But really, I had a dream wake me up this morning....and it was a panic attack kind of dream.
What I remember about it is intertwined with something that COULD totally take place in real life. There are moments when I really believe our dreams are premonitions...otherwise, why would we have deja vu? That feeling like what you're experiencing has happened before....you know?
So anyway, back to my dream.....
In real life - one of my best childhood friends, Randy, got engaged back in May...and he and his fiancé have begun planning their wedding for next Fall. That's awesome. I truly am happy for him and her. She's great and she'll fit right into Aster Lane....
In my dream - we were having a neighborhood BBQ and everyone was gathered around the table talking about the wedding and Meredith (Randy's fiancé) was talking about how she had 8 girls in her wedding party...and I could see Randy sitting across the table from her kind of making a face. Now, you don't know Randy - but what you need to know is that he's a pretty fiscally practical person so he's not really one to want to spend a ton of money on one day - even if it is a wedding. He originally wanted to elope in Vegas. Of course, Meredith originally agreed to that and now, the wedding is one big extravaganza. But again, I digress.....I could see him wincing each time she talked more and more about her wedding party....and as I saw his face wince more and more...I began to internalize it all....thinking about everyone else in my life who was married or just got married or got engaged or who has a significant other.....
That is when the panic attack kicked in. It wasn't just a dream....my body had a physical reaction to it. It woke me up.....that sadness of feeling as though I'm being left behind was there......
And then, I realized - that is not my life. My life is busy. My life is happy. My life is full of fun and friendly people. Things are finally starting to fall in to place for me....slightly....and I'm trying my best to go with it.
I've put everything else on hold.....well....not everything else....relationships with men beyond friendship. It's just not important to me right now....and to be honest....I really should figure out more of what I want in life than what I can give to someone else. I know what I can give. I know what those guys are missing out on.....so it's not my problem if they walk/walked away.....it's theirs.
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