The Happiness Project

So, a few weeks ago I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  The chapters are divided into Months.  I'm halfway through June which means I'm about halfway through the book.  It's been a really interesting read so far.  The book is basically about her journey to find MORE and GENUINE happiness that she felt she was missing in her life.  Basically, she's already happy she just wants to be happier.  

She addresses the fact that there are so many people out there that complain to her that she shouldn't be harping on the fact that she is already happy and wants to be happier when there are other people out there who are not as well off as she is......I could instantly relate to this concept.  So many times I feel as though people think I am being dramatic or whining when I talk about how I feel or what's going on in my life.

 Sure, I know things could be a lot worse.  Yes, I technically have a pretty good life.  But the thing is, I too want to be happier.  

 I am happy.  I really am.  No, things don't always go my way and some of the events that have happened in my life in the last four months weren't exactly what I would call awesomesauce but for the most part, I am grateful for the people who surround me in my life and what I have at my disposal.  I definitely am aware that life could be way worse and I do not take what I have for granted in any way.

 All that being said, I've decided I'm going to attempt to make the last quarter of 2012 the best part and end on a high note.  2011 ended on a high note, why can't I go for the repeat?  Especially since one of my best friends getting married kick started the awesomeness that is the final portion of 2012!  YAY! :-)

There is a whole section on Rubin's website about how you can start your own happiness project.  She's very goal oriented (like me), so it should be no problem for me to set some goals and achieve them.  Although I don't look for the "gold stars" she talks about wanting to receive, I know the rewards will come in time.  The first part says to 'Identify your aims' - Ask yourself these questions:

▪ What makes you feel good? What gives you joy, energy, fun?
I feel good when I exercise, eat right, don't over indulge (redundant?), help others, accomplish my "to-do" list (more-so cross things off because I just love making lists and crossing things off! really, I do).  I find joy when I am with my friends and family.  I find joy when I am traveling.  I have energy after I workout and eat well.  I have fun when I learn something new.  I also, believe it or not, have a blast when I coach/teach.

▪ What makes you feel bad? What brings you anger, guilt, boredom, dread?
I always feel bad when I eat things that are not good for me and I haven't worked out.  I feel bad when I have to cancel on friends because I stupidly spread myself too thin.  I also feel bad when I let others down.  I feel bad when I look for approval from someone (in particular) and don't get it.  I am angry with people who make me feel "less than".  I get bored doing nothing.  I dread not having things to do on a daily basis - which is why I fill up my days with a lot of random things.

▪ What makes you feel right? What values do you want your life to reflect?
I feel right when I have set goals and accomplished them.  Nothing makes me feel worse than knowing I have told someone I'd do something and then don't follow through. 
The values I want my life to reflect are integrity, honesty, love, caring, kindness and compassion/understanding.

▪ How can you build an atmosphere of growth—where you learn, explore, build, teach, help?
Try new things and surround myself with positive people.  Spend less time with those that belittle my ambitions or make me feel as though I can not do something.  Work hard to spend more time with the friends who truly love me and show more thoughtfulness when it comes to everything.


The next step is creating my own personal commandments.  In some way, shape, or form I have done this over the years - just writing down things "I will do" or things "I won't do".....those things are coming.....until next time...

Dreams....

"....that's where I have to go, to see your beautiful face...."~Gavin DeGraw

But really, I had a dream wake me up this morning....and it was a panic attack kind of dream.

What I remember about it is intertwined with something that COULD totally take place in real life.  There are moments when I really believe our dreams are premonitions...otherwise, why would we have deja vu?  That feeling like what you're experiencing has happened before....you know?

So anyway, back to my dream.....

In real life - one of my best childhood friends, Randy, got engaged back in May...and he and his fiancé have begun planning their wedding for next Fall.  That's awesome.  I truly am happy for him and her.  She's great and she'll fit right into Aster Lane....

In my dream - we were having a neighborhood BBQ and everyone was gathered around the table talking about the wedding and Meredith (Randy's fiancé) was talking about how she had 8 girls in her wedding party...and I could see Randy sitting across the table from her kind of making a face.  Now, you don't know Randy - but what you need to know is that he's a pretty fiscally practical person so he's not really one to want to spend a ton of money on one day - even if it is a wedding.  He originally wanted to elope in Vegas.  Of course, Meredith originally agreed to that and now, the wedding is one big extravaganza.  But again, I digress.....I could see him wincing each time she talked more and more about her wedding party....and as I saw his face wince more and more...I began to internalize it all....thinking about everyone else in my life who was married or just got married or got engaged or who has a significant other.....

That is when the panic attack kicked in.  It wasn't just a dream....my body had a physical reaction to it.  It woke me up.....that sadness of feeling as though I'm being left behind was there......

And then, I realized - that is not my life.  My life is busy.  My life is happy.  My life is full of fun and friendly people.  Things are finally starting to fall in to place for me....slightly....and I'm trying my best to go with it. 

I've put everything else on hold.....well....not everything else....relationships with men beyond friendship.  It's just not important to me right now....and to be honest....I really should figure out more of what I want in life than what I can give to someone else.  I know what I can give.  I know what those guys are missing out on.....so it's not my problem if they walk/walked away.....it's theirs. 

Figuring "it" out

The "it" I'm trying to figure out....seems to be changing a lot these days.  Of course Constant Change IS the name of my blog....so....I guess it's par for the course.

Speaking of Golf terminology - did anyone catch the incredible collapse of the American Ryder Cup Team?  Yikes.  Talk about horrific.  I guess you can never count out those Euros!

But I digress......right now, I have many MANY options on my plate.  Maybe if I write it all down it'll help.

Scenario #1:
So while I've currently finished with my teaching certification, I do still have three more classes to finish in order to attain my Masters of Education from Cabrini.  There is an option for me to go back to work there as a Graduate Assistant in the Spring in which I could work there and take those last there classes for free (each semester I can take one class and the college will pay for it).  That would be a good option since right now, finding a teaching job looks relatively bleak.  It's not to say I am giving up - but rather - finishing what I started.

If I decide to do this - I can continue working as an adjunct college professor (there is actually another school I am going to apply to for a full time position) - and seek out other alternatives to the ultimate goal - the Doctorate.  (yep, I am a nerd through and through!)  Temple has one of the best programs I've seen and it's the one I've been looking at for awhile.  You see, although I'd love to teach high school - I knew a long time ago I truly wanted to be a college professor.  For a lot of reasons that will be left to another post.

Scenario #2:
I apply for college coaching jobs and move again.  I don't particularly want to do this - but I really do love to coach and it's the one thing that truly brings me unsurpassed happiness every day.  Of course, it could be different on a collegiate level - but I truly love to coach.

Scenario #3:
In which I continue with the 5 jobs I have (read: spin instructor, swim coach, lesson instructor, substitute teacher, adjunct faculty at a community college) and keep pushing to try and get a real teaching job.  Honestly, with the way the economy is going, I don't know how well that will work in my favor.  My friend Bethany has been subbing ever since she got out of college - in 2008 - and she's certified in Math!....so for those of you that keep saying they need Math and Science teachers - yes they do but probably not that badly if she can't even get a job.  You know?  But again, I digress. 


There are a few other options but #1 and #3 are basically my choices.  Of course - something else could come out of it.  Honestly - I'd really love to write.  I've always loved to write and I think I'd do a really good job.  The tricky part for me is staying focused.  I have some pretty good ORIGINAL ideas that have definitely not been tackled yet.  Maybe I'll give the November writing project a try - where you're supposed to write 60K words in the month - it's equivalent to a novel supposedly.

Anyway - for the time being - I am going to tackle one thing at a time and see where it takes me.  That's all I can do, right?  I need to figure it out.