All at once....

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
~The Fray

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Maybe I'm being a little narcissistic in thinking that this song applies to me and the situation I'm in right now...maybe I'm just trying to be hopeful about the situation. I don't know. But what I do know is this:

- I am sad. So sad that I can't even muster a genuine smile.
- I have AMAZING friends. They always say that you know who your true friends are when you're going through tough times - I am so lucky to have people I can call at 1, 2, 3 in the morning if I wake up and cry or want to call him but know I can't, so I call them instead.
- I am pretty numb. I ran 9 miles yesterday without skipping a beat. Normally - I would be dead after that. But somehow, I wasn't tired. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't anything. I don't feel anything. Except sadness.
- He hasn't called. I have my doubts that he will. Why should he? He did the easiest thing in the world. He broke up with me - and knew I would be "out of sight, out of mind" because I was leaving to come back here to Florida. I guess the only positive aspect of it was that he didn't do it over the phone. That, was horrible.
- I am sad....oh did I say that already? Yeah, well. I am.
- I can't listen to anything but angry music. Sad music makes me cry. Happy music makes me cry. I am going to fall to pieces the first time I hear our song randomly. I heard "his" song the other day on the plane right back down here. I think everyone else on the plane thought someone died.
- I still carry my box of tissues with me everywhere I go. I never know when the crying is going to start.
- Mornings and nights are the hardest - Mornings, because I know I'm not with him anymore. Nights - because that was the time we would talk. Last night was horrible. It so much willpower to not call him.
- I'm really upset by the fact that despite it only having been a day and a half, he hasn't called me or attempted to contact me. He must not care as much as he said he did.


I declined going to work yesterday. I just didn't know if I could manage it. I'm here today. I'm working. I'm listening to my angry music. I'm numb. I'm just going through the motions today. I really don't want to be around people because my heart is ALL OVER MY FACE. I don't want people to talk to me. I don't want people to give me hugs - hugs make me cry immediately.

I have so many questions. So many unanswered things. I am SO completely confused about the entire situation. I have no idea how you go from making plans with someone for the next few months - to saying you just need to be friends. Was he saying those things just because he knew it'd make me happy? What the eff. I deserve honesty. I deserve answers. And I sure as shit don't need to feel like I'm not important or even worthy of a phone call.

I have a busy few months ahead. I decided yesterday to make all my weekends busy until the next time I go home...which, ironically enough but not really, is the weekend of April 17th. His birthday. See, I had planned on surprising him that weekend. Whatever. I'll just keep myself busy. Maybe I'll go up to New York that weekend, or maybe I'll try to make it another girls weekend for jackie and netty and me. All I know is that I'm going to have to stay busy.

Im just so confused, and hurt, and sad, and don't understand any of this. I don't want any of this.