hung out with during this time of my life are still my friends to this day. It was definitely worthwhile and I miss those days of two classes and beerpong/drinking at night...whew...what fun!!!
Katie Version 6.0 = Age 22 and two months - Age 23 - My first year at Central. The third college in six years. Grad school was something new and in a completely different place..it was unexpected....Michigan was nothing I had ever experienced before. And although I really liked it, it was different and the Katie that people met that year, was definitely a different girl. I was still trying to figure out who I was and getting over the breakup with my boyfriend. Getting used to being independent again and remembering what it was like to stand on my own two feet. A transitional year no doubt. Kind of like the year that people figured out which video game system they wanted - XboX or PS2....
Katie Version 7.0 = Age 23 - Age 23 and a half - My second year at Central and it has been nothing but a BLAST! Like Ryan said, this was the year of Katie Fitz...and it certainly has been. While there are no boyfriends to report of, some flings but none that lasted, I accomplished more in the fact that I have encountered so many people who have become the kind of friends I know I will have for a lifetime. I've done really well in school this semester and my attitude and even outlook on life has changed. I am more of who I used to be when I was a senior in high school, see Version 2.0, and remembering that I am gonna be okay. While there are still so many doubts and worries in my mind about what my future holds, I know that my friends and family will hold me up. If it weren't for them, I'd definitely be slipping back into Version 4.0 - and that certainly doesn't need to be revisited.
Katie Version 7.5 = Age 23 and a half to Age 24 - Last half of my second year at Central. I have to say - it definitely gave me a run for my money. Way too many things happened that I never want to revisit but I also ended up with a great person to call my best friend - despite our ups and downs. I met a lot of amazing people - and hell - I even graduated on time with a masters in hand. I got a job before school ended and I had a good summer. I got to see my mom a lot. Moved into a new apartment and living on my own.
Katie Version 8.0 = Age 24 to 24 1/2 - I am not all that happy with some of the choices Ive made. The only thing that is keeping me happy are the new people Ive met and my friends with their never ending support. I really couldn't do it without them. The highlights between the work weeks are the weekends where I find myself laughing more and enjoying the free time. I really miss my family - my sister. Some of my friends that I thought I had are no longer in the picture....and thats hard to swallow - no matter what way you look at it. I've kind of crept back into a hole of sorts when it comes to guys. I am no longer as upfront. My shyness is back - which is pretty evident when I'm in certain situations. But - I am hoping things will get better. I am happy to be living on my own though and doing my own thing.
Katie Version 8.2 = Age 24 1/2 to 24 and 8 months - In between the retardedness that was happening in my life (between the boys and men) I realized that I needed to do something for myself. I took control of a bad situation and took advantage of what was in front of me. At this point in my life I packed in what was a bad work/social/emotional environment for me and moved back home to face whatever would come my way. I literally felt like my whole life was ahead of me and I was leaving all the bad behind.
Katie Version 8.5 = same age as above - The one month that I was home, I pretty much got extremely depressed and gained a bunch of weight. This katie was not the katie that people know. This katie was completely different than any other katie and any other version. It is best not to delve too much into this katie as we do not need to remember this that much for we do not want to revisit this katie.
Katie Version 9.0 = Age 25 to Present (nearly 26) - in the last year, this Katie has changed in immeasurable ways. Things are starting to bother her less and she is starting to focus more on herself. She has left the past in the past and is even moving on from the person she used to hold on to....only allowing those positive qualities re-enter into her life and keeping the negative ones at bay. This katie is most likely the one to be held onto for quite some time. Its a very good thing :-)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I was Sitting, Waiting, Wishing......
you believed in superstitions,
then maybe you'd see the signs.
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
.....Jack Johnson. Gotta love him. Now I realize this song has a particular (singular) person in mind....but lately - I've been trying to understand why I must always be waiting - "waiting on love". Granted - I haven't really put myself out there in the last few years - mainly because I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it again. That being said - someone reading this who doesn't really know my past would probably think, "gee, what's wrong with her? What happened that made it so hard for her to trust herself to fall for someone else?" Yeah - well - I won't get into exactly who it was - but honestly - pinning it on someone else is a lame excuse - I prefer to say that it was me - because really - it was.
I was the one that wouldn't let others in. I was the one that couldn't see beyond what I had in front of me. I was the one that (in some odd way) still had hopes that things would change. I was also the one that believed that it would just...happen. You know? Like how they say it happens - when you're not looking for it?
I'm venturing into a new world for myself. I'm actually accepting dates with guys and going out with them. I know - amazing - not. I realize this is a normal thing for other girls - but as I was talking with my best friend yesterday - I think I'm just so into my own schedule (and I actually LIKE it) that I have a hard time giving it up for someone who I don't even know is worthy of my time - does that make sense? Like - I'm pretty much at the point in my life where I know what I want - what I want from a guy and what I want for myself with them. Some may see that as picky but I think it's just something I deserve.
Everyone has their "sob stories" so to speak - "I've had a hard life....I went through so much to get to this point....I can't believe I made it to where I am now" bleh bleh. And I don't mean to dismiss them in any way - but really the obstacles we overcome to get to the places we're at in life right now - make us who we are - and I truly believe they help us figure out more of who we are than anything or anyone else could. Yes - a guy broke my heart - but it was the way I overcame that and the way I decided I was going to live my life from that point forward. I have no one to "blame" or "applaud" but myself. I think people forget to applaud for themselves too often.
Example: A friend of mine is looking to change the direction of his life....and he doesn't know how to do it. Flat out. He said, " I just don't know how to start it - can you tell me?" I remember feeling like that. Feeling like I didn't know what to do or where to go. Not just with the direction of my life but moreso with how I was supposed to start seeing guys again. It's all one in the same really. The best way I can put it - and excuse me for stealing their motto but "JUST DO IT". Now is the time - just start and go. GO.
Too often I found myself just sitting and waiting and wishing that something/someone would just come along. Yes - I won't say it NEVER happens. I know it does - but the majority of the time - it doesn't. In the last few years I've realized if I want something/someone - I've just got to go after it and get it. No one will hand it to me - no one will be like "Katie, here's a platter of all the delicious choices of men you have to choose from - if you take platter A you'll get a tall dark and handsome man....or if you choose platter B you'll get a blonde surfer type guy who has the body but no brains". It just doesn't happen (wouldn't that be nice though!).
So I guess in a way I follow up my last post with this one in the same mentality that I just have to "suck it up".
It's scary though. I'm not gonna lie. I'm at the point where I'm contantly reminding myself that just because a guy likes me doesn't mean I have to like him back. Of course guys will like me - I'm awesome:-) I can't lose sight of who I am - I made that mistake once....never again. I refuse to tell myself that my interests are not as important has his - nor will I stop being the sports loving girl that I am. It's exciting too - it's nice to feel liked. It's been awhile since someone - outside of friendship - has genuinely been interested in me.
One day at a time. One day at a time.
then maybe you'd see the signs.
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
.....Jack Johnson. Gotta love him. Now I realize this song has a particular (singular) person in mind....but lately - I've been trying to understand why I must always be waiting - "waiting on love". Granted - I haven't really put myself out there in the last few years - mainly because I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for it again. That being said - someone reading this who doesn't really know my past would probably think, "gee, what's wrong with her? What happened that made it so hard for her to trust herself to fall for someone else?" Yeah - well - I won't get into exactly who it was - but honestly - pinning it on someone else is a lame excuse - I prefer to say that it was me - because really - it was.
I was the one that wouldn't let others in. I was the one that couldn't see beyond what I had in front of me. I was the one that (in some odd way) still had hopes that things would change. I was also the one that believed that it would just...happen. You know? Like how they say it happens - when you're not looking for it?
I'm venturing into a new world for myself. I'm actually accepting dates with guys and going out with them. I know - amazing - not. I realize this is a normal thing for other girls - but as I was talking with my best friend yesterday - I think I'm just so into my own schedule (and I actually LIKE it) that I have a hard time giving it up for someone who I don't even know is worthy of my time - does that make sense? Like - I'm pretty much at the point in my life where I know what I want - what I want from a guy and what I want for myself with them. Some may see that as picky but I think it's just something I deserve.
Everyone has their "sob stories" so to speak - "I've had a hard life....I went through so much to get to this point....I can't believe I made it to where I am now" bleh bleh. And I don't mean to dismiss them in any way - but really the obstacles we overcome to get to the places we're at in life right now - make us who we are - and I truly believe they help us figure out more of who we are than anything or anyone else could. Yes - a guy broke my heart - but it was the way I overcame that and the way I decided I was going to live my life from that point forward. I have no one to "blame" or "applaud" but myself. I think people forget to applaud for themselves too often.
Example: A friend of mine is looking to change the direction of his life....and he doesn't know how to do it. Flat out. He said, " I just don't know how to start it - can you tell me?" I remember feeling like that. Feeling like I didn't know what to do or where to go. Not just with the direction of my life but moreso with how I was supposed to start seeing guys again. It's all one in the same really. The best way I can put it - and excuse me for stealing their motto but "JUST DO IT". Now is the time - just start and go. GO.
Too often I found myself just sitting and waiting and wishing that something/someone would just come along. Yes - I won't say it NEVER happens. I know it does - but the majority of the time - it doesn't. In the last few years I've realized if I want something/someone - I've just got to go after it and get it. No one will hand it to me - no one will be like "Katie, here's a platter of all the delicious choices of men you have to choose from - if you take platter A you'll get a tall dark and handsome man....or if you choose platter B you'll get a blonde surfer type guy who has the body but no brains". It just doesn't happen (wouldn't that be nice though!).
So I guess in a way I follow up my last post with this one in the same mentality that I just have to "suck it up".
It's scary though. I'm not gonna lie. I'm at the point where I'm contantly reminding myself that just because a guy likes me doesn't mean I have to like him back. Of course guys will like me - I'm awesome:-) I can't lose sight of who I am - I made that mistake once....never again. I refuse to tell myself that my interests are not as important has his - nor will I stop being the sports loving girl that I am. It's exciting too - it's nice to feel liked. It's been awhile since someone - outside of friendship - has genuinely been interested in me.
One day at a time. One day at a time.
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