You steady chasin' that paper
Just live your life....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If there's one thing that February has taught me it's that things can change in the blink of an eye. What was once something you could've been so sure about...can be taken away from you because of someone else's unsureness. What was once a steady job, can be taken away in the snap of a finger because of overages on budgets.
Let's just say - I WILL BE EXTREMELY HAPPY ONCE FEBRUARY IS GONE! It just always seems to fall that way with me. Last February wasn't that great either:-( - remember the Football Fiasco? Yeah - well - this time around - different shit - same shitty outcome.
I got a call this afternoon from my "steady" freelance gig at GC. Turns out they went over on budgets so far this year and told me they won't need me next week. Who knows if they'll need me the week after that! And while I'm kind of bummed about it - in a way - I'm almost kind of like - well - maybe everything is falling in to place the way it should be?
And I'm done talking about the guy situation right now. I think I effed up royally last night - another story, another time. I don't want to keep letting it interfere with me "living my life"!
So right now I'm in Dallas for this Cheer shoot this weekend - I get back to Orlando on Monday. No work all week. I guess it gives me a chance to work on my workouts:-) Only plus. That also reminds me that I need to email my latest invoice so I can get some cay-sh.
le sigh. "right now, hey, it's your tomorrow. right now, come on its everything. right now. catch you magic moment do it right here and now it means everything!" Funny that that song comes on just as I'm writing this. More and more I am believing that God has a plan for me - bigger than the plans I had for myself. I never really thought it might be possible that my fate doesn't rest in my own hands...but Im starting to think that there is only so much we can do with what we're given...and from there we work through the stuff that's given to us. No? maybe I'm talking out of my ass...but seriously..."what am I waiting for?!"
My life has already started. Im in the moment. Im in the process of living my life. It's time to start doing instead of saying, "well maybe this" or "maybe that". I need to just do it.
I am determined to turn these negatives into positives!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
what a difference a week makes....
Two! Count them! TWO days that I've gone where I haven't cried. I'm pretty proud of myself. To be honest, I think I'm all cried out. Not that I'm still not sad....but....it's time to stop crying. It's time to figure some shiz out...and keep going.
Duh katie, everyone's been telling you this. Yeah well...I never claimed to be "with it" all the time. Some times I'm a little slow on the uptake. That being said....I'm not over the situation. It's still there - but I'm trying to compartmentalize it...my dad said it best to me last night, "It's running your life right now katie and you can't keep letting it do that" He's right - on so many levels.
As for the actual situation, well, it's the same as it was....just less crying on my end. I don't know how much more I'm going to talk about it on here....I just kind of feel like I've said everything I needed/wanted to say. It's all the same shiz anyway....so no one wants to keep rereading it - I certainly want to stop talking about it. We do still talk though - so, yeah, there's that.
As for other going's on!
I did yoga for the second time last night. I really think I've found a new love! I really like the way my body feels after the workout. I've been using the P90X DVD's that my roommate has - it's pretty effin tough! There's a few studios here in O-town that I'm thinking about going to - now that I kind of have the whole thing down. There's a Bikram one and just a regular one. They're pretty reasonably priced - so we'll see. I think I'll look into it after I get back from Dallas.
I applied for Teach for America a few weeks ago. I did not get "accepted" so to speak. They ask about doing a second interview. Meh - whatev's. I'm not heartbroken about it. BUT! Kelly got the phone interview! So lots of good thoughts to her! I'm super duper stoked for her.
I went to church on Sunday and am planning on going again tonight. Today is Ash Wednesday, for all those non-catholics....which means, it's the start of LENT. And boy do I have a doozy of a statement coming up. The idea behind Lent is a call to share in the suffering love of Jesus, especially by giving up sin and sinful attitudes and walking in the path of love and service. The season begins with Ash Wednesday
, when the priest smears ash on the foreheads of Christians as a reminder that we are created from dust and to dust we shall return. Now, I am by no means a fully fledged follower of Christianity/Catholicism anymore, but I do still go to Unity Church (which I can tell you had done wonders for my person esteem and faith) and there is an Ash Wednesday service tonight. Im planning on going. As the description says, the idea is to give something up for Lent that is "sinful". When I was younger, I can remember giving up pizza on fridays, or candy or something really tough for kids to do. It's amazing how as I've gotten older, I am giving up the same things I did as a kid. This Lenten season, I am giving up sweets and drinking. YIKES! I did just say that. Am I doing this for Lent? Not necessarily. Am I doing this for better health and to save money? YES YES YES! Lent is just something to "blame" it on. HA! Its hard enough being an adult and telling people you don't drink that much - atleast now I can blame it on something else....and when it comes to religion...people don't question it.
I think it's interesting that people will question your desire to do anything until you say its for your religion or its because of your faith. In my experience, as soon as I say something like that, people automatically do not question it. In a way I think it's kind of nice because as we know, we live in America and we're all entitled to believe in whatever we want....but in a way, it's kind of sad too. I don't think people talk enough about religion. I think people are afraid of it. Religion and Religious History is SO fascinating to me. I mean, entire civilizations were created and destroyed due to it! How does that not fascinate people? I don't know, I guess I'm alone in that.
But I digress.....other ongoings....I'm heading to Dallas this weekend for another Cheer event. It's gonna be crazy busy - but at least its something to keep my mind off of things. Just gotta get through today and tomorrow and I need to figure out how I'm getting to the airport on Friday Morning - I'm thinking I should just get a taxi - but ah, who knows.
Anyway - let's try to go for three days in a row - although - I am going to church tonight so I think the streak might be over.
Duh katie, everyone's been telling you this. Yeah well...I never claimed to be "with it" all the time. Some times I'm a little slow on the uptake. That being said....I'm not over the situation. It's still there - but I'm trying to compartmentalize it...my dad said it best to me last night, "It's running your life right now katie and you can't keep letting it do that" He's right - on so many levels.
As for the actual situation, well, it's the same as it was....just less crying on my end. I don't know how much more I'm going to talk about it on here....I just kind of feel like I've said everything I needed/wanted to say. It's all the same shiz anyway....so no one wants to keep rereading it - I certainly want to stop talking about it. We do still talk though - so, yeah, there's that.
As for other going's on!
I did yoga for the second time last night. I really think I've found a new love! I really like the way my body feels after the workout. I've been using the P90X DVD's that my roommate has - it's pretty effin tough! There's a few studios here in O-town that I'm thinking about going to - now that I kind of have the whole thing down. There's a Bikram one and just a regular one. They're pretty reasonably priced - so we'll see. I think I'll look into it after I get back from Dallas.
I applied for Teach for America a few weeks ago. I did not get "accepted" so to speak. They ask about doing a second interview. Meh - whatev's. I'm not heartbroken about it. BUT! Kelly got the phone interview! So lots of good thoughts to her! I'm super duper stoked for her.
I went to church on Sunday and am planning on going again tonight. Today is Ash Wednesday, for all those non-catholics....which means, it's the start of LENT. And boy do I have a doozy of a statement coming up. The idea behind Lent is a call to share in the suffering love of Jesus, especially by giving up sin and sinful attitudes and walking in the path of love and service. The season begins with Ash Wednesday
, when the priest smears ash on the foreheads of Christians as a reminder that we are created from dust and to dust we shall return. Now, I am by no means a fully fledged follower of Christianity/Catholicism anymore, but I do still go to Unity Church (which I can tell you had done wonders for my person esteem and faith) and there is an Ash Wednesday service tonight. Im planning on going. As the description says, the idea is to give something up for Lent that is "sinful". When I was younger, I can remember giving up pizza on fridays, or candy or something really tough for kids to do. It's amazing how as I've gotten older, I am giving up the same things I did as a kid. This Lenten season, I am giving up sweets and drinking. YIKES! I did just say that. Am I doing this for Lent? Not necessarily. Am I doing this for better health and to save money? YES YES YES! Lent is just something to "blame" it on. HA! Its hard enough being an adult and telling people you don't drink that much - atleast now I can blame it on something else....and when it comes to religion...people don't question it.
I think it's interesting that people will question your desire to do anything until you say its for your religion or its because of your faith. In my experience, as soon as I say something like that, people automatically do not question it. In a way I think it's kind of nice because as we know, we live in America and we're all entitled to believe in whatever we want....but in a way, it's kind of sad too. I don't think people talk enough about religion. I think people are afraid of it. Religion and Religious History is SO fascinating to me. I mean, entire civilizations were created and destroyed due to it! How does that not fascinate people? I don't know, I guess I'm alone in that.
But I digress.....other ongoings....I'm heading to Dallas this weekend for another Cheer event. It's gonna be crazy busy - but at least its something to keep my mind off of things. Just gotta get through today and tomorrow and I need to figure out how I'm getting to the airport on Friday Morning - I'm thinking I should just get a taxi - but ah, who knows.
Anyway - let's try to go for three days in a row - although - I am going to church tonight so I think the streak might be over.
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's just one of those days...
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks
You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those questions? Yep. They've been "answered". Why do I put it like that? Well, because I don't really believe any of them.
Why I don't believe them:
1. How do you tell someone you don't think you're falling in love with them when actions completely speak louder than words. When you call, text, write, IM, visit...and those are all fantastic. When you tell them you miss them, and need them and can't be without them. When you make plans for future events together....and then the next day, decide it's better to be friends? What are we? IN HIGH SCHOOL!? WHO THE EF SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! How can you know in 3 months if you're falling in love with someone that you don't see that often? I have friends that have been dating for longer than that and STILL don't know if they're in love with the person....but that doesn't mean they don't think there isn't anything there. CLEARLY, there is something there between me and him. CLEARLY. Why else would I be "different" than all the rest of his friends? How does that make sense? He's attracted to me. "Im hot" or so he says. Gee, thanks. Awesome consolation. But you mean to tell me that you'd be entirely ok with JUST hanging around me - and nothing more?
2. Nothing else, apparently, was the cause or effect of us breaking up. The distance - yeah apparently that was kind of a factor. Personally - it's a huge factor. Why were things better in the beginning (as he says) and they are different now? Oh GEE I DON'T KNOW?! MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE WE WENT FROM INTENSE CONSTANT TIME TOGETHER TO ONLY SEEING EACH OTHER ONCE A MONTH. But no, what am I thinking. That's not it. That's silly Katie. Because see, you should totally know in three months if you can fall in love with someone you hardly ever see. Yeah - of course. What was I thinking. I'm the idiot.
3. He says he can/wants to just be friends with me. I think it's a pattern. He claims he's a jealous person by nature and that even if I started dating someone else, despite knowing he'd be jealous, he would be okay with it. Well riddle me this effing enigma...if you claim that's true - then how is it I am no different than your other girl friends? Oh but I am? Just because? What the eff does that mean asshole?
3a. Why do I think it's a pattern? Because he's had intimate interactions with friends of his that are girls, and dated a few (maybe just the one - not sure)....either way. I really don't know that he knows how to separate those feelings. How to separate him feeling like a friend toward someone and feeling more than a friend toward someone.
Those are the clearest reasons I have right now for knowing that his "reasons" are complete bullshit. I got answers. I was prepared for answers I didn't want to hear...but I am SO ANGRY that he thinks he can just know if he's going to fall in love with me...and to put a three month time limit on it - that THAT's how he would know. What an effing stupid answer. I told him I just knew there was something between us. He asked me how I knew - I said - the same way you knew there was. There just is. It clicks with us.
As we talked last night - both of us said similar things about what our friends said to us, " I don't understand why you're so upset...you were only dating for three months". Am I the ONLY ONE that thinks that maybe, just MAYBE that's a clue into how he actually feels about me? I know how I feel about him. I still want him in my life...but just as a friend? I don't know that I can do that. Right now, for as honest as he is trying to be with me...he is not my friend. To me, he will never be JUST A FRIEND. And to be honest, I think on his side, he knows it too. He needs to effing grow the ef up - and stop saying "I don't know" and figure it out.
I'm really pissed off.
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks
You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those questions? Yep. They've been "answered". Why do I put it like that? Well, because I don't really believe any of them.
Why I don't believe them:
1. How do you tell someone you don't think you're falling in love with them when actions completely speak louder than words. When you call, text, write, IM, visit...and those are all fantastic. When you tell them you miss them, and need them and can't be without them. When you make plans for future events together....and then the next day, decide it's better to be friends? What are we? IN HIGH SCHOOL!? WHO THE EF SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! How can you know in 3 months if you're falling in love with someone that you don't see that often? I have friends that have been dating for longer than that and STILL don't know if they're in love with the person....but that doesn't mean they don't think there isn't anything there. CLEARLY, there is something there between me and him. CLEARLY. Why else would I be "different" than all the rest of his friends? How does that make sense? He's attracted to me. "Im hot" or so he says. Gee, thanks. Awesome consolation. But you mean to tell me that you'd be entirely ok with JUST hanging around me - and nothing more?
2. Nothing else, apparently, was the cause or effect of us breaking up. The distance - yeah apparently that was kind of a factor. Personally - it's a huge factor. Why were things better in the beginning (as he says) and they are different now? Oh GEE I DON'T KNOW?! MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE WE WENT FROM INTENSE CONSTANT TIME TOGETHER TO ONLY SEEING EACH OTHER ONCE A MONTH. But no, what am I thinking. That's not it. That's silly Katie. Because see, you should totally know in three months if you can fall in love with someone you hardly ever see. Yeah - of course. What was I thinking. I'm the idiot.
3. He says he can/wants to just be friends with me. I think it's a pattern. He claims he's a jealous person by nature and that even if I started dating someone else, despite knowing he'd be jealous, he would be okay with it. Well riddle me this effing enigma...if you claim that's true - then how is it I am no different than your other girl friends? Oh but I am? Just because? What the eff does that mean asshole?
3a. Why do I think it's a pattern? Because he's had intimate interactions with friends of his that are girls, and dated a few (maybe just the one - not sure)....either way. I really don't know that he knows how to separate those feelings. How to separate him feeling like a friend toward someone and feeling more than a friend toward someone.
Those are the clearest reasons I have right now for knowing that his "reasons" are complete bullshit. I got answers. I was prepared for answers I didn't want to hear...but I am SO ANGRY that he thinks he can just know if he's going to fall in love with me...and to put a three month time limit on it - that THAT's how he would know. What an effing stupid answer. I told him I just knew there was something between us. He asked me how I knew - I said - the same way you knew there was. There just is. It clicks with us.
As we talked last night - both of us said similar things about what our friends said to us, " I don't understand why you're so upset...you were only dating for three months". Am I the ONLY ONE that thinks that maybe, just MAYBE that's a clue into how he actually feels about me? I know how I feel about him. I still want him in my life...but just as a friend? I don't know that I can do that. Right now, for as honest as he is trying to be with me...he is not my friend. To me, he will never be JUST A FRIEND. And to be honest, I think on his side, he knows it too. He needs to effing grow the ef up - and stop saying "I don't know" and figure it out.
I'm really pissed off.
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